17 minutes until 2016...
What a year it's been. 2014 ended on a sour note but in reading my first post in 2015, I had a very positive outlook on what I wanted to gain from the new year. The first few months were extremely difficult in trying to put my life back together from depression. I found out who my family truly is...my closest friends I can count on one hand that have been with me for ages. These people picked me up and carried me through months on end until I could hold myself up.
Slowly but surely my year got better as I got stronger and I can honestly say that there haven't been any major falls throughout the year that I haven't been able to overcome. I'm also proud to say that I've been able to travel a lot this year and made a few new friends (two of my goals that I had set at the beginning of the year).
9 minutes until 2016...
My goals for 2016 include saving money (today held the surprise of getting hired for a new job!), getting things set to start a new business, no injuries from training that require surgery, and building myself physically into a much stronger person. Emotionally, I'm solid. That's one of the main things I wanted to see from 2015 - Me rebuilding my foundation into a solid piece of work that I'm proud of. It's been an amazing year over all and I'm happy to have amazing people in my life that have helped me be able to sit here and write all these positive things.
Not sure if I'll continue this blog into 2016 but we'll see.
If not, here's to everyone who's been there for me, followed my blog from the beginning, and anyone that I may have encouraged just a little bit by writing. You're all amazing.
Here's to an amazing life and a phenomenal 2016! CHEERS YALL.
Thursday, December 31, 2015
Monday, September 28, 2015
My Life - ONE YEAR LATER
Yeah...you read that subject line correctly. It's been a year...ONE WHOLE YEAR...since my life did a spiral that I never thought I'd have to endure.
The last time I blogged was May 1st. It's been awhile and a lot has happened in 4 months but for those of you keeping up with me, you know where I started a year ago. As a recap for those of you who don't know, September 28th, 2014 was the day that I called my ex and asked him if he loved me. It had been almost 2 years that we were together and he had never uttered those words. The response that I got was, "do you really want to have this conversation right now?" Fast forward to an hour or so later and I got "No, I don't love you. I've tried to make myself love you and have kept hoping it would change but it hasn't. I also don't have any love to give right now...". This coming from someone that I had made my life revolve around and had dropped everything for and was invested in heart and soul. I knew my decision to break up with him was the right one when I made it. It was one of those things that you feel deep in your gut needed to happen but don't act on because you know it's going to be painful to endure and quite frankly, lonely. It was easier to stay and save myself from the loneliness as well as from having to start over in the dating world (I thoroughly despise the concept of dating & the morons that come with it).
Despite breaking up with my ex, we kept in touch for a couple of weeks- mostly in the form of me regretting my decision to leave him (loneliness kicked in, I was sad that I had lost the person that was seemingly my best friend) and him saying he missed me. I found out about 2 weeks after I left him that he had met a girl in his area (he moved at the beginning of Sept bc of military) and I freaked out. Welcome to my spiral I never thought I would be in. Online Facebook stalking, constant panicked texting, panicked phone calls and voicemails...all of these things signs of a deep rooted depression that I had ignored for a LONG time because I wasn't actually happy and hadn't been happy in my relationship. I had lost the foundation of who I was and couldn't function without my ex there since my world WAS him. I remember calling my ex, leaving him a voicemail where I was just hysterically in tears, hanging up, and then waking up on my bathroom floor with blood on my wrists. This all in a period of a couple of hours but after that was kind of slow motion and blurry. Calling for help, having phone calls that were made to therapists for me to try and get me an immediate appointment, texting my friends because I needed that support system...
All in all I know I never wanted to actually try and end this beautiful life that I have but I'll NEVER forget the deep seated pain that I felt in my heart and gut when I learned my ex had moved on within a matter of weeks. I can't even really put it into words and you won't understand unless you've been in a similar spot and you know where I'm coming from. There's literally a physical hurt that you experience that's crippling. It's awful and I'll never wish that on anybody.
Admitting that you're depressed and need help is a whole other feat in itself but it's also something that I'd never change for the world. Going twice a week to my therapist was literally a life saver. Having a constant support of close friends (at any hour of the day) is also something that will stay with me forever. I know who's in my circle and who I can trust to listen and never ever judge me...it's a VERY small circle but I'd never change it.
I was released from therapy back in June with the knowledge that experiences like those that I went through ONLY make you stronger but you have to be willing to fight for yourself and know that you're worth every bit of the struggle. I'm worth it.
