7pm on the last day of Thanksgiving break...I'm alive and haven't been massively tortured these last few days. Who knew?! I certainly didn't expect it. I'm not going to go all crazy and say it's been perfect and unemotional and ex-boyfriend-thoughtless but I tell you what, it's been better than I expected and that's all I'm asking for right now.
Today was a lazy day. I sat around, ate, and watched TV. Got some laundry done but that's pretty much the extent of my productiveness. For today, I'm okay with that being since it was the last day of break and tomorrow starts back at the grind of 3 days a week of training, 5 days of cardio, & a slew of errands and appointments all week.
I think today, one of my main thoughts centered on the topic of remembrance. I was wondering how I'll be remembered from this relationship. Eventually memories fade a bit and a person becomes less thought of on a daily basis and I that thought kind of makes me sad. I don't like the idea of someone else being in my place making new memories but I also logically know that someone will eventually take his place and I won't think of him much either. And when I do, it'll just be a passover and I can smile or laugh at a memory. Right now it makes me a bit sad to think that maybe he's already done that with me and I'm just a memory. It is however interesting to think back on my past relationships before this one and realize that I've done just the same. I don't think about those people as much as I used to and they've become part of my past. They've helped me to become the person that I am and things that I thought I'd never get over or move past or forget have faded.
If you ask me honestly, I think that because of how I acted and reacted to things, my ex won't remember me well. I'm probably on his "crazy" list with his ex wife, the girl that he dated when he met me, and a couple others from his past that I remember hearing about. Does that bother me? Eh. To some extent. But only because I know it's not true. "Crazy" is a term that is widely over used to describe someone who's behavior you don't necessarily understand fully or agree with. My actions were used to try to get my ex to see that I was hurting and to try to understand what he was thinking. I also am wary of anyone that calls all their exes "crazy" because there's something that doesn't add up with that. There's a common denominator that isn't being brought to the forefront of those stories. My thought is that we all aren't crazy...something in his actions made us act a certain way that wasn't acceptable to him.
I digress. What's done is done. My day was relaxing, unproductive, and enjoyable. Yes, I thought about my ex. But again, there wasn't a huge wave of emotional hurt that followed those thoughts. They were more based on curiosity and centered around what he has going on and what he's thinking.
Today I miss him for sheer loneliness on my part. Not miss him because of everything else (it was reversed last time). I'd like to be able to find someone and have everything fall into place without any doubt that I'll have to start over again. Eventually. Until then, I'll keep having productive weeks, fun weekends, and unproductive holiday breaks filled with apple pie and Buffy the Vampire Slayer marathons. Cheers.
Things that made me happy today:
1) Sleeping in
2) Sitting around being lazy today
3) Food (specifically my mom's apple pie)
I'm not even going to list anything irritating today because I don't have anything of substance to list.
Sunday, November 30, 2014
Kelly Clarkson - Behind These Hazel Eyes
Kelly gets it ;) I feel ya girl...swapping a blonde for a brunette is just bad business!
Lol! :)
11/30/14 Early Morning Dreaming
9:09am...
I woke up about a half hour ago from a pretty solid sleep. Thank goodness because the night before, I didn't sleep at all from all the coughing I was doing. So, besides a puppy that wanted to take up the entire bed, I slept well (thank you NyQuil and sleep meds). I've found that when my sleep meds start to wear off in the early morning hours, I dream about my ex. I think the past 3 or 4 nights that's happened. It's not upsetting, it's more irritating than anything because I'm mentally wanting to pull myself out of the dream just to have something different on my mind. This morning I had a dream I was looking at his Facebook page and he had changed his relationship status to "in a relationship". Whether he has actually done that, I don't know because I'm making it a very large goal not to be on FB much since I reactivated it. Maybe once or twice a day & not for that purpose. I found that I wasn't upset in the dream either, just irritated because he never would do that for us.
I figured I'd write about it here this morning so it doesn't stick with me all throughout the day.
This morning I'm going to relax a bit, have a cinnamon roll and some eggs for breakfast, and just do what I've got to do. Hopefully relaxing this morning will set a good tone for the entire day and I can update this tonight with no complaints.
So here's to everyone finishing out the weekend with a smile on their face. Cheers.
I woke up about a half hour ago from a pretty solid sleep. Thank goodness because the night before, I didn't sleep at all from all the coughing I was doing. So, besides a puppy that wanted to take up the entire bed, I slept well (thank you NyQuil and sleep meds). I've found that when my sleep meds start to wear off in the early morning hours, I dream about my ex. I think the past 3 or 4 nights that's happened. It's not upsetting, it's more irritating than anything because I'm mentally wanting to pull myself out of the dream just to have something different on my mind. This morning I had a dream I was looking at his Facebook page and he had changed his relationship status to "in a relationship". Whether he has actually done that, I don't know because I'm making it a very large goal not to be on FB much since I reactivated it. Maybe once or twice a day & not for that purpose. I found that I wasn't upset in the dream either, just irritated because he never would do that for us.
I figured I'd write about it here this morning so it doesn't stick with me all throughout the day.
This morning I'm going to relax a bit, have a cinnamon roll and some eggs for breakfast, and just do what I've got to do. Hopefully relaxing this morning will set a good tone for the entire day and I can update this tonight with no complaints.
So here's to everyone finishing out the weekend with a smile on their face. Cheers.
Saturday, November 29, 2014
11/29/14 Deep & Meaningful
(The Title)....That's kind of what I feel like I should be writing tonight but honestly, I don't have a whole lot to say and I haven't really gained any new insight today.
The day has been a good one and I'm hoping that tomorrow will finish out the dreaded holiday weekend as a good one. I definitely wasn't looking forward to Thanksgiving but I'm thankful that it's been a non-stressful and busy weekend. I haven't had a lot of downtime to overthink things and I'm appreciative for that.
Today my mom, daughter, and I went tubing at a local ski resort. I really hate the cold weather but if I'm out being busy in it then I don't mind it as much. Tubing was fun and it was great that my mom got to get out & enjoy herself as well. Seeing everyone on the slopes really made me miss snowboarding so much! My daughter wants to learn how to do that or to ski so I told her I'd keep my board, boots, & bindings for this season & I'd take her for lessons at some point. I could probably use a few myself since I haven't been out for a couple seasons. Anything to keep kids active these days is okay by me.
Per a conversation last night at dinner (and some past yearning to want to do something more intensive than training at the gym) I think I'm going to look into Krav Maga classes. I still need to learn more about it but the fact that it's set up for smaller people is appealing. I'm a big fan of MMA in general so anything of that sort would be a lot of fun for me to get in to. Hopefully that'll be something new on my list of things to do.
Tomorrow is the last day of break and then Monday it's back to the grind. I'm going to get my eating schedule back on track and of course it's back to the gym. Three days a week now with my trainer instead of two so at least Monday isn't a cardio day! I think we may just go bowling for one last fun event before my daughter has to go back to school too.
So today has been a success for sure. I've been busy & my mind hasn't wandered anywhere it really shouldn't have for more than a minute or so at a time. I'm relaxed, tired, and really just ready to crawl into bed and do some reading for the night. Here's to successful days that pass without a second thought. Cheers.
Things that made me happy today:
1) Putting my snow gear on and getting to go tubing. I missed the "swish swish" of my snow pants and if I can't have flip flops & the beach then being on the slopes in some form would probably be next on my list.
2) Warm apple pie with ice-cream and a hot cup of tea
3) How happy my puppies were to see me when I got home
4) Lovely messages on Facebook from a couple of people <3 The outpouring of love & support has truly touched my heart. I couldn't ask for a better support system.
I can't pinpoint anything that even really irritated me today besides my shoulder being bit achy this evening but seriously, that's cake compared to everything else.
One of my favorite quotes:
"For a star to be born, there is one thing that must happen: a gaseous nebula must collapse. So collapse. This is not your destruction, this is your birth". -Noor
The day has been a good one and I'm hoping that tomorrow will finish out the dreaded holiday weekend as a good one. I definitely wasn't looking forward to Thanksgiving but I'm thankful that it's been a non-stressful and busy weekend. I haven't had a lot of downtime to overthink things and I'm appreciative for that.
Today my mom, daughter, and I went tubing at a local ski resort. I really hate the cold weather but if I'm out being busy in it then I don't mind it as much. Tubing was fun and it was great that my mom got to get out & enjoy herself as well. Seeing everyone on the slopes really made me miss snowboarding so much! My daughter wants to learn how to do that or to ski so I told her I'd keep my board, boots, & bindings for this season & I'd take her for lessons at some point. I could probably use a few myself since I haven't been out for a couple seasons. Anything to keep kids active these days is okay by me.
Per a conversation last night at dinner (and some past yearning to want to do something more intensive than training at the gym) I think I'm going to look into Krav Maga classes. I still need to learn more about it but the fact that it's set up for smaller people is appealing. I'm a big fan of MMA in general so anything of that sort would be a lot of fun for me to get in to. Hopefully that'll be something new on my list of things to do.
Tomorrow is the last day of break and then Monday it's back to the grind. I'm going to get my eating schedule back on track and of course it's back to the gym. Three days a week now with my trainer instead of two so at least Monday isn't a cardio day! I think we may just go bowling for one last fun event before my daughter has to go back to school too.
So today has been a success for sure. I've been busy & my mind hasn't wandered anywhere it really shouldn't have for more than a minute or so at a time. I'm relaxed, tired, and really just ready to crawl into bed and do some reading for the night. Here's to successful days that pass without a second thought. Cheers.
Things that made me happy today:
1) Putting my snow gear on and getting to go tubing. I missed the "swish swish" of my snow pants and if I can't have flip flops & the beach then being on the slopes in some form would probably be next on my list.
2) Warm apple pie with ice-cream and a hot cup of tea
3) How happy my puppies were to see me when I got home
4) Lovely messages on Facebook from a couple of people <3 The outpouring of love & support has truly touched my heart. I couldn't ask for a better support system.
I can't pinpoint anything that even really irritated me today besides my shoulder being bit achy this evening but seriously, that's cake compared to everything else.
One of my favorite quotes:
"For a star to be born, there is one thing that must happen: a gaseous nebula must collapse. So collapse. This is not your destruction, this is your birth". -Noor
Friday, November 28, 2014
11/28/14 It's the craziest thing...
...I can feel myself letting go. I feel like that should be blown up in bold, framed, and gilded in gold or something. I actually can feel myself not caring so much anymore.
You know, I saw a text today that my ex sent my mom the day that I spoke with his new "friend" and he texted her and said "Can you tell Johanna to stop texting my friends and trying to cause trouble for me?!" See here's the thing...when you just break up with someone, and if they say they're hurt to the point of physically being sick, and they tell you they miss you A LOT...you don't just ignore them and then suddenly meet someone else a week or so later. I say this because these are the types of comments that I remember when I think of my ex. Or at least, I try to remember them. THAT is what helps me to remember that I'm doing the right thing in letting all of this go. That's what is propelling me forward...the comments like "How can I introduce my girlfriend as just a nail tech. What would that look like?"
I digress, because today was a really good day and I deserve to have A LOT of those. I got to sleep in thanks to my mom who let my daughter have a sleepover at her house last night. I mean truly slept in like I was a teenager again. Unheard of. Then I went over to my moms, ate a great brunch, and later we all met up with my friend and his mom for dinner (and ice cream). It was really fun to be surrounded by people that were just relaxed, included my daughter in the conversation, and who laughed a lot. No stress, no worries. And when the time came for me to drop everyone off at home and have my quiet time in the car on the way home....I WAS OKAY. Did I think about my ex today? Of course. Did I wonder what he was doing today? Yes. Did I wonder if he thought about me? Yeah. But it wasn't the same panicked, sad kind of thinking that I've had. It was kind of a passing thought like "okay. Well...it is what it is".
Right now though, I'm tired. I definitely want to sleep and I'm looking forward to a fun day tomorrow (tubing at the ski resort nearby!). I'd like to attempt snow boarding again this season but we'll see how my shoulder holds up before I go for that. I'm a bit clumsy so I don't need anymore injuries.
I truly am thankful for a great day and wonderful people in my life! I re-activated my Facebook today so we'll also see how that goes and I did it with the disclaimer to myself that if drama or negativity gets to be too much, then I'll take it back down. I also deactivated all the notifications that usually come to my phone so I don't check it all throughout the day. Those are MY terms and I intend on sticking by them because this is MY life and I'm not living it to check up on anyone else or worry about what anyone else is doing. Just me.
So, here's to truly starting to let go. Cheers.
Things that made me happy today:
1) Food. Good food and ice-cream :)
2) Friends that have stood by me for going on 20 years now and even though they've been left hanging in the times that I've had relationships, they're still there no matter what with no judgement.
3) Relaxation and peace of mind. You can't put a price on these and everyone deserves them.
4) Having my cousin text me & tell me we can spend New Year's Eve together at one of our favorite places. Yay for best friends and sister therapy!
5) My borage of friends that had encouraging things to say today on Facebook. They're all insanely supportive and I know I could probably turn to just about any of them if I needed to.
Things that upset me today:
1) Nothing?! I can't even really think of anything that annoyed me today...Somebody print this out & frame it :)
You know, I saw a text today that my ex sent my mom the day that I spoke with his new "friend" and he texted her and said "Can you tell Johanna to stop texting my friends and trying to cause trouble for me?!" See here's the thing...when you just break up with someone, and if they say they're hurt to the point of physically being sick, and they tell you they miss you A LOT...you don't just ignore them and then suddenly meet someone else a week or so later. I say this because these are the types of comments that I remember when I think of my ex. Or at least, I try to remember them. THAT is what helps me to remember that I'm doing the right thing in letting all of this go. That's what is propelling me forward...the comments like "How can I introduce my girlfriend as just a nail tech. What would that look like?"
I digress, because today was a really good day and I deserve to have A LOT of those. I got to sleep in thanks to my mom who let my daughter have a sleepover at her house last night. I mean truly slept in like I was a teenager again. Unheard of. Then I went over to my moms, ate a great brunch, and later we all met up with my friend and his mom for dinner (and ice cream). It was really fun to be surrounded by people that were just relaxed, included my daughter in the conversation, and who laughed a lot. No stress, no worries. And when the time came for me to drop everyone off at home and have my quiet time in the car on the way home....I WAS OKAY. Did I think about my ex today? Of course. Did I wonder what he was doing today? Yes. Did I wonder if he thought about me? Yeah. But it wasn't the same panicked, sad kind of thinking that I've had. It was kind of a passing thought like "okay. Well...it is what it is".
Right now though, I'm tired. I definitely want to sleep and I'm looking forward to a fun day tomorrow (tubing at the ski resort nearby!). I'd like to attempt snow boarding again this season but we'll see how my shoulder holds up before I go for that. I'm a bit clumsy so I don't need anymore injuries.
I truly am thankful for a great day and wonderful people in my life! I re-activated my Facebook today so we'll also see how that goes and I did it with the disclaimer to myself that if drama or negativity gets to be too much, then I'll take it back down. I also deactivated all the notifications that usually come to my phone so I don't check it all throughout the day. Those are MY terms and I intend on sticking by them because this is MY life and I'm not living it to check up on anyone else or worry about what anyone else is doing. Just me.
So, here's to truly starting to let go. Cheers.
Things that made me happy today:
1) Food. Good food and ice-cream :)
2) Friends that have stood by me for going on 20 years now and even though they've been left hanging in the times that I've had relationships, they're still there no matter what with no judgement.
3) Relaxation and peace of mind. You can't put a price on these and everyone deserves them.
4) Having my cousin text me & tell me we can spend New Year's Eve together at one of our favorite places. Yay for best friends and sister therapy!
5) My borage of friends that had encouraging things to say today on Facebook. They're all insanely supportive and I know I could probably turn to just about any of them if I needed to.
Things that upset me today:
1) Nothing?! I can't even really think of anything that annoyed me today...Somebody print this out & frame it :)
Thursday, November 27, 2014
Recognize it, process it, breathe, repeat...
See the title of this? THAT is how I'm dealing with the onslaught of emotions that randomly hits me. If you can't seem to even fathom how I feel, try this. You're just standing around, doing whatever you normally do during the day, and then BAM. You get tackled by a football player out of NOWHERE. You didn't see or hear him coming. What do you do? Well, since the game of life is going on around you and since it's not ACTUALLY a real football game, you take a second to process what just happened. Okay, I got hit. Accept it for what it is no matter where you are when it happens. I've been in the middle of a physical therapy session, in the grocery store, in a parking lot...the list goes on. It is what it is. You're human. You HAVE emotions. Recognize them. Next, figure out WHY you're having the feelings you are having. What triggered them? There may not be a trigger if you're like me sometimes, you might just be feeling the way you're feeling and that's okay too. After that, BREATHE. Breathe, meditate, whatever. Just take a few minutes to yourself because feeling better is about concentrating on YOU. And do it over and over...you'll find that eventually, that wave of emotions that hit is gone and you can go back to whatever you were doing.
