12/29/14 Responding with Silence

I'm just going to get straight to the point.  I didn't post yesterday because I was having a really good day and part way through, someone intentionally did something really despicable to hurt me emotionally.

As humans, we naturally have the fight or flight response to things that happen to us.  Most of the time, the fight or flight instinct is applied to physical confrontations.  Emotionally, we either deal with what has happened, or we push it away so we don't have to worry with it.  

I went to see my therapist today and discussed with her the fact that someone (I WILL keep this person nameless but they KNOW who they are) decided to send me a very random Facebook message which was a photo of my ex and his new girlfriend.  

Now, first of all, I want to just say to my ex..."just friends" my ass.  Complete and utter BS.  But that's not my point right now and I'll leave that alone for the time being.  

Secondly, this message was HEINOUS.  I've minded my own business and have stuck to my own ways of dealing with this that ARE healthy and do NOT hurt anyone.  I'm not sure what the point in sending this message was but tying in to the fight or flight response statement:  I fought in my own way.  By responding with NOTHING.  Trust me, my first instinct was to respond with words and phrases that would shock a sailor along with name calling and everything else in the book.  BUT I DIDN'T.  I deleted the message.  

Why?  Why do that and not respond?  Well, after I had a good cry (seriously, how out of the blue this was would make anyone falter for a minute) I got REALLY angry.  So I texted a couple people about the situation and their response was the one that I had as well.  What is the point of something like this?  It benefits absolutely no one and if you are that low of a person to want to intentionally hurt someone else in that manner, just remember that Dharma is truly a BITCH in itself.  So, my anger let to me beating up the wave master that's now in my basement.  I'm pretty sure I gave it a good run for it's money.  I will most definitely have this person in mind at Krav class in the upcoming weeks.  So back to my question...why not respond?  The answer?  Because it truly cannot benefit me in any healthy manner to do so.  There's no step forward that I'd be making in the book of progress and all I would do is end up setting myself up for a bunch of unneeded drama.  

I did think about texting my ex about it but I immediately decided that he wouldn't believe me anyway.  I will also say that the actions of this person made me momentarily spiral into a few thoughts about the timeline of when my ex met this new girlfriend and how she's on his Facebook and has probably met his friends, his family, etc.  Do I think he cheated on me with her?  Yeah.  The times just don't add up.  Do I care that he added her to his Facebook after just a couple weeks after he told me he would never add me bc he doesn't add people he dates along with a million other excuses?  Not particularly.  It's kind of a shitty thing to think that I'm so easily replaceable to him but that just means that he never cared in the first place the way I see it.  

Again...DHARMA.  If You cheat, you lie, you steal, you're hateful, etc. etc....you get what you put out in the universe.  I've experienced it enough myself to believe that the universe is balanced out perfectly and will continue to keep that balance.  

I also don't think that relationship hopping (or being like a monkey swinging from branch to branch) is beneficial to anyone's healing process & isn't going to help anyone find what they're looking for in life (especially when they've specifically told you "I'm not really for a relationship, I don't have love to give") but that's none of my business.  

So...therapy...I love my therapist.  Her first reaction was the same as well "What a bitch thing to do!!"  No kidding.  To the person who decided to be a total jerk to me, if you happen to come across this post, just know that I'm still here.  I'm still standing.  And I hope you feel better for being an asshat.  

I've continued on my path today.  Small rocks might make me stumble but I WILL pick myself up and keep walking.  Today has been extremely beneficial for me.  I made my New Year's Eve plans, I got together a list of runs I want to do in 2015, I rocked my training session by upping some upper body weights, and I saw some really good looking young guys at the grocery store today that made me smile.  :)  Oh, and I had a Kombucha which was delicious.  

So I really hope that drama and BS decides to keep itself at bay in the next few weeks and that I won't have much to report except for good things.  

Here's to a drama free 2015.  Cheers.

*** update:  I changed the words used in this post.  Karma is widely used improperly.  I did a lot of research on various info this weekend and Dharma is the "you get what you deserve", "what goes around comes around" that everyone always speaks of.  Karma is actually the path of life that everyone was born into.  

12/27/14 Highlights, Lessons, Goals, & A Letter to My Ex...Oh My

Wow.  So 2014 is almost gone and 2015 is waiting in the wings.  So. CRAZY.  The thing about time is that individual moments seem to go by slowly a lot of times but when we step back and look at time as a whole, it flies.  Whether you're ready or not, it'll pass you by and before you know it, it's the end of a year.

While I was on a plane yesterday coming back from my week in the Caribbean (phenomenal by the way), I was thinking about what I've learned this year, what my predictions for the year had been during last Christmas, and what I'm looking forward to in 2015.  I also came back from my vacation with a renewed spirit, cleared mind, and a resolve to better myself and leave 2014 IN 2014.

So, I did what I do best, I made a list and divided it into different sections.

My 2014 Highlights:

January: I got to take my daughter to her first concert.  Lady Antebellum is one of my favorite bands & I've seen them at least 6 times so it was a joy to see her face & reactions.  We had a meet & greet with them, they invited her to dance with them, & video taped her for their website.

February: I got to go to the Superbowl in NJ & spend a few days in NYC as well.  I love the city.  To be there for such a huge event was really cool.

Also got a second meet & greet with Lady A at another concert

March: I got my state license for Nail Artistry.  Woohoo!

June: Crossed Niagara Falls off my bucket list.  On a whim I decided to fly me & my daughter up for a long weekend.  The Canadian side is GORGEOUS.

July: Spent a few days in South Beach/Miami.  I'd never been before and went for the 4th of July.  Fireworks on the beach were amazing & experiencing Miami was definitely....different.  But the beaches are beautiful!
Spent 5 days at Disney World with my best friend.  She & I hadn't gotten to have a girls trip in a couple years so it was fabulous just to have fun with her.

August:  My 2nd vacation with my cousin.  We brought our families to OBX for a week.  I love her kids :)

Also spent a week in FL with my mom & daughter

September: Got to see Aerosmith in Concert with SLASH.  Yes, THE Slash from Guns N Roses.  His hair was fabulous.

November: I wrapped up my Personal Training Certification class & am about ready to take my official test

December: Watched my mom & daughter get their first degree black belts that they've been working toward for a couple years.

Went on Disney cruise to Cozumel & Castaway Cay, Bahamas!  PHENOMENAL.

Also included in this compiled list is a couple of 5K's I ran (one with my daughter which was really cool), an increased mile time (knocked off a minute and 30 seconds) and new personal bests at the gym with weight lifting.

Things I've learned this year?

Despite the fact that your daughter's father has lived in a different state for 7 years, don't try crossing the Canadian border without a notarized form signed by him saying he knows you're not kidnapping your daughter and you're only taking her on vacation.  Border officials take their jobs seriously.

Don't take yoga pants & sneakers to Miami Beach & expect that you'll fit in at any time during the day or night.  Always have a  bikini & stilettos on hand.

Don't go to OBX for a week and rent a house that's less than 1/2 a mile from Duck Donuts & expect that you'll actually not have donuts.

More serious lessons I've learned this year?

Save a piece of your heart when you're in a relationship because if you give up everything and you find out the other person doesn't love you back, trying to rebuild every piece of your heart is a real bitch.  If you save a piece of it, at least you won't fight to rebuild the foundation over again.

Your friends really can literally save your life, no matter how far away they live.

It's okay to ask for help.  So cliche but something that's extremely hard to do when you need it most.

Crying is not a weakness.  It's a way to let go & find clarity.

Depression is no joke.  It can pummel you in an instant & leave you so dumbfounded that you don't know which way is up.

Don't think you're going to make everyone in life happy.  It's okay to compromise but if you're trying to please everyone you're going to eventually lose track of yourself.

Take care of yourself.  Physically.  Emotionally.  Put yourself first because nobody else is going to do it.

Follow your gut.  You may not want to believe what you know to be true but if you follow your instincts from the beginning, it'll save a lot of time later.

Some things I want to accomplish in 2015:

1)More travel!  I love to travel & already have a couple things planned for the beginning of the year.
2) Continue to rebuild my foundation but make it stronger than it was before.
3) Run a couple of 5K's and increase those to 10K's.
4) Get my credit card paid off.
5) Build more muscle!  I've done great things this year despite a few injuries & I want to beat my personal bests that I set for this year.
6) Start looking at personal training job opportunities.
7) Excel at my Krav Maga classes & continue to the intermediate level (without shredding my shoulders)
8) Make new friends/new travel buddies
9) Leave the negative from 2014 IN 2014.  Only take the positive things & good memories with me.
10) Pay more attention to the small things that matter the most.
11) Smile/laugh more.

Last but not least...A LETTER TO MY EX...

Dear Ex-boyfriend,

I've thought long & hard about what I want to say to you.  Tomorrow will be 3 months we've been apart.  It feels MUCH longer.  Some days have flown by and others...phew.  Let me tell you, some days have been longest days of my life but here lately, I'm GOOD.  I'm moving on & smiling & I feel like the old me.  I don't know what the "proper" healing time is when dealing with a breakup, depression, etc. but I'm hopeful that I'm about back to "normal".  When I broke up with you, I didn't expect it would effect me in the hugely negative way that it did.  I didn't expect to be hit with depression and I didn't expect to be in a position where I needed therapy and had to put my life and my heart back together one hour at a time.  I didn't expect that you'd move on within weeks to someone else and cross me off your list with a silent treatment that could rival any woman that has been scorned.  Whether it be to make yourself think that you were letting me go & you would hurt me less or if it was just because you wanted me totally out of your life, I'm still not sure what your goal was with that but it doesn't benefit me to sit and ask myself that question.