There have been so many positive outcomes from my ordeal that I can't even count them. I got involved in Krav Maga for stress management in January of this year, fell in love with it, and joined in Muay Thai and Jiujitsu. I'm confident that I could hold my own in any kind of altercation and I enjoy fighting for sport, but more importantly, the self confidence I've gained from those activities has been life altering. Despite a few injuries and surgeries from fighting, there's absolutely nothing negative that I have to say about my experience with martial arts and Krav. I've met some amazing people that I'll always be friends with and the atmosphere at the academy is family oriented.
I've gotten to travel a lot this year which I'm always thankful for but it's been so much fun to travel with my friends. We've gotten to know each other better and have gotten to see each other in different environments other than our home. It's been a blast, I have the best people in my life.
I have a couple of new tattoos but the one closest to my heart is my Semicolon on my wrist. If you haven't heard of the Semicolon Project, google it. It's such a great way to bring awareness to depression and anxiety and self-harm and it lets people know that they're not alone. A semicolon is a place in a story where an author could have ended the sentence but they chose not to. In essence, you're the author and the sentence is your life. The semicolon tattoo is a way of letting the world know that you chose not to end your story.
Today I received my NASM Personal Training Certification so officially, I'm a personal trainer now. Studying was a TON of stress but again, I couldn't have passed without the support that I got from the people around me.
There's been a ton more that's happened and that is happening but honestly, the most important thing is that I'm legitimately HAPPY and I love who I've become. I don't regret spending 2 years of my life with someone that didn't love me because I've learned from it. Nobody can predict the future but you can learn a ton about yourself when you're willing to look at your past. You can also be sure that what I endured won't stop me from being willing to love someone else. There's no reward that comes from closing yourself off and putting up cement walls around your heart. Being hurt can only make you stronger but you have to let the hurt in when it comes and be willing to work with it and mold it into something that is going to make you a better person. Today I can successfully say that I've done that.
So after a year chock full of personal growth and new opportunities, I can truly say this:
HERE'S TO FINDING OUT WHO YOU REALLY ARE AND FINDING OUT WHAT YOU'RE MADE OF.
HERE'S TO CHOOSING TO THRIVE ON YOUR STRENGTHS AND YOUR WEAKNESSES. HERE'S TO THOSE THAT LOVE YOU NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE OR WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH.
Cheers ya'll.
The last time I blogged was May 1st. It's been awhile and a lot has happened in 4 months but for those of you keeping up with me, you know where I started a year ago. As a recap for those of you who don't know, September 28th, 2014 was the day that I called my ex and asked him if he loved me. It had been almost 2 years that we were together and he had never uttered those words. The response that I got was, "do you really want to have this conversation right now?" Fast forward to an hour or so later and I got "No, I don't love you. I've tried to make myself love you and have kept hoping it would change but it hasn't. I also don't have any love to give right now...". This coming from someone that I had made my life revolve around and had dropped everything for and was invested in heart and soul. I knew my decision to break up with him was the right one when I made it. It was one of those things that you feel deep in your gut needed to happen but don't act on because you know it's going to be painful to endure and quite frankly, lonely. It was easier to stay and save myself from the loneliness as well as from having to start over in the dating world (I thoroughly despise the concept of dating & the morons that come with it).
Despite breaking up with my ex, we kept in touch for a couple of weeks- mostly in the form of me regretting my decision to leave him (loneliness kicked in, I was sad that I had lost the person that was seemingly my best friend) and him saying he missed me. I found out about 2 weeks after I left him that he had met a girl in his area (he moved at the beginning of Sept bc of military) and I freaked out. Welcome to my spiral I never thought I would be in. Online Facebook stalking, constant panicked texting, panicked phone calls and voicemails...all of these things signs of a deep rooted depression that I had ignored for a LONG time because I wasn't actually happy and hadn't been happy in my relationship. I had lost the foundation of who I was and couldn't function without my ex there since my world WAS him. I remember calling my ex, leaving him a voicemail where I was just hysterically in tears, hanging up, and then waking up on my bathroom floor with blood on my wrists. This all in a period of a couple of hours but after that was kind of slow motion and blurry. Calling for help, having phone calls that were made to therapists for me to try and get me an immediate appointment, texting my friends because I needed that support system...
All in all I know I never wanted to actually try and end this beautiful life that I have but I'll NEVER forget the deep seated pain that I felt in my heart and gut when I learned my ex had moved on within a matter of weeks. I can't even really put it into words and you won't understand unless you've been in a similar spot and you know where I'm coming from. There's literally a physical hurt that you experience that's crippling. It's awful and I'll never wish that on anybody.
