I'm thoroughly beat up today. I switched my training schedule this week and quite frankly, I'm bruised, raw knuckled (if you don't believe me give a look at my Instagram photos documenting the week), and just overall sore. So as I lay here wishing for a hot tub to miraculously appear, I want to take a few minutes to project to the things that I'm really looking forward to in the close future. I'm doing this because all I've been hearing about lately is Valentine's Day, dances, and things for couples to do and I want to just kind of dwell on how happy I am by myself right now. Yes, I mean that. I'm enjoying concentrating on myself so unless some random perfect guy that I haven't met yet drops out of nowhere then I'm pretty sure I'm going to just keep my single status. Oh, and if the hot tub shows up before the guy, I'm totally keeping the hot tub and not even giving him a second thought.
I'm kind of in awe at how quickly January has flown by already. The days have been packed with training sessions, Krav classes, studying for my NASM exam, planning our move, general errands, & spending time with my daughter.
February is going to bring an exciting baby shower for a friend of mine. I'm pretty excited to mark this on the calendar because this is her third child and I have yet to be able to attend a shower for her. It's marked in Sharpie & I'm going. No matter what. Valentine's weekend will be spent with my cousin. 50 Shades of Grey comes out so there we will sit, wishing the movie had an NC-17 rating instead of an R rating because really...well, if you've read the books then you'll get it. The 15th will mark what would have been my 2 year anniversary with my ex so I'm looking forward to a great girls weekend and I'm happy to not have any drama in my life at the moment! The end of February brings my trip out to LA for UFC 184 which is sure to be one of the most exciting weekends of the entire year. I'm meeting Ronda Rousey for crying out loud and getting to hang out with her so you really just can't beat that.
March sees me going down to scope out our new living quarters. I'm checking out schools, gyms, grocery stores, and general location to see if it's going to be right for us. I also have a 5k I'm doing and then I'm back out to CA for the NAGA (grappling) tournaments out there!
April is Spring Break and my daughter & I have a Color Run we're doing together! First one of the year! Yay!
May has me traveling to FL for Krav Instructor Training for a few days. I may just add a couple days on for beach time. Because...well, it's the beach.
June is a 5k here in town and we're moving
July...who knows
August is the much looked forward to annual beach week with my cousin & her family!!!! I am SO excited about this bc we had a blast last year!!
September sees me in Vegas for my 2nd annual TVD Convention (hopefully we go early so we can actually have time to explore this year)
October is my daughter's birthday
November I'll be out in CA AGAIN for the Tinkerbell Marathon
And December...well, who knows. But, it IS Christmas so that's a plus. :)
There's a few more runs and races incorporated into that craziness but for now, I'm feeling happy with one day at a time, strengthening myself, and spending time with my munchkin. I have some friends out in CA I'd like to spend time with if possible when I'm there too! I really hope this year does slow down a little bit and maybe I can catch some concerts here and there or something. Who knows? I'm sure there will be ups and downs but as last year proved, I KNOW I can get through anything at this point and come out on top. So here's to being single, loving life, and not having any regrets. Cheers.
Thursday, January 22, 2015
Monday, January 19, 2015
1/19/15 #GetSome
Quite frankly, I'm going to make this sort of quick. My day is pushing 15 hours and I just got home so I kind of want to turn my ringer off, eat dinner, watch a movie, and do nothing for a little bit. But, I just want to express how great things are lately. I was kind of dreading having a few good days for the fear of having a bad few moments thrown in there out of nowhere. Hasn't happened in awhile and for that I'm just plain thankful.
Quick updates:
Daughter is doing well with her recovery from oral surgery last week.
Research for moving in early summer is coming together
I'm getting stronger with my training sessions and Krav sessions
My ex has been at the back of my mind where he belongs and not bugging me or trying to get into my brain (I can finally listen to songs that reminded me of him just a few weeks ago and not think anything of it).
I have to say, my excitement right now is focused on Krav. I woke up at 445am so by 5:30 this evening I was exhausted and just wanted to come home & go to sleep. Class was at 5:30 so by about 10 minutes into it, my adrenaline was running high and I wasn't tired anymore. I gained the focus (that "zone") that I get in to when I'm fighting and ran with it. Most people you'll talk to don't understand why you'd want to go and get a little bruised up or intentionally do something that's going to hurt your body but if you're loving what you're doing, you can't really explain it. Yeah, getting hit hurts, but it makes you push that much harder to finish what you're doing. It's a great feeling to come through at the end of a class and have a few bruises or bloody knuckles and realize that you actually have the strength to fight back and survive. I love it and pretty often you can find pictures on my Instagram proudly hash tagged #getsome.
So, with things going so well, I'm really just happy to have so many people around me that are supportive and accepting of the path I'm on and want to continue on.
Here's to progress in every area of life. Cheers.
Quick updates:
Daughter is doing well with her recovery from oral surgery last week.
Research for moving in early summer is coming together
I'm getting stronger with my training sessions and Krav sessions
My ex has been at the back of my mind where he belongs and not bugging me or trying to get into my brain (I can finally listen to songs that reminded me of him just a few weeks ago and not think anything of it).
I have to say, my excitement right now is focused on Krav. I woke up at 445am so by 5:30 this evening I was exhausted and just wanted to come home & go to sleep. Class was at 5:30 so by about 10 minutes into it, my adrenaline was running high and I wasn't tired anymore. I gained the focus (that "zone") that I get in to when I'm fighting and ran with it. Most people you'll talk to don't understand why you'd want to go and get a little bruised up or intentionally do something that's going to hurt your body but if you're loving what you're doing, you can't really explain it. Yeah, getting hit hurts, but it makes you push that much harder to finish what you're doing. It's a great feeling to come through at the end of a class and have a few bruises or bloody knuckles and realize that you actually have the strength to fight back and survive. I love it and pretty often you can find pictures on my Instagram proudly hash tagged #getsome.
So, with things going so well, I'm really just happy to have so many people around me that are supportive and accepting of the path I'm on and want to continue on.
Here's to progress in every area of life. Cheers.
Thursday, January 15, 2015
I found true love. And I made another list.
Today was a pretty epic day. My daughter had surgery for the first time this morning and had to be put to sleep with an IV for it. We've both known for the past week that this was going to happen today so all week she was pretty nervous. We talked through it a couple times a day and finally today she woke up and just flat out said "I don't want to do this but afterward I'm going to make a video saying I did something I didn't want to do and I didn't even cry. And then I'm going to send it to Mr. Wegert" (her karate instructor). You know what? She did too. She rocked it out and I was the one holding back the tears as the nurse stuck her with the needle for the IV. Granted, she was hopped up on laughing gas but all the same, I've got one brave girl and I totally don't give her enough credit where it's due.
But in the middle of all of that, while I was holding my daughter's hand, I had this moment of clarity that hit me out of nowhere. I truly already have the love that I NEED in my life. I've got this amazing, beautiful, kind-hearted little girl that needs ME. That's all I want anyway is someone to need and want me and I totally have that with no-strings attached. My daughter's love doesn't depend on what kind of job I have or if I have one at all. It doesn't depend on how busy she is during the day. It doesn't rely on what kind of mood she's in and it certainly doesn't leave just because she loves other people too. It's there, it's constant, and it's unconditional.
When you become a parent you kind of fall into this routine everyday and even though you have moments where you gain new insight, you still do what you've got to do everyday without fail, and you know your kids love you even when you screw up. Today though, looking into my daughter's bright brown eyes, I REALLY felt what it means to be a parent and to have someone that TRULY loves me. THAT is the most amazing feeling in the world because when she gets grumbly and moody and tired and when I get frustrated with her, I will look back on that singular moment and remember that THAT'S what this life is about. Maybe one day I'll find a guy that can love me unconditionally and be as pure-hearted and honest with no strings attached and no ulterior motives but for now, I've got what I need in the other room in my 8 year old daughter.
On that note, I also reviewed my bucket list today. I wanted to check off some things that were done in 2014 and add a couple things to it. My travel portion incorporates some places I've already been but would love to go again and explore new regions of the area. I finally feel at peace and like I'm in a good place where I should be. I'm looking forward to a lot of things and have made a couple new friends that are just pretty darn awesome to talk to and relate to. So, without further ado, here's my list and here's to finding true love and being back on track. Cheers.
TRAVEL
Already done:
Paris (City of Paris, various Chateaus, catacombs)
Italy (Venice, Tuscany, Vincenzo, Pisa). Want to see Sardinia & Southern Italy & take a gondola ride
in Venice
Alaska (Sitka, Juneau, Ketchikan). Want to see the Northern Lights
Niagara Falls (Canadian side)
Ukraine (Kiev, Petrovski). Want to explore the city more and see the architecture.
To do:
Australia
Barbados
Galapagos
Greece
Punta Islita
Hawaii
Grand Canyon
Mt. Rushmore
Dracula's castle in Romania
London - ferris wheel & palace, pubs & 2 decker bus tour
New Orleans for Mardi Gras
Bora Bora - bungalow over the water
Isle of Skye, Scotland (fairy pools)
Calla Lily Valley, Big Sur, CA (my favorite flower!)
THINGS TO DO
Already done:
Swim with dolphins
5k color run or zombie run
Hot air balloon ride
Kiss underwater
New Year's Eve kiss at midnight
To do:
Swim with manatees
Zip lining
Drive across the country
Have an art studio (in home)
Write a children's book
Learn fencing
Catch a jar of lightening bugs with Nat
Buy my own home
Do the luau in Hawaii
Mall of America
New Year's in Times Square
Certification for Scuba Diving
White water rafting
Mardi Gras
Get married & die old with the person
But in the middle of all of that, while I was holding my daughter's hand, I had this moment of clarity that hit me out of nowhere. I truly already have the love that I NEED in my life. I've got this amazing, beautiful, kind-hearted little girl that needs ME. That's all I want anyway is someone to need and want me and I totally have that with no-strings attached. My daughter's love doesn't depend on what kind of job I have or if I have one at all. It doesn't depend on how busy she is during the day. It doesn't rely on what kind of mood she's in and it certainly doesn't leave just because she loves other people too. It's there, it's constant, and it's unconditional.