I'm not sure what you've told your friends and family members.  Part of me knows that if it's anything like what you told me about your exes and your ex wife, then I'm thoroughly crazy and out of my mind.  Trust me, there are some days when even I believed that to be true but I know now that it's not.  I left you because I asked you to tell me the truth about how you felt...and you did.  I knew you would.  Part of me hoped you would tell me you loved me...But I also knew that we couldn't continue on 2 different pages.  You weren't present in our relationship.  You know that song "The Motions" by Matthew West that you always changed when it played?  It was like that...you'd call, text, spend time with me, etc. but there was no emotion in your actions.  There was no heart.  I felt like an obligation and someone that you just depended on to talk to when it was convenient for you.  When you had a bad day I was there to listen or when you needed to vent, you'd call.  After over a year and 1/2 together, I just wanted YOU.  I believe you know that.  For you to tell me that you loved me was the one thing I would have taken over absolutely anything that we did together.  When you wrote the word "Love" signed before your name on my birthday card for the first time this year, I was ecstatic.  You put up a good front, but in the end, I saw through it because I'm an emotional creature by nature.  Just acting isn't good enough.  I'm not saying this is your fault or making myself out to be a victim.  I'm telling you why I left, plain and simple.

Despite all this, I owe you a thank you.  For showing me that I can stand on my own two feet, love myself better than anyone else can, and that I can LIVE through the worst moments of my life.  Breaking up with you was the worst things I've ever had to do but it brought me strength that I never knew that I had and I know that I'm okay now.  Thank you for memories of the tons of good times that we had together - and there really were more than I can count.  I look forward to finding someone that truly loves me back the way that I love them because everyone deserves that in life.  If you've found that already, then I suppose that's the way things are meant to be.  Just please don't go around leading people on for years.  It's not fair to them if you're trying to figure out your life and what you want and where you want to be.

So, thank you for all the good times.  I'll carry them with me into the New Year as we both move on to a new chapter in our lives.

HERE'S TO STARTING OVER WITH A NEW, STRONGER FOUNDATION.

CHEERS.

12/20/14 Long Days, Happy Lives

What's your average length of your day?  10-12 hours?  Maybe a bit longer?.  I usually wake up at 5:45am and try to crash by 10:00pm.  Right around a solid 15 hour day and lately I haven't been falling asleep until around 11:30-midnight.  Yesterday I thought my head was going to explode.  Quite literally to be honest.  I didn't sleep well at all and ended up only getting about 4 hours of sleep and ended up with a migraine because my shoulders were feeling horrible.  The day seemed to go on forever even though I was nothing but insanely busy all day.  I was trying to finish errands, pack, catch up on appointments, finish wrapping gifts, etc etc.  I was supposed to have a training session and ended up canceling because my headache was so horrible and my shoulders just wouldn't let up.  For anyone that doesn't get what I'm talking about with my shoulders:  I had part of a bone shaved down and a ligament sewn up with my rotator cuff being cleaned around back in late July and still haven't fully recovered.  My left shoulder has the same issue but I'm trying to prolong surgery as much as possible.

Anyway, so last night was another restless night and I got up at 545 am (yes I'm aware it's saturday).  My daughter & mom had their black belt graduation today and I was so SO proud to see them rock out their performances!  They both got their first degree belts.  I was happy that my cousin came to join me as a spectator as well.  She brought her 2 kids - so adorable.  I love them to pieces.  It was generally great to see everyone today, great food afterwards as well.  I've finally (as of about 15 min ago) finished packing but I have to get up at 4am since we have to be at the airport at 6am.  I'm really looking forward to this vacation!!!!  Ironically enough, I'm not dreading Christmas, I'm not currently missing anyone, I'm not lonely, and I've had a great day!!  I won't have Internet access until after Christmas so this will probably be my last post until then.  Whoever reads this, I hope you have a great Christmas and you get to spend it with friends & family.

I'm going to be keeping a journal while Im away & will post what I wrote when I get back.
Here's to a memorable, joyful, and generally kick ass Christmas break!  Cheers!

12/18/14 Life's Little Annoyances

Today has definitely been bearable.  I woke up 30 minutes before my alarm went off (hey, 5:15am how's it going?) but was in a good mood, energetic, etc.  You know how sometimes it's just the little things in life that get to you and you eventually want to scream because things build up and build up?
That was my morning.

My nose ring somehow slipped out during the night and closed partially up so I had to take the time to re-pierce it this morning.  Didn't have time for breakfast because I wanted to make sure my daughter was on time for school.
Extremely slow drivers.
Got a really large splinter in the palm of my hand.
You know, just little things that have tried to frustrate me all day.  I've been pretty good about just blowing that stuff off though and being productive.  However, I was wrapping some Christmas gifts earlier & I opened 2 boxes that had come in the mail about a week ago.  I didn't open them then because I thought they were just stuff I had ordered for Christmas & I wasn't ready to wrap anything yet so I left them alone.  Turns out, they were gifts from the watch Boutique where my ex and I got our matching watches in the summer.  Heeeeey, thanks for kicking me in the gut.  The boxes were gorgeous, the gifts were really nice...and there were 2.  SIGH.  Okay...so let me take a second and really just chill out because although I wasn't UPSET, I felt my blood pressure go up quickly.

It has taken HOURS for me to mellow out from that.  HOURS for the anger to dissipate.  If I step back and look at the situation, I know I'm not angry at the boutique for sending the gifts.  It was actually a really thoughtful gesture and they most certainly wouldn't know that my ex is a...well, there's too many words to choose from that I'm feeling right now so insert whichever one comes to mind first.  They definitely would have no way of knowing we aren't together anymore.  So where's the anger coming from?  Mmm...I'd say it's stemming from having the whole situation brought to the surface again when I was feeling okay.  I actually had a clear head & was focused on what needed to get done & BAM!  Out of nowhere hit by such randomness.
Alas, I'm thankful that 35 minutes later I had to be a Krav class because that helped a very small amount to re-focus my thoughts and release some frustration.  Surprisingly, I'm feeling pretty chilled out now but since I have to go out later, I'll probably go put in a couple miles at the gym.
I just think that life tends to have a way of throwing you off but it might be for  the sole purpose of making you stop & make sure you've got yourself together.  It's like saying "Hey, I know you think you're doing okay but you need to hang on for a sec and really make sure you're super focused because if you don't, anything can mess with your head and throw you off".  No kidding.  Point taken.

So, I've relaxed for a little bit of time & have to finish cleaning my house and wrapping gifts.  And I need to pack because our vacation is only a couple days away!!!
So here's to life's little annoyances that really can teach us larger lessons if we stop to figure them out.   And here's to some sand & sun as a cure all!  Cheers!

12/16/14 Rain: Go Away & Take the Needy People With You

What a mess!  It's been pouring for hours and really shows no sign of stopping.  I'm of the mind I need to invest in a vitamin D lamp because so far this winter, we've only had a few really nice days that were acceptable in the "partly sunny" category.

Anyway, yesterday was so busy that Im not even going to file it under "whirlwind".  I'm filing it under tornado.  My dearest munchkin had a dental appointment and we found out she has to have 2 teeth pulled within the next few weeks.  Apparently she was born with minimal enamel on those teeth so they're just kind of taking on the properties of sand and chipping away.  Luckily, they're her kids molars and her 12 year molars should come in just fine after that.

Between errands and trying to get stuff organized for Christmas vacation, I didn't have time to breathe yesterday.  As soon as I got munchkin from school we had to go home, shower, and turn right back around to go back out because she had a concert at school.  Let me just say that I really enjoy seeing her and her classmates perform but the downfall of having a second grader is that they're close to the beginning of the concert. So there's about an hour and 1/2 of other people's kids that have to go after they do and by the time that hour and 1/2 is done, your butt is flat and your back is tired.  We never got home and got to bed until around 10ish so I'm thankful that I slept really well because 545am came extremely early.

I did have a head doctor appt yesterday and I was in a good place, just worn down from everything else going on.  She commented that I looked pretty tired.  Thankfully it wasn't depression related and I've been pretty okay on that front.  This weekend I had a few moments where I really was annoyed with myself because I kept wondering about the A/N football game, etc but I came out of it okay and started Monday off on a good note.  We did end up discussing how I always seem to support the people I'm with financially and emotionally as if they need "saving".  So my goal in the next 2 weeks (before my next appt) is to sit and make a list of how I've supported these people, what I thought Id gain from it, and what I actually gained from it.  Our goal in the end is to break a habit so I can be In a healthy relationship.  The problem I see is that you really don't get to know someone REALLY Well or find out if they're "needy" until a good while into the relationship.  I suppose that's where red flags come in as well as trusting your intuition.

Anyhow, so, on this rainy day, I'm thankful that I have a garage to pull in to at my house and I'm very thankful for waking up clear headed and refreshed and ready to tackle the rest of my ever growing to do list.  Cheers to that.

12/14/14 Rock it out

So, the continuation of yesterday's post was that my ex wouldn't leave my f**king brain all day.  Do you have any idea how irritating that is?  I suppose it's because I was wondering where he was, what he was doing, etc. bc of the game.  Same w/the morning when I woke up.  I'm not upset over it, just irritated and my heart doesn't hurt but it's very aggravated with impatience.  I truly want to get through a full day without thinking about what he's doing.