Admitting that you're depressed and need help is a whole other feat in itself but it's also something that I'd never change for the world. Going twice a week to my therapist was literally a life saver. Having a constant support of close friends (at any hour of the day) is also something that will stay with me forever. I know who's in my circle and who I can trust to listen and never ever judge me...it's a VERY small circle but I'd never change it.
I was released from therapy back in June with the knowledge that experiences like those that I went through ONLY make you stronger but you have to be willing to fight for yourself and know that you're worth every bit of the struggle. I'm worth it.
There have been so many positive outcomes from my ordeal that I can't even count them. I got involved in Krav Maga for stress management in January of this year, fell in love with it, and joined in Muay Thai and Jiujitsu. I'm confident that I could hold my own in any kind of altercation and I enjoy fighting for sport, but more importantly, the self confidence I've gained from those activities has been life altering. Despite a few injuries and surgeries from fighting, there's absolutely nothing negative that I have to say about my experience with martial arts and Krav. I've met some amazing people that I'll always be friends with and the atmosphere at the academy is family oriented.
I've gotten to travel a lot this year which I'm always thankful for but it's been so much fun to travel with my friends. We've gotten to know each other better and have gotten to see each other in different environments other than our home. It's been a blast, I have the best people in my life.
I have a couple of new tattoos but the one closest to my heart is my Semicolon on my wrist. If you haven't heard of the Semicolon Project, google it. It's such a great way to bring awareness to depression and anxiety and self-harm and it lets people know that they're not alone. A semicolon is a place in a story where an author could have ended the sentence but they chose not to. In essence, you're the author and the sentence is your life. The semicolon tattoo is a way of letting the world know that you chose not to end your story.
Today I received my NASM Personal Training Certification so officially, I'm a personal trainer now. Studying was a TON of stress but again, I couldn't have passed without the support that I got from the people around me.
There's been a ton more that's happened and that is happening but honestly, the most important thing is that I'm legitimately HAPPY and I love who I've become. I don't regret spending 2 years of my life with someone that didn't love me because I've learned from it. Nobody can predict the future but you can learn a ton about yourself when you're willing to look at your past. You can also be sure that what I endured won't stop me from being willing to love someone else. There's no reward that comes from closing yourself off and putting up cement walls around your heart. Being hurt can only make you stronger but you have to let the hurt in when it comes and be willing to work with it and mold it into something that is going to make you a better person. Today I can successfully say that I've done that.
So after a year chock full of personal growth and new opportunities, I can truly say this:
HERE'S TO FINDING OUT WHO YOU REALLY ARE AND FINDING OUT WHAT YOU'RE MADE OF.
HERE'S TO CHOOSING TO THRIVE ON YOUR STRENGTHS AND YOUR WEAKNESSES. HERE'S TO THOSE THAT LOVE YOU NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE OR WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH.
Cheers ya'll.
Friday, May 1, 2015
4/30/15 Finally, I can BREATHE!
Holy moly! It's the end of APRIL. ALREADY. I can't even express how quickly time has flown by since the New Year. It seems like decades ago that I started this blog and didn't know where I was going to end up or which way to turn. I've really comes miles since that and as of today, can OFFICIALLY say that every part of my ex boyfriend is in my past.
The ex and I used to shop A LOT. For whatever reason I'd buy him this and that with no regard as to how it was going to effect me financially. After having no boyfriend for 7 months and having to pay bills that were from stuff I bought him from that time, I was able to wake up this morning and pay off EVERYTHING. I don't think anybody really knows how freeing that is but let me tell you, it's an AMAZING feeling. A few months before we broke up I almost had my one large credit card paid off. I think I only had $2000 left to pay on it. And then I made a big purchase for the ex and BAM. Back to square one. I have some theories as to why we buy people things but I really don't want to go into them in depth. In a nut shell, I kind of figure that we do these things for people we love because a) you like to make them happy or b) you're trying to buy their love. For me, the choice was A. I love to see people happy and I don't really think twice a lot of times about buying them something if it's something they need or even just something they'd want to have but can't get themselves. It's second nature because I do it for family and friends as well. In this case, my buying got out of hand and I ended up in a bigger hole than I could ever imagine. To the point where paying on interest on a credit card was ALL I was doing every month and there was no progress being made.
At this point in my life I'm thinking more about my future. There's things that I want to do in the near future but I can easily see the need to be able to pay off whatever I charge every month without racking up some huge debt. If I can't do some of those things when I want to, they're just going to have to wait because I refuse to go back into that hole for anybody, including myself.