For me, I was driving home tonight from Thanksgiving Dinner. I'm not even sure what I was thinking about but all of a sudden a wave of sadness settled in on my heart. I realized just how much I've wanted to text the ex boyfriend ALL day long. It has taken every ounce of restraint in every fiber of my body to not text him. Because what if he doesn't text back? Then I get hit yet again with feeling like crap and that's not fair. (The other part of me says 'oh but what if he DOES text back?' My answer....okay...but what then? It's not going to magically change anything and chances are once you get into a conversation, he will stop talking and you'll STILL be left hanging). I realized that I do miss him. I don't miss him because of the loneliness, that I can deal with. I miss him for all the good things about him that I know of. So, I let myself mourn that loss for the next 15 minutes. I sat and cried through it and let myself be sad. As much as I wanted to just try and push the emotions away, I've come to realize that I can't do that. I need to work through everything and process it and let it be what it's going to be because if I don't...I can't imagine the emotions and issues I'll carry into whatever next relationship I enter in to. Deep breathing for me has been my "go to". Meditation at night with candles has been my "go to". It clears my mind, it brings me positive energy to work with, and it settles my heart. It took awhile to figure out that meditation is easy. There's no right or wrong way to go about it. Whatever works is what you do. Clarity and peace are the end result that you want.
And so, I sit here with a clear enough head to realize that I still miss my ex but everything happened because there's a different path we were meant to take. I'm still at a loss as to why he was brought into my life since I spent so much time and energy on the relationship. But, I also know that the answer may not be clear right now and it may be years down the line before I even begin to see an answer. Maybe we're meant to be but it won't be till later. Who knows? The universe doesn't reveal it's secrets on my watch, that's for sure.
So, here's to breathing. Here's to relaxing. And here's to the dealing with what comes your way. Cheers.
Things that made me happy today:
1) A relaxing day with my daughter, my dogs, & my mom
2) Playing board games at home
3) Listening to my daughter giggle uncontrollably
4) Good food
Upsetting moments today:
1) Wishing I could just talk to my ex again and hear his voice or talk to him by text. Especially on a holiday.
For me, I was driving home tonight from Thanksgiving Dinner. I'm not even sure what I was thinking about but all of a sudden a wave of sadness settled in on my heart. I realized just how much I've wanted to text the ex boyfriend ALL day long. It has taken every ounce of restraint in every fiber of my body to not text him. Because what if he doesn't text back? Then I get hit yet again with feeling like crap and that's not fair. (The other part of me says 'oh but what if he DOES text back?' My answer....okay...but what then? It's not going to magically change anything and chances are once you get into a conversation, he will stop talking and you'll STILL be left hanging). I realized that I do miss him. I don't miss him because of the loneliness, that I can deal with. I miss him for all the good things about him that I know of. So, I let myself mourn that loss for the next 15 minutes. I sat and cried through it and let myself be sad. As much as I wanted to just try and push the emotions away, I've come to realize that I can't do that. I need to work through everything and process it and let it be what it's going to be because if I don't...I can't imagine the emotions and issues I'll carry into whatever next relationship I enter in to. Deep breathing for me has been my "go to". Meditation at night with candles has been my "go to". It clears my mind, it brings me positive energy to work with, and it settles my heart. It took awhile to figure out that meditation is easy. There's no right or wrong way to go about it. Whatever works is what you do. Clarity and peace are the end result that you want.
And so, I sit here with a clear enough head to realize that I still miss my ex but everything happened because there's a different path we were meant to take. I'm still at a loss as to why he was brought into my life since I spent so much time and energy on the relationship. But, I also know that the answer may not be clear right now and it may be years down the line before I even begin to see an answer. Maybe we're meant to be but it won't be till later. Who knows? The universe doesn't reveal it's secrets on my watch, that's for sure.
So, here's to breathing. Here's to relaxing. And here's to the dealing with what comes your way. Cheers.
Things that made me happy today:
1) A relaxing day with my daughter, my dogs, & my mom
2) Playing board games at home
3) Listening to my daughter giggle uncontrollably
4) Good food
Upsetting moments today:
1) Wishing I could just talk to my ex again and hear his voice or talk to him by text. Especially on a holiday.
11/27/14 It's Early Yet
It's Thanksgiving. Woohoo? Idk. Anyway, it's never been my favorite holiday but it won't be a bad one this year. I woke up with the mindset that it might be uneventful but that's what I want this year. Nothing crazy, no drama, no ex boyfriend in my thoughts.
It's still early. It's 8:40am and I'd much rather still be sleeping but only because this cold just won't quit. I have a cough that's settled in my chest and won't go away. I blame the weather. It was 72 degrees Tuesday and snowing on Wednesday.
Unfortunately, I woke up from a dream about the ex and I figured I'd write about it so it's out of my head and I don't dwell on it. It took place a school type setting with dorms, etc (he's away at school but he's on a military base so it's not actually a school setting). I had gone to see him and surprise, discovered he cheated on me. When confronted, a huge fight ensued with him not caring and explaining that he met this girl at a tailgate for a football game. There was a lot of walking away, shrugging it off, bragging that he slept with her, and yelling. Lots of yelling. Eventually it ended with him saying he didn't want me but she had also found out about me & didn't want him either and he was mad at that. Anyhow, I woke up irritated that my brain would make me dream such thing but it is what it is and I can't control that.
Today will be a good day. Spending the morning here w/my daughter and then heading to my moms house for awhile. I was supposed to run a 5K this morning but opted out when I couldn't stop coughing last night. Pretty sure 30 degree weather isn't going to help me get better. Anyone that knows me, knows that I'm really stubborn and like to learn the hard way so actually not doing the race is a huge deal for me. I signed up, I paid for it, I wanted to do it. Alas, some things you just have to give up even if it's what you want. Who knows, maybe it'll be better in the long run for your health. ;)
I'm sure I'll follow up more later. If there's anyone that's a consistent reader and wants to introduce themselves feel free. I'd be happy to "meet" you.
Until later then. Cheers.
It's still early. It's 8:40am and I'd much rather still be sleeping but only because this cold just won't quit. I have a cough that's settled in my chest and won't go away. I blame the weather. It was 72 degrees Tuesday and snowing on Wednesday.
Unfortunately, I woke up from a dream about the ex and I figured I'd write about it so it's out of my head and I don't dwell on it. It took place a school type setting with dorms, etc (he's away at school but he's on a military base so it's not actually a school setting). I had gone to see him and surprise, discovered he cheated on me. When confronted, a huge fight ensued with him not caring and explaining that he met this girl at a tailgate for a football game. There was a lot of walking away, shrugging it off, bragging that he slept with her, and yelling. Lots of yelling. Eventually it ended with him saying he didn't want me but she had also found out about me & didn't want him either and he was mad at that. Anyhow, I woke up irritated that my brain would make me dream such thing but it is what it is and I can't control that.
Today will be a good day. Spending the morning here w/my daughter and then heading to my moms house for awhile. I was supposed to run a 5K this morning but opted out when I couldn't stop coughing last night. Pretty sure 30 degree weather isn't going to help me get better. Anyone that knows me, knows that I'm really stubborn and like to learn the hard way so actually not doing the race is a huge deal for me. I signed up, I paid for it, I wanted to do it. Alas, some things you just have to give up even if it's what you want. Who knows, maybe it'll be better in the long run for your health. ;)
I'm sure I'll follow up more later. If there's anyone that's a consistent reader and wants to introduce themselves feel free. I'd be happy to "meet" you.
Until later then. Cheers.
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
11/26/14 So Far So Good....Where's my damn Key?! & And update.
So, I've generally been thinking about what I wanted to write about this evening. Nothing's gone wrong today (so far), nothing's been upsetting today, the day has been pretty productive...
My daughter was off of school today for the holiday and I woke up to rain on the roof. About a half hour later it turned to snow and we got around 1". I'm not a fan of snow. Or cold. Of course, being 8 years old the first thing my daughter wanted to do was go outside and play in it but it turned back to rain which is what came down for the majority of the rest of the day. I'm pretty certain there will be a heck of a winter left for us to play in so we skipped out on this one in leu of hot chocolate, movies, card games, and an at home Deck of Cards workout.
It's been a pretty uneventful day but it was nice to stay home (not counting the dentist appt I had to go to and picking up my race info for the 5K I'm doing in the morning). The downfall of down time is that you have some time to think but really the only 2 things that crossed my mind today of significance that bothered me were "I wonder what the ex bf is doing for Thanksgiving" and "WHERE IS MY F**KING HOUSE KEY?!" The latter of the thoughts led to a rant that included me chewing him out for being such a pain in the ass about this, yelling about how I refuse to get penalized by my landlord for not turning in an original key, and telling him I'd gladly text or call his brother, new "friend, or anybody else I knew that could get in touch with him about it. Will it come to that? Sure hope not. NOBODY is too busy with excuses to put a key in an envelope and drop it in the mailbox. Lazy? Yes. Being a dick? Yes. Busy? Yes but NOT too busy to take 5 seconds for that.
Anyway, so other than that...uneventful but relaxing day. I'm really hoping that tomorrow and the rest of the holiday break is the same before I get back to the grind on Monday morning.
Here's to a happy and relaxing and generally boring Thanksgiving! Cheers!
Things that made me happy today:
1) Playing cards and watching movies w/my daughter
2) Getting a solid workout in here at home
3) Selling one of my favorite watches (bittersweet bc it was the first timepiece I ever bought myself but I need the money)
Things irritating today:
1) Having to go to a dentist appt (I hate the dentist)
2) Internal dialogue about my house key
3) Looking at the pile of laundry that needs folding
*HA* Update (10 min later or whatever it is)....my house key came in the mail. NOW, It's been an overall good day. :)
My daughter was off of school today for the holiday and I woke up to rain on the roof. About a half hour later it turned to snow and we got around 1". I'm not a fan of snow. Or cold. Of course, being 8 years old the first thing my daughter wanted to do was go outside and play in it but it turned back to rain which is what came down for the majority of the rest of the day. I'm pretty certain there will be a heck of a winter left for us to play in so we skipped out on this one in leu of hot chocolate, movies, card games, and an at home Deck of Cards workout.
It's been a pretty uneventful day but it was nice to stay home (not counting the dentist appt I had to go to and picking up my race info for the 5K I'm doing in the morning). The downfall of down time is that you have some time to think but really the only 2 things that crossed my mind today of significance that bothered me were "I wonder what the ex bf is doing for Thanksgiving" and "WHERE IS MY F**KING HOUSE KEY?!" The latter of the thoughts led to a rant that included me chewing him out for being such a pain in the ass about this, yelling about how I refuse to get penalized by my landlord for not turning in an original key, and telling him I'd gladly text or call his brother, new "friend, or anybody else I knew that could get in touch with him about it. Will it come to that? Sure hope not. NOBODY is too busy with excuses to put a key in an envelope and drop it in the mailbox. Lazy? Yes. Being a dick? Yes. Busy? Yes but NOT too busy to take 5 seconds for that.
Anyway, so other than that...uneventful but relaxing day. I'm really hoping that tomorrow and the rest of the holiday break is the same before I get back to the grind on Monday morning.
Here's to a happy and relaxing and generally boring Thanksgiving! Cheers!
Things that made me happy today:
1) Playing cards and watching movies w/my daughter
2) Getting a solid workout in here at home
3) Selling one of my favorite watches (bittersweet bc it was the first timepiece I ever bought myself but I need the money)
Things irritating today:
1) Having to go to a dentist appt (I hate the dentist)
2) Internal dialogue about my house key
3) Looking at the pile of laundry that needs folding
*HA* Update (10 min later or whatever it is)....my house key came in the mail. NOW, It's been an overall good day. :)
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
Pachelbel Meets U2 - Jon Schmidt
Canon in D is my all time favorite classical song for relaxation. Found this rendition on Pandora the other day and had to bookmark it so I figured I'd share it too. It's incredible and I love how it mixes it up toward the end but is still classic. Beautiful!
11/25/14 Arms Length & Mixed Messages
Ohhh where to begin with this. I cried (briefly) for us today. I was hit with the painfully honest truth that pretty much our entire relationship was me believing things would change and you holding me at arms length and not letting me in. I honestly believe that we could have been something great. We could have that future we talked about so many times that both of us wanted. We both had the same goals - a family. A daughter. A house. We had SO many conversations and the week that we met up after I left, you said "I thought we were trying to build a future together!" How can you be literally sick over me leaving and say something like that and then...nothing. How can you email me and say "I thought you were my rock. I guess I'm going to have to start over...again...and figure this out on my own" after you told me you weren't in love with me? Put yourself in my shoes...
What would you have done if I never introduced you to my family?
What would you have done if I never invited you home for anything?
What would your conclusion be if I never posted ANYTHING about us or where we traveled to or things we did to my friends?
How would you have reacted if I was the one who talked to some random girl from a Craigslist personals ad?
How would you have reacted if you found intimate Facebook messages from me to my "friends" and heard voicemails from my moms nurse on my phone talking bout how they were so excited to see me and "thanks for calling 5 times today to check on me"?
What conclusions was I supposed to make after months of barely any PDA and intimacy and rarely any "I miss you's" or asking about how MY day was?
And yet...when we were together and went out and did something fun, things were SO GOOD.
Why is that? Why the mixed messages? I had so many people tell me to watch for the red flags - pay attention to the red flags, that you were holding me at arms length and not letting me in. And I knew it was the truth. But the truth hurts so I continued to aggressively push everything back that I should have paid attention to. Everything that would have saved me all this mess I'm going through now, I pushed away.
Truthfully, I have NEVER loved anyone as much as I love you. That hasn't changed. I can be enraged and frustrated and upset...but I still love you. I know eventually that will fade. Eventually I'll move on with my life and find someone that loves me for everything that I am and everything that I'm not. They'll accept me and all of my 'crazy' flaws. Maybe the 'friend' that you're with now is your someone special that makes your heart beat and gives you excited butterflies like you did for me. I don't know what my thoughts are on that. But I'm going to try not to think about it too much. My goal is to make the constant noise in my head stop. This is the noise that is ALWAYS, no matter what I'm doing, reminding me of you or wondering what you're doing, or what you're thinking about. I can be insanely busy and focused on something else but there's still that little part in the back of my brain that is always thinking about you. Once that goes away, I know I'll be able to move on easily. I'm ready for that.
I suppose that life is what you make it so I'm trying to make a new normal. A new normal life that makes both me and my daughter happy to wake up everyday (she doesn't have that problem) and happy to be alive. One day at a time I suppose. Last week wasn't that bad and so far, I'm hoping this week will be the same. Here's to finding the life that we always wanted together but, separate. Cheers.
Happy things today:
1) Catching up on a few shows
2) relaxing & trying to get rid of this cold once & for all
3) The gorgeous weather
4) Making potential plans for travel w/my cousin in February
5) A positive 'head doctor' second appointment - lots of realizations but sometimes the truth is what we need to hear even if it hurts
Irritating stuff today:
1) This stupid cold! I lost my voice pretty much completely and have been barely understandable all day
2) Crowds at the grocery store
What would you have done if I never introduced you to my family?
What would you have done if I never invited you home for anything?
What would your conclusion be if I never posted ANYTHING about us or where we traveled to or things we did to my friends?
How would you have reacted if I was the one who talked to some random girl from a Craigslist personals ad?
How would you have reacted if you found intimate Facebook messages from me to my "friends" and heard voicemails from my moms nurse on my phone talking bout how they were so excited to see me and "thanks for calling 5 times today to check on me"?
What conclusions was I supposed to make after months of barely any PDA and intimacy and rarely any "I miss you's" or asking about how MY day was?
And yet...when we were together and went out and did something fun, things were SO GOOD.
Why is that? Why the mixed messages? I had so many people tell me to watch for the red flags - pay attention to the red flags, that you were holding me at arms length and not letting me in. And I knew it was the truth. But the truth hurts so I continued to aggressively push everything back that I should have paid attention to. Everything that would have saved me all this mess I'm going through now, I pushed away.
Truthfully, I have NEVER loved anyone as much as I love you. That hasn't changed. I can be enraged and frustrated and upset...but I still love you. I know eventually that will fade. Eventually I'll move on with my life and find someone that loves me for everything that I am and everything that I'm not. They'll accept me and all of my 'crazy' flaws. Maybe the 'friend' that you're with now is your someone special that makes your heart beat and gives you excited butterflies like you did for me. I don't know what my thoughts are on that. But I'm going to try not to think about it too much. My goal is to make the constant noise in my head stop. This is the noise that is ALWAYS, no matter what I'm doing, reminding me of you or wondering what you're doing, or what you're thinking about. I can be insanely busy and focused on something else but there's still that little part in the back of my brain that is always thinking about you. Once that goes away, I know I'll be able to move on easily. I'm ready for that.