I did stay extremely busy yesterday which was good.  Munchkin had karate practice because of her upcoming graduation, we ran errands, and then relaxed for about an hour before joining some friends for dinner.  Dinner was extremely fun and it was just us girls so it was really great to just kick back and relax, laugh, etc.  I slept REALLY well last night which I'm so thankful for.

 Today my goal is to stay off the social media, focus on what needs to get done, & rock it out.  Also thinking about going ice skating in a few hours and we have a Birthday party as well this afternoon.  With any luck, the day will fly by and my brain will leave me in peace!

I talked to my head doc the other day about starting to date again because it seems that people everywhere think you need to jump from one relationship to the next (apparently my ex thinks the same thing).  From time to time I also think it would be a great distraction and would help me move on.  However, I'm not ready for another let down and I certainly don't want to use anybody as a rebound because that's just not acceptable.  I have someone that I like but thats where it's going to stay for now and I see it being more beneficial to develop that friendship first.  Besides, moving in the summer will present unforeseen opportunities and I don't want to tie those down at the moment.  Making myself a better, stronger person is what's going to count for the most right now and concentrating on only things that are beneficial to me is what matters.

So, lets start the day.  Meditation first.  Then food.  Then shower.  Then whatever else the universe wants to bring my way.  "Trust that the universe is working FOR you and WITH you." (Sanaya Roman)  Cheers.

12/13/14 Focus focus focus

Mmm...I'm pretty thoughtful this morning.  And hungry.  But I'll take care of that part in a bit.  I want to get this out so I can have an overall good day.  I skipped writing last night in leu of doing some sketching which was pretty awesome.  It's been a VERY long time since I opened the sketch book.  I forgot how relaxing it was.

I've slept really great for 2 nights and this morning, woke up smiling.  I don't remember what I was dreaming about but apparently it was good.  I'm still in a fair mood.  Just needing to revisit & revise the things I'm thinking about.

Today (says 1/2 the people on my news feed as well as my memory) is the annual Army/Navy Football Game.  I don't particularly care about football but here's how I see things.  When you're with someone, you try to be interested in it, or at the very least learn a little about it to show you care about the person you're with.  Over the time that I dated my ex, I tried learning a bit about football because he liked it, liked going to games, etc.  Heck, I liked going to games.  It was exciting.  Last year he was invited to go up to where the A/N game was being held by some friends of his.  I wanted to go because of voicemails I'd found on his phone from his mom's nurse saying she couldn't wait to meet him up there, etc. so you can imagine I was freaking out a little bit about the whole thing.  Whatever.  Anyway, he went, the weekend passed, etc etc.  I remember asking him a a couple months before I broke up with him, when he mentioned that his friend had gotten tickets again, if I could go with him this year.  He said that his friend's family had gotten tickets and didn't get an extra one.  I have a problem with this.  First of all, STILL not introducing me to friends after a year and 1/2 of dating.  Second of all, why not deny the ticket, get our own tickets, and then meet up with your friends up there?  Oh the red flags that were there but I chose to overlook even when I KNEW they were there.

I thought a couple times yesterday about texting him because I was thinking about this weekend.  I don't have a very strong will power but my therapist's voice rang loud and clear in my head.  "What benefit would that have to you?  And how would you feel if he doesn't answer you?  Because history says he not going to respond".  SO TRUE.  I'm not putting myself through that.  I can't and I won't because I deserve better than to be ignored.

So, I've gotten the morning annoyance off my chest, I'm going to choose to look forward and not backwards, and it's going to be a good day.  This all leads to the perfect saying:

"Everyday is a new beginning.  Treat it that way.  Stay away from what might have been, and look at what can be".  Cheers.

12/11/14 A Day of Normalcy

Despite falling asleep late and waking up at 3:40am for an hour, I pushed through today which really consisted of running around as usual.  My appointments end up being so spread out throughout the day that I end up coming home to get stuff done in between them so my days are packed no matter what.  Training days are worse because it really depends on what time my training is.

Anyway, so today I've been tired all day - mostly from the physical soreness of my shoulders constantly aching.  Krav was also today which ironically, wasn't painful a whole heck of a lot - I guess because I really was focused on what I was doing.  There were a couple times I had to back off a bit but such is life.  Work through it and ice later.  Or, just go stand outside because the bitter cold and wind will do the same thing as ice!

I finished a decent amount of stuff to get ready to leave for Christmas (vacation!!) but I still have a large amount to finish up.  I feel like once something gets crossed off my list, there's another thing to take its place.

Emotionally, today has been a really good day.  I've been focused on what needs to get done and there haven't really been any negative emotions to get in the way.

I'm greatly looking forward to relaxing this evening and tomorrow should be productive as well to finish out the week.  Not a whole lot interesting to say today but let me get back to my happy list while I'm thinking about it.

Things that made me happy today:
1) Waking up determined to get through today without being exhausted and lazy
2) Krav!  Great class, great teacher, great people
3) Getting a bunch of things knocked off my to do list

Here's to a restful night.  Cheers.

12/10/14 Reminders & Sighs of happy memories

Ever have one of those days where it seems you can't escape the past?  I woke up knowing today was going to be a bit tough.  Not to say I haven't gotten through the day or that I've cried or anything because I haven't.  But the has been a bit more focused on the past than it should have.  My ex was the first thing on my mind this morning.  "They" (whoever they are) say that the first person on your mind when you wake up is either the cause of your happiness or the cause of your pain.  I think today I'm sitting somewhere in between those two because I'm not happy with my ex (obviously) but I'm not in pain anymore either.  But he's definitely the cause of my thoughts today.

I can't remember what I was thinking about when I woke up but I do know that before we left the house I wondered if he ever thinks of me when he woke up too.   In the car, our song "Just A Fool" (Christina Aguilera & Blake Shelton) started on iTunes Radio and I HAD to change it.  Just had to.  We both loved that song & used to sing it as a duet together whenever it came on.  One of the best moments with that was driving to NYC for the SuperBowl last year & just BLARING it with both of us singing at the top of our lungs but with so much heart & emotion.  He had a gorgeous voice and I LOVED hearing him sing.  I really hope to be able to listen to that song again because I love Christina and that's one of my favorites that she does.  After that, "Stay" by Rhianna came on and my response was "REALLY?!  Cmon iTunes, you're killin' me..."

Errands, etc. etc....Cue thoughts about New Years.  Last year we spent New Year's in California at a hotel and attended a Great Gatsby themed party.  SO much fun dressing up.  Naturally I wondered what he's going to do this year.

Also thought about Valentine's Day...definitely not much on the "holiday" but the day after would have been our official 2 year mark.  Hopefully this year that day will pass and I won't actually give it a second thought or if I do, it won't matter all that much.  We'll see.

Today I miss the good times we had.  That's what I've been focused on and I don't think that's a negative thing, but right now I don't really want to be focused on anything having to even do with my ex.  I just want to have that fresh start & clean slate.

Fortunately, my other focus now is staying busy throughout the day and I've been seeing lots of friends lately for lunches and stuff like that.  Today my morning was thoroughly brightened by visiting my hair girl.  She had to fix a bit of my hair but her smile always brightens my day.  :)

I'm looking forward to Krav tomorrow morning and hopefully getting the house cleaned up and Christmas presents wrapped.  It seems like every year things get to be pushed more and more to the last minute!  Time is flying for sure.

I came across tho wonderful letter last night and it was very touching.  It's a letter from Anais Nin to Clementine von Radics and is encouraging and hopeful.  Here's to good memories that make you sigh with nothing but happiness when they're thought of and a bright future enveloped by loads of emotional growth and good energy.  Cheers.

"For women who are tied to the moon, love alone is not enough.  We insist each day wrap it's knuckles through our heart strings and pull.  The lows.  The joy.  The poetry.  We dance at the edge of a cliff, you have fallen off.  So it goes.  You will climb back up again.

You rare girl, once again, you have a body that belongs to no lover, to no father, belongs to no one but you.  Wear your sorrow like the lines on your palm.  Like a shawl to keep you warm at night.  Don't mourn the love that is lost to you now.  It is a book of poems whose meters worked their way into your pulse.  Even if it has slipped from your hands, it will stay in your body.

...You have your heart all to yourself again.  A heart like a stone cottage.  Heart like a lover's diary.  Hope like an ocean."

12/9/14 Flatlined? Hardly.

So...I skipped a day.  Wait, that sounds familiar.  :)  I started off writing because it was a way for me to get out all of my thoughts in one place without calling or texting or emailing my ex impulsively.  And an even better way to put down my thoughts so I could lose the urge to strangle him.  Some of that's still there but I'll get to that in a minute.  When I first started writing, I said I was going to write everyday.  I'm not sure that I need to do that because if I start cataloging every detail of my day, things are going to get really boring, really quickly.  So I'll just write when I need to.

Yesterday was a good day but the evening was incredibly frustrating in dealing with having to be the mean mommy.  I even got a "Ugh!  This is the worst night of my life!" out of my daughter.  I guess I'm doing something right, huh?  After coming home from a later karate practice, I had to repeat the same requests over and over and over again before my daughter would do what she was supposed to. Having to repeat myself drives me nuts so I got extremely frustrated.  Being frustrated = strict tone of voice and strict tone of voice = not happy daughter.  In the end, my daughter ended up putting herself to bed with no story time & no snuggle time with the understanding that she wasn't going to waste my time just because she didn't want to do what she was supposed to.  I envy grandparents because they get to spoil their grandkids and send them home.