I've never been the most financially responsible person but apparently it's time to step up and take on that challenge. Why not? I'm already on a mission to do other new things things year that I haven't done before so that's going on the list. :)
On another note, these past few months have been CRAZY exciting. I've gotten the opportunity to fly to CA to a training camp at Punishment Training Center (owned by Tito Ortiz) and will be trained for 2-3 days by Cris Cyborg. Google her if you don't know the name. It's going to be brutal and I'll probably need to write a will before I go but hey, its something I love and I'm good at. Plus, my training partner will be coming with me and she's just kick ass anyway so it'll be a good time.
I've been traveling a lot which everyone in the world knows I love to do. I'd like to plan something special for my birthday this year since I didn't do much of anything last year. We'll see. It's a little ways off and there's other priorities first that need to be taken care of.
I'm seeing someone new and I'm pretty excited about it but unless you know me and you're well informed, details shall be kept to myself. All I WILL say is that he actually SHOWS that he cares and that's pretty nice to have. He's younger and that's different for me but honestly, he's got his shit together more than some older people I've been with so it's really not a big deal. So there's that.
I'll be moving soon so that's going to be an adventure in itself. I'm sticking to VA for another year because I couldn't find a school on such short notice for my daughter but I think this is how things are meant to play out. I feel settled and on the right track at the moment with no major hang ups and that's a good thing. I feel like I'm focused on the right things and being the best person I can be right now and more so, I'm HAPPY with where I am in life.
I definitely haven't written in awhile and I'm okay with that. I come here when I feel called to do so and that's enough for me.
So, until next time. Here's to the small moments of struggling that have turned into a larger picture of success. Cheers.
I've been traveling a lot which everyone in the world knows I love to do. I'd like to plan something special for my birthday this year since I didn't do much of anything last year. We'll see. It's a little ways off and there's other priorities first that need to be taken care of.
I'm seeing someone new and I'm pretty excited about it but unless you know me and you're well informed, details shall be kept to myself. All I WILL say is that he actually SHOWS that he cares and that's pretty nice to have. He's younger and that's different for me but honestly, he's got his shit together more than some older people I've been with so it's really not a big deal. So there's that.
I'll be moving soon so that's going to be an adventure in itself. I'm sticking to VA for another year because I couldn't find a school on such short notice for my daughter but I think this is how things are meant to play out. I feel settled and on the right track at the moment with no major hang ups and that's a good thing. I feel like I'm focused on the right things and being the best person I can be right now and more so, I'm HAPPY with where I am in life.
I definitely haven't written in awhile and I'm okay with that. I come here when I feel called to do so and that's enough for me.
So, until next time. Here's to the small moments of struggling that have turned into a larger picture of success. Cheers.
Sunday, April 5, 2015
4/5/15 Easter & All It Had to Offer
I find myself posting here less and less as daily life consumes me. I think that's okay. I actually think that's a good thing. It means my heart and my head are getting back where they belong and I'm getting back on the track I need to be on.
I'm on a mission. I have a set of long and short term goals that I very much plan on meeting. Right now, a relationship isn't really on that list of goals unless a guy magically falls out of the sky and somebody decides to tap me on the shoulder and say "hey, you need to take time out of your schedules to date this one". And even then, that comment needs to be followed by a spread sheet of pros and cons with the pros heavily outweighing the latter. Every once in awhile I come across a guy that's nice to look at, chat with, flirt with, etc. but nobody has really proven to me why I need to stop the path I'm on right now (or at the very least, slow it down) to be with them. I'm okay with that.
Easter (or, Oestre if you're of the pagan beliefs) was a good one this year. It's always really exciting to see my daughter get so excited about her goodies in her Easter basket. We don't keep a lot of candy and sweets around the house so the bunny likes to deliver movies, gift cards, mad libs, and organic treats to make her happy. I really hope she never grows out of the fun of having characters deliver gifts. My mom & I still make little baskets for each other from the Easter Bunny and still label a few gifts "From Santa" at Christmas time. It just makes the holidays a little more magical and fun.