I suppose that life is what you make it so I'm trying to make a new normal. A new normal life that makes both me and my daughter happy to wake up everyday (she doesn't have that problem) and happy to be alive. One day at a time I suppose. Last week wasn't that bad and so far, I'm hoping this week will be the same. Here's to finding the life that we always wanted together but, separate. Cheers.
Happy things today:
1) Catching up on a few shows
2) relaxing & trying to get rid of this cold once & for all
3) The gorgeous weather
4) Making potential plans for travel w/my cousin in February
5) A positive 'head doctor' second appointment - lots of realizations but sometimes the truth is what we need to hear even if it hurts
Irritating stuff today:
1) This stupid cold! I lost my voice pretty much completely and have been barely understandable all day
2) Crowds at the grocery store
Monday, November 24, 2014
11/24/14 Relaxation & The Breaks in Life
^^Title was aptly named because that's what I'm listening to on Pandora Radio. It's a relaxation stations with all different versions of musical songs. This one is Where is the Love by Josh Vietti (originally done by Black Eyed Peas ages ago). Good station - you should check it out.
Today has been spent at home doing just that....RELAXING. My sore throat has yet to clear out so today I've just been trying to stay put and get things done around the house - productivity is hard when you're not feeling well and just want to catch up on sleep but alas, the 4th load of laundry is in the washer, the house is pretty organized, and some studying has been done. It's been a fairly quiet day (literally & figuratively) which I'm thankful for. No upsets, no tears, no worries.
There have however been a few fleeting thoughts having to do with....HIM.
The first: I wonder what he's doing for Thanksgiving this year?
2) Wonder if he will do Christmas shopping last minute?
3) Is he going back to California for Christmas? New Year's? Wonder if he's spending it with anyone...
This stems from the fact that in Dec of 2012 (I met him in July 2012) he always said he wasn't seeing anyone and then when he went home to California for Christmas he also visited the girl's family that he was seeing but never said anything about it (I found out from her). I strongly believe that males and females have different ideas of dating or seeing someone & theirs doesn't seem to include sleeping with someone.
4) I wonder if I'll ever hear from him again and if she's replaced me in the things we used to do or if she will get to meet his family & friends when I didn't.
Anyway, fleeting thoughts. I suppose that the weather today is a beautiful sign that there will be breaks in your life from gloominess that remind you that the sun is still shining. It's important to harness those small moments and little breaks and use their energy for when the gloominess sets in.
Here's to gorgeous 72 degree random weather (unfortunately it's supposed to snow in 2 days), the little happy moments in life, and trying to bring yourself back out on top. Cheers.
Things that made me happy today:
1) Staying home!
2) Snuggling w/the puppies all day
3) The SUNSHINE
4) Getting laundry caught up
5) Catching up on some of my shows
Things that were annoying today:
1) Missing my training session & going to the gym today bc of this cold
2) Having HIM on the brain & wondering about HER at the same time.
Today has been spent at home doing just that....RELAXING. My sore throat has yet to clear out so today I've just been trying to stay put and get things done around the house - productivity is hard when you're not feeling well and just want to catch up on sleep but alas, the 4th load of laundry is in the washer, the house is pretty organized, and some studying has been done. It's been a fairly quiet day (literally & figuratively) which I'm thankful for. No upsets, no tears, no worries.
There have however been a few fleeting thoughts having to do with....HIM.
The first: I wonder what he's doing for Thanksgiving this year?
2) Wonder if he will do Christmas shopping last minute?
3) Is he going back to California for Christmas? New Year's? Wonder if he's spending it with anyone...
This stems from the fact that in Dec of 2012 (I met him in July 2012) he always said he wasn't seeing anyone and then when he went home to California for Christmas he also visited the girl's family that he was seeing but never said anything about it (I found out from her). I strongly believe that males and females have different ideas of dating or seeing someone & theirs doesn't seem to include sleeping with someone.
4) I wonder if I'll ever hear from him again and if she's replaced me in the things we used to do or if she will get to meet his family & friends when I didn't.
Anyway, fleeting thoughts. I suppose that the weather today is a beautiful sign that there will be breaks in your life from gloominess that remind you that the sun is still shining. It's important to harness those small moments and little breaks and use their energy for when the gloominess sets in.
Here's to gorgeous 72 degree random weather (unfortunately it's supposed to snow in 2 days), the little happy moments in life, and trying to bring yourself back out on top. Cheers.
Things that made me happy today:
1) Staying home!
2) Snuggling w/the puppies all day
3) The SUNSHINE
4) Getting laundry caught up
5) Catching up on some of my shows
Things that were annoying today:
1) Missing my training session & going to the gym today bc of this cold
2) Having HIM on the brain & wondering about HER at the same time.
Sunday, November 23, 2014
11/23/14 The Hunger Games in Life
It's still pretty early. Not quite 5pm yet. I went and saw the new Hunger Games movie today with my cousin & some of her friends. Let me tell you, it's GREAT. I loved the books and I've really enjoyed all of the movies. I think that pretty much all the characters have been portrayed extremely well and the actors that were chosen, spot on.
The movie got me thinking, everyday we all fight some kind of fight within us. Maybe we are trying to stand up and start a revolution for ourselves so that we can have some kind of new, fresh start and don't have to keep living with the same thing over and over. Maybe that fight includes others in our lives and maybe it doesn't. For me, I'm trying to start new and get back to a place where I'm fine with being by myself. 2 years ago, I was there. I'd been engaged, I'd had a rebound relationship, and then for 7 months after that, I was happy being by myself and going about my daily life. I'd like to think that the relationship I just got out of and the way my ex is currently acting toward me can be the fire for the revolution of a new me. That I will come out stronger and happier in the end and be able to be thankful for him being in my life. Right now, I still have a lot of anger toward him for ignoring me the way that he has. It's sad per se because I know that if he texted me right now and needed me, I'd answer instead of just ignore him. I greatly believe in nature that there's a balance to things and if you hurt someone purposefully or try to impose your will on them, it will come back on you. I suppose that karma works in both directions and both of us will reap some kind of negative outcome for the way that we have handled certain things in this break up. But, in the end, I look forward to learning lessons and being a stronger person. I'm not sure that I'll ever know WHY I have to go through all of this or WHY my ex was in my life because him not being there leaves a bigger hole than I want to accept. But again, in the end, lessons will be learned.
Today, was an overall good day. Still didn't get much rest from this stuffy nose last night but being able to have lunch with my best friend and spend some time with her makes up for all that. Plus, I saw some really good movie previews that I'm looking forward to! Pitch Perfect 2 namely. I love Anna Kendrick and I've seen the first movie a ton of times. Also saw the movie board for 50 Shades of Grey so....YES. :) The only part of that I'm not looking forward to is the fact that it comes out on Valentine's Day and the day after would have been our official 2 year anniversary. So, I'm hoping to keep extra busy that day and make it a girls day!!!
So, cleaning up the house & laundry are calling my name unfortunately but I'll leave you with this quote from the new HG Movie that stuck with me. Finnick & Katniss are talking about surviving with nightmares and not finding any kind of relief when they wake up because the ones they love are still out there:
"BETTER NOT GIVE IN TO IT. IT TAKES TEN TIMES AS LONG TO PUT YOURSELF TOGETHER AS IT DOES TO FALL APART".
Things that made me happy today:
1) Being able to get up and moving without any real kind of sadness dragging me back down
2) Seeing my cousin, eating a great lunch, & watching a movie
3) Playing tennis with my daughter in the yard
4) Wearing a gorgeous outfit that I wanted to wear today & not having to worry about a voice saying "What are you WEARING?!" "What did you do to your hair?!"
Things irritating me today:
1) The fact that I keep wondering what my ex is doing. It's football day & his team is playing so I keep wondering if he's with HER watching the game or something. BOOOOOO.
The movie got me thinking, everyday we all fight some kind of fight within us. Maybe we are trying to stand up and start a revolution for ourselves so that we can have some kind of new, fresh start and don't have to keep living with the same thing over and over. Maybe that fight includes others in our lives and maybe it doesn't. For me, I'm trying to start new and get back to a place where I'm fine with being by myself. 2 years ago, I was there. I'd been engaged, I'd had a rebound relationship, and then for 7 months after that, I was happy being by myself and going about my daily life. I'd like to think that the relationship I just got out of and the way my ex is currently acting toward me can be the fire for the revolution of a new me. That I will come out stronger and happier in the end and be able to be thankful for him being in my life. Right now, I still have a lot of anger toward him for ignoring me the way that he has. It's sad per se because I know that if he texted me right now and needed me, I'd answer instead of just ignore him. I greatly believe in nature that there's a balance to things and if you hurt someone purposefully or try to impose your will on them, it will come back on you. I suppose that karma works in both directions and both of us will reap some kind of negative outcome for the way that we have handled certain things in this break up. But, in the end, I look forward to learning lessons and being a stronger person. I'm not sure that I'll ever know WHY I have to go through all of this or WHY my ex was in my life because him not being there leaves a bigger hole than I want to accept. But again, in the end, lessons will be learned.
Today, was an overall good day. Still didn't get much rest from this stuffy nose last night but being able to have lunch with my best friend and spend some time with her makes up for all that. Plus, I saw some really good movie previews that I'm looking forward to! Pitch Perfect 2 namely. I love Anna Kendrick and I've seen the first movie a ton of times. Also saw the movie board for 50 Shades of Grey so....YES. :) The only part of that I'm not looking forward to is the fact that it comes out on Valentine's Day and the day after would have been our official 2 year anniversary. So, I'm hoping to keep extra busy that day and make it a girls day!!!
So, cleaning up the house & laundry are calling my name unfortunately but I'll leave you with this quote from the new HG Movie that stuck with me. Finnick & Katniss are talking about surviving with nightmares and not finding any kind of relief when they wake up because the ones they love are still out there:
"BETTER NOT GIVE IN TO IT. IT TAKES TEN TIMES AS LONG TO PUT YOURSELF TOGETHER AS IT DOES TO FALL APART".
Things that made me happy today:
1) Being able to get up and moving without any real kind of sadness dragging me back down
2) Seeing my cousin, eating a great lunch, & watching a movie
3) Playing tennis with my daughter in the yard
4) Wearing a gorgeous outfit that I wanted to wear today & not having to worry about a voice saying "What are you WEARING?!" "What did you do to your hair?!"
Things irritating me today:
1) The fact that I keep wondering what my ex is doing. It's football day & his team is playing so I keep wondering if he's with HER watching the game or something. BOOOOOO.
Saturday, November 22, 2014
11/22/14 Keeping it Short
There's not much I want to say tonight. I'm more interested in having a bath and curling up with my laptop to catch up on my shows that I've missed the past couple episodes of. I mean, Revenge, TVD, & Originals are just burning with story lines this season...hot guys too but that's a text conversation not a blog one :)
Anyway, so a couple of quotes caught my attention today on Instagram (eco2369 if you want to follow...I mostly post pics of food & my dogs lol). The first is by R.M. Drake and states:
"She was never crazy. She just didn't let her heart settle in a cage. She was born wild, and sometimes we need people like her. For it's the horrors in her heart which cause the flames in ours. And she was always willing to burn for everything she has ever loved".
The second is a Mexican Proverb: "They tried to bury us. They didn't know we were seeds".
The first one strikes me because the last part of it stands incredibly true for me. I don't always know where I'm going or what I want out of life. A good portion of the time I've searched for things that I love doing because unless I truly love it passionately, I won't stick with it and I won't do it. However, when I LOVE something, I don't let it pass by me. I do whatever it is to get it. I mentioned before: I love hard and I love fast. This goes for people and it goes for things I do. The downfall of that? I love so strongly sometimes it smothers people. However, I'd rather be that way than be closed off and scared to love.
The second quote stands out to me because in my mind, I replaced the "Life". Life tried to bury me. It didn't know I was a seed. To that, I say....BRING IT and let's do this. I WILL come out on top. No exceptions. It might be a long road to healing but I WILL get there. And I will be a stronger person because of it. On top of that, I will never again give up so much of myself that I have trouble getting myself back. I'm important and I need to put myself first too.
So...on that note...my bath calls. Here's to a pretty uneventful but generally relaxing day at home with my munchkin & my pups. Cheers.
Things that made me happy today:
1) Staying home ALL day and playing board games and watching movies with my daughter
2) A bit warmer and not as windy weather (still cold but a bit bearable today)
3) Making homemade wonton soup that came out DELICIOUS
4) Hearing the song "Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)" on Pandora Radio. It always makes me laugh because it reminds me of the movie "Man of the House" with Jonathan Taylor Thomas in it from when I was a kid. My cousin and I watched that movie so many times we wore out the VHS and that song was in it.
Things that irritated me today:
1) I didn't sleep well because of a stuffy nose and sore throat so I woke up irritated. Also had a dream about the ex so I woke up EXTRA irritated from that and more so because of him being a d*** and not answering my text yesterday. Just irritated...not upset. I rolled my eyes a lot today at that thought and then got on with whatever I was doing.
Anyway, so a couple of quotes caught my attention today on Instagram (eco2369 if you want to follow...I mostly post pics of food & my dogs lol). The first is by R.M. Drake and states:
"She was never crazy. She just didn't let her heart settle in a cage. She was born wild, and sometimes we need people like her. For it's the horrors in her heart which cause the flames in ours. And she was always willing to burn for everything she has ever loved".
The second is a Mexican Proverb: "They tried to bury us. They didn't know we were seeds".
The first one strikes me because the last part of it stands incredibly true for me. I don't always know where I'm going or what I want out of life. A good portion of the time I've searched for things that I love doing because unless I truly love it passionately, I won't stick with it and I won't do it. However, when I LOVE something, I don't let it pass by me. I do whatever it is to get it. I mentioned before: I love hard and I love fast. This goes for people and it goes for things I do. The downfall of that? I love so strongly sometimes it smothers people. However, I'd rather be that way than be closed off and scared to love.
The second quote stands out to me because in my mind, I replaced the "Life". Life tried to bury me. It didn't know I was a seed. To that, I say....BRING IT and let's do this. I WILL come out on top. No exceptions. It might be a long road to healing but I WILL get there. And I will be a stronger person because of it. On top of that, I will never again give up so much of myself that I have trouble getting myself back. I'm important and I need to put myself first too.
So...on that note...my bath calls. Here's to a pretty uneventful but generally relaxing day at home with my munchkin & my pups. Cheers.
Things that made me happy today:
1) Staying home ALL day and playing board games and watching movies with my daughter
2) A bit warmer and not as windy weather (still cold but a bit bearable today)
3) Making homemade wonton soup that came out DELICIOUS
4) Hearing the song "Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)" on Pandora Radio. It always makes me laugh because it reminds me of the movie "Man of the House" with Jonathan Taylor Thomas in it from when I was a kid. My cousin and I watched that movie so many times we wore out the VHS and that song was in it.
Things that irritated me today:
1) I didn't sleep well because of a stuffy nose and sore throat so I woke up irritated. Also had a dream about the ex so I woke up EXTRA irritated from that and more so because of him being a d*** and not answering my text yesterday. Just irritated...not upset. I rolled my eyes a lot today at that thought and then got on with whatever I was doing.
Friday, November 21, 2014
11/21/14 Who ARE You?!
Let's start this off by really just saying that today hasn't been horrible AT ALL. Not even bad! So...WOOHOO for that. The worst part of today has been dealing with an oncoming sore throat but you know, things could be a lot worse. So bring it on.
I ran this morning, had physical therapy, ran some errands...normal day for me.
I'm briefly, as in, in 1 sentence going to touch on the only thing that really threw me off guard today and that's the fact that as I pulled into the parking lot for PT, I looked over at the car next to me and there was a guy in the seat in his Army uniform. I'm SO used to seeing it on my ex that it just kind of took me off guard. Didn't upset me...just one of those things where you stop for a second and go "whoa". Okay...moving on.
I want to write about KNOWING someone this evening. But I'm going to begin what I want to say, with a very brief story because it precedes what happened to me today. About a year ago, the ex was away on a business trip. The afternoon of the day he left, I went to his house to check his mail and I found his garage door open and his house broken in to. A few things were stolen and the police took normal info, etc. We never heard back about anything. Today, I received a phone call from the police department and the officer who we had met a year ago, asked if I had my ex's information. I told him he had relocated and gave him necessary information to contact my ex. Apparently a couple things that had been stolen had been recently recovered and the case was re-opened because there is now a suspect. SO, I thought about the situation for a moment and proceeded to text the ex because the officer would be calling him and the call needed to be accepted. The text went something like this "Hello, just FYI, the sherrif's department called and they found a suspect from when your house was robbed. The officer wanted your information so please expect a phone call from this area code".