Anyway, I had my weekly head doctor appointment today and that went well.  I didn't really have much to report which was kind of odd since things had been so up and down.  I was trying to explain that things have just been leveled out lately and I used the term "flatlined".  Things have been "flatlined and boring".  In a sense I guess that's true but what I meant was NO DRAMA.  NO MAJOR CRISIS EVERYDAY.  NO ROLLER COASTER EMOTIONS.

I'm really proud that I've gotten to this point but I'm just waiting for my emotions to change which is to be expected I guess.  I'm hesitant to talk about how good I've felt because I'm afraid it's going to suddenly change.  I wake up every morning and lay in bed looking around for a minute trying to figure out what I feel in that instant.  The only thing that I can really say is still sticking around is small moments of jealousy and a little bit of anger to go with it.  My head doc asked me what I'm angry about and I didn't answer right away.  I had to give it some thought.  Despite being the one to break up with my ex, I'm angry that he didn't tell me how he was feeling and that he let things go so far with us when he knew he wasn't in love with me.  I'm angry that he didn't care enough to answer my calls or texts because he was always saying that he cared about me and respected me.  MMMHMMM.  I'm calling BS on that one.  But, I suppose that too shall pass in full eventually and it's not as bad as it was.

I'm just entirely thankful that I've been able to wake up and be productive these past couple weeks.  I really hope that it continues but we will see.  The rest of my day today is to be spent studying as I've already run about as many errands as I can.  It's off to karate later and then an early bedtime because I'm really tired.  My lovely dogs were up and down most of the night for some reason or other so not much sleep was to be had.  As I type this, they are both napping.  Go figure.  :)

Here's to a great rest of the week.  Cheers.

12/7/14 Hair, there, and everywhere

So, I skipped a day.  Yesterday was such a long day for me that I got home & looked at the computer & then went to bed.  The karate academy didn't have class yesterday & instead had the black belt physical fitness test for those that are graduating at the end of the this month.  My daughter had already taken & passed her test but we decided to both do it yesterday for lack of anything else to do & because we both needed the exercise.  Cue cold, rainy, nasty day...

Both of us participated in the various exercises, both of us passed, and both of us ran the mile in the gross weather afterwards.  I can't even explain how cold we were after but feeling accomplished over rules that.

We didn't have time to even get home & grab a late lunch because we had to shower and be back in a neighboring town for a parade of lights.  We usually drive one of our local pageant competitors that's family in the parades and let me tell you, EVERYONE got wet from the rain at that point, especially our family member sitting on top of my car.  I think afterwards that was eclipsed by a yummy pizza dinner though so all was well.  :)

Slept well, dreamt of nothing that I can remember, and woke up stupidly early to be at a friends house who graciously gave up her day off to deal with my pain in the ass hair.  Let me tell you, this girl needs to go up for sainthood because after all was said and done and I was at home I decided to make a further request of her.  I'm really surprised I didn't get strangled through the phone but I love her dearly and she's great at what she does.  I certainly wouldn't have that much patience with me.

All in all, it was a good day but I'm just grumpy from not eating since breakfast.  I had a little snack when I went to get my daughter but it's dinner time so I'm going to go eat & then hopefully just relax a bit for the evening.  This week is going to be slammed with appointments and class and getting ready to leave over the holidays.  I'm actually hoping this week moves as fast as last week did so we'll see.

I'll end with this brief quote (can't remember where I saw it or who said it) because I feel like I've done all that I can do to make the end of my relationship and the rough days that followed into something positive and I'm making the best out of whatever possible next beginning is in store.

"The end of a relationship is a brief window of opportunity because when nothing is certain, anything is possible.  Every ending holdings the seed to another beginning.  Let it grow".

12/5/14 Dear Santa...

So, quickly bullet pointed...

* My day was good. 

* Kick ass leg workout

*Lunch with friends

*Got my IIFYM food list made for the next few days

*Went to the BJJ school & got info on a Krav class that starts in January

*Grocery shopped

*Studied

*No drama, no emotional moments, etc etc.  

So, when I got home I was getting dinner ready & I found myself a bit irritated.  Throughout the things I did today, with a few exceptions, the males I've come across today, talked to, and listened to have had nothing of substantial significance to say other than to utter something of sexual reference.  No, none of them were hitting on me.  It's just been their preferred topic of conversation with the other people surrounding them and has related to any question they ask and comment they make.  

This irritates me.  I understand if you're with a group of friends or a friend and jokes come up.  Whatever, I've made jokes and sexual innuendos myself.  Not an issue.  

But seriously, to sit for over an hour with that being your only topic of conversation or to take something that someone is speaking about seriously and have a sexual comment be your only input?  

I walked around for the majority of my day wondering to myself if it's possible for guys to think about absolutely anything except for that.  It really gets old having that be the only thing that you refer to and talk about.  Truly.  

Today I was SO thankful for the lunch I had yesterday with amazing company.  The entire conversation veered toward educated, well-rounded, interesting, a wide variety of topics.  For that, I seriously could give that person a huge hug and a high five for not making my brain want to explode.  

So, with all that said, I'm making my "Dear Santa" Christmas list for things I now know I'm going to need in a guy.  In no particular order:

1) Please be well-rounded and semi-aware of happenings in the world.  I don't watch the news.  In fact, I hate the news.  And I hate politics.  But I semi-know about issues in the world because I'm part of social media and I check up on things so that if people talk about them, I can join in the conversation if I want to.  

2) Please read.  Please read more than Maxim.  Not to say it doesn't have good articles, because it does.  But please read books.  I don't care if you read Biographies or Fiction or Sci-Fi.  Just read something other than magazines.  My favorite books are fantasy/fiction type books (Vampire Diaries, Hunger Games, 50 Shades of Grey or Crossfire series, etc.) but if you suggest a book, chances are, I'll read it.  

3) Please love music.  And realize that I love all genres of music unless it makes me want to slam my head against a wall (re: System of a Down or Rage Against the Machine) or drive a tractor through a cornfield because my dog got ran over by my ex wife (re: super twangy Country).  Please know what a Genre is.  

4) Please love to travel.  This is a deal breaker.  You need to understand that I love to travel and I have the means to travel and I WILL travel.  Along with this, you need to accept other cultures and be willing to try new things and you need to be a good road buddy.  

5) Please love food.  There's not much else to that.  I love to eat and try new foods and you need to love food too.  I usually eat 6 times a day so don't comment on the fact that I'm always eating.  It's obvious.  I know I carry around protein bars and fruit but seriously, would you rather me be grumpy because I'm hungry?  Because I will be if you don't let me have food.  

4) Please understand that I'm not a stereo-typical girl.  I love cars.  I like UFC.  I like motorcycles.   And I know about these things because I've had experience with all of them at some point or another. Also understand that I AM still a female.  So I like to shop, I love shoes, and I love sunglasses.  I'd prefer if you shopped with me even if you're shopping for yourself.  Or if we're just shopping for you.  Either way is fine.  But don't decide to be a pain in the ass when I tell you I'm going shopping because A) I won't ask for you to pay for stuff I want and B) sometimes I just like to walk around a mall even if I don't buy anything.  

5) Please like a few of the finer things in life.  Dressing up once in awhile to go to a REALLY nice restaurant, staying in nice hotels, renting cars that aren't really practical when we travel.  Understand that I like designer brands because of the quality.  But, I still shop at Target and TJ Maxx too.  

6) Please be healthy.  This isn't really a request.  It's a must.  You need to be as concerned about your health as I am about mine because A) It gives us something to do together (hiking, swimming, skiing/snowboarding possibly, etc) and talk about and B) I REALLY don't like fast food (the exception is Chic-Fil-A once in awhile) and it makes me feel guilty to say "You can stop there, but I'm not eating anything".   Plus, if you're healthy, you'll understand why I'm in the gym as much as I am.  Please don't complain about me going to the gym.  

Those are the things that come to mind after today.  There are other things that are typical and obvious in any relationship.  I suppose it doesn't matter what your age is because if you're mature enough, the unmentioned things shine through in actions since they speak louder than words.  

Bottom line is that I know what I want.  Exes in any relationship are exes for a reason.  Over the years I've been able to build a list of what I want and don't want in a person and things to look for and other things to be aware of.  Nobody's perfect.  I'm most certainly not as obviously proven by the fact that I started this blog to begin with.  But everyone has expectations.  If we didn't, then we would settle for anyone and wouldn't be able to share life our other half that helps us to reach our lifelong goals and wants to share in our successes and failures.  

So here's to finding someone that meets our expectations but also to realizing that you're fabulousness and quirks and flaws will also meet someone else's expectations one day as well.  

12/5/14 Waking Up Without Sleep

I'm not sure if I didn't sleep because I dreamt so much last night or if I didn't sleep because my body is so sore.  Either way, I'm about to get up and tackle the day but I wanted to take a  minute and clear my head.