The only snag I seemed to hit today was having my ex pop up first thing this morning. One of those situations where you just kind of look sideways at your computer and go "Really? Do you really want to start with this crap right now?" I made the comment to my cousin and a friend yesterday "Ha! Tomorrow isn't just Easter, it's He Who Shall Not Be Named's Birthday! I'm going to celebrate not having to spend $ on him by going out and buying myself something nice!" I made the comment as a joke, offhand, with no intention of actually doing said buying and with no intention of giving my ex any other kind of thought. Apparently, the technological world had other ideas today. I fired up the good ol laptop earlier this afternoon with the intention of printing some tickets and boarding passes (vacation tomorrow!) and the very first thing on my laptop calendar reminder was "___ Birthday". Thanks for that MacBook. Eyeroll. Delete. I needed to put some videos onto my external hard drive so I fired that up and lo and behold, the first folder I see is from when the ex borrowed my hard drive and uploaded movies to it so his name and his movies popped up. Again, repeated eye rolling and deleting ensued but the irritation continued to hang around for a bit. One of those moments where you just kind of sit and breathe and go "REALLY?! Can't you just GO AWAY?!" Permanently? Forever? And whatever words might be synonyms for Permanently?
The path that I'm on currently does NOT include my ex, thinking about my ex, looking up my ex or any part of his life or the years that we had together. I'd quite like him to stop unexpectedly showing up! The path that I'm on very much includes moving in June as planned, finding an amazing job, and possibly even adding a Nutrition degree to my list of things I want to do. I'm thinking I may want to work with seniors once I move somewhere warmer. We'll see. Like I said, on a mission. I feel like great things are happening and I'm finally in a place where I'm happy and on the right track again.
I truly enjoyed today over all. My mom cooked a great meal and my daughter and I hung out at her house. It's FINALLY starting to get warm outside and so we played in the yard with our dogs and enjoyed the weather. I'm definitely thankful for my family and the chance to be with them as much as possible. My mind and body are healing (I'm back to Krav & lifting at the gym! Yay!) and I couldn't ask for a better group of friends and family that have stood by me in these last 6 months (that long already, I know, time flies!).
Tomorrow is a new day and my munchkin and I are off to paradise for a couple days for Spring Break. More on that when we return though. :)
Here's to the hangups and little snags in life that make us fight even harder to reach our goals. Cheers!
I'm on a mission. I have a set of long and short term goals that I very much plan on meeting. Right now, a relationship isn't really on that list of goals unless a guy magically falls out of the sky and somebody decides to tap me on the shoulder and say "hey, you need to take time out of your schedules to date this one". And even then, that comment needs to be followed by a spread sheet of pros and cons with the pros heavily outweighing the latter. Every once in awhile I come across a guy that's nice to look at, chat with, flirt with, etc. but nobody has really proven to me why I need to stop the path I'm on right now (or at the very least, slow it down) to be with them. I'm okay with that.
Easter (or, Oestre if you're of the pagan beliefs) was a good one this year. It's always really exciting to see my daughter get so excited about her goodies in her Easter basket. We don't keep a lot of candy and sweets around the house so the bunny likes to deliver movies, gift cards, mad libs, and organic treats to make her happy. I really hope she never grows out of the fun of having characters deliver gifts. My mom & I still make little baskets for each other from the Easter Bunny and still label a few gifts "From Santa" at Christmas time. It just makes the holidays a little more magical and fun.
The only snag I seemed to hit today was having my ex pop up first thing this morning. One of those situations where you just kind of look sideways at your computer and go "Really? Do you really want to start with this crap right now?" I made the comment to my cousin and a friend yesterday "Ha! Tomorrow isn't just Easter, it's He Who Shall Not Be Named's Birthday! I'm going to celebrate not having to spend $ on him by going out and buying myself something nice!" I made the comment as a joke, offhand, with no intention of actually doing said buying and with no intention of giving my ex any other kind of thought. Apparently, the technological world had other ideas today. I fired up the good ol laptop earlier this afternoon with the intention of printing some tickets and boarding passes (vacation tomorrow!) and the very first thing on my laptop calendar reminder was "___ Birthday". Thanks for that MacBook. Eyeroll. Delete. I needed to put some videos onto my external hard drive so I fired that up and lo and behold, the first folder I see is from when the ex borrowed my hard drive and uploaded movies to it so his name and his movies popped up. Again, repeated eye rolling and deleting ensued but the irritation continued to hang around for a bit. One of those moments where you just kind of sit and breathe and go "REALLY?! Can't you just GO AWAY?!" Permanently? Forever? And whatever words might be synonyms for Permanently?
The path that I'm on currently does NOT include my ex, thinking about my ex, looking up my ex or any part of his life or the years that we had together. I'd quite like him to stop unexpectedly showing up! The path that I'm on very much includes moving in June as planned, finding an amazing job, and possibly even adding a Nutrition degree to my list of things I want to do. I'm thinking I may want to work with seniors once I move somewhere warmer. We'll see. Like I said, on a mission. I feel like great things are happening and I'm finally in a place where I'm happy and on the right track again.