When you become a parent you kind of fall into this routine everyday and even though you have moments where you gain new insight, you still do what you've got to do everyday without fail, and you know your kids love you even when you screw up. Today though, looking into my daughter's bright brown eyes, I REALLY felt what it means to be a parent and to have someone that TRULY loves me. THAT is the most amazing feeling in the world because when she gets grumbly and moody and tired and when I get frustrated with her, I will look back on that singular moment and remember that THAT'S what this life is about. Maybe one day I'll find a guy that can love me unconditionally and be as pure-hearted and honest with no strings attached and no ulterior motives but for now, I've got what I need in the other room in my 8 year old daughter.
On that note, I also reviewed my bucket list today. I wanted to check off some things that were done in 2014 and add a couple things to it. My travel portion incorporates some places I've already been but would love to go again and explore new regions of the area. I finally feel at peace and like I'm in a good place where I should be. I'm looking forward to a lot of things and have made a couple new friends that are just pretty darn awesome to talk to and relate to. So, without further ado, here's my list and here's to finding true love and being back on track. Cheers.
TRAVEL
Already done:
Paris (City of Paris, various Chateaus, catacombs)
Italy (Venice, Tuscany, Vincenzo, Pisa). Want to see Sardinia & Southern Italy & take a gondola ride
in Venice
Alaska (Sitka, Juneau, Ketchikan). Want to see the Northern Lights
Niagara Falls (Canadian side)
Ukraine (Kiev, Petrovski). Want to explore the city more and see the architecture.
To do:
Australia
Barbados
Galapagos
Greece
Punta Islita
Hawaii
Grand Canyon
Mt. Rushmore
Dracula's castle in Romania
London - ferris wheel & palace, pubs & 2 decker bus tour
New Orleans for Mardi Gras
Bora Bora - bungalow over the water
Isle of Skye, Scotland (fairy pools)
Calla Lily Valley, Big Sur, CA (my favorite flower!)
THINGS TO DO
Already done:
Swim with dolphins
5k color run or zombie run
Hot air balloon ride
Kiss underwater
New Year's Eve kiss at midnight
To do:
Swim with manatees
Zip lining
Drive across the country
Have an art studio (in home)
Write a children's book
Learn fencing
Catch a jar of lightening bugs with Nat
Buy my own home
Do the luau in Hawaii
Mall of America
New Year's in Times Square
Certification for Scuba Diving
White water rafting
Mardi Gras
Get married & die old with the person
Monday, January 12, 2015
1/12/15 Blurred Lines
I was having a conversation with a couple people yesterday about the suicide of a teenager at a local high school. There was no clue left as to why this young man ended his life. Someone said something to the effect of "I think he was bullied though". At that point the conversation skipped to something that tied into technology and social media.
Technology has come SUCH a long way. When I got my first cell phone I was 15. The ONLY reason that my parents got it for me was that I started driving and they didn't want me to be without a way to call them if something happened. My phone was HUGE by todays phone standards. The bottom portion flipped down, the screen was TINY and it had a huge antenna that pulled out. There was no texting, no sharing of photos, no internet usage, no app for this or that. You dialed a number and you talked to whoever you were calling and you hung up.
With the onset of fierce technological advancements there are countless pros and cons. It's solely my opinion but the benefits of texting and apps have about a 50/50 split pending on what they're used for. Texting is great if you're not a phone talker like me. It's great if you need to send somebody a photo quickly of something you'd think they would like in a store or if you're busy and want to talk to more than one person (multitasking). Apps are great for games, notes, and easy access to various programs. However, with texting comes the ability to hide behind your words. Would you actually bully someone to their face? Maybe you would but I'm certain countless others wouldn't. Would you really stand in front of someone naked? My guess is probably not. Words and photos are used to get reactions from people over the computer and phone. Perhaps the young man that committed suicide in town was bullied over text or and didn't want to TALK to anyone about what was going on. Who knows. One thing I do know for certain is that my daughter at 8 years old asks for a phone and she absolutely won't be getting one until she starts driving. Even then, the probability is high that I'll be keeping track of absolutely everything that goes in and out of that phone.
My point to all of this swings around to address a subject that I'm unfortunately all too familiar with: emotional cheating. Yesterday I received a random text from a male friend that I've known since sophomore year in high school (going on 15 years now). I had a crush on this guy in high school but we never dated, never messed around, never even held hands. There's been no kind of romantic history. We were platonic friends and even now, we're platonic friends and that isn't going to change because with friendships that last THAT long, I never want to mess with a good thing by crossing that friend zone line into the relationship zone. Also, my friend has a girlfriend.
It's been proven that over 50% of men define cheating as physical intimate contact with a woman that they're not in a relationship with. They don't think that inappropriate sexual words exchanged with that other person is considered cheating. The majority of women define cheating as any action or word that is inappropriate and intimate with someone other than who you are in a relationship with.
That's how I define it as well. If I'm dating someone and they're having a sexual conversation in person, via text, over a website, on Facebook, through Snapchat, Tinder, Craigslist, or any other option out there, then they're cheating. They aren't being faithful to me and respecting me or our relationship that we have together.
My friend sent me a random text yesterday saying something I viewed as inappropriate. I blew it off at first but he kept on pushing the subject so I called him out on it. My exact text back to him read,
"I'm sure your girlfriend would love this. I'm not trying to play this game cause I'd be pissed if I were her. Jus' sayin. You shouldn't even be talking about this and I'm not trying to come cross bitchy but you're NOT SINGLE. In all seriousness, this is the shit I consider emotional cheating. That's what was done to me and I don't want your girlfriend to have to deal with it because it's disrespectful. You need to have respect for her and for your relationship with her. I've always believed that if you have to delete something so your other half doesn't see it then you shouldn't be doing it or saying it".
There's a line so fine between flirting and inappropriate that I truly believe it shouldn't even be stepped near. I absolutely refuse to buy into any kind of harmless flirting with ANYONE if I know they're in a relationship. I've had the majority of my exes emotionally cheat on me (I think maybe 2 out of about 5 or 6 I was certain I could trust) and I in no way, shape, or form wish that feeling on anyone else. I dare say that physical cheating is the lesser of those 2 evils because at least with that you can consider maybe it was only physical and maybe there wasn't any feeling behind it (not that I would choose either because both are an absolutely despicable thing to have done to you). With my last ex, there were women he communicated with through Craigslist personal ads, friends and ex girlfriends over Facebook messenger talking about his sex life and various things that he would talk about remembering doing with them, and texts sent with a couple females. When confronted about it he always blamed the fact that he wasn't emotionally stable because of his divorce and that he was "just trying to feel something again". I've also heard the excuse "it's harmless flirting" a ridiculous amount of times. It may be harmless to you and to the person on the other end that you're talking with but it is harmless to your partner that you're in the relationship with? (See my previous blog post on how our actions affect those closest to you).
If you have to delete anything or lie about anything to the person you're with, DON'T DO IT. Consider how your other half would feel if they found whatever text or message or snapchat or whatever that you were about to send. Be respectful of them and realize that once that line between flirting and inappropriate is crossed, the trust you have from your partner is gone.
Technology makes it SO easy to be unfaithful to someone these days. There's so many quick dating sites that have easy access apps. One swipe on your phone screen and you can either approve of and have a dating match in your area. One inappropriate photo on Snapchat can be sent in 2 seconds with the thought that "it's okay, it'll get deleted in 10 seconds". One ad can be answered on Craigslist Personals and you can meet up with some random stranger. REALLY?! Do we really want to devalue our personal relationships that we have with other people so that we can do these things? Is it worth it? Or is it more worth it to have some self control and true respect for ourselves and the people that we knowingly decide to have relationships with while keeping our circle of trust in tact?
I suppose it's just a matter of either pushing or not pushing a button on our phones or computers but if it's that easy to ruin a relationship, then I'd rather leave my phone off and close the laptop.
Friday, January 9, 2015
How do your actions effect me and the guy next to me?
I've been stuck on this subject all day. Brainstorming about how things we experience, and how we react to them, affect ourselves and those around us.
Everything we do in life requires us to make decisions. We either choose what we're taught as the "right" thing or we choose the "wrong" thing. The decisions may not even be really conscious ones. Even doing something that we do as a daily routine like getting dressed, brushing our teeth, or just simply getting out of bed and getting the day started is a decision on a small scale. If we choose not to do these things, the rest of our day can be affected in some way and even these small things have an effect on others that we will encounter during the day (if you don't believe me try not brushing your teeth for a few days and have conversations with someone).
So, how do our actions in a relationship affect the ones closest to us? My first thought, is to hit on the well known cliché that "actions speak louder than words". As a kid and a teenager, I never really felt like my actions affected those around me and I acted without considering that the things I said might not add up to my behavior. This is Typical behavior for children and teenagers because they usually live in their own worlds. As you get older and experience the world beyond the town that you've grown up in and get to come across people that you haven't known forever, you realize that the world doesn't revolve around you. In fact, you're only a minute fraction of the tiniest speck on an enormous map that is ever growing with people. There are just over 7 BILLION people in this entire world so the general thought is that you're so small, your actions don't have enough of an effect to really matter. So why think about them? Why think before you act and speak? Why not just do what you really want to or say the first thing that comes to your mind?
Let me break off for a second and give you an example of how something as small as a "normal" school day can be affected by the tiniest of actions. I feel that this can sort of give a sense of how much small actions can affect others. As a single mom, my world is ruled by my 8 year old daughter & my two dogs. It's ruled by a daily routine that is rarely flexible as far as being on the clock concerns. My alarm goes off at 5:45am every morning during the week. I wake up, meditate for a few minutes and then I check my email, check my daily horoscope, and sometimes check Facebook & Instagram. By 6:15am I'm in the shower and by 6:30am I'm out of the shower putting my hair up or straightening it or whatever I'm going to do to it that day and then I quickly throw on some foundation and a few other makeup items (not a big make up wearer unless I'm going somewhere special). By 6:45-6:50am I'm in my daughters room down the hall making sure she's out of bed because she likes to turn her alarm clock off in the morning for "just 5 more minutes". I run back and get dressed while she showers and then gets dressed, and by 7:15am we are downstairs cooking and eating breakfast, packing a snack for school, making sure last minute papers are in the backpack, filling water bottles, taking the dogs outside and feeding them. We're out the door by 7:35-7:40am. I drop my daughter off by 8:15am, hit the gym, run errands, go to appointments, etc. etc. etc. If ANY of this changes and we leave any later than 7:40am we're late to school because traffic backs up after that time. If my daughter decides she wants that "5 more minutes" or if my hair takes longer than it should or if I'm on Facebook longer than I've allotted, we're behind that traffic and late to school. If Natalie's late, it affects her attendance record which sometimes happens. That doesn't seem like a huge affect but on the other side of things, if I'm late getting her to school, I'm late to my training sessions at the gym. That pushes my trainer's schedule back and makes her late with her other clients and then both of our appointments we've got for the rest of the day are off kilter. Sometimes people don't like to push things back that 10 minutes so I have to reschedule this or that meeting. My days fill up FAST so you know what? Lets just be on time and make everyone's life a little bit less chaotic.