I wasn't rude. I wasn't out of the way. I stated the purpose for the text, NOTHING ELSE. Fast forward, a couple hours later and NO RESPONSE. Really, I shouldn't be surprised. I shouldn't even be mildly irritated. But I am. Irritated I mean. Here's the thing. You are 37 years old. THIRTY-SEVEN. And you're acting like a 5 year old. This is a situation that I'd really like to think would warrant some kind of civil behavior that an adult would have. Perhaps the text didn't go through, I thought? Okay...let's see..."I'm not trying to start a dialogue but I'd like to know that you received my previous text on the grounds that I know it's an important issue. Yes, someone knows I'm texting you so I'm not trying to argue or cause drama because I'm finally starting to heal physically and emotionally. Thank you". And...cue, no answer. Okay. It's cool, I'm letting it go right after I roll my eyes so hard they may get stuck in the back of my head. So, here's the conclusion I come to when you play games like this. 1) You're childish. 2) You're selfish (yes, SELFISH. More than one person has said it even prior to all this crap). 3) You're just an ass.
I don't even mean that jokingly. I mean an actual jerk with absolutely no ounce of respect in his body for anyone else. Ignoring someone is so disrespectful that I can't even express how ignorant it is. But okay. You know what....I TRIED (sound familiar?).
My point in all of this is that you never really KNOW someone. We think we know...we think we can spend years with a person and learn their secrets and their deepest skeletons...they can easily prove that they have hidden things about themselves that will even blow us away. The girl my ex was dating when he met me nailed it when she said "Watch out for him. He's married to his career, will never commit, and is selfish". Sweetheart, wherever you are, I should have listened and you owe me a big "I told you so" while I take you out for a drink. Cheers.
Things that made me happy today:
1) Waking up refreshed and ready to attack the day!
2) Talking to friends most of the day via text
3) A super delicious lunch
4) Learning that I can easily make wonton soup. LOL I've been wanting to try for ages
5) Being able to talk to my physical therapist about my head doctor appointment earlier this week and generally be happy about how it went
6) Puppy snuggles
7) Signing up for the 5K on Thanksgiving
Things that were irritating today:
1) Being taken off guard by the guy in the Army uniform in the car next to me
2) Not getting a return text from the ex
3) My sore throat
4) The COLD. It's so windy and just bone chilling freezing. I hate cold weather!
My horoscope was spot on for the day:
"A dramatic change in your life may not make a whole lot of sense to you. You may wonder how you got here. You may think that you can't endure the fact that a certain chapter has closed. Not only are you casting negative energy toward this change, you aren't giving it a chance to show you how wonderful it could be. Don't resist a change you can't undo. Don't look at it as a negative change. You are in a period of transition and it can be wonderfully transformational if you allow it be".
^^ Roger that! I'm ready for a change and I see things like this: The universe has in store for us what will be, whether we like it or not. Whether or not I broke up with my ex, he would have met the "friend" he's with now. So it's probably better that he met her when we were apart because otherwise, I can see a whole unopened can of drama if we were together & he met her. Time to move up and on but I honestly hope that she sees who he is before she gets hurt too because he still isn't over the hurt his ex wife caused him & this girl is possibly a rebound like I was.
I ran this morning, had physical therapy, ran some errands...normal day for me.
I'm briefly, as in, in 1 sentence going to touch on the only thing that really threw me off guard today and that's the fact that as I pulled into the parking lot for PT, I looked over at the car next to me and there was a guy in the seat in his Army uniform. I'm SO used to seeing it on my ex that it just kind of took me off guard. Didn't upset me...just one of those things where you stop for a second and go "whoa". Okay...moving on.
I want to write about KNOWING someone this evening. But I'm going to begin what I want to say, with a very brief story because it precedes what happened to me today. About a year ago, the ex was away on a business trip. The afternoon of the day he left, I went to his house to check his mail and I found his garage door open and his house broken in to. A few things were stolen and the police took normal info, etc. We never heard back about anything. Today, I received a phone call from the police department and the officer who we had met a year ago, asked if I had my ex's information. I told him he had relocated and gave him necessary information to contact my ex. Apparently a couple things that had been stolen had been recently recovered and the case was re-opened because there is now a suspect. SO, I thought about the situation for a moment and proceeded to text the ex because the officer would be calling him and the call needed to be accepted. The text went something like this "Hello, just FYI, the sherrif's department called and they found a suspect from when your house was robbed. The officer wanted your information so please expect a phone call from this area code".
I wasn't rude. I wasn't out of the way. I stated the purpose for the text, NOTHING ELSE. Fast forward, a couple hours later and NO RESPONSE. Really, I shouldn't be surprised. I shouldn't even be mildly irritated. But I am. Irritated I mean. Here's the thing. You are 37 years old. THIRTY-SEVEN. And you're acting like a 5 year old. This is a situation that I'd really like to think would warrant some kind of civil behavior that an adult would have. Perhaps the text didn't go through, I thought? Okay...let's see..."I'm not trying to start a dialogue but I'd like to know that you received my previous text on the grounds that I know it's an important issue. Yes, someone knows I'm texting you so I'm not trying to argue or cause drama because I'm finally starting to heal physically and emotionally. Thank you". And...cue, no answer. Okay. It's cool, I'm letting it go right after I roll my eyes so hard they may get stuck in the back of my head. So, here's the conclusion I come to when you play games like this. 1) You're childish. 2) You're selfish (yes, SELFISH. More than one person has said it even prior to all this crap). 3) You're just an ass.
I don't even mean that jokingly. I mean an actual jerk with absolutely no ounce of respect in his body for anyone else. Ignoring someone is so disrespectful that I can't even express how ignorant it is. But okay. You know what....I TRIED (sound familiar?).
My point in all of this is that you never really KNOW someone. We think we know...we think we can spend years with a person and learn their secrets and their deepest skeletons...they can easily prove that they have hidden things about themselves that will even blow us away. The girl my ex was dating when he met me nailed it when she said "Watch out for him. He's married to his career, will never commit, and is selfish". Sweetheart, wherever you are, I should have listened and you owe me a big "I told you so" while I take you out for a drink. Cheers.
Things that made me happy today:
1) Waking up refreshed and ready to attack the day!
2) Talking to friends most of the day via text
3) A super delicious lunch
4) Learning that I can easily make wonton soup. LOL I've been wanting to try for ages
5) Being able to talk to my physical therapist about my head doctor appointment earlier this week and generally be happy about how it went
6) Puppy snuggles
7) Signing up for the 5K on Thanksgiving
Things that were irritating today:
1) Being taken off guard by the guy in the Army uniform in the car next to me
2) Not getting a return text from the ex
3) My sore throat
4) The COLD. It's so windy and just bone chilling freezing. I hate cold weather!
My horoscope was spot on for the day:
"A dramatic change in your life may not make a whole lot of sense to you. You may wonder how you got here. You may think that you can't endure the fact that a certain chapter has closed. Not only are you casting negative energy toward this change, you aren't giving it a chance to show you how wonderful it could be. Don't resist a change you can't undo. Don't look at it as a negative change. You are in a period of transition and it can be wonderfully transformational if you allow it be".
^^ Roger that! I'm ready for a change and I see things like this: The universe has in store for us what will be, whether we like it or not. Whether or not I broke up with my ex, he would have met the "friend" he's with now. So it's probably better that he met her when we were apart because otherwise, I can see a whole unopened can of drama if we were together & he met her. Time to move up and on but I honestly hope that she sees who he is before she gets hurt too because he still isn't over the hurt his ex wife caused him & this girl is possibly a rebound like I was.
Thursday, November 20, 2014
11/20/14 Projection sucks. And I miss you.
Ugh. Have you ever not had a word for how you feel and "ugh" is the only thing you can come up with that seems to work? Yeah. THAT.
I swear at times my brain is going to be the death of me. I've been told countless time that I think too much. I read too much into things. I worry too much. See, here's the thing. I think in any relationship, you tend to project the future. Or certain parts of it. When I got together with my ex, I'd ask him if we were "dating" or if we were "a couple". He NEVER wanted to "put a title on it". I know now that in the beginning, it was because he was seeing someone else & didn't want to specifically have to let her go because he had a "girlfriend". However, when you're IN a DEFINED relationship I don't think all projection is bad. I think you need to project some and not just "have fun". If you don't, one day you find yourself having dated someone for years and you have no idea what you're doing with that person. There's no end goal. If you're dating someone exclusively, what's the goal? If you don't intend on marrying them, why are you dating them? To quote that Taylor Swift song, "So it's gonna be forever, Or it's gonna go down in flames". SO TRUE.
Anyway, my point, is that projection can be either positive or negative. When you're trying to move on with your life, trying to forget about someone, and trying not to think about them constantly, projection probably isn't the best. And as a friend put it over the weekend, "Stay with me. Stay in the here and now, don't go to the past". So living in the past and memories isn't ideal. And thinking about the future isn't ideal either. Tonight, after getting through the day, I projected and I broke down. I started thinking about the upcoming holidays and how much I really am dreading them. Holidays are important to me. They're a time to be with family, to be happy. Thanksgiving is just around the corner and I DO NOT want it to be here. We usually go to my mom's for Thanksgiving. She cooks, I bring a couple dishes...and in the past couple years my ex has been with us. This year, she has a new boyfriend who's coming and she invited someone she knows that can't make it home to their family. All well and good...but...NO. Do I want to be social? No. Do I want to answer 50 questions about my life? No. Do I want to act like I'm perfectly fine and not thinking about everything? No. I'm not a hugely social person at it is. I don't do well in a huge crowds and I don't know what to say to people that I don't know. I answer questions directly and leave it at that. My ex was the social one. He knew what to say to people and could sit and talk to them for hours (Ha! I guess that makes sense since he makes new "friends" so easily...go figure). Either way, my previous point: I'm dreading Thanksgiving. So after I gathered myself from being a crying mess in the kitchen, I decided to refocus. First, I finished cooking dinner. Second, I texted my support system. It consists of a solid 3 people on a regular basis. There are others but these 3...they've been there since everything happened last week and they text me from the time I get up to the time I go to sleep or if I need anything at any time, they're it. I told them my heart hurt. I told them why. I cried some more. And I made a plan for Thanksgiving Day. I'm going to run a 5K that morning that's local and then I'm coming home, showering, and focusing on ME. I'll do whatever it takes to make sure that my head is in a good spot and then dinner will be LATER that day. For us, we usually eat around 1 or 2 and then socialize until 6-ish. Not this year. I'll arrive around 4 and only be there for a couple of hours. I need to do what's good for ME so that I can heal. I consistently have to remind myself of this because I always stop and say "oh, well that person might get offended." or "I don't want to upset this person". This is about ME. It's about what I need this time. For now, it feels good to have a plan. But I also need to remember to try not to project so much. The future will get here and I will have survived whatever it intends to swing my way.
I miss the ex. SO. MUCH. There's a hole in my heart that he occupied that will never be filled in by anyone else in the same way but I imagine it can be covered up pretty thickly so that I can feel okay again eventually. I desperately welcome that time and hope that it doesn't take too long because the waves of sadness that I feel randomly are really irritating more than anything else. I want to move on and be happy with someone else at some point in time. I'd like to just be happy in general if that's possible. The someone else part will come when it's supposed to.
Anyway, I promised myself I'd make a list everyday and so here it is for today:
Things that made me happy:
1) Waking up well rested & refreshed
2) My workout at the gym & making the decision to train 3 days a week again, not just 2. So M,W,F will be weight days with a mile or 2 of running and T, Th will be cardio days
3) Seeing my friend today who does my hair & having her put mermaid colors back in it. Bright colors = happy. *Side note: I don't put colors in my hair for anyone else. It's for ME. Right after my ex & I broke up I colored my hair bc I hadn't done it for the time we were together bc I knew he didn't like it. His first words before even saying hello were "What did you do to your hair?!" He said it made him feel like he had been holding me back when I ran out & did that first thing. Memo: This isn't about YOU, wasn't about you, and you didn't cross my mind when I dyed my hair. This is and was about ME. Color makes me HAPPY and I NEEDed Happy.
Things that upset me:
1) Thinking about him SO much today
2) Holiday projection
I swear at times my brain is going to be the death of me. I've been told countless time that I think too much. I read too much into things. I worry too much. See, here's the thing. I think in any relationship, you tend to project the future. Or certain parts of it. When I got together with my ex, I'd ask him if we were "dating" or if we were "a couple". He NEVER wanted to "put a title on it". I know now that in the beginning, it was because he was seeing someone else & didn't want to specifically have to let her go because he had a "girlfriend". However, when you're IN a DEFINED relationship I don't think all projection is bad. I think you need to project some and not just "have fun". If you don't, one day you find yourself having dated someone for years and you have no idea what you're doing with that person. There's no end goal. If you're dating someone exclusively, what's the goal? If you don't intend on marrying them, why are you dating them? To quote that Taylor Swift song, "So it's gonna be forever, Or it's gonna go down in flames". SO TRUE.
Anyway, my point, is that projection can be either positive or negative. When you're trying to move on with your life, trying to forget about someone, and trying not to think about them constantly, projection probably isn't the best. And as a friend put it over the weekend, "Stay with me. Stay in the here and now, don't go to the past". So living in the past and memories isn't ideal. And thinking about the future isn't ideal either. Tonight, after getting through the day, I projected and I broke down. I started thinking about the upcoming holidays and how much I really am dreading them. Holidays are important to me. They're a time to be with family, to be happy. Thanksgiving is just around the corner and I DO NOT want it to be here. We usually go to my mom's for Thanksgiving. She cooks, I bring a couple dishes...and in the past couple years my ex has been with us. This year, she has a new boyfriend who's coming and she invited someone she knows that can't make it home to their family. All well and good...but...NO. Do I want to be social? No. Do I want to answer 50 questions about my life? No. Do I want to act like I'm perfectly fine and not thinking about everything? No. I'm not a hugely social person at it is. I don't do well in a huge crowds and I don't know what to say to people that I don't know. I answer questions directly and leave it at that. My ex was the social one. He knew what to say to people and could sit and talk to them for hours (Ha! I guess that makes sense since he makes new "friends" so easily...go figure). Either way, my previous point: I'm dreading Thanksgiving. So after I gathered myself from being a crying mess in the kitchen, I decided to refocus. First, I finished cooking dinner. Second, I texted my support system. It consists of a solid 3 people on a regular basis. There are others but these 3...they've been there since everything happened last week and they text me from the time I get up to the time I go to sleep or if I need anything at any time, they're it. I told them my heart hurt. I told them why. I cried some more. And I made a plan for Thanksgiving Day. I'm going to run a 5K that morning that's local and then I'm coming home, showering, and focusing on ME. I'll do whatever it takes to make sure that my head is in a good spot and then dinner will be LATER that day. For us, we usually eat around 1 or 2 and then socialize until 6-ish. Not this year. I'll arrive around 4 and only be there for a couple of hours. I need to do what's good for ME so that I can heal. I consistently have to remind myself of this because I always stop and say "oh, well that person might get offended." or "I don't want to upset this person". This is about ME. It's about what I need this time. For now, it feels good to have a plan. But I also need to remember to try not to project so much. The future will get here and I will have survived whatever it intends to swing my way.
I miss the ex. SO. MUCH. There's a hole in my heart that he occupied that will never be filled in by anyone else in the same way but I imagine it can be covered up pretty thickly so that I can feel okay again eventually. I desperately welcome that time and hope that it doesn't take too long because the waves of sadness that I feel randomly are really irritating more than anything else. I want to move on and be happy with someone else at some point in time. I'd like to just be happy in general if that's possible. The someone else part will come when it's supposed to.
Anyway, I promised myself I'd make a list everyday and so here it is for today:
Things that made me happy:
1) Waking up well rested & refreshed
2) My workout at the gym & making the decision to train 3 days a week again, not just 2. So M,W,F will be weight days with a mile or 2 of running and T, Th will be cardio days
3) Seeing my friend today who does my hair & having her put mermaid colors back in it. Bright colors = happy. *Side note: I don't put colors in my hair for anyone else. It's for ME. Right after my ex & I broke up I colored my hair bc I hadn't done it for the time we were together bc I knew he didn't like it. His first words before even saying hello were "What did you do to your hair?!" He said it made him feel like he had been holding me back when I ran out & did that first thing. Memo: This isn't about YOU, wasn't about you, and you didn't cross my mind when I dyed my hair. This is and was about ME. Color makes me HAPPY and I NEEDed Happy.
Things that upset me:
1) Thinking about him SO much today
2) Holiday projection
11/20/14 Officially A Week with a New Start
Well, I slept great last night. Again. Gosh, what if that could become a habit or something?! Imagine that?! I did go to bed late though. It was around midnight but I was able to sleep in a bit this morning because my daughter stayed the night with my mom.
So...this morning...it's a BIG day...it's a WEEK since I found myself on the bathroom floor with cut up wrists and called for help. It's a WEEK since I've had ANY communication with my ex. Those two things are huge right now so I'm lying here kind of looking around wondering if anything is going to stand in my way of progression today. On the plus side, the arms have healed nicely and I don't think they'll scar. My heart is probably another story and I truly believe with brokenness, it heals like a deep deep cut...new skin forms over it to make it stronger but it will always be there to remind you of what happened. There are pros and cons to that but the biggest thing for me, is being able to forgive. I never forget once I've been hurt. But I have learned how to forgive. It just takes me a VERY long time. This time, it's going to be awhile because I have the anger to go with it but I think right now, the anger is fuel for me to be able to cleanse myself and stop obsessing and move on. HEAL, HOPE, JOY, & HAPPINESS....No more tears, push the hurt away. << THAT is what I'm using to banish this situation from my life.