I truly enjoyed today over all. My mom cooked a great meal and my daughter and I hung out at her house. It's FINALLY starting to get warm outside and so we played in the yard with our dogs and enjoyed the weather. I'm definitely thankful for my family and the chance to be with them as much as possible. My mind and body are healing (I'm back to Krav & lifting at the gym! Yay!) and I couldn't ask for a better group of friends and family that have stood by me in these last 6 months (that long already, I know, time flies!).
Tomorrow is a new day and my munchkin and I are off to paradise for a couple days for Spring Break. More on that when we return though. :)
Here's to the hangups and little snags in life that make us fight even harder to reach our goals. Cheers!
Friday, March 6, 2015
3/6/2015 Losing a Father, Twice
At 31, I've been through A LOT. More than I care to discuss with the public of the internet but if you know me well then you know my background and the things that have come and gone along with it over the years.
To me, in order to define yourself as a dad, you need to be present in your child's life. You need to be present in their memories of birthdays, Christmas, and every other random day of the year that passes by without a thought. Anyone can be a father to a child but it takes somebody that has real courage to stand up and be a dad.
I've had the privilege of having both types of men in my life (and yes, I'm calling it that because it's taught me A LOT about parenting and I wouldn't be who I am without both types of men in my life). As a child, you instinctively love your parents. A child only shies away from their parents if fear is instilled or not enough attention is given or some kind of situation like that is present.
When I was in L.A. this past week my mom called and informed me that my father had passed away (biological). I knew he had been very sick (cancer, emphysema, etc) and I even went to see him in the hospital a couple days after I had shoulder surgery. I decided that I'd go and visit because if he needed closure before he passed away, then I wanted to give it to him so that he could hopefully go in peace. Besides not looking anything like the guy I remember, he was still stubborn and hard headed which completely runs in our family.
In my case, my biological father was an alcoholic and was physically abusive to me and my mom at various moments during my childhood. One of my earliest memories of him is with me being crouched in the narrow hallway just outside of my bedroom in the wee hours of the morning and seeing him toss my mom across the living room during one of their arguments. I was maybe 3? My parents divorced when I was 7 and a year or so later my mom remarried. Over the years I went to visit my dad upon occasion - the last time I had seen him before he got sick was when I was 4 months pregnant with my daughter. My daughter's dad and I went down to visit him to let him know he was going to be a grandfather. I tried keeping in touch by sending cards over the years or going to my grandparents when I knew he would be there but I think there's only so much one person can do when the other party doesn't make an effort. My mom re-married a year or so after the divorce and we moved in with my step-dad which was a totally different world. I've shut a lot of things out about my early childhood but over the past few days, I've come to realize that my father will always be my father. I may not have a lot of "daddy" memories of him but I've pulled a few out of my childhood vault that have made me smile and laugh because when my father was around and was in a good mood, things were as they should be in any family. Happy. He had a great smile, a great laugh, and the bottom line is that I know he loved me, he just didn't know how to show it and couldn't find the courage to sober up enough to help keep our family together. I saw this love when I went to his house the other evening and he had 2 photos of me on his wall: one from my high school graduation that I had sent him, and one from when I was a baby.
So, before I continue, here are the happy memories that I pulled out from a very dusty shelf when going through my father's things in the trailer the other evening:
1) Learning to ride a bike with him. I think this should probably be something that every single child has the honor to keep in their memory bank with one or both of their parents. And every single parent should die knowing that they helped their child to learn to ride a bike.
2) Sitting in my dad's tow-truck with him and feeling like I was on top of the world. I can look at pictures of the truck now and know it wasn't that big but as a kid, it was HUGE and I loved it.
3) Washing the tires of my dad's old cars he was building and had sitting around. It was my job and I took it seriously. I credit the fact that I love cars and everything to do with them to my mom & dad who both raced and loved cars.
I'm sure there are other memories but those pop to the surface first when thinking about things.
I also got to bring some things home thanks to my Uncle & his wife that let me come down and go through everything. The things that I brought home? MY toy cars. It's an honor for me to be able to give them to my daughter to play with. She loves cars and trucks as much as I did when I was a kid and today we built a whole cars land on the living room floor that had a garage, a rescue center, a military base, and a construction site. I also brought back my dad's old belt buckles. He LOVED belt buckles and I can't remember seeing him without one on. There must be 15 different belt buckles but I'll keep them forever and probably pull them out and go through them upon occasion. Marbles. I loved marbles as a kid and forever had them rolling around the living room floor. So now they'll belong to my munchkin too and I can get upset when I step on them or they ruin my vacuum cleaner. And, last but very not least, family photos. Photos of my parents before I was born, photos of my dads cars, photos of me, and photos of us together on occasion.