After school doesn't get much better when we go to karate, come home, have dinner, and by 7:00pm I tell my daughter to start getting ready for bed. This is a process, ALWAYS. There's bath or shower, 15 minutes of reading alone, 1 or 2 books read together, snuggle time and then by about 8:30 or 9:00pm she's out until I go get her the next morning. Usually that time is pushed a bit because she likes to play in the tub and then spend time with the dogs or whatever. I'm exhausted when bedtime rolls around but after that I STILL have stuff to do and usually don't get to bed before 11:30pm. If she gets to bed later than 9, she's exhausted and we start the whole late process over again because she doesn't want to get up. My point is that EVERYTHING has a ripple effect. You might be one tiny person compared to 7 billion but your actions can effect your family, friends, coworkers, etc. on a daily basis and more so, can effect yourself and your attitude and how you treat people.
So, how do my actions in and out of a relationship affect my daughter? I'm smart enough to know that if I'm not happy, my daughter isn't going to be either. If I'm in a bad mood, it affects the way I act toward her. Common sense. When you're in a relationship or married, if there are negative feelings, they unload on the kids because truly, "shit rolls down hill". I've always hated the saying "Happy wife, happy life". I think it's completely untrue and unfair and for sure needs to be changed to something like "happy spouse, happy house". Men can be just as moody as women and their attitude has the same affect on their family that the female's does.
When you're happy in a relationship things are generally good with attitude and actions. So I won't really touch on that. When you're in a relationship and things aren't so hot, even the smallest of actions can be detrimental. I asked a friend of mine his thoughts on this subject. I'm always eager to hear the point of the opposite sex because, just like females, you tend to get mixed opinions and thoughts pending on A) How they've been treated by the opposite sex, B) How they've grown emotionally from being hurt, and C) How they generally view the opposite sex and treat them. The general consensus from my friend was that actions of one person in a relationship can fully make the other person pull away. Granted, ALL relationships have issues and all arguing takes two people. You can either make it or break it with one argument, one action, and the things said. If you're having an argument with your other half and one person refuses to communicate and just walks away or refuses to tell you how they're actually feeling and won't address a problem, that's most likely to really piss the other person off when they're trying to fix things or figure out what's wrong and they can throw their hands in the air while tossing in the towel. People can't read minds so speak up and make yourself heard. If you an argue with someone and tell them why THEY'RE wrong (or why you think they're wrong anyway) then you can damn well communicate to them when you're feeling something. My guess is this stems from fear of criticism by the other party but I'll digress because this is not a therapy session and I'm not getting paid as if it is.
So, if I'm in a relationship with someone and it ends, how does THAT affect those around me? After all, they weren't in the relationship so theoretically, they wouldn't have anything to do with it. Very wrong assumption because I can easily tell you that ending a relationship causes grief and grief changes our attitude and outlook toward everyone and everything.
When my ex and I broke up and I went through all the crap that is thankfully coming to an end, I had a total change of attitude. I was unmotivated, lethargic, and just generally BLAH for lack of a better word. I'm usually a happy person and I'm optimistic (sometimes to the point of fault because if I truly think something can be done, I'll come up with 100 ways to try it even if it really isn't possible and I'll come up with some solution that's not logical at all). I like being that person that's ridiculously positive because that plays on self-confidence. The more positive I am, the better I feel. If you tell yourself it's going to be a crappy day, it's probably going to be a crappy day. By now, we all know that I'm not ALWAYS that person but that's life for everyone. If there weren't any downs then there wouldn't be any ups and we would wonder why life was so boring.
Let me just say this: With a BLAH attitude, your kids KNOW. You can fake smile and make your voice an octave higher when you talk to them but THEY KNOW. It's a little creepy how my daughter just gets what I'm feeling sometimes by looking at me. She knows the perfect moment to hug me and say something that's wise beyond her years that just softens my heart. Being happy and healthy is ideal because my attitude effects her. It's not always possible and my worry, is that she also is only 8 and doesn't need to be stressing about my relationship drama. That would be my reason for faking happiness around her. She needs to know that mommy is okay and can do her job without breaking down. The thing about being a parent (and especially a single parent) is that there are no breaks. You can't just decide that you're not feeling well and want a break because you & your partner had a fight and you need time to regroup. When you're physically sick? No breaks. Do it anyway and try not to infect your kid. This, in theory, applies to emotions too. You don't want your kid to see you not at your best. You want them to know you're strong and can handle anything for them. THAT is my initial thought. But when I actually sit and think about MY life and how I grew up, I want my daughter to know that I have weaknesses. If you're fighting with your spouse, you want to know that they FEEL and they're human right? You don't want to be with somebody that's always a solid wall. It's no different with kids. They need to see that their parents FEEL and aren't perfect. I wouldn't want a perfect parent for the sheer fact that when I think back and remember when I screwed up, the times I remember most are when my mom sat with me and was able to relate because she told me about mistakes she made. It made me understand that everyone screws up and it's part of growing up. If your parent is consistently non-communicative and never shows emotion, that has a huge effect on how you will grow up and treat your kids. Thankfully many people break away from that example and are able to recognize that it's not healthy.
Kids are going to play off of your actions and emotions. So if my actions and emotions after a relationship ends are negative, my daughter's will be too. And really, you can't be upset at that because kids learn by example. I think the test here is to know that you have to talk to your kids. It's okay to be upset or angry, but if you take that out of them, they're going to act the same. When I'm in a bad mood and get frustrated, my daughter gets frustrated which just frustrates me more. If I sit and tell my daughter what I'm feeling and roughly try to express why I'm feeling it, she understands and either tries to cheer me up or knows to give me a short time by myself. If I think about my current behavior and emotions and take the time to realize that I need to act logically and realize that my daughter has absolutely nothing to do with how I'm feeling, then I'll realize that by toning down my behavior I will in turn effect how she acts toward me.
When kids are in the picture, it's hard to realize that they get it. They play off of us and they learn from how we act and how we treat them. Kids are people too! They're tiny people but they're people nonetheless. Any time I'm in a bad mood and find myself taking it out on my daughter, or if I find myself getting frustrated and raising my voice with her or speaking to her in an unacceptable tone, I try to remind myself that I'd never get away with that behavior with an adult. If that's the case, then why would I treat my daughter that way? Thankfully, my daughter gives it right back to me if I get frustrated with her. She will yell and get an attitude with me if I do the same to her. It usually reminds me that you can only expect to get out how much you put in to any relationship. I shouldn't expect her (or anyone) to have a good attitude and good actions if I don't do the same for them.
Here's the most important part of ALL of that rambling. If you concentrate on yourself, you'll be happy and be able to have a better relationship with people around you and you'll be able to concentrate on your kids the way they deserve to be concentrated on while being able to teach them about all the crazy emotions they'll experience in life without scaring them away. I don't mean go out and be self-absorbed but if you do what you need to do to be healthy and happy (be it getting your nails done or getting a massage or even going to therapy) then that is going to cause your actions and attitude to be positive. Positive actions beget positive reactions and a positive attitude begets the same. It's a cycle just like anything else in life. Do what makes you happy, find your passion, and find the things that are important to you. Thrive on them and BE happy. I'm finding that a positive outlook on life and learning from negative experiences are the only ways to be at peace.
Everything we do in life requires us to make decisions. We either choose what we're taught as the "right" thing or we choose the "wrong" thing. The decisions may not even be really conscious ones. Even doing something that we do as a daily routine like getting dressed, brushing our teeth, or just simply getting out of bed and getting the day started is a decision on a small scale. If we choose not to do these things, the rest of our day can be affected in some way and even these small things have an effect on others that we will encounter during the day (if you don't believe me try not brushing your teeth for a few days and have conversations with someone).
So, how do our actions in a relationship affect the ones closest to us? My first thought, is to hit on the well known cliché that "actions speak louder than words". As a kid and a teenager, I never really felt like my actions affected those around me and I acted without considering that the things I said might not add up to my behavior. This is Typical behavior for children and teenagers because they usually live in their own worlds. As you get older and experience the world beyond the town that you've grown up in and get to come across people that you haven't known forever, you realize that the world doesn't revolve around you. In fact, you're only a minute fraction of the tiniest speck on an enormous map that is ever growing with people. There are just over 7 BILLION people in this entire world so the general thought is that you're so small, your actions don't have enough of an effect to really matter. So why think about them? Why think before you act and speak? Why not just do what you really want to or say the first thing that comes to your mind?