I definitely woke up with my fists clenched this morning and was frustrated.  I was able to pull myself from the last dream that I had but it was 1 of 3 throughout the night about my ex.  All in the same location - his school and all with me attending the same school.  It wasn't military like it is in reality, it was more like a boarding school.  First dream:  My cousin & I were at some fair going on on campus, having a good time, etc and I started panicking because I didn't want to see him and I knew he would be in the same area.  Second dream:  There was some online contest I entered with some other people that included entering photos and he won because of some photo he posted of him in these goofy glasses but it wasn't even him.  So I was frustrated.  Third dream:  The lady that apparently ran the school came to me and asked me if I knew if he did drugs or anything and I told her I didn't think so but we weren't together anymore so I didn't keep track of what he did or didn't do.  She said it was because she had to give him a urinalysis for his job and she wanted me to walk to his dorm room with her.  I did, and after she knocked, an older guy came out of his room.  Apparently they had been together.  Very random.

I woke up frustrated because I knew I was dreaming and I couldn't pull myself out of the dream quick enough to not see his face.

Anyway, so I needed to really refocus my thoughts this morning and just chill for a few minutes before getting up.  It looks incredibly cold and rainy outside but it's going to be a busy morning.  Training, physical therapy, lunch with a friend and then a few errands and lots of studying!  I only have 2 weeks left until the end of my classes so I need to really get this material down.

Today WILL be a good day.  I will accept no substitutes :)  More later.

12/4/2014 Can I just type with my eyes shut?

Lord I am TIRED.  It takes a whole heck of a lot for me to stop moving and not want to do anything.  I'm beat.  Staying awake until at least 9pm so I know I'll sleep tonight is going to be a feat in itself I think because sitting here, I don't even want to walk downstairs and get dinner started.

This morning was Krav Maga.  I can't even express how much I enjoyed myself.  I've been a big UFC fan for awhile and have a ton of respect for people that make a living out of just going out and getting hit and then come back for more.  I've never even been in a fight a day in my life but let me tell you, I see the appeal.  I don't mean that in a negative manner because I don't think you should go out and look for trouble and just start brawling with someone.  Learning to control what you're doing and the power it takes to throw your whole self (mind and body) into the moves is what's appealing.  Being able to focus only at the task at hand and not have an instant to even let your mind wander is HUGE.  I came away sore and feeling strong.  The two things I love about a good workout were incorporated into this hour of survival.  That's what it's about - survival.  Neutralizing whatever threat is upon you without being scared of getting hit or worrying about the amount of pain you're causing the other person.  To realize that I CAN do that is a really good feeling.  Building up my strength has been my goal from the moment I got into fitness so this is absolutely perfect for helping to reach that.

On another subject, I had my weekly head doc appt. and it definitely went really well.  She said I looked overall much happier than I have and also was progressing emotionally.  It's really good to hear that the happiness I've been feeling is reflected on the outside too.  I love that there has been positive growth from this whole situation.  I explained to her that most of what's left of my emotions is jealousy and she truly knew what I meant.  It's sort of an "I don't want you but I don't want anyone else to have you" thing but not on that childish of a level.  It stems from the hurt of "He likes her more than he likes me" kind of thing.  Thankfully, I know that will fade with time and I'm really hoping that the way things are going, it will be soon.  I know for sure that I truly did love my ex.  I still do in some aspect but it's not the same anymore.  It's more of in the way that he will always have a place in my heart because we spent so much time together and had so many good moments together.  My wish (just like anyone else I suppose) is that I'm able to eventually find someone that shares the same interests that I do while having a life of their own, is trustworthy, and accepts me for who I am entirely without wanting to change me.  They'll be proud of the person that I am.

Anyhow, so today has been another success.  I had a great lunch with really good conversation.  It's been awhile since I've met someone that can thoroughly carry on a conversation about an incredibly wide range of topics without missing a beat.  And, we had sushi at Whole Foods (new to me bc I'd never had sushi from there but it was really good!) so seriously, mixing one of my favorite foods with my grocery store made my day.

I'm SO thankful for being able to see progress in my life and look forward to hopefully another successful day tomorrow.  So here's to being excruciatingly sore, exhausted, and ready to conquer life.  Cheers.

Things that made me happy today:
1) Krav class and the people in it.  Everyone was insanely nice.  And brutal.
2) Good food & great company
3) Being able to be open and 100% honest with my head doctor about everything and knowing that she's heartfelt and non-judgmental
4) Lots of packages and mail when I got home!  Not so much the bills but a pretty dress (yes, I do wear those occasionally) I ordered came and a few Xmas gifts I ordered came as well.
5) Puppies!!  They're currently snuggling with me
6) Good friends that wanted to hear about my day

I don't even have anything mildly irritating or upsetting to post about...

12/4/14 Moving on Through

So, I woke up this morning as I knew I would.  SORE.  I'm going to be absolutely useless today in the first Krav class.  Chest and shoulder day....so brutal.  My trainer will DEFINITELY hear about it on Friday.  Probably as I gripe my way through leg day.  :)  Ah well, it's Krav day and cardio day and I'm really excited to give it a go.  Maybe I can throw a punch after all.  I suppose if not, I can just run away from an attacker.  I'm quick.  :)  Ha.

Anyhow, I figured I'd write this morning because I have the time.  I didn't sleep great last night & the very early morning hours were plagued by a dream where I was at my exes dorm.  For some reason I was there to see a friend of mine and he spotted me and decided to tell me how much he missed me & wanted me back.  I, however, told him he needed to stop breaking hearts and leading people on and to go away.  I'm taking the dream as a positive sign and decided to write about it here so I don't think about it for the rest of the day.

Frankly, I'm tired today but I'm going to get up and do what I've got to do and make it a good day.  I'm fairly sure it's gloomy outside from the grey light that's drifting through the edges of my window so hopefully it'll be sunny later!

Let me just say that I can't believe it's December already.  Time has moved faster this year than any other year.  My goal is to finish out this last month well, close the door, and start a brand new book next year.

Here's to everyone having an enjoyable, productive, and generally happy day.  Cheers.

P!nk - Heartbreak Down [Official New Song 2010]

Mmm hmmm.  Yes.  But NO, Not so much anymore cause you know what I got this!

12/3/14 Productive & Strong

I have to kind of chuckle and just shake my head.  I'm impressed and thoroughly thankful for these past few days of peace that the universe has surrounded me with.

Every morning I set my alarm for 5:45am (the exception is weekends).  That gives me 15 minutes to lay in bed and try to wake up before I know I need to really get moving.  This morning, I peacefully woke up and went "huh, it's really light out and I feel REALLY well rested.  I'm surprised the alarm hasn't gone off yet".  Yeah...7:20am.  OH SHIT.  Supposed to leave the house to take my daughter to school in 10 minutes!!  In about 10 seconds I ran through options and decided that since we were already going to be late, I wasn't going to rush because I knew it would frustrate me and put both me and my daughter in a bad mood and that would just set the tone for a crappy day.  So I checked my email & horoscope, showered, woke up munchkin, and we set about our day as normal.  She wasn't that late for school and guess what?  It was just a really REALLY good day overall.

I did a lot of running around today as usual but I was full throttle, on the go, ALL day.  I finally got home at 430pm and absolutely considered blowing off class tonight but I made myself go because I knew if I didn't I'd have time to think about things and I didn't want to do that.  I'm glad I went because there was a ton of interesting info and we started covering nutrition which I love anyway.

Things that definitely stood out today:
I started Tai Chi.  It's definitely different.  I had been really hyper and full of energy all day so it took me a bit to just STOP and SLOW DOWN.  The balance and gracefulness it takes for Tai Chi is mind blowing.  I mean, 70 year olds were kicking my ass so that was something new.  I definitely didn't fall in love with it but it's something I'm going to try and do for a few classes just to try and get a good feel for it.  It takes a lot of muscle control as well so it really made my shoulders feel good.

My workout today with my trainer was INTENSE.  Don't ever mention to your trainer that you have extra energy.  She will inevitably find someway to make sure you're totally burnt out after class and don't want to move.  I'm pretty certain I actually considered just finding a corner of the locker room floor afterwards and staying there for the 2 hours until personal training certification class started.  In general, a great workout makes me feel strong and I love that empowerment.  I'm a curvy gal while still being a decent build (I'm a size 8 if that sheds any light on size) and I've never been stereotypically skinny.  My body just WANTS to be larger so I have to work my ass off to stay in shape and not gain weight.  Overall, being fit makes me feel STRONG and I'd so much rather be curvy and strong than unhealthy and super skinny (I'm not saying all super skinny people are unhealthy so lets not go starting an uprising over that).  I like that "kick ass" feeling I have from fitness.

All in all, between those couple of things and errands, I'm BEAT.  I was incredibly happy to come home, have some great dinner, and I have a movie in the laptop that's calling my name.  I actually wasn't going to blog today but I need to express how good of a day it's been.

As far as my ex?  I honestly can say I didn't really think about him today.  I had a few moments when I got home before class tonight where I just kind of zoned out about him & then I started to get that jealous feeling when his "friend" crossed my mind so I made myself stop and literally re-occupy myself and re-focus my mind.  If I can have days like these last few, I have complete faith that things are going to be just fine.

I'm REALLY looking forward to Krav tomorrow mid-morning and hopefully won't be dead afterwards so I can get a good run in.  I can't believe it's mid-week already.  Time flies!
Cheers.

Things that made me happy today:
I was really energetic and unusually hyper today so there wasn't much that I wasn't in a good mood about.

Passing thoughts of jealousy irritated me a bit.

12/2/14 B-E-A-UTIFUL Day

And I don't mean 'cause of the weather.  Because the weather sucked today.  It was COLD and rainy and COLD!!

