Yeah...you read that subject line correctly. It's been a year...ONE WHOLE YEAR...since my life did a spiral that I never thought I'd have to endure.
The last time I blogged was May 1st. It's been awhile and a lot has happened in 4 months but for those of you keeping up with me, you know where I started a year ago. As a recap for those of you who don't know, September 28th, 2014 was the day that I called my ex and asked him if he loved me. It had been almost 2 years that we were together and he had never uttered those words. The response that I got was, "do you really want to have this conversation right now?" Fast forward to an hour or so later and I got "No, I don't love you. I've tried to make myself love you and have kept hoping it would change but it hasn't. I also don't have any love to give right now...". This coming from someone that I had made my life revolve around and had dropped everything for and was invested in heart and soul. I knew my decision to break up with him was the right one when I made it. It was one of those things that you feel deep in your gut needed to happen but don't act on because you know it's going to be painful to endure and quite frankly, lonely. It was easier to stay and save myself from the loneliness as well as from having to start over in the dating world (I thoroughly despise the concept of dating & the morons that come with it).
Despite breaking up with my ex, we kept in touch for a couple of weeks- mostly in the form of me regretting my decision to leave him (loneliness kicked in, I was sad that I had lost the person that was seemingly my best friend) and him saying he missed me. I found out about 2 weeks after I left him that he had met a girl in his area (he moved at the beginning of Sept bc of military) and I freaked out. Welcome to my spiral I never thought I would be in. Online Facebook stalking, constant panicked texting, panicked phone calls and voicemails...all of these things signs of a deep rooted depression that I had ignored for a LONG time because I wasn't actually happy and hadn't been happy in my relationship. I had lost the foundation of who I was and couldn't function without my ex there since my world WAS him. I remember calling my ex, leaving him a voicemail where I was just hysterically in tears, hanging up, and then waking up on my bathroom floor with blood on my wrists. This all in a period of a couple of hours but after that was kind of slow motion and blurry. Calling for help, having phone calls that were made to therapists for me to try and get me an immediate appointment, texting my friends because I needed that support system...
All in all I know I never wanted to actually try and end this beautiful life that I have but I'll NEVER forget the deep seated pain that I felt in my heart and gut when I learned my ex had moved on within a matter of weeks. I can't even really put it into words and you won't understand unless you've been in a similar spot and you know where I'm coming from. There's literally a physical hurt that you experience that's crippling. It's awful and I'll never wish that on anybody.
Admitting that you're depressed and need help is a whole other feat in itself but it's also something that I'd never change for the world. Going twice a week to my therapist was literally a life saver. Having a constant support of close friends (at any hour of the day) is also something that will stay with me forever. I know who's in my circle and who I can trust to listen and never ever judge me...it's a VERY small circle but I'd never change it.
I was released from therapy back in June with the knowledge that experiences like those that I went through ONLY make you stronger but you have to be willing to fight for yourself and know that you're worth every bit of the struggle. I'm worth it.
There have been so many positive outcomes from my ordeal that I can't even count them. I got involved in Krav Maga for stress management in January of this year, fell in love with it, and joined in Muay Thai and Jiujitsu. I'm confident that I could hold my own in any kind of altercation and I enjoy fighting for sport, but more importantly, the self confidence I've gained from those activities has been life altering. Despite a few injuries and surgeries from fighting, there's absolutely nothing negative that I have to say about my experience with martial arts and Krav. I've met some amazing people that I'll always be friends with and the atmosphere at the academy is family oriented.
I've gotten to travel a lot this year which I'm always thankful for but it's been so much fun to travel with my friends. We've gotten to know each other better and have gotten to see each other in different environments other than our home. It's been a blast, I have the best people in my life.
I have a couple of new tattoos but the one closest to my heart is my Semicolon on my wrist. If you haven't heard of the Semicolon Project, google it. It's such a great way to bring awareness to depression and anxiety and self-harm and it lets people know that they're not alone. A semicolon is a place in a story where an author could have ended the sentence but they chose not to. In essence, you're the author and the sentence is your life. The semicolon tattoo is a way of letting the world know that you chose not to end your story.
Today I received my NASM Personal Training Certification so officially, I'm a personal trainer now. Studying was a TON of stress but again, I couldn't have passed without the support that I got from the people around me.
There's been a ton more that's happened and that is happening but honestly, the most important thing is that I'm legitimately HAPPY and I love who I've become. I don't regret spending 2 years of my life with someone that didn't love me because I've learned from it. Nobody can predict the future but you can learn a ton about yourself when you're willing to look at your past. You can also be sure that what I endured won't stop me from being willing to love someone else. There's no reward that comes from closing yourself off and putting up cement walls around your heart. Being hurt can only make you stronger but you have to let the hurt in when it comes and be willing to work with it and mold it into something that is going to make you a better person. Today I can successfully say that I've done that.
So after a year chock full of personal growth and new opportunities, I can truly say this:
HERE'S TO FINDING OUT WHO YOU REALLY ARE AND FINDING OUT WHAT YOU'RE MADE OF.
HERE'S TO CHOOSING TO THRIVE ON YOUR STRENGTHS AND YOUR WEAKNESSES. HERE'S TO THOSE THAT LOVE YOU NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE OR WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH.
Cheers ya'll.