Let me break off for a second and give you an example of how something as small as a "normal" school day can be affected by the tiniest of actions. I feel that this can sort of give a sense of how much small actions can affect others. As a single mom, my world is ruled by my 8 year old daughter & my two dogs. It's ruled by a daily routine that is rarely flexible as far as being on the clock concerns. My alarm goes off at 5:45am every morning during the week. I wake up, meditate for a few minutes and then I check my email, check my daily horoscope, and sometimes check Facebook & Instagram. By 6:15am I'm in the shower and by 6:30am I'm out of the shower putting my hair up or straightening it or whatever I'm going to do to it that day and then I quickly throw on some foundation and a few other makeup items (not a big make up wearer unless I'm going somewhere special). By 6:45-6:50am I'm in my daughters room down the hall making sure she's out of bed because she likes to turn her alarm clock off in the morning for "just 5 more minutes". I run back and get dressed while she showers and then gets dressed, and by 7:15am we are downstairs cooking and eating breakfast, packing a snack for school, making sure last minute papers are in the backpack, filling water bottles, taking the dogs outside and feeding them. We're out the door by 7:35-7:40am. I drop my daughter off by 8:15am, hit the gym, run errands, go to appointments, etc. etc. etc. If ANY of this changes and we leave any later than 7:40am we're late to school because traffic backs up after that time. If my daughter decides she wants that "5 more minutes" or if my hair takes longer than it should or if I'm on Facebook longer than I've allotted, we're behind that traffic and late to school. If Natalie's late, it affects her attendance record which sometimes happens. That doesn't seem like a huge affect but on the other side of things, if I'm late getting her to school, I'm late to my training sessions at the gym. That pushes my trainer's schedule back and makes her late with her other clients and then both of our appointments we've got for the rest of the day are off kilter. Sometimes people don't like to push things back that 10 minutes so I have to reschedule this or that meeting. My days fill up FAST so you know what? Lets just be on time and make everyone's life a little bit less chaotic.
After school doesn't get much better when we go to karate, come home, have dinner, and by 7:00pm I tell my daughter to start getting ready for bed. This is a process, ALWAYS. There's bath or shower, 15 minutes of reading alone, 1 or 2 books read together, snuggle time and then by about 8:30 or 9:00pm she's out until I go get her the next morning. Usually that time is pushed a bit because she likes to play in the tub and then spend time with the dogs or whatever. I'm exhausted when bedtime rolls around but after that I STILL have stuff to do and usually don't get to bed before 11:30pm. If she gets to bed later than 9, she's exhausted and we start the whole late process over again because she doesn't want to get up. My point is that EVERYTHING has a ripple effect. You might be one tiny person compared to 7 billion but your actions can effect your family, friends, coworkers, etc. on a daily basis and more so, can effect yourself and your attitude and how you treat people.
So, how do my actions in and out of a relationship affect my daughter? I'm smart enough to know that if I'm not happy, my daughter isn't going to be either. If I'm in a bad mood, it affects the way I act toward her. Common sense. When you're in a relationship or married, if there are negative feelings, they unload on the kids because truly, "shit rolls down hill". I've always hated the saying "Happy wife, happy life". I think it's completely untrue and unfair and for sure needs to be changed to something like "happy spouse, happy house". Men can be just as moody as women and their attitude has the same affect on their family that the female's does.
When you're happy in a relationship things are generally good with attitude and actions. So I won't really touch on that. When you're in a relationship and things aren't so hot, even the smallest of actions can be detrimental. I asked a friend of mine his thoughts on this subject. I'm always eager to hear the point of the opposite sex because, just like females, you tend to get mixed opinions and thoughts pending on A) How they've been treated by the opposite sex, B) How they've grown emotionally from being hurt, and C) How they generally view the opposite sex and treat them. The general consensus from my friend was that actions of one person in a relationship can fully make the other person pull away. Granted, ALL relationships have issues and all arguing takes two people. You can either make it or break it with one argument, one action, and the things said. If you're having an argument with your other half and one person refuses to communicate and just walks away or refuses to tell you how they're actually feeling and won't address a problem, that's most likely to really piss the other person off when they're trying to fix things or figure out what's wrong and they can throw their hands in the air while tossing in the towel. People can't read minds so speak up and make yourself heard. If you an argue with someone and tell them why THEY'RE wrong (or why you think they're wrong anyway) then you can damn well communicate to them when you're feeling something. My guess is this stems from fear of criticism by the other party but I'll digress because this is not a therapy session and I'm not getting paid as if it is.
So, if I'm in a relationship with someone and it ends, how does THAT affect those around me? After all, they weren't in the relationship so theoretically, they wouldn't have anything to do with it. Very wrong assumption because I can easily tell you that ending a relationship causes grief and grief changes our attitude and outlook toward everyone and everything.
When my ex and I broke up and I went through all the crap that is thankfully coming to an end, I had a total change of attitude. I was unmotivated, lethargic, and just generally BLAH for lack of a better word. I'm usually a happy person and I'm optimistic (sometimes to the point of fault because if I truly think something can be done, I'll come up with 100 ways to try it even if it really isn't possible and I'll come up with some solution that's not logical at all). I like being that person that's ridiculously positive because that plays on self-confidence. The more positive I am, the better I feel. If you tell yourself it's going to be a crappy day, it's probably going to be a crappy day. By now, we all know that I'm not ALWAYS that person but that's life for everyone. If there weren't any downs then there wouldn't be any ups and we would wonder why life was so boring.
Let me just say this: With a BLAH attitude, your kids KNOW. You can fake smile and make your voice an octave higher when you talk to them but THEY KNOW. It's a little creepy how my daughter just gets what I'm feeling sometimes by looking at me. She knows the perfect moment to hug me and say something that's wise beyond her years that just softens my heart. Being happy and healthy is ideal because my attitude effects her. It's not always possible and my worry, is that she also is only 8 and doesn't need to be stressing about my relationship drama. That would be my reason for faking happiness around her. She needs to know that mommy is okay and can do her job without breaking down. The thing about being a parent (and especially a single parent) is that there are no breaks. You can't just decide that you're not feeling well and want a break because you & your partner had a fight and you need time to regroup. When you're physically sick? No breaks. Do it anyway and try not to infect your kid. This, in theory, applies to emotions too. You don't want your kid to see you not at your best. You want them to know you're strong and can handle anything for them. THAT is my initial thought. But when I actually sit and think about MY life and how I grew up, I want my daughter to know that I have weaknesses. If you're fighting with your spouse, you want to know that they FEEL and they're human right? You don't want to be with somebody that's always a solid wall. It's no different with kids. They need to see that their parents FEEL and aren't perfect. I wouldn't want a perfect parent for the sheer fact that when I think back and remember when I screwed up, the times I remember most are when my mom sat with me and was able to relate because she told me about mistakes she made. It made me understand that everyone screws up and it's part of growing up. If your parent is consistently non-communicative and never shows emotion, that has a huge effect on how you will grow up and treat your kids. Thankfully many people break away from that example and are able to recognize that it's not healthy.
Kids are going to play off of your actions and emotions. So if my actions and emotions after a relationship ends are negative, my daughter's will be too. And really, you can't be upset at that because kids learn by example. I think the test here is to know that you have to talk to your kids. It's okay to be upset or angry, but if you take that out of them, they're going to act the same. When I'm in a bad mood and get frustrated, my daughter gets frustrated which just frustrates me more. If I sit and tell my daughter what I'm feeling and roughly try to express why I'm feeling it, she understands and either tries to cheer me up or knows to give me a short time by myself. If I think about my current behavior and emotions and take the time to realize that I need to act logically and realize that my daughter has absolutely nothing to do with how I'm feeling, then I'll realize that by toning down my behavior I will in turn effect how she acts toward me.
When kids are in the picture, it's hard to realize that they get it. They play off of us and they learn from how we act and how we treat them. Kids are people too! They're tiny people but they're people nonetheless. Any time I'm in a bad mood and find myself taking it out on my daughter, or if I find myself getting frustrated and raising my voice with her or speaking to her in an unacceptable tone, I try to remind myself that I'd never get away with that behavior with an adult. If that's the case, then why would I treat my daughter that way? Thankfully, my daughter gives it right back to me if I get frustrated with her. She will yell and get an attitude with me if I do the same to her. It usually reminds me that you can only expect to get out how much you put in to any relationship. I shouldn't expect her (or anyone) to have a good attitude and good actions if I don't do the same for them.
Here's the most important part of ALL of that rambling. If you concentrate on yourself, you'll be happy and be able to have a better relationship with people around you and you'll be able to concentrate on your kids the way they deserve to be concentrated on while being able to teach them about all the crazy emotions they'll experience in life without scaring them away. I don't mean go out and be self-absorbed but if you do what you need to do to be healthy and happy (be it getting your nails done or getting a massage or even going to therapy) then that is going to cause your actions and attitude to be positive. Positive actions beget positive reactions and a positive attitude begets the same. It's a cycle just like anything else in life. Do what makes you happy, find your passion, and find the things that are important to you. Thrive on them and BE happy. I'm finding that a positive outlook on life and learning from negative experiences are the only ways to be at peace.
Thursday, January 8, 2015
1/8/15 Because Making Lists is What I do Best...
I said this morning that I was going to make a list of things Id really like to find in whoever I end up dating next. I did that today (actually, just in the last half hour or so) and I made my final list of races that I want to do this year. I greatly narrowed it down from a huge list of about 15 to a list that's practical and financially affordable. Id love to be able to do everything but some of the dates overlapped with each other & with other things (eh hem...TVD Convention again in Vegas anyone?!). Plus, at no less than $40 a race per person plus hotels & gas & food (I usually make it a weekend event), these things get a little costly. Beginning in March I'll be doing a Foam Glow run in Richmond (not too far away!). There's a Color Run in April, a Wounded Warrior run in June, a Dirty Girl mud run in August, and I'm finishing off the year by flying to Disneyland in CA for the Disney Half Marathon. There's also a 10K that weekend at the same location so I haven't fully decided which Im going to train for. I may just push myself to go for the 13.1 miles...we'll see. I have til February to decide because that's when registration opens. I'm VERY excited. I signed my daughter up to run a couple of the color runs with me so it really will be fun!! (Side note: I never would have thought I'd be combining the words running and fun in any sense...)
Anyhow, so the majority of the day was taken up by appointments...my munchkin has to have oral surgery next Thursday morning. :-( Im more worried than she is!!!! No kidding. I was sitting in the surgeons office listening to them talk about putting her out with the IV and just worrying to death. My daughter however was like "Oh. Well, okay. I'm a little nervous but I'm a blackbelt in karate so it'll be okay." She never fails to amaze me and I love her SO much. I'm so proud of the independent, strong little lady she's becoming.