So, this morning will start on a positive note. I was checking my email this morning & came across one from Tumi (our favorite luggage company) that advertised new backpacks. I was THISCLOSE to forwarding it (it came as a natural reaction) because I know he'd been looking for the exact one that's on sale in the email. I stopped myself and deleted the email. I also haven't figured out how to get his name off my google chat list so I have to look at it all the time and it's a bit annoying because I'm certain he's online but appearing offline. I really need to google and figure out how to just delete it off of there. Minor things. Not upsetting and certainly not even close enough to bad to ruin my morning.
Anyhow, I do want to say, if anyone reads any of these and wants to introduce themselves or comment if I don't know you, feel free. If anyone needs to vent or talk to someone about something going on in their lives, feel free. It doesn't matter who you are. Just keep it tactful with nothing rude. :)
I'll write more when the day comes to and end but right now, it's up and at em...time to see my NEW boyfriend......GYM. ;)
So...this morning...it's a BIG day...it's a WEEK since I found myself on the bathroom floor with cut up wrists and called for help. It's a WEEK since I've had ANY communication with my ex. Those two things are huge right now so I'm lying here kind of looking around wondering if anything is going to stand in my way of progression today. On the plus side, the arms have healed nicely and I don't think they'll scar. My heart is probably another story and I truly believe with brokenness, it heals like a deep deep cut...new skin forms over it to make it stronger but it will always be there to remind you of what happened. There are pros and cons to that but the biggest thing for me, is being able to forgive. I never forget once I've been hurt. But I have learned how to forgive. It just takes me a VERY long time. This time, it's going to be awhile because I have the anger to go with it but I think right now, the anger is fuel for me to be able to cleanse myself and stop obsessing and move on. HEAL, HOPE, JOY, & HAPPINESS....No more tears, push the hurt away. << THAT is what I'm using to banish this situation from my life.
So, this morning will start on a positive note. I was checking my email this morning & came across one from Tumi (our favorite luggage company) that advertised new backpacks. I was THISCLOSE to forwarding it (it came as a natural reaction) because I know he'd been looking for the exact one that's on sale in the email. I stopped myself and deleted the email. I also haven't figured out how to get his name off my google chat list so I have to look at it all the time and it's a bit annoying because I'm certain he's online but appearing offline. I really need to google and figure out how to just delete it off of there. Minor things. Not upsetting and certainly not even close enough to bad to ruin my morning.
Anyhow, I do want to say, if anyone reads any of these and wants to introduce themselves or comment if I don't know you, feel free. If anyone needs to vent or talk to someone about something going on in their lives, feel free. It doesn't matter who you are. Just keep it tactful with nothing rude. :)
I'll write more when the day comes to and end but right now, it's up and at em...time to see my NEW boyfriend......GYM. ;)
Wednesday, November 19, 2014
11/19/14 Almost a week...
I don't really know where to start today. I do know this will be fairly short since I have to leave for class in a few minutes and I don't intend on getting back online when I get home. I have a few relaxation/meditation/clarity things I want to try and technology isn't on the list.
As for today...it's almost been a week since all of this happened. But it HAS been a full week since I really started suspecting the ex had met someone, found her photo, etc. Around this time last week I was truly panicking. This is why he's ignoring me?! What do I do?! My heart raced for hours and that was really proven true because we had a physical test in class that evening and my heart rate was close to 80bpm. It's usually down by 70. So after class I came home, had given up on hearing anything regarding my texts, emails, google chat message, etc. I had sent that day, watched some tv, read, and went to bed. I'll follow up on what happened last Thursday, tomorrow.
As for today, honestly, it's been a very busy day but there hasn't been BAD in it. There's been a little sad, and a little unfocused, but not BAD. I slept REALLY well last night for the first time in SO SO long. I mean truly rested. I woke up and just kind of laid in bed for a minute to get my bearings, checked my horoscope, email...and decided that I was going to have a good day. I was going to keep as busy as I could and just try and focus on ME as much as I could. For anyone who doesn't know, I historically bend over backwards, change my schedule, wait around, etc. to do things for people. That's not a negative trait I don't think but I don't really ever spend time specifically on ME. It's a very strange feeling. So today, I took my daughter to school and hit the gym. And I mean really just hit the gym hard. I ran 3.3 miles in record time (or at least record time for me). Went to the grocery store, came home to unload that stuff, and met my mom for lunch (sushi!). And then, I went to an AquaFloat appointment. For anyone who doesn't know what that is...look it up and go do it. NOW. It's incredible. And relaxing. And mind clearing. Last time I went, it took about 15 minutes for my mind just to stop moving. Today it took about 10. The session is a full 60 minutes with 30 minutes of extra time for showering, tea afterwards, etc. About 40 minutes into it, my brain decided to click back on and I really had to actively work to re-relax myself. I didn't fully get back into a meditative state unfortunately but afterwards the hot shower and green tea helped to settle me. For some reason when I walked out of the building, I got that empty chest, sad feeling in my chest that's been so prominent these last few months. I can't pinpoint a trigger for it but I did sit quietly for a few minutes in my car, took a couple calming tablets, and I've been okay since. Here I am at 5:30pm, getting ready for class.
Now, let me just clarify, my ex has been on my mind ALL DAY. Seriously. Through all of the busyness, he's ALWAYS there. I'm not really certain how to make that go away but I have an inkling that it will fade within time. I'm always wondering what he's doing or if he thinks of me and how that makes him feel. I really suppose that I'll never know because the way he ignored me like a child would proves that I'll never get an apology and I'll never know WHY he chose the silent treatment over even something like "go away" or "screw you". Either of those would have been better than the ignoring. But, a week later, here I am and I'm still alive.
My friend sent me a quote this morning via email that really hit home. It said "Cry as hard as you want. But make sure that when you stop crying, you never cry for the same reason again". TRUTH in its finest. Don't make the same mistakes. Learn from them. THAT is something I'm looking forward to touching on next week with my head doctor because historically, I do the same thing over and over in a relationship and I'd like to break that cycle.
Another quote that I love: "Until you heal the wounds of your past, you are going to bleed. You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex; But eventually, it will all ooze through and stain your life. You must find the strength to open the wounds, stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in your past, the memories, and make peace with them". (Iyania Vanzant)
I think that one is pretty self explanatory.
On that note, I leave you with one that made me laugh, that I posted on my Facebook before I deactivated it, and that I remember frequently because it makes me smile:
"I'll see your silent treatment and raise you a fuck off."
CHEERS. <3
Things that made me happy today:
1) My daughter smothering me in kisses before she left for school and telling me I was the best mommy ever
2) Talking with my cousin via text and learning that she was in a similar situation and hearing her suggestions for resources that can potentially be of help
3) Sushi!
4) AquaFloat!
Things that made me upset today:
1) NOTHING. Can someone please just print this out and frame it please?!?!?! I got a little sad leaving the aqua float but there were NO TEARS. Epic. Just epic. <3
As for today...it's almost been a week since all of this happened. But it HAS been a full week since I really started suspecting the ex had met someone, found her photo, etc. Around this time last week I was truly panicking. This is why he's ignoring me?! What do I do?! My heart raced for hours and that was really proven true because we had a physical test in class that evening and my heart rate was close to 80bpm. It's usually down by 70. So after class I came home, had given up on hearing anything regarding my texts, emails, google chat message, etc. I had sent that day, watched some tv, read, and went to bed. I'll follow up on what happened last Thursday, tomorrow.
As for today, honestly, it's been a very busy day but there hasn't been BAD in it. There's been a little sad, and a little unfocused, but not BAD. I slept REALLY well last night for the first time in SO SO long. I mean truly rested. I woke up and just kind of laid in bed for a minute to get my bearings, checked my horoscope, email...and decided that I was going to have a good day. I was going to keep as busy as I could and just try and focus on ME as much as I could. For anyone who doesn't know, I historically bend over backwards, change my schedule, wait around, etc. to do things for people. That's not a negative trait I don't think but I don't really ever spend time specifically on ME. It's a very strange feeling. So today, I took my daughter to school and hit the gym. And I mean really just hit the gym hard. I ran 3.3 miles in record time (or at least record time for me). Went to the grocery store, came home to unload that stuff, and met my mom for lunch (sushi!). And then, I went to an AquaFloat appointment. For anyone who doesn't know what that is...look it up and go do it. NOW. It's incredible. And relaxing. And mind clearing. Last time I went, it took about 15 minutes for my mind just to stop moving. Today it took about 10. The session is a full 60 minutes with 30 minutes of extra time for showering, tea afterwards, etc. About 40 minutes into it, my brain decided to click back on and I really had to actively work to re-relax myself. I didn't fully get back into a meditative state unfortunately but afterwards the hot shower and green tea helped to settle me. For some reason when I walked out of the building, I got that empty chest, sad feeling in my chest that's been so prominent these last few months. I can't pinpoint a trigger for it but I did sit quietly for a few minutes in my car, took a couple calming tablets, and I've been okay since. Here I am at 5:30pm, getting ready for class.
Now, let me just clarify, my ex has been on my mind ALL DAY. Seriously. Through all of the busyness, he's ALWAYS there. I'm not really certain how to make that go away but I have an inkling that it will fade within time. I'm always wondering what he's doing or if he thinks of me and how that makes him feel. I really suppose that I'll never know because the way he ignored me like a child would proves that I'll never get an apology and I'll never know WHY he chose the silent treatment over even something like "go away" or "screw you". Either of those would have been better than the ignoring. But, a week later, here I am and I'm still alive.
My friend sent me a quote this morning via email that really hit home. It said "Cry as hard as you want. But make sure that when you stop crying, you never cry for the same reason again". TRUTH in its finest. Don't make the same mistakes. Learn from them. THAT is something I'm looking forward to touching on next week with my head doctor because historically, I do the same thing over and over in a relationship and I'd like to break that cycle.
Another quote that I love: "Until you heal the wounds of your past, you are going to bleed. You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex; But eventually, it will all ooze through and stain your life. You must find the strength to open the wounds, stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in your past, the memories, and make peace with them". (Iyania Vanzant)
I think that one is pretty self explanatory.
On that note, I leave you with one that made me laugh, that I posted on my Facebook before I deactivated it, and that I remember frequently because it makes me smile:
"I'll see your silent treatment and raise you a fuck off."
CHEERS. <3
Things that made me happy today:
1) My daughter smothering me in kisses before she left for school and telling me I was the best mommy ever
2) Talking with my cousin via text and learning that she was in a similar situation and hearing her suggestions for resources that can potentially be of help
3) Sushi!
4) AquaFloat!
Things that made me upset today:
1) NOTHING. Can someone please just print this out and frame it please?!?!?! I got a little sad leaving the aqua float but there were NO TEARS. Epic. Just epic. <3
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
11/18/14 ...And the beat goes on
So, mostly I want to write that my afternoon has been bearable. My training session was really good today (it usually is but sometimes I'm just flat exhausted afterwards) and I ended it with a 2 mile run. My run was much faster today - probably from the stress I had built up from earlier in the day. Hey, let's do it. If the stress is there, let it benefit my runs and workouts. My mile time dropped to low 11's today and it's usually in the low to mid 12's.
Anyhow, this afternoon was also my therapy session which I've been calling my "head doctor" appointment. It adds a little humor for me and beats saying Im seeing a shrink. I was calm until I walked into the office and then just kind of got nervous about the fact that is have to talk about everything but honestly, I was pleased. She's incredibly nice and perceptive and not forceful which I like. My first thought when I pulled into where her office is located was "oh universe, you really have a not so appealing sense of humor. WHY?!" The office is in the same set of buildings as my ex's "head doctor" is located. Fabulous. Cue major eye rolling. But, it is what it is and it's not about him, it's about me. I mean, it mostly was about him but you know...
So the question of the day... "So would you go back with him?" Fair question. The answer seems obvious. MY answer? "I don't know". What?! After all this?! << That's my inner dialogue getting ready to kick my butt. Yeah, truly. I don't know. And I don't know because the good still outweighs the bad and when things were good, they were SO GOOD. Happy, exciting, etc etc. Alas, it's probably a good thing that's not an option because I don't think my physical self or my heart could take the bad stuff.
My personal conclusion of the day? I'm not actually crazy! My ex was just selfish and didn't have enough of a gut to stand up and tell me he didn't love me so he led me and my daughter on for almost 2 years. Note to anyone dating anyone else: don't tell the person you're with that you can see them in your future ans tell them you're working toward a future if you don't actually see and feel that. Be bold enough to stand up and save them the pain that can cut quite literally like a knife. Be sure you're fully over your ex wife or ex husband or ex in general before dating ANYONE (a feat that apparently takes more than a couple of years for some people). Don't be selfish and lead people on because being with someone helps you to feel like you have a "rock" to lean on when you need it most in your life. A relationship is about being equal and helping each other equally. One person should never put in more effort than the other just because the other is busy or preoccupied with their everyday problems or things in their schedule.
I could go on for days. Alas, I have a relaxing evening that I would like to get to. I felt better walking out of that office than I have in a very long time. I felt like someone finally LISTENED and finally heard me (not that my friends haven't, but it's a bit different). Listening without frustration being directed at me is all I wanted in the very first place. Maybe things would have been different if I hadn't been ignored for weeks prior to all this by HIM? Meh...I'll save that for another day and time because I honestly don't want to delve into it now and I honestly don't think he cared enough about how all of this made me felt to pick up the phone. Such is life. I'll gladly take a relaxing evening over stress. Cheers.
Things that made me happy today:
1) my daughter wrote me an incredibly sweet note in the journal we share
2) my puppies were overly ecstatic to see me come home today for whatever reason
3) I got a couple packages in the mail I was expecting
4) I got a load of compliments on my new gym shirt today that reads: Single, Taken, At the gym and don't have time for your shit (with a check mark next to that one)
5) a really good training session & run
6) food! I actually ate a full meal for dinner today. My appetite has been crummy lately
Hard things today:
1) getting out of bed
2) talking to my physical therapist about how things are going with me
3) trying to sort out and verbalize my thoughts in therapy today
Anyhow, this afternoon was also my therapy session which I've been calling my "head doctor" appointment. It adds a little humor for me and beats saying Im seeing a shrink. I was calm until I walked into the office and then just kind of got nervous about the fact that is have to talk about everything but honestly, I was pleased. She's incredibly nice and perceptive and not forceful which I like. My first thought when I pulled into where her office is located was "oh universe, you really have a not so appealing sense of humor. WHY?!" The office is in the same set of buildings as my ex's "head doctor" is located. Fabulous. Cue major eye rolling. But, it is what it is and it's not about him, it's about me. I mean, it mostly was about him but you know...
So the question of the day... "So would you go back with him?" Fair question. The answer seems obvious. MY answer? "I don't know". What?! After all this?! << That's my inner dialogue getting ready to kick my butt. Yeah, truly. I don't know. And I don't know because the good still outweighs the bad and when things were good, they were SO GOOD. Happy, exciting, etc etc. Alas, it's probably a good thing that's not an option because I don't think my physical self or my heart could take the bad stuff.
My personal conclusion of the day? I'm not actually crazy! My ex was just selfish and didn't have enough of a gut to stand up and tell me he didn't love me so he led me and my daughter on for almost 2 years. Note to anyone dating anyone else: don't tell the person you're with that you can see them in your future ans tell them you're working toward a future if you don't actually see and feel that. Be bold enough to stand up and save them the pain that can cut quite literally like a knife. Be sure you're fully over your ex wife or ex husband or ex in general before dating ANYONE (a feat that apparently takes more than a couple of years for some people). Don't be selfish and lead people on because being with someone helps you to feel like you have a "rock" to lean on when you need it most in your life. A relationship is about being equal and helping each other equally. One person should never put in more effort than the other just because the other is busy or preoccupied with their everyday problems or things in their schedule.
I could go on for days. Alas, I have a relaxing evening that I would like to get to. I felt better walking out of that office than I have in a very long time. I felt like someone finally LISTENED and finally heard me (not that my friends haven't, but it's a bit different). Listening without frustration being directed at me is all I wanted in the very first place. Maybe things would have been different if I hadn't been ignored for weeks prior to all this by HIM? Meh...I'll save that for another day and time because I honestly don't want to delve into it now and I honestly don't think he cared enough about how all of this made me felt to pick up the phone. Such is life. I'll gladly take a relaxing evening over stress. Cheers.