I have to laugh because now I know where I get my general need to keep anything that might be of value in some form or another. My father kept EVERYTHING. Tomorrow is his funeral and despite not really being able to figure out a lot of emotions I've had over the past week or so, I know that he deserves my presence there and I'm happy that he can finally be at rest.
In 2001, my step-dad committed suicide (I was a junior in high school). Despite being totally blindsided with the news when I got it, I never knew he was unhappy. He was always present, always aware of what I was doing (sometimes to the point of annoyance but I think that's the job of any dad in any teenagers life), and always ready to hear me out if I wanted to talk. After my mom got remarried, we moved to a 344 acre farm a town over from where we lived with my biological father. It was a kids heaven on earth. A mile long driveway, space to run and play, a creek to play in, trails to walk, etc. etc. As a teenager, I hated it. It was 30 minutes from any of my friends and I had to wake up stupidly early to commute to school. I couldn't sneak out because the driveway was a mile long and my friends lived so far they certainly weren't coming to get me in the middle of the night. Alas, I had a boring few years as a teenager because I lived on a farm (side note: I'm completely moving to the country when my daughter is a teenager to keep her out of trouble!). In retrospect, I loved growing up here, I loved having a present step-dad that cared too much, and I miss every single bit of it and would give anything to go back to those moments. My step-dad is the one that I call my "dad" when I talk to friends and family. My memories range from riding on the tractor with him and feeding cows to sitting with him on the back porch and watching thunderstorms to having typical teenager arguments about friends that he thought were bad choices. The moments that he was able to give me growing up are what I list as my "daddy" memories.
As a dear friend pointed out to me the other day, I'm lucky to have both of these men in my life. I'm lucky that I even have the few good memories with my biological father because even those could have been bad and there are people that don't even get those few memories. I'll treasure those forever because I know that without him and without the tough moments, I really wouldn't be who I am today. He's my foundation that I've grown up on. I'll always remember him with his darkened olive skin, jet black hair, huge belt buckles, and cover alls as he worked on his cars outside.
I'm thankful that my step-dad taught me things on the complete other end of the spectrum of life. How to manage money (I'm not very good at it, just take a look at the dozens of shoes in my closet), how to mow grass in straight lines so they evened up with the house (I think he was a bit OCD), and how to appreciate the simplicity of a thunderstorm.
Both of these fathers/dads had their faults but faults in a person are what make them who they are. Faults are what make a person special and what give others the memories (good and bad) that they can cherish forever. If a person was perfect all the time they'd be utterly boring and we wouldn't have anything to remember about them because they would never do or say anything that would engage us.
Here's to you guys, both my father and my dad. I miss you both and will cherish the memories that I've pulled from the dusty shelves.
And, here's to being parents anyway that we can figure out how. Because somewhere along the line, we're going to screw up but as long as we love our kids and spend the random days of the year with them washing tires on cars and watching thunderstorms from the porch, then they'll be okay. Because those are the days they'll remember most. Cheers.
To me, in order to define yourself as a dad, you need to be present in your child's life. You need to be present in their memories of birthdays, Christmas, and every other random day of the year that passes by without a thought. Anyone can be a father to a child but it takes somebody that has real courage to stand up and be a dad.
I've had the privilege of having both types of men in my life (and yes, I'm calling it that because it's taught me A LOT about parenting and I wouldn't be who I am without both types of men in my life). As a child, you instinctively love your parents. A child only shies away from their parents if fear is instilled or not enough attention is given or some kind of situation like that is present.
When I was in L.A. this past week my mom called and informed me that my father had passed away (biological). I knew he had been very sick (cancer, emphysema, etc) and I even went to see him in the hospital a couple days after I had shoulder surgery. I decided that I'd go and visit because if he needed closure before he passed away, then I wanted to give it to him so that he could hopefully go in peace. Besides not looking anything like the guy I remember, he was still stubborn and hard headed which completely runs in our family.