So, a bit ago, I wrote a "Dear Santa" blog. I was griping about a day when I had lunch with some friends that couldn't discuss anything except for sexual stuff. I got irritated because that entire day was filled with innuendos and disregard for any emotional crap I was going through at the time. It got me thinking about things that would be nice to have if I could ever find someone that didn't play games & was trustworthy. My initial list is first followed by a couple add ons. Overall, it's really been a fabulous few days. I'm happy, smiling, laughing...and I genuinely feel like I'd even be okay going out with someone new. Only problem with that is I DON'T DATE. I've said it a million times: I hate dating. I'd rather have friends that can travel to cool places with me but all my friends are married with kids...so yeah. I suppose that will certainly help my 2015 goal of more travel but I'll be doing it by myself sometimes! If anyone figures out the answer to the dating thing let me know.
The Things I'd like to find in my other half:
1) Please be well-rounded and semi-aware of happenings in the world. I don't watch the news. In fact, I hate the news. And I hate politics. But I semi-know about issues in the world because I'm part of social media and I check up on things so that if people talk about them, I can join in the conversation if I want to.
2) Please read. Please read more than Maxim. Not to say it doesn't have good articles, because sometimes it does. But please read books or something of that sort. I don't care if you read Biographies or Fiction or Sci-Fi. Just read something other than trashy magazines. My favorite books are fantasy/fiction types but chances are, if you suggest a book, I'll read it.
3) Please love music. Or at least LIKE it. Please realize that I love all genres of music unless it makes me want to slam my head against a wall (re: System of a Down or Rage Against the Machine) or drive a tractor through a cornfield because my dog got ran over by my ex-wife (re: super twangy country). Please know what a Genre is.
4) Like to travel! This isn't a request unless you don't ever want to go anywhere with me and even then, that really isn't cool. It's a deal-breaker for the most part because I WILL travel. It'd be great if you liked to learn about other cultures like I do but you MUST be a good travel buddy and also like road trips (random ones are the most fun).
5) You're going to need to like to eat. I love to eat & I love to try new foods. I eat 6 times a day (Please don't comment on the fact I'm always eating. I'm pretty aware of the fact that I carry around protein bars and fruit and such). Would you rather me be grumpy?
6) Understand that I'm not a stereo-typical female. Cars, UFC, motorcycles...those things top my list of stuff that I know & understand & can discuss because I've had experience with all of them at some point or another. However, I AM still female. I like shoes (they may be running shoes but still...) & sunglasses & shopping randomly (window shopping is awesome). I won't beg you to go shopping with me. I'll ask you if you want to go and I won't throw a fit if you say no. If you say yes, we can definitely look at stuff you want to look for (or if you want to go to Lowe's or Gander Mountain or something I'm cool with that too. I like those stores). I also won't ask you to pay for stuff for me or carry my bags.
7) Please know that I like a few of the finer things in life. I like the quality designer things have because they really don't wear out as fast as some other things. I like to go to really nice restaurants once in awhile and stay in nice hotels when I travel. If it's just us, I like renting impractical awesome cars when we travel. Because I can and it's fun sometimes to do stuff that's not completely logical. However, I do love Target and TJ Maxx as well.
8) Be healthy! This isn't a request. You need to be as concerned about your health as I am about mine because A) It gives us the option to do active things together (get your mind out of the gutter. I'm talking about snowboarding and hiking and the like). B) I REALLY don't like fast food (except maybe Chic Fil A once in awhile). It makes me feel guilty to say "You can stop there but I'm not eating anything". If you're of the healthier mindset you'll also understand WHY I'm in the gym as much as I am. Please don't complain about me going to the gym as much as I do. I work my ass off for what I have and I don't intend on losing it.
ADDITIONS TO THIS LIST:
9) You need to accept that my daughter & I are a package deal. It's both of us, not just me. Please treat her as so after you meet her. If you disrespect her (or if you just doesn't like you) it just won't work.
10) Animals! You really should love animals. I have a soft spot in my heart for all animals, I love the zoo and the aquarium even though I've been there TONS of times! My 2 dogs are my babies and they're spoiled rotten. If they don't like you either, it's not going to work.
11) Don't be afraid to speak up and talk to me. You MUST be willing to TALK to me.
12) I'm sensitive and if I don't understand something you've said, I'll ask what you meant or if you can repeat yourself. It doesn't mean I wasn't listening it just means I'm not processing what you're meaning. Please attempt to explain yourself again without getting frustrated with me.
13) Please be willing to go out once in awhile, have a couple drinks and just hang out or go dancing or something but also know that I like to stay home and cuddle on the couch with a good movie as well. If you wanna throw some wine & a fireplace in there I'm TOTALLY okay with that (Moscato D'Asti is my favorite wine).
14) Don't play games. This is NOT a request. I'm 31 and I STILL can't find somebody that knows what loyalty and exclusivity actually means. If you want to give the girl with the nice ass a look at the beach, cool. Chances are, I'll have noticed her first and pointed her out to you. If you want to Facebook message your "friend" that's your ex girlfriend on Facebook about your sex life...First, you're getting a dictionary for Christmas that's turned to the page where "inappropriate" is listed. Second, you're now single.
15) The beach. Like the beach. I LOVE the beach and I feel most at home when I'm near the ocean. I will travel to the beach A LOT during the summer so I'd like it if you go with me.
16) Let me know when YOU want to do something for YOU. Guys night out? Cool. Have fun. Want me to come and do something you love? Awesome. If I like it, I'll join you next time too. If not? Don't stop doing what you love because I might not like it. Teach me about things you enjoy. We'll switch off on stuff like picking movies, places to eat, & things we do together. There's no reason for one person to get everything they want and the other to be left feeling like the things they like are not important.
17) Realize that all of these things apply to me as well in a vice versa context. If you think I'm being weird or sketchy, call me out on it and let's discuss like adults. Then we can make up. :)
I'm sure I'll be adding to this but that's it for now.
Here's to PROGRESS. CHEERS.
Anyhow, so the majority of the day was taken up by appointments...my munchkin has to have oral surgery next Thursday morning. :-( Im more worried than she is!!!! No kidding. I was sitting in the surgeons office listening to them talk about putting her out with the IV and just worrying to death. My daughter however was like "Oh. Well, okay. I'm a little nervous but I'm a blackbelt in karate so it'll be okay." She never fails to amaze me and I love her SO much. I'm so proud of the independent, strong little lady she's becoming.
So, a bit ago, I wrote a "Dear Santa" blog. I was griping about a day when I had lunch with some friends that couldn't discuss anything except for sexual stuff. I got irritated because that entire day was filled with innuendos and disregard for any emotional crap I was going through at the time. It got me thinking about things that would be nice to have if I could ever find someone that didn't play games & was trustworthy. My initial list is first followed by a couple add ons. Overall, it's really been a fabulous few days. I'm happy, smiling, laughing...and I genuinely feel like I'd even be okay going out with someone new. Only problem with that is I DON'T DATE. I've said it a million times: I hate dating. I'd rather have friends that can travel to cool places with me but all my friends are married with kids...so yeah. I suppose that will certainly help my 2015 goal of more travel but I'll be doing it by myself sometimes! If anyone figures out the answer to the dating thing let me know.
The Things I'd like to find in my other half:
1) Please be well-rounded and semi-aware of happenings in the world. I don't watch the news. In fact, I hate the news. And I hate politics. But I semi-know about issues in the world because I'm part of social media and I check up on things so that if people talk about them, I can join in the conversation if I want to.
2) Please read. Please read more than Maxim. Not to say it doesn't have good articles, because sometimes it does. But please read books or something of that sort. I don't care if you read Biographies or Fiction or Sci-Fi. Just read something other than trashy magazines. My favorite books are fantasy/fiction types but chances are, if you suggest a book, I'll read it.
3) Please love music. Or at least LIKE it. Please realize that I love all genres of music unless it makes me want to slam my head against a wall (re: System of a Down or Rage Against the Machine) or drive a tractor through a cornfield because my dog got ran over by my ex-wife (re: super twangy country). Please know what a Genre is.
4) Like to travel! This isn't a request unless you don't ever want to go anywhere with me and even then, that really isn't cool. It's a deal-breaker for the most part because I WILL travel. It'd be great if you liked to learn about other cultures like I do but you MUST be a good travel buddy and also like road trips (random ones are the most fun).
5) You're going to need to like to eat. I love to eat & I love to try new foods. I eat 6 times a day (Please don't comment on the fact I'm always eating. I'm pretty aware of the fact that I carry around protein bars and fruit and such). Would you rather me be grumpy?
6) Understand that I'm not a stereo-typical female. Cars, UFC, motorcycles...those things top my list of stuff that I know & understand & can discuss because I've had experience with all of them at some point or another. However, I AM still female. I like shoes (they may be running shoes but still...) & sunglasses & shopping randomly (window shopping is awesome). I won't beg you to go shopping with me. I'll ask you if you want to go and I won't throw a fit if you say no. If you say yes, we can definitely look at stuff you want to look for (or if you want to go to Lowe's or Gander Mountain or something I'm cool with that too. I like those stores). I also won't ask you to pay for stuff for me or carry my bags.
7) Please know that I like a few of the finer things in life. I like the quality designer things have because they really don't wear out as fast as some other things. I like to go to really nice restaurants once in awhile and stay in nice hotels when I travel. If it's just us, I like renting impractical awesome cars when we travel. Because I can and it's fun sometimes to do stuff that's not completely logical. However, I do love Target and TJ Maxx as well.
8) Be healthy! This isn't a request. You need to be as concerned about your health as I am about mine because A) It gives us the option to do active things together (get your mind out of the gutter. I'm talking about snowboarding and hiking and the like). B) I REALLY don't like fast food (except maybe Chic Fil A once in awhile). It makes me feel guilty to say "You can stop there but I'm not eating anything". If you're of the healthier mindset you'll also understand WHY I'm in the gym as much as I am. Please don't complain about me going to the gym as much as I do. I work my ass off for what I have and I don't intend on losing it.
ADDITIONS TO THIS LIST:
9) You need to accept that my daughter & I are a package deal. It's both of us, not just me. Please treat her as so after you meet her. If you disrespect her (or if you just doesn't like you) it just won't work.
10) Animals! You really should love animals. I have a soft spot in my heart for all animals, I love the zoo and the aquarium even though I've been there TONS of times! My 2 dogs are my babies and they're spoiled rotten. If they don't like you either, it's not going to work.