Things that made me happy today:
1) my daughter wrote me an incredibly sweet note in the journal we share
2) my puppies were overly ecstatic to see me come home today for whatever reason
3) I got a couple packages in the mail I was expecting
4) I got a load of compliments on my new gym shirt today that reads: Single, Taken, At the gym and don't have time for your shit (with a check mark next to that one)
5) a really good training session & run
6) food! I actually ate a full meal for dinner today. My appetite has been crummy lately
Hard things today:
1) getting out of bed
2) talking to my physical therapist about how things are going with me
3) trying to sort out and verbalize my thoughts in therapy today
11/18/14 Rough start to the day...
It's 10:30am. I'm exhausted, my heart hurts today. Perhaps it's making up for yesterday, I don't know. Part of the issue I believe is that I didn't sleep last night. My daughter had a 102 fever and I put her in my bed so I could keep an eye on her. She's the only one that did get any rest I think. The dogs didn't know what to think about having someone in "their" space on the bed so they were up and down most of the night. The alarm went off at 6am and I just didn't want to get up. I could feel that it was going to be a rough start to the day. Deep breathing, reading my horoscope, reading my positive message for the day, taking my calming tablets (I love Whole Foods...they have the best stuff). I made it through physical therapy alright and then the waterworks hit me in the parking lot. I MISS YOU. That's all I could think. What I wouldn't give to be able to have a text or a phone call just to hear your voice right now. It's really ridiculous how this whole thing works...one second I'm filled with a rage and the next second that's replaced by tears. I don't understand my brain and how it's processing (or not processing) things right now.
I went into the store to grab something and that Michael Bublé song "Lost" was playing. I felt like I was being suffocated and just had to get out of there. Thank goodness I was already at the checkout line. Therapy had the Keith Urban song "You'll Think of Me" playing and I wanted to just scream. Normally I love that song but I guess there's nothing normal going on with me right now so go figure. My favorite band Lady A has been totally ruined by all of this. The absolutely ONLY song I'll listen to by them is "Bartender". I can't even think about going back to a concert because that was OUR thing. We did 2 of their concerts with meet & greets, etc. I guess that's kind of down the toilet for now. Thanks for that.
I do know that the rest of my day is going to be kept decently busy by appointments that I scheduled so perhaps that will help. For now, I'm looking forward to having my daughter home after school so that we can spend time together. I look forward to the day when negative energy is banished from this part of my life. For now, I decided to write about this morning instead of sitting and stewing on it over and over.
More later I suppose...
I went into the store to grab something and that Michael Bublé song "Lost" was playing. I felt like I was being suffocated and just had to get out of there. Thank goodness I was already at the checkout line. Therapy had the Keith Urban song "You'll Think of Me" playing and I wanted to just scream. Normally I love that song but I guess there's nothing normal going on with me right now so go figure. My favorite band Lady A has been totally ruined by all of this. The absolutely ONLY song I'll listen to by them is "Bartender". I can't even think about going back to a concert because that was OUR thing. We did 2 of their concerts with meet & greets, etc. I guess that's kind of down the toilet for now. Thanks for that.
I do know that the rest of my day is going to be kept decently busy by appointments that I scheduled so perhaps that will help. For now, I'm looking forward to having my daughter home after school so that we can spend time together. I look forward to the day when negative energy is banished from this part of my life. For now, I decided to write about this morning instead of sitting and stewing on it over and over.
More later I suppose...
Monday, November 17, 2014
11/17/14 What A Tease
*SIGH*
Where do I even start today? Today was a lazy day for me. My daughter stayed home from school due to having a bit of a cough so we decided just to have a non-productive movie day. Mental health day if you like. She played when she woke up and watched a movie downstairs while I caught up on one of my favorite shows, Revenge. I look forward to this show every week and it never fails to surprise me with it's twists and turns. This morning, as I feeling decent and caught up in the world of Emily Thorne/Amanda Clarke, I got abruptly smacked back to my own reality as a new character was introduced. Jack's new love interest has the same has the same f***ing name (minus the "e") as my ex boyfriend's new "friend". Right down to the same last name!! Granted, the ex's new interest had that as a married name but SERIOUSLY?! Must EVERYTHING in my world somehow relate to this mess that I'm dealing with? Can't I have an hour of bliss where HE doesn't exist anymore?! Apparently not. So after some ranting and raving (I didn't cry, I just was angry and annoyed) I finished my show and got on with my day which consisted of a couple movies with the munchkin, some board games, and general lazying around. Overall, not too shabby.
I would point out that I would like to have my full appetite back in tact some point soon. I love food. I seriously do. I workout so I can eat. But lately, I have no appetite and I'm below my goal weight which means that gains really aren't being made in my training sessions and THAT is a pain in the butt. Alas, tomorrow is my first therapy session with someone who hopefully can help me move past all this mess and I'm looking forward to that because all I want is my life back and the ability to smile more than maybe once a day.
So the rest of the day seemed to go without a hitch. I came across a lovely meme this evening that had me doing some deep breathing. It said "It took the worst thing I've ever done to become the best thing I ever did". Mmmm.....HONESTLY? I may go straight to a fiery inferno for saying this but, I'm glad you hurt. I am HAPPY that you hurt. Because you have NO RIGHT to have led someone on for almost 2 years talking about family and seeing me and my daughter in your future and then to say that you're not in love with me. NO. RIGHT. I truly hope that one day I can look at the pictures and memories that I have stored away and be happy while I look at them. Right now, I have this boiling anger that I don't ever think I've felt toward anyone. It's a horrible thing to carry around and the worst part is, he knows how I feel. He's been crushed and shattered by his ex wife and guess who picked up those pieces? Me. I'm so glad I could be there for every break down, offer hundreds of words of advice, pick him up when he couldn't get off the couch and move, only to be stomped on myself.
I am NOT an angry person. Let me just clarify that. I don't get angry. I get upset, frustrated, etc. and as a result I cry because I hate not being able to verbalize what I'm feeling. But it's such a rare thing for me to get ANGRY. These past couple months have produced more anger than I think I've felt in a lifetime. I'm not being dramatic, I'm not exaggerating. In a 2 year relationship the ONLY time I've been this angry is just before we started dating. I found out that he had lied to me about seeing someone. He said they weren't seeing each other, they hadn't slept together, she was just a friend. False. They'd been dating for about 5 months, etc. etc. and I found this out from HER. I screamed and I yelled and I kicked a slight hole in my wall. But I stuck it out. I didn't walk away. I listened to his side and I made the decision to stay. Why? Right now I have no idea because at this moment, I don't have much to show for it except for a lot more anger, a lot of tears, some cuts on my wrist, and a very messed up brain. I'll be sure and jot it down the day that I don't feel the anger anymore.
You know what's the clincher here? There's a part of me that wishes he would be in touch somehow. Despite warnings from my family to stay away, I want to know if he feels anything at all or if he's just living his life on the thought that he let me go so he would stop hurting me so it's the best thing that he's done. I can't do anything but roll my eyes right now. If my shoulders were in tact, you better believe I'd be tearing up a punching bag as my therapy and not writing.
Anyway, that's my vent for the day. Still, overall, I've enjoyed snuggling with my munchkin all day and having her home. A little package arrived today from my dear friends in Australia. They're pop open cards, each with a different message. Today's message: "Everything is always impossible before it works". (R. Hunt Greene). What perfect timing. I needed to hear that today. So thank you to my amazing friends for ALWAYS caring about me, not when it's just convenient for them. I love you guys.
Things that made me happy today:
1) Staying around the house ALL day and having my baby girl here with me!
2) My friends that texted me ALL day despite work and school and made me smile a lot
3) My puppies that are curled up in fluffy little balls snoring next to me right now
4) My friend's package arrival
Things that irritated/made me upset today:
1) The new character in Revenge (THIS is why I'm not a fan of brunettes)
2) The irritating little meme message (so glad that me being hurt is what it took for you to move on)
Tomorrow is a new day! I'm looking forward to conquering it without any tears as I did today.
Where do I even start today? Today was a lazy day for me. My daughter stayed home from school due to having a bit of a cough so we decided just to have a non-productive movie day. Mental health day if you like. She played when she woke up and watched a movie downstairs while I caught up on one of my favorite shows, Revenge. I look forward to this show every week and it never fails to surprise me with it's twists and turns. This morning, as I feeling decent and caught up in the world of Emily Thorne/Amanda Clarke, I got abruptly smacked back to my own reality as a new character was introduced. Jack's new love interest has the same has the same f***ing name (minus the "e") as my ex boyfriend's new "friend". Right down to the same last name!! Granted, the ex's new interest had that as a married name but SERIOUSLY?! Must EVERYTHING in my world somehow relate to this mess that I'm dealing with? Can't I have an hour of bliss where HE doesn't exist anymore?! Apparently not. So after some ranting and raving (I didn't cry, I just was angry and annoyed) I finished my show and got on with my day which consisted of a couple movies with the munchkin, some board games, and general lazying around. Overall, not too shabby.
I would point out that I would like to have my full appetite back in tact some point soon. I love food. I seriously do. I workout so I can eat. But lately, I have no appetite and I'm below my goal weight which means that gains really aren't being made in my training sessions and THAT is a pain in the butt. Alas, tomorrow is my first therapy session with someone who hopefully can help me move past all this mess and I'm looking forward to that because all I want is my life back and the ability to smile more than maybe once a day.
So the rest of the day seemed to go without a hitch. I came across a lovely meme this evening that had me doing some deep breathing. It said "It took the worst thing I've ever done to become the best thing I ever did". Mmmm.....HONESTLY? I may go straight to a fiery inferno for saying this but, I'm glad you hurt. I am HAPPY that you hurt. Because you have NO RIGHT to have led someone on for almost 2 years talking about family and seeing me and my daughter in your future and then to say that you're not in love with me. NO. RIGHT. I truly hope that one day I can look at the pictures and memories that I have stored away and be happy while I look at them. Right now, I have this boiling anger that I don't ever think I've felt toward anyone. It's a horrible thing to carry around and the worst part is, he knows how I feel. He's been crushed and shattered by his ex wife and guess who picked up those pieces? Me. I'm so glad I could be there for every break down, offer hundreds of words of advice, pick him up when he couldn't get off the couch and move, only to be stomped on myself.
I am NOT an angry person. Let me just clarify that. I don't get angry. I get upset, frustrated, etc. and as a result I cry because I hate not being able to verbalize what I'm feeling. But it's such a rare thing for me to get ANGRY. These past couple months have produced more anger than I think I've felt in a lifetime. I'm not being dramatic, I'm not exaggerating. In a 2 year relationship the ONLY time I've been this angry is just before we started dating. I found out that he had lied to me about seeing someone. He said they weren't seeing each other, they hadn't slept together, she was just a friend. False. They'd been dating for about 5 months, etc. etc. and I found this out from HER. I screamed and I yelled and I kicked a slight hole in my wall. But I stuck it out. I didn't walk away. I listened to his side and I made the decision to stay. Why? Right now I have no idea because at this moment, I don't have much to show for it except for a lot more anger, a lot of tears, some cuts on my wrist, and a very messed up brain. I'll be sure and jot it down the day that I don't feel the anger anymore.
You know what's the clincher here? There's a part of me that wishes he would be in touch somehow. Despite warnings from my family to stay away, I want to know if he feels anything at all or if he's just living his life on the thought that he let me go so he would stop hurting me so it's the best thing that he's done. I can't do anything but roll my eyes right now. If my shoulders were in tact, you better believe I'd be tearing up a punching bag as my therapy and not writing.
Anyway, that's my vent for the day. Still, overall, I've enjoyed snuggling with my munchkin all day and having her home. A little package arrived today from my dear friends in Australia. They're pop open cards, each with a different message. Today's message: "Everything is always impossible before it works". (R. Hunt Greene). What perfect timing. I needed to hear that today. So thank you to my amazing friends for ALWAYS caring about me, not when it's just convenient for them. I love you guys.
Things that made me happy today:
1) Staying around the house ALL day and having my baby girl here with me!
2) My friends that texted me ALL day despite work and school and made me smile a lot
3) My puppies that are curled up in fluffy little balls snoring next to me right now
4) My friend's package arrival
Things that irritated/made me upset today:
1) The new character in Revenge (THIS is why I'm not a fan of brunettes)
2) The irritating little meme message (so glad that me being hurt is what it took for you to move on)
Tomorrow is a new day! I'm looking forward to conquering it without any tears as I did today.
Sunday, November 16, 2014
11/16/14 Decompression
Phew...what a weekend. Overall, a good weekend. Just eventful and emotional. Last night at Medieval Times was really fun! I always love taking new people there because it's such a cool experience for kids and adults alike. Such a great concept and really family friendly! My daughter had a blast as always. I didn't tell her until we pulled into the parking lot where we were going and by then she had figured it out already and was SO thrilled! I think she cheered the loudest for our night and her entire evening was made when he gave her a flower. And as always, the food was great. :)
People Like Us
Getting back and getting settled proved more difficult for me. I guess around 830pm my brain went into full overdrive and I tried to clear my head by walking around, puttering, finding stuff to do in the room but with little success and ended up just bursting into tears while a friend held me and let me cry. Seriously, I'm not sure where I'd be right now without the daily help of these people. Just holding me and letting me have my moment helped immensely and my brain finally quieted while my body stopped shaking with anxiety. Unfortunately I ended up with a heck of a headache from tension and all the dust I breathed in at the Color Run so falling asleep was MUCH needed and helped a lot. I slept solidly until around 3:30am when I woke up and had another 'moment'. Dreams of the ex's new "friend" texting me and asking "What the hell did you do?! He's not talking to me anymore!" caused that one so about an hour later I finally fell back to sleep. Thankfully I rested well until about 8am when my friend made me get up. I probably would have laid in bed all day. Seriously, getting up and moving in the morning is one of the most difficult things I've dealt with lately. I have no motivation to face the world and would rather just lay and stare at the ceiling. It's ridiculous. I've never been a morning person anyway but this on top of it just takes the cake. Again, so thankful for the people that text me in the mornings lately and tell me to get up because it's a new day. I NEED that right now.
The day in general hasn't been horrible. Only once today did (other than when I woke up) did I really have to do some deep breathing. A really good friend from Australia emailed me and asked how I was doing and said she missed me on Facebook (I deactivated my account over a week ago because I don't trust myself with it yet). I love her so much and her family too and at the same time it made me so happy to hear from her and know she was thinking of me, it made me sad to know that I couldn't just say "I'm great!". But I also know she doesn't mind my droning on about everything so I went to it.
That's really it. My daughter and I stopped at one of my favorite outlet malls today and that was a good distraction although again, my brain seems to think it's okay to consistently have HIM in the back lobe somewhere every little second. What's he doing, has he been here lately because it was one of our places to go hang out, I bet he'd like that shirt, has he hung out with her this weekend, I wonder if he texts her good morning like he used to do with me....and on and on and on. That's a consistent thing for me...no matter what I'm doing, the thoughts are there ALL the time - they're just sometimes quieter than other times.
Anyhow, it'll be sleep time soon. I'm greatly looking forward to relaxing for awhile, maybe catching up on some shows. Here's to the rest of the evening hopefully going smoothly and continuing without a hitch. Cheers.
Thought for the day: If someone is trained to think that "perception is reality" then how can they not apply that to the things that they do in the life? If you consistently say for years that they're never on various forms of social media and then they suddenly have a social media account with one person on it, how does is that perceived? It's automatically seen as odd because that person must be really important in some form or fashion. Perhaps it should be considered how something is going to be perceived by others before performing an action. Especially when that's what you preach in just about every other aspect of your life.
Things that made me happy today:
1) Having someone to kick my butt into gear this morning and say "You ARE okay. You're alive, and safe, and breathing".
2) Music. For the first time in awhile I was able to listen to certain songs in the car and just kind of get through them without any kind of crazy emotion. It's been awhile since I've sung to the steering wheel :)
3) Taking photos in a photo booth with my daughter. They came out really cute and she was very excited to have something to put in the journal that we share with each other.
4) Rita's Gelato at the mall today. One of my favorite things! This made up for the fact that they took out the Cinnabon.
Things that upset me today:
1) Waking up with an empty chest feeling. The hole in the heart feeling is just stupidly painful to deal with in general but when you wake up like that you really have to fight A LOT to get through it so you can dive into the day.
2) The email from my friend in Australia. Not upset me in a bad way because I was happy to hear from her. Just upset me because I don't like thinking about what's happened...
Link to my favorite song (the video for it) at the moment:
People Like Us
Saturday, November 15, 2014
11/15/2014 A New Day
11/15/2014
Well, it's tomorrow. A new day, a new start, new adventures. I figured I sit down and write now as opposed to later this evening because I have a friend coming over to visit for awhile later and I'm taking my daughter to Medieval Times for dinner. I went to bed last night around midnight. Had a little trouble getting comfortable (thank you previous shoulder surgery and wicked workout at the gym) but I was out for a solid 6 hours. My alarm went off at 6am and I snoozed until 6:15am. I really should have forced myself out of bed at that point but true to habit, I checked my emails, texts, Fitbit friends list, and daily horoscope. If I'm going to be honest, I was looking for an email or a text from the ex and because I JUST realized that in the last couple days he took me off his Fitbit friends list, I was hoping I had imagined that somehow and I'd still see his name & picture on there. Cue deep breathing exercises and and "you are worthwhile" mantra. I pulled myself out of bed, opened the curtains, showered, and then went and got my daughter up so we could get ready for our run.