However, despite waking up REALLY tired from not being able to fall asleep until late, it has been an awesome day.  The best part is that nothing overly special happened today but my mood was really just in a place where it hasn't been in a LONG time.  No drama, no emotional waves, no anger, no frustration.

It was a fairly busy day too.  I actually cancelled a physical therapy appointment because I needed to get other stuff done.  So...out this morning, homework, at home deck of cards cardio workout, more homework, bill paying junk, got all my Christmas shopping done save for 2 things, nail appointment, took munchkin to Karate & was REALLY glad I did because I got to have a couple really good conversations and smiled a lot, home for dinner & homework....

I did have a little free time today in which I never gave more than a quick passover thought to my ex and continued about what I was doing.

My nail lady also offered to set me up with someone she knows and even though I denied the offer, I still found myself excited about the possibility.  Let me just be clear here:  I haven't even REALISTICALLY entertained the idea or been over excited about dating.  When I date someone, they're it for me.  I don't ogle other guys (I'm not saying I don't NOTICE good looking guys but I don't in any way think about them as more than a glance over) or entertain thoughts of being with anyone else.  So it's been a pretty long time since I've gotten excited over anything remotely dating related and I was actually happy to realize that I could still feel that way.

Karate class also proved to make me grin a lot due to...well, I'm just going to say a bit of eye candy and leave it at that.  I absolutely would not mind going out & hanging out with this person.  Positive, loads of energy, & just a generally amazing personality.

ANYWAY, so tonight is going to be relaxing and just as positive as the day has been.  I can't ask for better right now.

My horoscope proved to be exactly what I needed to hear as well:
"Believe it or not, the air is clearing around a certain confusing and difficult situation.  It may not seem that way just yet, because there is still some fog lingering where you are.  Moments of clarity come, but then they go, and you may feel that you are helpless to figure out what to do.  Your forecast is bright, though, and if you can just be patient with yourself and the world around you, you will see the atmosphere begin to clear, and you'll be able to more easily see the path ahead".

CHEERS TO THAT.

Things that made me happy today:
1) A good breakfast
2) Getting so much work done online
3) Having great convo w/my nail lady (she's incredibly personable)
4) A good workout
5) Good convo at munchkin's karate class
6) Figuring out that I can still feel happy and excited over little things
7) A good dinner at home w/munchkin this evening

Upsetting things today:
1) Nothing upsetting but the cold was incredibly annoying all day.

12/1/14 Just kidding. Better feels & sweet dreams.

Well, I said I wasn't going to get back online tonight but here I am, 10:30pm.

I just wanted to write a bit before heading to bed.  I'm beat.  Today was, all in all, productive.  I'm in much better spirits this evening thanks to talking things out with some friends, deep breathing...all that.  I've set some goals that I'm looking to work towards and am excited about them - physical goals that I think will help me attain better mental clarity.

I'm going to attend Tai Chi classes - try them out, see how it goes.  Apparently more highly recommended than yoga for a clear mind.

Krav Maga or perhaps kick boxing - calling tomorrow to find out about a beginner class.  I really think that combined with my training & running this will help me reach a physical peak I've been looking for and help me channel the frustration, anger, & jealousy I'm feeling.  Hopefully I will be able to rid myself of those & move on to becoming a stronger person.

It's not a physical goal but it is something I'm doing further research on: moving when my lease it up.  I had something lined up but I'm actually wanting to research a different area for various reasons that I think might be more of a benefit to both me and my daughter.  It's north of where I live now which means a bit more cold weather but hey, we're survivors :)

I meant to write a bit on something a dear friend told me earlier today when I met with her.  She's someone who I've known since my first year in high school and who I respect more than I could ever express.  I've seen her fight to be the person she's grown in to, I've seen her go through hell and back in her teenage years, and I've seen her walk away from a person she loved with all her heart because she knew he wasn't good for her & her family.  I truly look up to her for working her ass off to be where she is and today she told me that she thinks I will be able to look back on this blog and I'll be able to think "those things I wrote about that were such a huge deal then, don't seem so huge now".  THAT is something I look forward to and I something that I really hope will happen (sooner rather than later).  My dear friend, I NEEDED to hear those words today and you know who you are (and I know you'll read this)...I LOVE YOU to the moon & back for being one of the very few people that has stuck with me through all the crap in my life & who has always encouraged the things that people thought were weird or quirky.  You've never faltered in who you know you are and I have SO much respect for you for that.  You inspire me to be a stronger person.  <3

On that note, I shall leave this until tomorrow while I depart for the world of dreaming.  Here's to a peaceful nights rest.  Cheers.

12/1/12 Setting the tone...

It's been a day for thoughts.  My ex used to tell me "don't think so much..." when I'd contemplate and pick apart things and over analyze things.  I think he had other reasons for telling me that but today, it was a day filled with thoughts of him.  I woke up feeling "off" today.  I was tired from not going to bed at a decent hour (reading sucked me in) and I didn't want to get up because of it.  Thankfully I had training this morning and I honestly could have spent more than an hour with the weights.  It was a good workout but I was definitely in a zone this morning and needed that burn.

I spoke with 3 different people today.  We all had conversations about me, how I was doing, how I was feeling.  Ironically, all 3 said the EXACT same thing.  "He wasn't right for you.  I didn't like him when I met him.  Something was off.  I don't know what it was but you guys didn't fit right together". That certainly isn't the first time I'd heard that and it didn't hurt my feelings or upset me.  It just got me thinking about the fact that I KNOW things weren't right and I stayed longer than I should have because I was hoping things would change.  These facts aren't new to me.  I'm quite certain that they're right as well and I'm not arguing against them.  So my second question from my cousin this evening was "So why are you holding on?"  I didn't answer right away.  I had to think because my first thought was "I'm not".  That's only 1/2 true.  I'm not holding on to him.  I want to be done.  I don't want to feel anything for him.  And when I look at his picture and think about what we used to be, I don't feel that tug on my heart that causes pain.  What I feel is jealousy.  This is kind of a revelation for me and I don't like it.  I don't want to think about him and in turn think about him being with someone else and I don't want to think that he's sitting around probably laughing with her and making memories on weekends or going out to dinner with her and forgetting about me.

So what's my solution?  Moving on myself seems like a viable solution and the best revenge at that and I'm trying.  Really, I am.  But moments like now, and days like today, I feel like I'm taking 2 steps forward and 1 step back.  I'm not a patient person by any means so a slow process like healing is driving me crazy (ha...I've got jokes...crazy....get it?).  I'd very much like the universe to just make me wake up and be able to forget about all of this and just go about my daily life.  That would be GREAT.  I'm not really sure what my solution until then will be.

For now, I'll wrap this up so I can get off the internet and finish out the evening.

Things that made me happy today:
1) A good workout
2) Seeing two friends I always like to visit with

Upsetting things today:
1) A full day of thoughts that weighed me down all day

12/1/14 In love with what could have been...not with what exists

I came across this article this morning and thought Id share.  I feel like it was written while watching my relationship.  I don't remember how many countless times I said to myself "if I just do this, he will act this way or this will change between us..."


http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/kt-idea-vs-reality-how-to-tell-if-youre-really-in-love/

11/30/14 I think I made it.

7pm on the last day of Thanksgiving break...I'm alive and haven't been massively tortured these last few days.  Who knew?!  I certainly didn't expect it.  I'm not going to go all crazy and say it's been perfect and unemotional and ex-boyfriend-thoughtless but I tell you what, it's been better than I expected and that's all I'm asking for right now.

Today was a lazy day.  I sat around, ate, and watched TV.  Got some laundry done but that's pretty much the extent of my productiveness.  For today, I'm okay with that being since it was the last day of break and tomorrow starts back at the grind of 3 days a week of training, 5 days of cardio, & a slew of errands and appointments all week.

I think today, one of my main thoughts centered on the topic of remembrance.  I was wondering how I'll be remembered from this relationship.  Eventually memories fade a bit and a person becomes less thought of on a daily basis and I that thought kind of makes me sad.  I don't like the idea of someone else being in my place making new memories but I also logically know that someone will eventually take his place and I won't think of him much either.  And when I do, it'll just be a passover and I can smile or laugh at a memory.  Right now it makes me a bit sad to think that maybe he's already done that with me and I'm just a memory.  It is however interesting to think back on my past relationships before this one and realize that I've done just the same.  I don't think about those people as much as I used to and they've become part of my past.  They've helped me to become the person that I am and things that I thought I'd never get over or move past or forget have faded.

If you ask me honestly, I think that because of how I acted and reacted to things, my ex won't remember me well.  I'm probably on his "crazy" list with his ex wife, the girl that he dated when he met me, and a couple others from his past that I remember hearing about.  Does that bother me?  Eh.  To some extent.  But only because I know it's not true.  "Crazy" is a term that is widely over used to describe someone who's behavior you don't necessarily understand fully or agree with.  My actions were used to try to get my ex to see that I was hurting and to try to understand what he was thinking.  I also am wary of anyone that calls all their exes "crazy" because there's something that doesn't add up with that.  There's a common denominator that isn't being brought to the forefront of those stories. My thought is that we all aren't crazy...something in his actions made us act a certain way that wasn't acceptable to him.