11) Don't be afraid to speak up and talk to me. You MUST be willing to TALK to me.
12) I'm sensitive and if I don't understand something you've said, I'll ask what you meant or if you can repeat yourself. It doesn't mean I wasn't listening it just means I'm not processing what you're meaning. Please attempt to explain yourself again without getting frustrated with me.
13) Please be willing to go out once in awhile, have a couple drinks and just hang out or go dancing or something but also know that I like to stay home and cuddle on the couch with a good movie as well. If you wanna throw some wine & a fireplace in there I'm TOTALLY okay with that (Moscato D'Asti is my favorite wine).
14) Don't play games. This is NOT a request. I'm 31 and I STILL can't find somebody that knows what loyalty and exclusivity actually means. If you want to give the girl with the nice ass a look at the beach, cool. Chances are, I'll have noticed her first and pointed her out to you. If you want to Facebook message your "friend" that's your ex girlfriend on Facebook about your sex life...First, you're getting a dictionary for Christmas that's turned to the page where "inappropriate" is listed. Second, you're now single.
15) The beach. Like the beach. I LOVE the beach and I feel most at home when I'm near the ocean. I will travel to the beach A LOT during the summer so I'd like it if you go with me.
16) Let me know when YOU want to do something for YOU. Guys night out? Cool. Have fun. Want me to come and do something you love? Awesome. If I like it, I'll join you next time too. If not? Don't stop doing what you love because I might not like it. Teach me about things you enjoy. We'll switch off on stuff like picking movies, places to eat, & things we do together. There's no reason for one person to get everything they want and the other to be left feeling like the things they like are not important.
17) Realize that all of these things apply to me as well in a vice versa context. If you think I'm being weird or sketchy, call me out on it and let's discuss like adults. Then we can make up. :)
I'm sure I'll be adding to this but that's it for now.
Here's to PROGRESS. CHEERS.
1/8/2015 F*ck This!
That was the FIRST thought on my mind this morning and you know what it's pertaining to? The fact that it's 9 Effing degrees outside and there's a wind chill advisory. Fuck that. Seriously. I got in at 1 something this morning from a friend's house and it was 14 and BRUTAL. I want sand, and sun, and FLIP FLOPS. I MISS MY FLIP FLOPS DAMNIT!!! Ugh. I'm flying to Los Angeles in late February and may just not come back until summer.
Anyway, so I'm totally procrastinating right now because I do need to get up. My daughter is missing school today because she has an orthodontist appt and an oral surgeon appt this morning. I don't envy her. The thought of the dentist makes my teeth hurt. However, I very much plan on taking her to a great lunch afterwards because the poor girl is a worrier and is going to be asking a zillion questions about having to get 2 teeth pulled at a later date and if she's going to need braces, when she has to get them, if they'll hurt, etc. etc. I don't remember worrying so much as a kid and I'm definitely pretty laid back when it comes to that stuff now so I have no idea where it comes from for her.
Definitely an update on all that later...
As for me?? Well, my days have gotten significantly better. I've been just stupidly busy as always but I'd say since I last posted, I feel like me again. There's a couple things I want to do today if I get the time. The first is to register for at least 3 5K's and 1 10K this year. My mile time is continuing to improve and I attribute that to making myself do at least 3 miles a day if not more (on the days I don't weight train because it's only a mile on weight days. Who wants to run when you're working legs?).
The second, is I want to make a new "Dear Santa" list. The list of things I want in a guy. Not too much has changed but I do want to go back and re-read it & edit it a bit & add some things to it. THAT I'm excited about because if things keep up like they have the last 3 days, I'll be glad to say that I'm in a much better place & ready to start over with someone new. I'm still terrified that I'll have to go through heartbreak again but recently, I think I might have been proven wrong in thinking that all guys are the same. Trust me, I'm happy to say that and I've always been of the "no risk, no reward" mindset.
So, with that said, I'm off to shower and curse my way through starting the Jeep to warm up while I eat breakfast so I can somehow brave this cold. I need a parka in this nonsense. And someone to lay with that'll let me keep my feet warm up against them (eh hem...requirement #1 of the new list). :)
More later...
Anyway, so I'm totally procrastinating right now because I do need to get up. My daughter is missing school today because she has an orthodontist appt and an oral surgeon appt this morning. I don't envy her. The thought of the dentist makes my teeth hurt. However, I very much plan on taking her to a great lunch afterwards because the poor girl is a worrier and is going to be asking a zillion questions about having to get 2 teeth pulled at a later date and if she's going to need braces, when she has to get them, if they'll hurt, etc. etc. I don't remember worrying so much as a kid and I'm definitely pretty laid back when it comes to that stuff now so I have no idea where it comes from for her.
Definitely an update on all that later...
As for me?? Well, my days have gotten significantly better. I've been just stupidly busy as always but I'd say since I last posted, I feel like me again. There's a couple things I want to do today if I get the time. The first is to register for at least 3 5K's and 1 10K this year. My mile time is continuing to improve and I attribute that to making myself do at least 3 miles a day if not more (on the days I don't weight train because it's only a mile on weight days. Who wants to run when you're working legs?).
The second, is I want to make a new "Dear Santa" list. The list of things I want in a guy. Not too much has changed but I do want to go back and re-read it & edit it a bit & add some things to it. THAT I'm excited about because if things keep up like they have the last 3 days, I'll be glad to say that I'm in a much better place & ready to start over with someone new. I'm still terrified that I'll have to go through heartbreak again but recently, I think I might have been proven wrong in thinking that all guys are the same. Trust me, I'm happy to say that and I've always been of the "no risk, no reward" mindset.
So, with that said, I'm off to shower and curse my way through starting the Jeep to warm up while I eat breakfast so I can somehow brave this cold. I need a parka in this nonsense. And someone to lay with that'll let me keep my feet warm up against them (eh hem...requirement #1 of the new list). :)
More later...
Monday, January 5, 2015
1/5/15 I Used to Love Roller Coasters - Now I Want Off
Thinking back to when you were a kid...why did you love roller coasters? What about them thrilled you? The slow creeping toward the top? Or was it the sudden unexpected plummet to the bottom that took your breath away?
If you're like me, it was a mixture of both. Over all it was just a thrill every time. Even now, I love roller coasters. However, I WANT OFF of the emotional one that I seem to be on. I no longer want to ride and I don't care if it's torn down or burned to the ground. I'll opt for the straight drive right out of the whole f**king theme park if that's what it takes.
As explained to me today, I'm normal. I'm a normal human being who's grieving a loss and this roller coaster of emotions is perfectly normal. **Cue one eyebrowed stare which means, "Really?!"** Up until yesterday my days were GREAT. And yesterday I plummeted. I definitely haven't been able to get rid of the anger that has accompanied the mess of thoughts that I've had about my dear old ex and his new sidekick. I'm really just tired of the same thoughts that I can't get to go away no matter how busy I stay or how much I tell myself it's not beneficial to be even thinking about these things. I'm angry at the fact that he took her to meet his brother and his family at Christmas and probably home to CA for New Year's and I'm angry that he didn't have balls enough break off our relationship when he knew he didn't love me. I'm angry that his brother probably had nothing to say at the fact that my ex moved on so fast (wtf?!). I'm angry that he didn't care enough to answer my calls for help and I'm furious that he moved on so fast. I'm even more angry that his girlfriend is buying into his crap and his SELFISHNESS. Even more than all of that mess, I'm angry that I can't forget him like he's forgotten me. I'm also angry that I spent so much $ on him. About 95% of me wants to call or text him and tell him to mail the watches that I bought him back because Lord knows with all 3 or 4 I'd be able to pay off my credit card and then some. He also probably told his ex he bought them himself which is crap. But hey, I couldn't even get him to mail back my Tupperware containers that I used on a regular basis so I know the watches (eh hem...time pieces) won't happen.
So all in all, I need stress relief. I start acupuncture tomorrow a couple times a week and I'm killing my workouts at the gym. I need clarity so meditating is the choice for that. I need to do it more than I do because it works. My choice of social media lately has been Instagram for the sheer fact that I don't have to post anything but photos which is what I like to do anyway. I don't have to worry about wanting to look up anybody or deal with drama.
I JUST want to get off this ride. It's been a hell of a ride and I'm tired of it. I don't want a new ride, I just want to be back at home where I know for sure that I won't be plummeting unexpectedly into a valley of unwanted emotions.
I'm off to do some much needed relaxation and hope I get a restful nights sleep!!
If you're like me, it was a mixture of both. Over all it was just a thrill every time. Even now, I love roller coasters. However, I WANT OFF of the emotional one that I seem to be on. I no longer want to ride and I don't care if it's torn down or burned to the ground. I'll opt for the straight drive right out of the whole f**king theme park if that's what it takes.
As explained to me today, I'm normal. I'm a normal human being who's grieving a loss and this roller coaster of emotions is perfectly normal. **Cue one eyebrowed stare which means, "Really?!"** Up until yesterday my days were GREAT. And yesterday I plummeted. I definitely haven't been able to get rid of the anger that has accompanied the mess of thoughts that I've had about my dear old ex and his new sidekick. I'm really just tired of the same thoughts that I can't get to go away no matter how busy I stay or how much I tell myself it's not beneficial to be even thinking about these things. I'm angry at the fact that he took her to meet his brother and his family at Christmas and probably home to CA for New Year's and I'm angry that he didn't have balls enough break off our relationship when he knew he didn't love me. I'm angry that his brother probably had nothing to say at the fact that my ex moved on so fast (wtf?!). I'm angry that he didn't care enough to answer my calls for help and I'm furious that he moved on so fast. I'm even more angry that his girlfriend is buying into his crap and his SELFISHNESS. Even more than all of that mess, I'm angry that I can't forget him like he's forgotten me. I'm also angry that I spent so much $ on him. About 95% of me wants to call or text him and tell him to mail the watches that I bought him back because Lord knows with all 3 or 4 I'd be able to pay off my credit card and then some. He also probably told his ex he bought them himself which is crap. But hey, I couldn't even get him to mail back my Tupperware containers that I used on a regular basis so I know the watches (eh hem...time pieces) won't happen.