Today was our first 5K that we've done together. We completed the Color Run. I've done a couple 5K's before but never one in 30 degree weather so I had no idea what to actually expect. Last night we got into the city late (thank you 95 traffic) so we missed pre-race day check-in and had to get up early to do it this morning. I REALLY don't give my daughter enough credit. She's a fighter and she never complained about being out early or having to wait to get things done a bit. We both complained about the cold so I have absolutely nothing to say about that. We're beach people, what do you want? We bought some awesome colorful knee socks, put those on, and went to a zumba class that they had going on by the main stage. It warmed us up, got us even more pumped, and we ran the race together. My daughter hung with me for the first 2 miles and then got tired so we stopped for a 30 second rest and speed walked for a little bit. She finished SO strong though...she spotted the finish line and went for it. I've never been more proud because although she's athletic with karate and jogging, she's never experienced anything with so many people. What a fun and memorable experience!
So, thus far, the day has been...dare I say, good? I've really only had to focus myself a couple of times throughout the day so far. When we were running there were A LOT of couples running together and I just thought that it would have been so much fun to do that and the ex would have had fun with it. The second, when we finished the race and were walking back, my cousin texted me and asked how I was doing and wanted me to get some drawings together for a new tattoo she wants. I solely focused on if I really wanted to delve into what's been going on with me and started getting teary eyed imagining what I was going to say to her. I made it back to hotel room without fail but after that, decided to just let her in on everything. Tears and all. Cue, deep breath, calming tablets, incense being lit, and eucalyptus lotion for relaxation. I've since recovered, refocused, and here I am.
So, that's my day so far. Step by step...hour by hour...I look forward to the day when I can sit down and type...well, I didn't cry at all and it was a GREAT day. I'm confident it'll come.
Things that made me happy today:
1) A really relaxing hot shower this morning
2) Seeing my daughter wake up SO excited about the run this morning
3) Having my daughter say "this is the best day of my life! This is the best day EVER! Thank you for bringing me here!" before and after the race.
4) Seeing a really cute dog that had been covered in colored powder for the race. Absolutely adorable.
5) I'm going to project on this one and go ahead and say seeing my daughters face when I tell her I'm taking her to Medieval Times for dinner...she's always SO excited to go there. She loves it.
6) Spending the evening with my friend who I've known since 7th grade.
Things that upset me today (so far...here's to hoping there's nothing else):
1) Waking up and realizing once again that there's not going to be any "good morning babe" text or email
2) Seeing all the darn couples running together
3) My cousin's text message about how I was doing (although I don't MIND this...I was happy to talk to her because she's very knowledgeable, understands, and loves me)
Well, it's tomorrow. A new day, a new start, new adventures. I figured I sit down and write now as opposed to later this evening because I have a friend coming over to visit for awhile later and I'm taking my daughter to Medieval Times for dinner. I went to bed last night around midnight. Had a little trouble getting comfortable (thank you previous shoulder surgery and wicked workout at the gym) but I was out for a solid 6 hours. My alarm went off at 6am and I snoozed until 6:15am. I really should have forced myself out of bed at that point but true to habit, I checked my emails, texts, Fitbit friends list, and daily horoscope. If I'm going to be honest, I was looking for an email or a text from the ex and because I JUST realized that in the last couple days he took me off his Fitbit friends list, I was hoping I had imagined that somehow and I'd still see his name & picture on there. Cue deep breathing exercises and and "you are worthwhile" mantra. I pulled myself out of bed, opened the curtains, showered, and then went and got my daughter up so we could get ready for our run.
Today was our first 5K that we've done together. We completed the Color Run. I've done a couple 5K's before but never one in 30 degree weather so I had no idea what to actually expect. Last night we got into the city late (thank you 95 traffic) so we missed pre-race day check-in and had to get up early to do it this morning. I REALLY don't give my daughter enough credit. She's a fighter and she never complained about being out early or having to wait to get things done a bit. We both complained about the cold so I have absolutely nothing to say about that. We're beach people, what do you want? We bought some awesome colorful knee socks, put those on, and went to a zumba class that they had going on by the main stage. It warmed us up, got us even more pumped, and we ran the race together. My daughter hung with me for the first 2 miles and then got tired so we stopped for a 30 second rest and speed walked for a little bit. She finished SO strong though...she spotted the finish line and went for it. I've never been more proud because although she's athletic with karate and jogging, she's never experienced anything with so many people. What a fun and memorable experience!
So, thus far, the day has been...dare I say, good? I've really only had to focus myself a couple of times throughout the day so far. When we were running there were A LOT of couples running together and I just thought that it would have been so much fun to do that and the ex would have had fun with it. The second, when we finished the race and were walking back, my cousin texted me and asked how I was doing and wanted me to get some drawings together for a new tattoo she wants. I solely focused on if I really wanted to delve into what's been going on with me and started getting teary eyed imagining what I was going to say to her. I made it back to hotel room without fail but after that, decided to just let her in on everything. Tears and all. Cue, deep breath, calming tablets, incense being lit, and eucalyptus lotion for relaxation. I've since recovered, refocused, and here I am.
So, that's my day so far. Step by step...hour by hour...I look forward to the day when I can sit down and type...well, I didn't cry at all and it was a GREAT day. I'm confident it'll come.
Things that made me happy today:
1) A really relaxing hot shower this morning
2) Seeing my daughter wake up SO excited about the run this morning
3) Having my daughter say "this is the best day of my life! This is the best day EVER! Thank you for bringing me here!" before and after the race.
4) Seeing a really cute dog that had been covered in colored powder for the race. Absolutely adorable.
5) I'm going to project on this one and go ahead and say seeing my daughters face when I tell her I'm taking her to Medieval Times for dinner...she's always SO excited to go there. She loves it.
6) Spending the evening with my friend who I've known since 7th grade.
Things that upset me today (so far...here's to hoping there's nothing else):
1) Waking up and realizing once again that there's not going to be any "good morning babe" text or email
2) Seeing all the darn couples running together
3) My cousin's text message about how I was doing (although I don't MIND this...I was happy to talk to her because she's very knowledgeable, understands, and loves me)
Friday, November 14, 2014
11/14/2014
So...I'm actually going to do this. Blogging. I've seen people do it, I've read about it, I have friends that do it...so let's try it out. I'm sure there will be typo's and grammatical errors because I already know that I have a lot to say and I'm not going to want to proof read it when I'm done.
I imagine it will read more like I'm talking out loud to myself so if whoever reads this can imagine it that way, it will probably come across better. But, all said, I'm not writing for anyone else. I'm writing because I don't have a large enough piece of paper in front of me that will hold all of the thoughts that have been flying around in my head lately.
Me? I'm 31, I have a daughter, 2 dogs, I'm a single, stay at home mom, and I have a good life. Really, I do. I live in a great neighborhood, I have amazing friends and family, I have hobbies that keep me busy, I'm in shape and have finally gotten to a place in my life where I love my body and I actually think I look good. So how did I get to this point where I'm sitting here blogging? Question of the day. No, that's probably going to be the question of my life. A friend told me yesterday that I shouldn't ask myself that. I should just look forward and see where I want to be. Valid point, well received, I'll try that. As soon as I'm able to.
You see, I'm fighting a battle. I think I described it today to a friend perfectly. My battle is a giant tsunami that crashed in on my world unexpectedly in the last few days actually. Well, if I'm being honest, I've probably been trying to deal with it for awhile but yesterday, I OWNED IT. I owned the fact that I feel like every second of everyday I'm in a huge mass of water and I'm trying to get to the top but something or someone is pulling on my legs. I'm fighting to keep my head above water. I have depression. Wow. I've said it over and over in my head in the last 2 days and yet, it looks very...not correct...written out. Just to see it there...I feel like it's staring at me and pops out on the paper as if it's highlighted and in bold and yet...it's not. Well, I still own it. It's mine. And I'm going to deal with it, face it, and send it packing. But first, how did I get here?
I'm 31...I have a good life...
This was the first thought that crossed my mind yesterday morning as I lay crumpled in a heap, unshowered, wrenching over my toilet, with a sharp object in my hand and bits of blood coming from my left arm. As I panicked and called for help I knew I didn't want to be there. I KNEW I had to face what I was feeling because I absolutely didn't want my good life to end.
You know, just weeks ago I had a Facebook discussion about suicide with some friends. I've never thoroughly thought about all the reasons someone would have to end their own life. I've never thought it was a selfish act though - I've always taken the view that it's a cry for help. The person just wants the world to hear them. Yesterday, I learned first hand why someone might want to take themselves out of the world. And guess what? There were no thoughts of what my family or friends might feel. NONE. Selfish? Maybe. But I can promise you that the ONLY thought going through my head was this: "Just make the pain that my heart feels stop. I don't want to be hurt anymore, I don't want to feel like there's a hole in my chest, I want to stop crying and feeling sad all the time. Just make the pain STOP".
Physical pain is a funny thing (and by funny I don't mean haha, I mean ironic). I hate needles. I despise getting my blood drawn and getting shots and all of that. But I have 11 tattoos. And I love them. And I will continue to get them. My latest one is in Shakespeare's handwriting and is on my ribcage. It says "...And though she be but little, she is fierce". I stand by that. I am fierce. As a good friend reminded me the other day "I'm good enough. I'm smart enough. And doggon it. People like me". True story. Anyway, back to what I was saying about physical pain. The needles, the tattoos...and sharp objects used to harm oneself. Physical pain is funny. You can be so aware of it at some points in your life and at other points, you're aware of it but you don't care. THAT is how I felt yesterday. I knew it was there and that it was hurting me but I didn't care. It overtook whatever emotional pain I had in my heart and got rid of it for those few minutes and that's all that mattered. Today I looked at what I had done, and I couldn't fully remember doing it. I remember hopelessness and pain.
So again...how did I get here? One word: Break-up. Seems pretty simple. Mostly harmless. Most people break up with whoever they've been dating, cry, maybe indulge in ice-cream...you know the stereotypical breakup. And they move on. They go about their daily lives and they start the dating process all over again.
I broke up with my boyfriend of almost 2 years the evening of September 28th via phone (he was away at school for a few months). I didn't give him any warning so I know he was shocked, hurt, etc. The thing is, I didn't mean to hurt him. I thought if we took a break, took some time apart, maybe he would realize that he loved me. I knew I loved him from the second week that I knew him. Crazy right? He would say so (he said I was crazy a lot over the years come to think of it). So, almost 2 years into a relationship, I JUST wanted to hear the words "I love you". I wanted to be introduced to family, invited home when he went to visit for the holidays, added to his Facebook page as a friend, have him post pictures of the many places we traveled to together...I wanted him to SHOW that he was happy with me because he didn't do those things. Not everyone processes love the same way, I understand that. Some people don't like PDA, some people tell all their friends everything, etc. etc. I'm the type that loves affection. If I'm with you and I'm happy, I want the world to know. I want everyone to know that you're mine, that I'm proud of you, and hands off because I'm with you. I'm NOT perfect. I'm jealous, I'm insecure, I need to know you love me and think I'm beautiful. Welcome to reality and being human I guess. But, I am a good girlfriend. I will listen to you, offer advice, defend you, comfort you, and generally bend over backwards for you. I fall in love hard and I fall in love fast. I expect loyalty, I expect you not to cheat physically or emotionally (this means texting and messaging female friends and flirting with them "harmlessly" or inappropriately if you don't understand what I mean by 'emotionally') and I give too many chances when you screw up. I'm not perfect but I'm loyal. I've never cheated on anyone that I'm with, I don't flirt with my guy friends, I tell people when I'm in a relationship, I will willingly introduce you to every single one of my guy friends, and I tell you when I've talked to them, and I try really hard not to do anything "sketchy".
The thing is, I do screw up and I do end up doing sketchy things because I, like most everyone, have been hurt at some point in time in past relationships. My fault is that I carry that pain and my trust issues to my next relationship and as hard as I try, I always seem to have trust issues. I check text messages and I look at whatever photos you've liked or commented on online without asking. Okay...so, if you don't have anything to hide, you also shouldn't care and by the way, here's my phone. Feel free to look at that whenever you want because I'm not hiding anything. So, after bumps in our relationship, trust issues, and countless arguments about why I couldn't be added as a friend to a Facebook page, my insecurities won out. I didn't trust my boyfriend and I KNEW two things. I KNEW he wasn't in love with me (I was just terrified to bring it up) and I KNEW we weren't going to make it for the long haul (despite conversations about having a future together). After an argument on the 28th about something stupid I ended up asking the dreaded question..."are you even in love with me?" ... Silence ... "Really? Do you want to have that conversation right now?!" Well, okay...so I backed down, hung up, got upset, waited a few hours...and called back. "Yes, actually. Yes, I do want to have that conversation. It needs to be had. Are you in love with me". I got my answer. If I didn't want to break-up, I shouldn't have asked. Because once someone admits to not being in love with you and telling you that they've tried to love you for a long time but nothing has changed for them...that's IT. You can't really go back from that. You can't just blow that off. So that was it. I ended it, I hung up sobbing and I surely didn't sleep that night.
Fast forward a few weeks, a few phone conversations, COUNTLESS text messages on my part that ranged from "I'm so sorry" and "I miss you" to "I just don't understand why you won't talk to me!" and "What the hell is your problem?!". I can't pinpoint when the dreaded "D" word hit me...maybe it was a slow progression from that night that I ended things. But I do know that I did start to feel "crazy". Frantically checking Facebook "likes" and comments, trying to figure out if he was seeing someone, worrying myself sick about what he was doing, and God forbid, the times he did answer me, worrying myself that HE wasn't doing okay...the fact that he said he did miss me and what did that mean? Or the fact that he was sick...was there anyone to take care of him?! Listen...you KNOW when something isn't right...you can FEEL it in your gut. You have intuition for a reason. For God's sake...USE IT. I'm mostly saying this so that I can remember it myself. My texts, my calls, my pleas for him to just show me for one second that he cared for me went unanswered for a few weeks. I called 6 or 7 times in a row because I knew he would answer then. Yesterday...I think I called 5 or 6. I wanted to hear his voice one last time before I knew I made it known that I needed help. I thought maybe he would care enough to answer the phone if he heard my desperation on voicemail. He did...20 some odd minutes later when it was too late. I didn't answer and you know what? He left a voicemail. The last few words were "well, you didn't pick up but I tried". The same words were left on a voicemail the day before that after I'd sent him an email a day prior asking him to please answer some questions I had because it would help me to move on if I had closure about why certain things happened and if I knew he was seeing someone else, why he was ignoring me, etc. He called AFTER I freaked out via text message and after I found out he had met someone new a couple weeks earlier.
Let me go on record to say that if you don't want information, don't look for it. I don't REALLY want to know that the person that I'm in love with is seeing someone or has met someone new. I'm automatically going to assume the worst when after years of having no social media accounts, one suddenly was made with a goofy profile picture (from a person that NEVER takes selfies) and only has one random female that I've never heard of under the list of people that are associated with. Duh. So yeah, I shouldn't have been digging around. I should have been concentrating on ME and MY LIFE. But...that did it. It broke me. It explained why I was being ignored. And I couldn't handle it because...I'm still in love with him. I miss him. I don't know why. Everyone that's holding me up right now sees it. At certain moments during the day, I see it. But I have to fight like hell to see it. Because here's what I see: I see the goofy guy that tickled me at night before we would fall asleep. I see my travel buddy and my concert buddy. I see the guy that I told EVERYTHING to. The person that could make me laugh when I was feeling really down. The list goes on...
The list goes on even know I also KNOW that I felt like I couldn't be myself in this relationship. I couldn't be the colorful, bright, slightly oddball person that I've ALWAYS been. The person that likes tattoos, likes to dye my hair fun colors, and who has a stupidly expensive obsession with insane printed leggings and dresses. I felt like being just a stay at home mom wasn't good enough because he had an important college degree and was working on a big career and knew "important" people that were stereotypically successful. And yet...I love him. I'm jealous that he's made a new "friend" in the last couple weeks and I consistently imagine her taking my place with him and doing the same things that we did that were special. I can't listen to our songs, I can't go to the places we went to, ...even driving through a city tonight where we visited and had a great time HURTS. There's a huge hole in my heart and more than a few times a day I feel rejected and not good enough. I ask myself why I got tattoos and why I can't have long brown hair and dress conservatively because that's his type. I scold myself for missing him but here's the thing...I don't WANT to be sitting here writing this. I don't WANT to miss him, I don't WANT to cry at the drop of a hat, and I WANT to move on. But right now, I literally CAN'T. I have a few very close friends that have carried me through the last couple of days. From morning until evening and even now...at 11pm they're waiting for me to text them to tell them that I'm okay...that I'm alive and I'm going to make through the night.