I digress.  What's done is done.  My day was relaxing, unproductive, and enjoyable.  Yes, I thought about my ex.  But again, there wasn't a huge wave of emotional hurt that followed those thoughts.  They were more based on curiosity and centered around what he has going on and what he's thinking.
Today I miss him for sheer loneliness on my part.  Not miss him because of everything else (it was reversed last time).  I'd like to be able to find someone and have everything fall into place without any doubt that I'll have to start over again.  Eventually.  Until then, I'll keep having productive weeks, fun weekends, and unproductive holiday breaks filled with apple pie and Buffy the Vampire Slayer marathons.  Cheers.

Things that made me happy today:
1) Sleeping in
2) Sitting around being lazy today
3) Food (specifically my mom's apple pie)

I'm not even going to list anything irritating today because I don't have anything of substance to list.

Kelly Clarkson - Behind These Hazel Eyes

Kelly gets it ;)  I feel ya girl...swapping a blonde for a brunette is just bad business!

Lol! :)

11/30/14 Early Morning Dreaming

9:09am...

I woke up about a half hour ago from a pretty solid sleep.  Thank goodness because the night before, I didn't sleep at all from all the coughing I was doing.  So, besides a puppy that wanted to take up the entire bed, I slept well (thank you NyQuil and sleep meds).  I've found that when my sleep meds start to wear off in the early morning hours, I dream about my ex.  I think the past 3 or 4 nights that's happened.  It's not upsetting, it's more irritating than anything because I'm mentally wanting to pull myself out of the dream just to have something different on my mind.  This morning I had a dream I was looking at his Facebook page and he had changed his relationship status to "in a relationship".  Whether he has actually done that, I don't know because I'm making it a very large goal not to be on FB much since I reactivated it.  Maybe once or twice a day & not for that purpose.  I found that I wasn't upset in the dream either, just irritated because he never would do that for us.
I figured I'd write about it here this morning so it doesn't stick with me all throughout the day.

This morning I'm going to relax a bit, have a cinnamon roll and some eggs for breakfast, and just do what I've got to do.  Hopefully relaxing this morning will set a good tone for the entire day and I can update this tonight with no complaints.

So here's to everyone finishing out the weekend with a smile on their face.  Cheers.

Adele - Someone Like You

Heard this earlier on Pandora.  Adele just GETS IT.

11/29/14 Deep & Meaningful

(The Title)....That's kind of what I feel like I should be writing tonight but honestly, I don't have a whole lot to say and I haven't really gained any new insight today.

The day has been a good one and I'm hoping that tomorrow will finish out the dreaded holiday weekend as a good one.  I definitely wasn't looking forward to Thanksgiving but I'm thankful that it's been a non-stressful and busy weekend.  I haven't had a lot of downtime to overthink things and I'm appreciative for that.

Today my mom, daughter, and I went tubing at a local ski resort.  I really hate the cold weather but if I'm out being busy in it then I don't mind it as much.  Tubing was fun and it was great that my mom got to get out & enjoy herself as well.  Seeing everyone on the slopes really made me miss snowboarding so much!  My daughter wants to learn how to do that or to ski so I told her I'd keep my board, boots, & bindings for this season & I'd take her for lessons at some point.  I could probably use a few myself since I haven't been out for a couple seasons.  Anything to keep kids active these days is okay by me.

Per a conversation last night at dinner (and some past yearning to want to do something more intensive than training at the gym) I think I'm going to look into Krav Maga classes.  I still need to learn more about it but the fact that it's set up for smaller people is appealing.  I'm a big fan of MMA in general so anything of that sort would be a lot of fun for me to get in to.  Hopefully that'll be something new on my list of things to do.

Tomorrow is the last day of break and then Monday it's back to the grind.  I'm going to get my eating schedule back on track and of course it's back to the gym.  Three days a week now with my trainer instead of two so at least Monday isn't a cardio day!  I think we may just go bowling for one last fun event before my daughter has to go back to school too.  

So today has been a success for sure.  I've been busy & my mind hasn't wandered anywhere it really shouldn't have for more than a minute or so at a time.  I'm relaxed, tired, and really just ready to crawl into bed and do some reading for the night.  Here's to successful days that pass without a second thought.  Cheers.

Things that made me happy today:
1) Putting my snow gear on and getting to go tubing.  I missed the "swish swish" of my snow pants and if I can't have flip flops & the beach then being on the slopes in some form would probably be next on my list.
2) Warm apple pie with ice-cream and a hot cup of tea
3) How happy my puppies were to see me when I got home
4) Lovely messages on Facebook from a couple of people <3 The outpouring of love & support has truly touched my heart.  I couldn't ask for a better support system.

I can't pinpoint anything that even really irritated me today besides my shoulder being  bit achy this evening but seriously, that's cake compared to everything else.

One of my favorite quotes:
"For a star to be born, there is one thing that must happen:  a gaseous nebula must collapse.  So collapse.  This is not your destruction, this is your birth".  -Noor

11/28/14 It's the craziest thing...

...I can feel myself letting go.  I feel like that should be blown up in bold, framed, and gilded in gold or something.  I actually can feel myself not caring so much anymore.

You know, I saw a text today that my ex sent my mom the day that I spoke with his new "friend" and he texted her and said "Can you tell Johanna to stop texting my friends and trying to cause trouble for me?!"  See here's the thing...when you just break up with someone, and if they say they're hurt to the point of physically being sick, and they tell you they miss you A LOT...you don't just ignore them and then suddenly meet someone else a week or so later.  I say this because these are the types of comments that I remember when I think of my ex.  Or at least, I try to remember them.  THAT is what helps me to remember that I'm doing the right thing in letting all of this go.  That's what is propelling me forward...the comments like "How can I introduce my girlfriend as just a nail tech.  What would that look like?"

I digress, because today was a really good day and I deserve to have  A LOT of those.  I got to sleep in thanks to my mom who let my daughter have a sleepover at her house last night.  I mean truly slept in like I was a teenager again.  Unheard of.  Then I went over to my moms, ate a great brunch, and later we all met up with my friend and his mom for dinner (and ice cream).  It was really fun to be surrounded by people that were just relaxed, included my daughter in the conversation, and who laughed a lot.  No stress, no worries.  And when the time came for me to drop everyone off at home and have my quiet time in the car on the way home....I WAS OKAY.  Did I think about my ex today? Of course.  Did I wonder what he was doing today?  Yes.  Did I wonder if he thought about me?  Yeah.  But it wasn't the same panicked, sad kind of thinking that I've had.  It was kind of a passing thought like "okay.  Well...it is what it is".

Right now though, I'm tired.  I definitely want to sleep and I'm looking forward to a fun day tomorrow (tubing at the ski resort nearby!).  I'd like to attempt snow boarding again this season but we'll see how my shoulder holds up before I go for that.  I'm a bit clumsy so I don't need anymore injuries.

I truly am thankful for a great day and wonderful people in my life!  I re-activated my Facebook today so we'll also see how that goes and I did it with the disclaimer to myself that if drama or negativity gets to be too much, then I'll take it back down.  I also deactivated all the notifications that usually come to my phone so I don't check it all throughout the day.  Those are MY terms and I intend on sticking by them because this is MY life and I'm not living it to check up on anyone else or worry about what anyone else is doing.  Just me.

So, here's to truly starting to let go.  Cheers.

Things that made me happy today:
1) Food.  Good food and ice-cream :)
2) Friends that have stood by me for going on 20 years now and even though they've been left hanging in the times that I've had relationships, they're still there no matter what with no judgement.
3) Relaxation and peace of mind.  You can't put a price on these and everyone deserves them.
4) Having my cousin text me & tell me we can spend New Year's Eve together at one of our favorite places.  Yay for best friends and sister therapy!
5) My borage of friends that had encouraging things to say today on Facebook.  They're all insanely supportive and I know I could probably turn to just about any of them if I needed to.  

Things that upset me today:
1) Nothing?!  I can't even really think of anything that annoyed me today...Somebody print this out & frame it :)

Recognize it, process it, breathe, repeat...

See the title of this?  THAT is how I'm dealing with the onslaught of emotions that randomly hits me. If you can't seem to even fathom how I feel, try this.  You're just standing around, doing whatever you normally do during the day, and then BAM.  You get tackled by a football player out of NOWHERE. You didn't see or hear him coming.  What do you do?  Well, since the game of life is going on around you and since it's not ACTUALLY a real football game, you take a second to process what just happened.  Okay, I got hit.  Accept it for what it is no matter where you are when it happens.  I've been in the middle of a physical therapy session, in the grocery store, in a parking lot...the list goes on.  It is what it is.  You're human.  You HAVE emotions.  Recognize them.  Next, figure out WHY you're having the feelings you are having.  What triggered them?  There may not be a trigger if you're like me sometimes, you might just be feeling the way you're feeling and that's okay too.  After that, BREATHE.  Breathe, meditate, whatever.  Just take a few minutes to yourself because feeling better is about concentrating on YOU.  And do it over and over...you'll find that eventually, that wave of emotions that hit is gone and you can go back to whatever you were doing.