So all in all, I need stress relief. I start acupuncture tomorrow a couple times a week and I'm killing my workouts at the gym. I need clarity so meditating is the choice for that. I need to do it more than I do because it works. My choice of social media lately has been Instagram for the sheer fact that I don't have to post anything but photos which is what I like to do anyway. I don't have to worry about wanting to look up anybody or deal with drama.
I JUST want to get off this ride. It's been a hell of a ride and I'm tired of it. I don't want a new ride, I just want to be back at home where I know for sure that I won't be plummeting unexpectedly into a valley of unwanted emotions.
I'm off to do some much needed relaxation and hope I get a restful nights sleep!!
Sunday, January 4, 2015
1/4/15 I Had to Leave...
So, first, I realized I've still been dating these posts with a December date. Definitely something I would do. :-). At least I got the year right!
Anyway, so today has actually ended up being a stay at home day. I did our meal plan for the next few days so I can go shopping tomorrow for the stuff. LOTS of yummy food on the menu.
My girl got this amazing Lego set from her dad for Christmas so we've been putting that together for hours and watching the Jetsons.
More importantly, I've been doing some thinking today on what it means to be with someone and how someone makes you feel in a relationship. At the beginning of any relationship there's that "honeymoon phase". The first 3 months are phenomenal and then you start to get to know the person. I've had this in all of my relationships except for this latest one. We were friends for 6 months before we started officially dating so there wasn't really any of the honeymoon phase (he actually agreed with me on this once when we discussed it so I'm not downing that part of our relationship). I prefer this...being friends with someone first was incredibly beneficial. So after the "everything is perfect" phase, what do you move to within 6 months and a year and after that? How does that person make you feel when you're with them? The absolute best memories I have of my ex are 1) The first time he came over to my house and I walked him out to his car when he left he pulled me close and kissed me. One of those passionate, can't be rivaled by words moments. And then it started pouring down rain. It was seriously something out of a movie and I'll remember that moment and how I felt forever. 2) Laying on the couch watching movies with him laying in my lap and me playing with his hair.
I bring these moments to light because they're moments when I felt closest to my ex. I felt like we belonged together. They're small things but they stand out most because we were there together. We were present and our hearts were in it. As time went on, as previously mentioned in a different post, he was more distant, not present, no heart. There is absolutely nothing worse than being with someone and having them make you feel like you're alone. I've always said that complacency in any relationship will kill it quickly. Complacency is different than not being present and shutting out the other person though. So I think this might be filed under one of the reasons things came to a close. I said from the beginning that we were no longer on the same page and I've kind of just now been able to pinpoint how that made me feel. I felt very alone even when we were together.
Anyway, there wasn't a whole lot of point to all that except to get what I was thinking out and to put it to rest with everything else. I'm getting there (where I need to be). Baby steps. Little by little I'm finding my heart doesn't hurt so much and I'm getting back to a sense of normal.
So I guess here's to all the randomly occurring thoughts and emotions that pop up on quiet days. May they bring a sense of calm and quiet within ones heart and head. Cheers.
QOTD: "I had to leave. I felt lonely when he held me." -Warsan Shire
Anyway, so today has actually ended up being a stay at home day. I did our meal plan for the next few days so I can go shopping tomorrow for the stuff. LOTS of yummy food on the menu.
My girl got this amazing Lego set from her dad for Christmas so we've been putting that together for hours and watching the Jetsons.
More importantly, I've been doing some thinking today on what it means to be with someone and how someone makes you feel in a relationship. At the beginning of any relationship there's that "honeymoon phase". The first 3 months are phenomenal and then you start to get to know the person. I've had this in all of my relationships except for this latest one. We were friends for 6 months before we started officially dating so there wasn't really any of the honeymoon phase (he actually agreed with me on this once when we discussed it so I'm not downing that part of our relationship). I prefer this...being friends with someone first was incredibly beneficial. So after the "everything is perfect" phase, what do you move to within 6 months and a year and after that? How does that person make you feel when you're with them? The absolute best memories I have of my ex are 1) The first time he came over to my house and I walked him out to his car when he left he pulled me close and kissed me. One of those passionate, can't be rivaled by words moments. And then it started pouring down rain. It was seriously something out of a movie and I'll remember that moment and how I felt forever. 2) Laying on the couch watching movies with him laying in my lap and me playing with his hair.
I bring these moments to light because they're moments when I felt closest to my ex. I felt like we belonged together. They're small things but they stand out most because we were there together. We were present and our hearts were in it. As time went on, as previously mentioned in a different post, he was more distant, not present, no heart. There is absolutely nothing worse than being with someone and having them make you feel like you're alone. I've always said that complacency in any relationship will kill it quickly. Complacency is different than not being present and shutting out the other person though. So I think this might be filed under one of the reasons things came to a close. I said from the beginning that we were no longer on the same page and I've kind of just now been able to pinpoint how that made me feel. I felt very alone even when we were together.
Anyway, there wasn't a whole lot of point to all that except to get what I was thinking out and to put it to rest with everything else. I'm getting there (where I need to be). Baby steps. Little by little I'm finding my heart doesn't hurt so much and I'm getting back to a sense of normal.
So I guess here's to all the randomly occurring thoughts and emotions that pop up on quiet days. May they bring a sense of calm and quiet within ones heart and head. Cheers.
QOTD: "I had to leave. I felt lonely when he held me." -Warsan Shire
1/4/15 Unexpected Dreaming
I don't USUALLY blog in the morning hours. I also am usually up before the sun these days and don't go to bed before 1130pm but I suppose since I fell asleep around 9pm last night I should have known things would be a bit off. It's 9am and I just fully woke up about 30 min ago. I started tossing and turning around 630 I guess but it wasn't just shoulder discomfort like it usually is.
I had a massively weird dream about my ex. Figures right? The dream entailed me being on some kind of cruise or vacation with my extended family (there's a lot of us so we were all spread out around this HUGE table during a meal). It was later in the year - late September to be specific - and the news was on. It was showing some kind of an attack overseas and I remember thinking that's where my ex was deployed to. After that, a messenger came in with a wrapped up letter and when I opened it, it was from my ex. I thought it was weird that he would write to me and not to his girlfriend. In the letter he stated that he didn't know if he was going to make it because there were a lot of attacks and such going on and that he was going to try and call at some point and to keep my phone on. A bit of time passed (a few days) and the exact same setting was happening in the dream except there were a lot of huge waves crashing onto the boat we were on and these fold down windows they had needed to be shut. My phone rang but there wasn't anyone there and then another letter came in and this one said "I'm sorry! I love YOU!" (Go figure right?). In the dream I got this image of my ex kind of all battered and beat up from fighting where he was. Okay so time passes a bit more and this time I was walking around the same boat but it had turned into this hotel area that was really really crowded with people. My family was sleeping on the floor in the halls because it was so packed. I got a phone call and when I answered it, my ex was yelling because of bad service and noise in the background. He said that he had been where I was and was looking for me but I didn't answer his texts as to where I was and he had to leave to get back overseas. I told my family it was him and Id missed him and one of them answered "Oh, well, it's just (insert his name here)." End dream.
Very weird but Im fairly certain it combined elements of the fact that he IS going to be deployed later this year with my wondering if something will end up happening to him under the circumstances he will be in. As far as the letters, my subconscious probably is wondering if he will ever change. No matter though because a) it doesn't actually affect me in reality and b) it doesnt benefit me to sit and wonder about his path of life.
So, I'm off to cook breakfast, hit the gym, and maybe even go see a movie today. I'm ready for it to get warm outside for sure. The rain and cold just makes it insanely miserable. Thank goodness for heated seats. :-).
Here's to being able to write down my thoughts so they're no longer on my mind and having a clear headed day! Cheers!
I had a massively weird dream about my ex. Figures right? The dream entailed me being on some kind of cruise or vacation with my extended family (there's a lot of us so we were all spread out around this HUGE table during a meal). It was later in the year - late September to be specific - and the news was on. It was showing some kind of an attack overseas and I remember thinking that's where my ex was deployed to. After that, a messenger came in with a wrapped up letter and when I opened it, it was from my ex. I thought it was weird that he would write to me and not to his girlfriend. In the letter he stated that he didn't know if he was going to make it because there were a lot of attacks and such going on and that he was going to try and call at some point and to keep my phone on. A bit of time passed (a few days) and the exact same setting was happening in the dream except there were a lot of huge waves crashing onto the boat we were on and these fold down windows they had needed to be shut. My phone rang but there wasn't anyone there and then another letter came in and this one said "I'm sorry! I love YOU!" (Go figure right?). In the dream I got this image of my ex kind of all battered and beat up from fighting where he was. Okay so time passes a bit more and this time I was walking around the same boat but it had turned into this hotel area that was really really crowded with people. My family was sleeping on the floor in the halls because it was so packed. I got a phone call and when I answered it, my ex was yelling because of bad service and noise in the background. He said that he had been where I was and was looking for me but I didn't answer his texts as to where I was and he had to leave to get back overseas. I told my family it was him and Id missed him and one of them answered "Oh, well, it's just (insert his name here)." End dream.
Very weird but Im fairly certain it combined elements of the fact that he IS going to be deployed later this year with my wondering if something will end up happening to him under the circumstances he will be in. As far as the letters, my subconscious probably is wondering if he will ever change. No matter though because a) it doesn't actually affect me in reality and b) it doesnt benefit me to sit and wonder about his path of life.
So, I'm off to cook breakfast, hit the gym, and maybe even go see a movie today. I'm ready for it to get warm outside for sure. The rain and cold just makes it insanely miserable. Thank goodness for heated seats. :-).
Here's to being able to write down my thoughts so they're no longer on my mind and having a clear headed day! Cheers!
Friday, January 2, 2015
1/2/15 Move It Move It...Literally.
That title applies in SO many ways right now!
First, that song from Madagascar played in the car yesterday and my little niece & nephew started dancing in their car seats so I definitely laugh when I think of that. Little arms waving and all.
Second, today has been nothing but moving! All. Day. Long. From 6:30am until about 6:30pm when I sat down for dinner. Gym, errands, more errands, organizing the house and cleaning out my closet, laundry....oy.