It's going to take awhile to get back to myself. I've found a haven in the gym...I have a love/hate relationship with running and I do it three times a week until I can't do it anymore. Twice a week a run a mile before having a personal training session that exhausts me. Exercising shuts my brain off for awhile. I'm also taking classes to be a personal trainer so I look forward to that once a week.
The nights are always the hardest. Things quiet down and my brain starts up.
Yesterday was easily the hardest day of my life and today wasn't great but it was better than yesterday. I played two songs constantly on repeat today. Kelly Clarkson's "People Like us" and Mary Lambert's "Secrets". The first I feel was written for me at this moment. The second because I want the world to know what the "D" word feels like. I NEVER in a million years thought I'd be here and would have to face this. It's the type of thing you hear about over and over in your life and you don't actually give it thought until it's staring you in the face screaming at you. And unless you're actually dealing with it, you can't even begin to imagine how that person feels or what they're thinking. After all, on the outside, they're 31 and they have a good life...
For now, I've decided to update this as much as I can. Probably everyday to start with and I'm sure as things progress it'll drift off. But it will never be forgotten. I do want to include the things that made me happy today as well as the "moments" I had. It's good to see that most of the time, the good outweighs the bad. And after that, I'm going to text the people that are making sure I'm alive and I'm going to try to get some desperately needed sleep.
**For anyone that wants to know, I AM getting professional help beginning next week as well...I have an amazing mother that knows wonderful counselors that specialize in women's trauma and loss**
Things that made me happy today:
1) The snuggles from my 2 adorable dogs when I woke up. The love that they give me everyday without fail makes me happy.
2) The fact that when I woke up, I had 2 text messages asking how I was feeling (genuinely asking...not just like you ask someone in passing at the grocery store...these people care and they're okay with hearing me ramble about my feelings).
3) I got to pick my daughter up early from school today because we are running a 5K together tomorrow and I love how excited she is to spend time with me
4) I made an adorable little girl grin from ear to ear today because she was on the back of a school bus and was trying to get people to wave at her. So I waved.
5) Room service at our hotel. I love food. I always have. End of story.
6) The fact that I'm writing all of this down. I wasn't going to but I really just have way too many thoughts spinning around in my mind to not put them down somewhere.
Things that made me upset today:
1) Seeing a gift that my ex gave me on my counter and not knowing whether to take it down or leave it up because I consistently use it. I didn't cry but I did get a very harsh punched in the chest feeling.
2) My physical therapist asked me what I was doing this weekend and when I told her I was traveling to the city for the 5K she asked if I was seeing my ex. I cried. Right in the middle of the room, broke down.
3) I just MISSED him. A lot. And I wondered if he cares or thinks about me or wonders what I'm doing...About 30 minutes after the PT incident I was in a grocery store parking lot in my car and I broke down again, sobbing.
4) On our drive into the city I started seeing places that we ALWAYS went together and started thinking about the things I could never really find anybody to do with me that would be the same...so I cried again.
5) Tonight after my daughter went to bed everything was very quiet. I felt lonely so I DIDN'T cry...I instead took a hot bath with amazing eucalyptus bath salts and curled up with a good book while I thought about starting a blog...
So...I'm actually going to do this. Blogging. I've seen people do it, I've read about it, I have friends that do it...so let's try it out. I'm sure there will be typo's and grammatical errors because I already know that I have a lot to say and I'm not going to want to proof read it when I'm done.
I imagine it will read more like I'm talking out loud to myself so if whoever reads this can imagine it that way, it will probably come across better. But, all said, I'm not writing for anyone else. I'm writing because I don't have a large enough piece of paper in front of me that will hold all of the thoughts that have been flying around in my head lately.
Me? I'm 31, I have a daughter, 2 dogs, I'm a single, stay at home mom, and I have a good life. Really, I do. I live in a great neighborhood, I have amazing friends and family, I have hobbies that keep me busy, I'm in shape and have finally gotten to a place in my life where I love my body and I actually think I look good. So how did I get to this point where I'm sitting here blogging? Question of the day. No, that's probably going to be the question of my life. A friend told me yesterday that I shouldn't ask myself that. I should just look forward and see where I want to be. Valid point, well received, I'll try that. As soon as I'm able to.
You see, I'm fighting a battle. I think I described it today to a friend perfectly. My battle is a giant tsunami that crashed in on my world unexpectedly in the last few days actually. Well, if I'm being honest, I've probably been trying to deal with it for awhile but yesterday, I OWNED IT. I owned the fact that I feel like every second of everyday I'm in a huge mass of water and I'm trying to get to the top but something or someone is pulling on my legs. I'm fighting to keep my head above water. I have depression. Wow. I've said it over and over in my head in the last 2 days and yet, it looks very...not correct...written out. Just to see it there...I feel like it's staring at me and pops out on the paper as if it's highlighted and in bold and yet...it's not. Well, I still own it. It's mine. And I'm going to deal with it, face it, and send it packing. But first, how did I get here?
I'm 31...I have a good life...
This was the first thought that crossed my mind yesterday morning as I lay crumpled in a heap, unshowered, wrenching over my toilet, with a sharp object in my hand and bits of blood coming from my left arm. As I panicked and called for help I knew I didn't want to be there. I KNEW I had to face what I was feeling because I absolutely didn't want my good life to end.
You know, just weeks ago I had a Facebook discussion about suicide with some friends. I've never thoroughly thought about all the reasons someone would have to end their own life. I've never thought it was a selfish act though - I've always taken the view that it's a cry for help. The person just wants the world to hear them. Yesterday, I learned first hand why someone might want to take themselves out of the world. And guess what? There were no thoughts of what my family or friends might feel. NONE. Selfish? Maybe. But I can promise you that the ONLY thought going through my head was this: "Just make the pain that my heart feels stop. I don't want to be hurt anymore, I don't want to feel like there's a hole in my chest, I want to stop crying and feeling sad all the time. Just make the pain STOP".
Physical pain is a funny thing (and by funny I don't mean haha, I mean ironic). I hate needles. I despise getting my blood drawn and getting shots and all of that. But I have 11 tattoos. And I love them. And I will continue to get them. My latest one is in Shakespeare's handwriting and is on my ribcage. It says "...And though she be but little, she is fierce". I stand by that. I am fierce. As a good friend reminded me the other day "I'm good enough. I'm smart enough. And doggon it. People like me". True story. Anyway, back to what I was saying about physical pain. The needles, the tattoos...and sharp objects used to harm oneself. Physical pain is funny. You can be so aware of it at some points in your life and at other points, you're aware of it but you don't care. THAT is how I felt yesterday. I knew it was there and that it was hurting me but I didn't care. It overtook whatever emotional pain I had in my heart and got rid of it for those few minutes and that's all that mattered. Today I looked at what I had done, and I couldn't fully remember doing it. I remember hopelessness and pain.
So again...how did I get here? One word: Break-up. Seems pretty simple. Mostly harmless. Most people break up with whoever they've been dating, cry, maybe indulge in ice-cream...you know the stereotypical breakup. And they move on. They go about their daily lives and they start the dating process all over again.
I broke up with my boyfriend of almost 2 years the evening of September 28th via phone (he was away at school for a few months). I didn't give him any warning so I know he was shocked, hurt, etc. The thing is, I didn't mean to hurt him. I thought if we took a break, took some time apart, maybe he would realize that he loved me. I knew I loved him from the second week that I knew him. Crazy right? He would say so (he said I was crazy a lot over the years come to think of it). So, almost 2 years into a relationship, I JUST wanted to hear the words "I love you". I wanted to be introduced to family, invited home when he went to visit for the holidays, added to his Facebook page as a friend, have him post pictures of the many places we traveled to together...I wanted him to SHOW that he was happy with me because he didn't do those things. Not everyone processes love the same way, I understand that. Some people don't like PDA, some people tell all their friends everything, etc. etc. I'm the type that loves affection. If I'm with you and I'm happy, I want the world to know. I want everyone to know that you're mine, that I'm proud of you, and hands off because I'm with you. I'm NOT perfect. I'm jealous, I'm insecure, I need to know you love me and think I'm beautiful. Welcome to reality and being human I guess. But, I am a good girlfriend. I will listen to you, offer advice, defend you, comfort you, and generally bend over backwards for you. I fall in love hard and I fall in love fast. I expect loyalty, I expect you not to cheat physically or emotionally (this means texting and messaging female friends and flirting with them "harmlessly" or inappropriately if you don't understand what I mean by 'emotionally') and I give too many chances when you screw up. I'm not perfect but I'm loyal. I've never cheated on anyone that I'm with, I don't flirt with my guy friends, I tell people when I'm in a relationship, I will willingly introduce you to every single one of my guy friends, and I tell you when I've talked to them, and I try really hard not to do anything "sketchy".
The thing is, I do screw up and I do end up doing sketchy things because I, like most everyone, have been hurt at some point in time in past relationships. My fault is that I carry that pain and my trust issues to my next relationship and as hard as I try, I always seem to have trust issues. I check text messages and I look at whatever photos you've liked or commented on online without asking. Okay...so, if you don't have anything to hide, you also shouldn't care and by the way, here's my phone. Feel free to look at that whenever you want because I'm not hiding anything. So, after bumps in our relationship, trust issues, and countless arguments about why I couldn't be added as a friend to a Facebook page, my insecurities won out. I didn't trust my boyfriend and I KNEW two things. I KNEW he wasn't in love with me (I was just terrified to bring it up) and I KNEW we weren't going to make it for the long haul (despite conversations about having a future together). After an argument on the 28th about something stupid I ended up asking the dreaded question..."are you even in love with me?" ... Silence ... "Really? Do you want to have that conversation right now?!" Well, okay...so I backed down, hung up, got upset, waited a few hours...and called back. "Yes, actually. Yes, I do want to have that conversation. It needs to be had. Are you in love with me". I got my answer. If I didn't want to break-up, I shouldn't have asked. Because once someone admits to not being in love with you and telling you that they've tried to love you for a long time but nothing has changed for them...that's IT. You can't really go back from that. You can't just blow that off. So that was it. I ended it, I hung up sobbing and I surely didn't sleep that night.
Fast forward a few weeks, a few phone conversations, COUNTLESS text messages on my part that ranged from "I'm so sorry" and "I miss you" to "I just don't understand why you won't talk to me!" and "What the hell is your problem?!". I can't pinpoint when the dreaded "D" word hit me...maybe it was a slow progression from that night that I ended things. But I do know that I did start to feel "crazy". Frantically checking Facebook "likes" and comments, trying to figure out if he was seeing someone, worrying myself sick about what he was doing, and God forbid, the times he did answer me, worrying myself that HE wasn't doing okay...the fact that he said he did miss me and what did that mean? Or the fact that he was sick...was there anyone to take care of him?! Listen...you KNOW when something isn't right...you can FEEL it in your gut. You have intuition for a reason. For God's sake...USE IT. I'm mostly saying this so that I can remember it myself. My texts, my calls, my pleas for him to just show me for one second that he cared for me went unanswered for a few weeks. I called 6 or 7 times in a row because I knew he would answer then. Yesterday...I think I called 5 or 6. I wanted to hear his voice one last time before I knew I made it known that I needed help. I thought maybe he would care enough to answer the phone if he heard my desperation on voicemail. He did...20 some odd minutes later when it was too late. I didn't answer and you know what? He left a voicemail. The last few words were "well, you didn't pick up but I tried". The same words were left on a voicemail the day before that after I'd sent him an email a day prior asking him to please answer some questions I had because it would help me to move on if I had closure about why certain things happened and if I knew he was seeing someone else, why he was ignoring me, etc. He called AFTER I freaked out via text message and after I found out he had met someone new a couple weeks earlier.
Let me go on record to say that if you don't want information, don't look for it. I don't REALLY want to know that the person that I'm in love with is seeing someone or has met someone new. I'm automatically going to assume the worst when after years of having no social media accounts, one suddenly was made with a goofy profile picture (from a person that NEVER takes selfies) and only has one random female that I've never heard of under the list of people that are associated with. Duh. So yeah, I shouldn't have been digging around. I should have been concentrating on ME and MY LIFE. But...that did it. It broke me. It explained why I was being ignored. And I couldn't handle it because...I'm still in love with him. I miss him. I don't know why. Everyone that's holding me up right now sees it. At certain moments during the day, I see it. But I have to fight like hell to see it. Because here's what I see: I see the goofy guy that tickled me at night before we would fall asleep. I see my travel buddy and my concert buddy. I see the guy that I told EVERYTHING to. The person that could make me laugh when I was feeling really down. The list goes on...
The list goes on even know I also KNOW that I felt like I couldn't be myself in this relationship. I couldn't be the colorful, bright, slightly oddball person that I've ALWAYS been. The person that likes tattoos, likes to dye my hair fun colors, and who has a stupidly expensive obsession with insane printed leggings and dresses. I felt like being just a stay at home mom wasn't good enough because he had an important college degree and was working on a big career and knew "important" people that were stereotypically successful. And yet...I love him. I'm jealous that he's made a new "friend" in the last couple weeks and I consistently imagine her taking my place with him and doing the same things that we did that were special. I can't listen to our songs, I can't go to the places we went to, ...even driving through a city tonight where we visited and had a great time HURTS. There's a huge hole in my heart and more than a few times a day I feel rejected and not good enough. I ask myself why I got tattoos and why I can't have long brown hair and dress conservatively because that's his type. I scold myself for missing him but here's the thing...I don't WANT to be sitting here writing this. I don't WANT to miss him, I don't WANT to cry at the drop of a hat, and I WANT to move on. But right now, I literally CAN'T. I have a few very close friends that have carried me through the last couple of days. From morning until evening and even now...at 11pm they're waiting for me to text them to tell them that I'm okay...that I'm alive and I'm going to make through the night.
It's going to take awhile to get back to myself. I've found a haven in the gym...I have a love/hate relationship with running and I do it three times a week until I can't do it anymore. Twice a week a run a mile before having a personal training session that exhausts me. Exercising shuts my brain off for awhile. I'm also taking classes to be a personal trainer so I look forward to that once a week.
The nights are always the hardest. Things quiet down and my brain starts up.
Yesterday was easily the hardest day of my life and today wasn't great but it was better than yesterday. I played two songs constantly on repeat today. Kelly Clarkson's "People Like us" and Mary Lambert's "Secrets". The first I feel was written for me at this moment. The second because I want the world to know what the "D" word feels like. I NEVER in a million years thought I'd be here and would have to face this. It's the type of thing you hear about over and over in your life and you don't actually give it thought until it's staring you in the face screaming at you. And unless you're actually dealing with it, you can't even begin to imagine how that person feels or what they're thinking. After all, on the outside, they're 31 and they have a good life...
For now, I've decided to update this as much as I can. Probably everyday to start with and I'm sure as things progress it'll drift off. But it will never be forgotten. I do want to include the things that made me happy today as well as the "moments" I had. It's good to see that most of the time, the good outweighs the bad. And after that, I'm going to text the people that are making sure I'm alive and I'm going to try to get some desperately needed sleep.
**For anyone that wants to know, I AM getting professional help beginning next week as well...I have an amazing mother that knows wonderful counselors that specialize in women's trauma and loss**
Things that made me happy today:
1) The snuggles from my 2 adorable dogs when I woke up. The love that they give me everyday without fail makes me happy.
2) The fact that when I woke up, I had 2 text messages asking how I was feeling (genuinely asking...not just like you ask someone in passing at the grocery store...these people care and they're okay with hearing me ramble about my feelings).
3) I got to pick my daughter up early from school today because we are running a 5K together tomorrow and I love how excited she is to spend time with me
4) I made an adorable little girl grin from ear to ear today because she was on the back of a school bus and was trying to get people to wave at her. So I waved.
5) Room service at our hotel. I love food. I always have. End of story.
6) The fact that I'm writing all of this down. I wasn't going to but I really just have way too many thoughts spinning around in my mind to not put them down somewhere.
Things that made me upset today:
1) Seeing a gift that my ex gave me on my counter and not knowing whether to take it down or leave it up because I consistently use it. I didn't cry but I did get a very harsh punched in the chest feeling.
2) My physical therapist asked me what I was doing this weekend and when I told her I was traveling to the city for the 5K she asked if I was seeing my ex. I cried. Right in the middle of the room, broke down.
3) I just MISSED him. A lot. And I wondered if he cares or thinks about me or wonders what I'm doing...About 30 minutes after the PT incident I was in a grocery store parking lot in my car and I broke down again, sobbing.
4) On our drive into the city I started seeing places that we ALWAYS went together and started thinking about the things I could never really find anybody to do with me that would be the same...so I cried again.
5) Tonight after my daughter went to bed everything was very quiet. I felt lonely so I DIDN'T cry...I instead took a hot bath with amazing eucalyptus bath salts and curled up with a good book while I thought about starting a blog...
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