For me, I was driving home tonight from Thanksgiving Dinner.  I'm not even sure what I was thinking about but all of a sudden a wave of sadness settled in on my heart.  I realized just how much I've wanted to text the ex boyfriend ALL day long.  It has taken every ounce of restraint in every fiber of my body to not text him.  Because what if he doesn't text back?  Then I get hit yet again with feeling like crap and that's not fair.  (The other part of me says 'oh but what if he DOES text back?'  My answer....okay...but what then?  It's not going to magically change anything and chances are once you get into a conversation, he will stop talking and you'll STILL be left hanging).  I realized that I do miss him.  I don't miss him because of the loneliness, that I can deal with.  I miss him for all the good things about him that I know of.  So, I let myself mourn that loss for the next 15 minutes.  I sat and cried through it and let myself be sad.  As much as I wanted to just try and push the emotions away, I've come to realize that I can't do that.  I need to work through everything and process it and let it be what it's going to be because if I don't...I can't imagine the emotions and issues I'll carry into whatever next relationship I enter in to.  Deep breathing for me has been my "go to". Meditation at night with candles has been my "go to".  It clears my mind, it brings me positive energy to work with, and it settles my heart.  It took awhile to figure out that meditation is easy.  There's no right or wrong way to go about it.  Whatever works is what you do.  Clarity and peace are the end result that you want.

And so, I sit here with a clear enough head to realize that I still miss my ex but everything happened because there's a different path we were meant to take.  I'm still at a loss as to why he was brought into my life since I spent so much time and energy on the relationship.  But, I also know that the answer may not be clear right now and it may be years down the line before I even begin to see an answer.  Maybe we're meant to be but it won't be till later.  Who knows?  The universe doesn't reveal it's secrets on my watch, that's for sure.

So, here's to breathing.  Here's to relaxing. And here's to the dealing with what comes your way.  Cheers.

Things that made me happy today:
1) A relaxing day with my daughter, my dogs,  & my mom
2) Playing board games at home
3) Listening to my daughter giggle uncontrollably
4) Good food

Upsetting moments today:
1) Wishing I could just talk to my ex again and hear his voice or talk to him by text.  Especially on a holiday.

11/27/14 It's Early Yet

It's Thanksgiving.  Woohoo?  Idk.  Anyway, it's never been my favorite holiday but it won't be a bad one this year.  I woke up with the mindset that it might be uneventful but that's what I want this year.  Nothing crazy, no drama, no ex boyfriend in my thoughts.

It's still early.  It's 8:40am and I'd much rather still be sleeping but only because this cold just won't quit.  I have a cough that's settled in my chest and won't go away.  I blame the weather.  It was 72 degrees Tuesday and snowing on Wednesday.

Unfortunately, I woke up from a dream about the ex and I figured I'd write about it so it's out of my head and I don't dwell on it.  It took place a school type setting with dorms, etc (he's away at school but he's on a military base so it's not actually a school setting).  I had gone to see him and surprise, discovered he cheated on me.  When confronted, a huge fight ensued with him not caring and explaining that he met this girl at a tailgate for a football game.  There was a lot of walking away, shrugging it off, bragging that he slept with her, and yelling.  Lots of yelling.  Eventually it ended with him saying he didn't want me but she had also found out about me & didn't want him either and he was mad at that.  Anyhow, I woke up irritated that my brain would make me dream such  thing but it is what it is and I can't control that.

Today will be a good day.  Spending the morning here w/my daughter and then heading to my moms house for awhile.  I was supposed to run a 5K this morning but opted out when I couldn't stop coughing last night.  Pretty sure 30 degree weather isn't going to help me get better.  Anyone that knows me, knows that I'm really stubborn and like to learn the hard way so actually not doing the race is a huge deal for me.  I signed up, I paid for it, I wanted to do it.  Alas, some things you just have to give up even if it's what you want.  Who knows, maybe it'll be better in the long run for your health.  ;)

I'm sure I'll follow up more later.  If there's anyone that's a consistent reader and wants to introduce themselves feel free.  I'd be happy to "meet" you.
Until later then.  Cheers.

11/26/14 So Far So Good....Where's my damn Key?! & And update.

So, I've generally been thinking about what I wanted to write about this evening.  Nothing's gone wrong today (so far), nothing's been upsetting today, the day has been pretty productive...

My daughter was off of school today for the holiday and I woke up to rain on the roof.  About a half hour later it turned to snow and we got around 1".  I'm not a fan of snow.  Or cold.  Of course, being 8 years old the first thing my daughter wanted to do was go outside and play in it but it turned back to rain which is what came down for the majority of the rest of the day.  I'm pretty certain there will be a heck of a winter left for us to play in so we skipped out on this one in leu of hot chocolate, movies, card games, and an at home Deck of Cards workout.

It's been a pretty uneventful day but it was nice to stay home (not counting the dentist appt I had to go to and picking up my race info for the 5K I'm doing in the morning).  The downfall of down time is that you have some time to think but really the only 2 things that crossed my mind today of significance that bothered me were "I wonder what the ex bf is doing for Thanksgiving" and "WHERE IS MY F**KING HOUSE KEY?!"  The latter of the thoughts led to a rant that included me chewing him out for being such a pain in the ass about this, yelling about how I refuse to get penalized by my landlord for not turning in an original key, and telling him I'd gladly text or call his brother, new "friend, or anybody else I knew that could get in touch with him about it.  Will it come to that?  Sure hope not.  NOBODY is too busy with excuses to put a key in an envelope and drop it in the mailbox.  Lazy?  Yes.  Being a dick?  Yes.  Busy?  Yes but NOT too busy to take 5 seconds for that.

Anyway, so other than that...uneventful but relaxing day.  I'm really hoping that tomorrow and the rest of the holiday break is the same before I get back to the grind on Monday morning.
Here's to a happy and relaxing and generally boring Thanksgiving!  Cheers!

Things that made me happy today:
1) Playing cards and watching movies w/my daughter
2) Getting a solid workout in here at home
3) Selling one of my favorite watches (bittersweet bc it was the first timepiece I ever bought myself but I need the money)

Things irritating today:
1) Having to go to a dentist appt (I hate the dentist)
2) Internal dialogue about my house key
3) Looking at the pile of laundry that needs folding


*HA*  Update (10 min later or whatever it is)....my house key came in the mail.  NOW, It's been an overall good day. :)

Pachelbel Meets U2 - Jon Schmidt

Canon in D is my all time favorite classical song for relaxation. Found this rendition on Pandora the other day and had to bookmark it so I figured I'd share it too.  It's incredible and I love how it mixes it up toward the end but is still classic.  Beautiful!

11/25/14 Arms Length & Mixed Messages

Ohhh where to begin with this.  I cried (briefly) for us today.  I was hit with the painfully honest truth that pretty much our entire relationship was me believing things would change and you holding me at arms length and not letting me in.  I honestly believe that we could have been something great.  We could have that future we talked about so many times that both of us wanted.  We both had the same goals - a family.  A daughter.  A house.  We had SO many conversations and the week that we met up after I left, you said "I thought we were trying to build a future together!"  How can you be literally sick over me leaving and say something like that and then...nothing.  How can you email me and say "I thought you were my rock.  I guess I'm going to have to start over...again...and figure this out on my own" after you told me you weren't in love with me?  Put yourself in my shoes...
What would you have done if I never introduced you to my family?
What would you have done if I never invited you home for anything?
What would your conclusion be if I never posted ANYTHING about us or where we traveled to or things we did to my friends?
How would you have reacted if I was the one who talked to some random girl from a Craigslist personals ad?
How would you have reacted if you found intimate Facebook messages from me to my "friends" and heard voicemails from my moms nurse on my phone talking bout how they were so excited to see me and "thanks for calling 5 times today to check on me"?
What conclusions was I supposed to make after months of barely any PDA and intimacy and rarely any "I miss you's" or asking about how MY day was?
And yet...when we were together and went out and did something fun, things were SO GOOD.
Why is that?  Why the mixed messages?  I had so many people tell me to watch for the red flags - pay attention to the red flags, that you were holding me at arms length and not letting me in.  And I knew it was the truth.  But the truth hurts so I continued to aggressively push everything back that I should have paid attention to.  Everything that would have saved me all this mess I'm going through now, I pushed away.

Truthfully, I have NEVER loved anyone as much as I love you.  That hasn't changed.  I can be enraged and frustrated and upset...but I still love you.  I know eventually that will fade.  Eventually I'll move on with my life and find someone that loves me for everything that I am and everything that I'm not.  They'll accept me and all of my 'crazy' flaws.  Maybe the 'friend' that you're with now is your someone special that makes your heart beat and gives you excited butterflies like you did for me.  I don't know what my thoughts are on that.  But I'm going to try not to think about it too much.  My goal is to make the constant noise in my head stop.  This is the noise that is ALWAYS, no matter what I'm doing, reminding me of you or wondering what you're doing, or what you're thinking about.  I can be insanely busy and focused on something else but there's still that little part in the back of my brain that is always thinking about you.  Once that goes away, I know I'll be able to move on easily.  I'm ready for that.

I suppose that life is what you make it so I'm trying to make a new normal.  A new normal life that makes both me and my daughter happy to wake up everyday (she doesn't have that problem) and happy to be alive.  One day at a time I suppose.  Last week wasn't that bad and so far, I'm hoping this week will be the same.  Here's to finding the life that we always wanted together but, separate.  Cheers.

Happy things today:
1) Catching up on a few shows
2) relaxing & trying to get rid of this cold once & for all
3) The gorgeous weather
4) Making potential plans for travel w/my cousin in February
5) A positive 'head doctor' second appointment - lots of realizations but sometimes the truth is what we need to hear even if it hurts

Irritating stuff today:
1) This stupid cold!  I lost my voice pretty much completely and have been barely understandable all day
2) Crowds at the grocery store