Third, move it...literally. Out of state. OFFICIALLY. My lease is up mid-May which is absolutely inconvenient because it's about 15 days before my daughter gets out of school. So I asked my landlord to extend the lease until the 3rd week in June. And then guess what? We're outta here. Right now it's looking like we will be heading to the Charlotte vicinity and that will be a transitional move just to get stabilized for awhile. Ultimately we will end up in a more tropical setting but I'm not ready to move quite as far as FL yet. However, Boca eventually is looking like it's going to be the place for us but for the next couple years, NC it is. VERY excited about this change but there's so much work to be done! I'll be down in the area to visit soon and scope things out. A school needs to be found, my official PT test needs to be taken so I can find a job there (I actually may have something lined up already but I don't want to jinx that), housing, packing....it's going to go by VERY fast. My daughter is pretty excited too actually which I'm happy about. She's considering it an adventure which is awesome. :)
Anyhow, so, this is going to be a short post. Bills must be paid and 630 is coming early in the morning. Lots to get done tomorrow as well!
Here's to no negativity today and sweet dreams. Cheers.
First, that song from Madagascar played in the car yesterday and my little niece & nephew started dancing in their car seats so I definitely laugh when I think of that. Little arms waving and all.
Second, today has been nothing but moving! All. Day. Long. From 6:30am until about 6:30pm when I sat down for dinner. Gym, errands, more errands, organizing the house and cleaning out my closet, laundry....oy.
Third, move it...literally. Out of state. OFFICIALLY. My lease is up mid-May which is absolutely inconvenient because it's about 15 days before my daughter gets out of school. So I asked my landlord to extend the lease until the 3rd week in June. And then guess what? We're outta here. Right now it's looking like we will be heading to the Charlotte vicinity and that will be a transitional move just to get stabilized for awhile. Ultimately we will end up in a more tropical setting but I'm not ready to move quite as far as FL yet. However, Boca eventually is looking like it's going to be the place for us but for the next couple years, NC it is. VERY excited about this change but there's so much work to be done! I'll be down in the area to visit soon and scope things out. A school needs to be found, my official PT test needs to be taken so I can find a job there (I actually may have something lined up already but I don't want to jinx that), housing, packing....it's going to go by VERY fast. My daughter is pretty excited too actually which I'm happy about. She's considering it an adventure which is awesome. :)
Anyhow, so, this is going to be a short post. Bills must be paid and 630 is coming early in the morning. Lots to get done tomorrow as well!
Here's to no negativity today and sweet dreams. Cheers.
Thursday, January 1, 2015
1/1/2015 Cont...
"My New Years Resolution this year is simply to remember to write 2015 instead of 2014."
^THAT. It takes me half a year to not write the previous year when dating things! Ha!
So, I'm currently soaking in a eucalyptus sea salt bath (trying not to drop my phone in) and thinking about how relaxing my day has been. It's been a great way to kick off the new year for sure. I slept in a bit, had lunch with my mom & daughter, and then took my daughter down to my cousin's to visit with her and her kids. We loaded the little ones up in the wagon they got for Christmas and took a walk through the woods. Their house is on a nice little piece of property that's pretty quiet and I tell you what, it makes me miss living in the country! Where I live now is back off the main road but it's a townhouse so we have neighbors and traffic and live near an airport. It's definitely not horrible but I'd love to have an acre somewhere that's still close to people so I can at least have a yard!
Anyway, so really the day was just about being refreshed and having good company. Came home and got some things organized for tomorrow and vacuumed but nothing major. Looking forward to curling up with a good book in a bit and getting back into the gym in the morning (leg day! I actually love leg day!).
My ex crossed my mind today briefly but it wasn't stressful or worrisome. Right now I feel like there's been so much positive in my life that its really helping to just be able to think about him and not dwell on the negative. The only thing I wondered today was if he went out to his home state of CA for the New Year like he has every year and if he took his gf with him to meet all his friends. And if he did...well, I suppose it makes me raise an eyebrow but whatever. I really think that since he was able to move on and forget me so fast that it's going to be so beneficial to just wish nothing but clarity for him. Why? Because with clarity comes the realization of everything that you've made other people feel and the need to set it right within your own life so it doesn't happen again. That takes a lot of time to be able to do because that means you have to want to change a brutal pattern of behavior. As for me? I WANT to change my life. I want to change how I've handled situations and relationships and I will do that. But im the only person I can change and other than that, I wish clarity for others.
Anyhow, I got my eucalyptus soak so it's time for a restful sleep. I'm definitely looking forward to what this year is going to present me with. Since the events of November, I truly know I can overcome anything so bring it on 2015. Let's do this and let's get started with a kick ass leg day tomorrow morning!
Cheers.
^THAT. It takes me half a year to not write the previous year when dating things! Ha!
So, I'm currently soaking in a eucalyptus sea salt bath (trying not to drop my phone in) and thinking about how relaxing my day has been. It's been a great way to kick off the new year for sure. I slept in a bit, had lunch with my mom & daughter, and then took my daughter down to my cousin's to visit with her and her kids. We loaded the little ones up in the wagon they got for Christmas and took a walk through the woods. Their house is on a nice little piece of property that's pretty quiet and I tell you what, it makes me miss living in the country! Where I live now is back off the main road but it's a townhouse so we have neighbors and traffic and live near an airport. It's definitely not horrible but I'd love to have an acre somewhere that's still close to people so I can at least have a yard!
Anyway, so really the day was just about being refreshed and having good company. Came home and got some things organized for tomorrow and vacuumed but nothing major. Looking forward to curling up with a good book in a bit and getting back into the gym in the morning (leg day! I actually love leg day!).
My ex crossed my mind today briefly but it wasn't stressful or worrisome. Right now I feel like there's been so much positive in my life that its really helping to just be able to think about him and not dwell on the negative. The only thing I wondered today was if he went out to his home state of CA for the New Year like he has every year and if he took his gf with him to meet all his friends. And if he did...well, I suppose it makes me raise an eyebrow but whatever. I really think that since he was able to move on and forget me so fast that it's going to be so beneficial to just wish nothing but clarity for him. Why? Because with clarity comes the realization of everything that you've made other people feel and the need to set it right within your own life so it doesn't happen again. That takes a lot of time to be able to do because that means you have to want to change a brutal pattern of behavior. As for me? I WANT to change my life. I want to change how I've handled situations and relationships and I will do that. But im the only person I can change and other than that, I wish clarity for others.
Anyhow, I got my eucalyptus soak so it's time for a restful sleep. I'm definitely looking forward to what this year is going to present me with. Since the events of November, I truly know I can overcome anything so bring it on 2015. Let's do this and let's get started with a kick ass leg day tomorrow morning!
Cheers.
No Witty Titles
I've got a million things to do today so this is going to be a pretty quick post. First, I hope that everyone had a really happy & safe New Years Eve! I also hope that no one made resolutions they're not going to stick to or fall off of within 3 months. I've never been a resolution maker and I never will be. I have a bucket list I try to tackle within the year and I have a list of obtainable goals that I know are reachable. A few days ago I made a list of the runs/races that I want to pick from this year and I'm in the process of signing up for a few of those.
Anyhow, so my New Year's Eve was GOOD! I drove up to downtown Alexandria with my cousin (also my absolute best friend in the entire world so I call her my sister) and we walked around the little shops there and had some great Italian food. I felt REALLY good yesterday about the New Year coming in and was exceptionally glad that I was ringing it in with the one person that is ALWAYS there for me no matter what crap I'm going through. It was a phenomenal day.
Our main visit was at Sacred Circle. It's a great little book shop, jewelry store, etc and they generally have info on various tools that can be used for a spiritual journey. Very informative and I love that place. We were there for hours!
My outlook on the New Year is a very positive one. I'm confident that as soon as I can fully let go of my relationship with my ex and the ever dimming cloud concerning the negative aspects of that, I'll be able to find someone that doesn't follow the same pattern that all of my relationships have followed. Someone will be presented to me that is different: that isn't an emotional cheater, that loves and respects me fully for who I am and is proud of that, that loves my daughter and can accept her as their own, etc. There's a whole list but the bottom line is that, my past relationships have all been the same type of man and I need to break that cycle.
As far as the rest of the year and other things, I'm extremely confident that this year is going to be MINE. I feel like moving is going to be one of the most positive things that I've ever done. For now it will be a small out of state move that will most likely be a starting point to get my feet more on the ground and then I honestly can see us in Florida and a more tropical climate. It WILL happen. Baby steps first! I'm feeling really drawn to this path and that's how I know its right. Intuition!
Anyway, so my New Year was healthy, productive, and happy (I even stayed up til 1:30am LOL) and I hope everyone had the same.
Here's to a great start to the year! Cheers.
Anyhow, so my New Year's Eve was GOOD! I drove up to downtown Alexandria with my cousin (also my absolute best friend in the entire world so I call her my sister) and we walked around the little shops there and had some great Italian food. I felt REALLY good yesterday about the New Year coming in and was exceptionally glad that I was ringing it in with the one person that is ALWAYS there for me no matter what crap I'm going through. It was a phenomenal day.
Our main visit was at Sacred Circle. It's a great little book shop, jewelry store, etc and they generally have info on various tools that can be used for a spiritual journey. Very informative and I love that place. We were there for hours!
My outlook on the New Year is a very positive one. I'm confident that as soon as I can fully let go of my relationship with my ex and the ever dimming cloud concerning the negative aspects of that, I'll be able to find someone that doesn't follow the same pattern that all of my relationships have followed. Someone will be presented to me that is different: that isn't an emotional cheater, that loves and respects me fully for who I am and is proud of that, that loves my daughter and can accept her as their own, etc. There's a whole list but the bottom line is that, my past relationships have all been the same type of man and I need to break that cycle.
As far as the rest of the year and other things, I'm extremely confident that this year is going to be MINE. I feel like moving is going to be one of the most positive things that I've ever done. For now it will be a small out of state move that will most likely be a starting point to get my feet more on the ground and then I honestly can see us in Florida and a more tropical climate. It WILL happen. Baby steps first! I'm feeling really drawn to this path and that's how I know its right. Intuition!
Anyway, so my New Year was healthy, productive, and happy (I even stayed up til 1:30am LOL) and I hope everyone had the same.
Here's to a great start to the year! Cheers.
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