In my case, my biological father was an alcoholic and was physically abusive to me and my mom at various moments during my childhood. One of my earliest memories of him is with me being crouched in the narrow hallway just outside of my bedroom in the wee hours of the morning and seeing him toss my mom across the living room during one of their arguments. I was maybe 3? My parents divorced when I was 7 and a year or so later my mom remarried. Over the years I went to visit my dad upon occasion - the last time I had seen him before he got sick was when I was 4 months pregnant with my daughter. My daughter's dad and I went down to visit him to let him know he was going to be a grandfather. I tried keeping in touch by sending cards over the years or going to my grandparents when I knew he would be there but I think there's only so much one person can do when the other party doesn't make an effort. My mom re-married a year or so after the divorce and we moved in with my step-dad which was a totally different world. I've shut a lot of things out about my early childhood but over the past few days, I've come to realize that my father will always be my father. I may not have a lot of "daddy" memories of him but I've pulled a few out of my childhood vault that have made me smile and laugh because when my father was around and was in a good mood, things were as they should be in any family. Happy. He had a great smile, a great laugh, and the bottom line is that I know he loved me, he just didn't know how to show it and couldn't find the courage to sober up enough to help keep our family together. I saw this love when I went to his house the other evening and he had 2 photos of me on his wall: one from my high school graduation that I had sent him, and one from when I was a baby.
So, before I continue, here are the happy memories that I pulled out from a very dusty shelf when going through my father's things in the trailer the other evening:
1) Learning to ride a bike with him. I think this should probably be something that every single child has the honor to keep in their memory bank with one or both of their parents. And every single parent should die knowing that they helped their child to learn to ride a bike.
2) Sitting in my dad's tow-truck with him and feeling like I was on top of the world. I can look at pictures of the truck now and know it wasn't that big but as a kid, it was HUGE and I loved it.
3) Washing the tires of my dad's old cars he was building and had sitting around. It was my job and I took it seriously. I credit the fact that I love cars and everything to do with them to my mom & dad who both raced and loved cars.
I'm sure there are other memories but those pop to the surface first when thinking about things.
I also got to bring some things home thanks to my Uncle & his wife that let me come down and go through everything. The things that I brought home? MY toy cars. It's an honor for me to be able to give them to my daughter to play with. She loves cars and trucks as much as I did when I was a kid and today we built a whole cars land on the living room floor that had a garage, a rescue center, a military base, and a construction site. I also brought back my dad's old belt buckles. He LOVED belt buckles and I can't remember seeing him without one on. There must be 15 different belt buckles but I'll keep them forever and probably pull them out and go through them upon occasion. Marbles. I loved marbles as a kid and forever had them rolling around the living room floor. So now they'll belong to my munchkin too and I can get upset when I step on them or they ruin my vacuum cleaner. And, last but very not least, family photos. Photos of my parents before I was born, photos of my dads cars, photos of me, and photos of us together on occasion.
I have to laugh because now I know where I get my general need to keep anything that might be of value in some form or another. My father kept EVERYTHING. Tomorrow is his funeral and despite not really being able to figure out a lot of emotions I've had over the past week or so, I know that he deserves my presence there and I'm happy that he can finally be at rest.
In 2001, my step-dad committed suicide (I was a junior in high school). Despite being totally blindsided with the news when I got it, I never knew he was unhappy. He was always present, always aware of what I was doing (sometimes to the point of annoyance but I think that's the job of any dad in any teenagers life), and always ready to hear me out if I wanted to talk. After my mom got remarried, we moved to a 344 acre farm a town over from where we lived with my biological father. It was a kids heaven on earth. A mile long driveway, space to run and play, a creek to play in, trails to walk, etc. etc. As a teenager, I hated it. It was 30 minutes from any of my friends and I had to wake up stupidly early to commute to school. I couldn't sneak out because the driveway was a mile long and my friends lived so far they certainly weren't coming to get me in the middle of the night. Alas, I had a boring few years as a teenager because I lived on a farm (side note: I'm completely moving to the country when my daughter is a teenager to keep her out of trouble!). In retrospect, I loved growing up here, I loved having a present step-dad that cared too much, and I miss every single bit of it and would give anything to go back to those moments. My step-dad is the one that I call my "dad" when I talk to friends and family. My memories range from riding on the tractor with him and feeding cows to sitting with him on the back porch and watching thunderstorms to having typical teenager arguments about friends that he thought were bad choices. The moments that he was able to give me growing up are what I list as my "daddy" memories.
As a dear friend pointed out to me the other day, I'm lucky to have both of these men in my life. I'm lucky that I even have the few good memories with my biological father because even those could have been bad and there are people that don't even get those few memories. I'll treasure those forever because I know that without him and without the tough moments, I really wouldn't be who I am today. He's my foundation that I've grown up on. I'll always remember him with his darkened olive skin, jet black hair, huge belt buckles, and cover alls as he worked on his cars outside.
I'm thankful that my step-dad taught me things on the complete other end of the spectrum of life. How to manage money (I'm not very good at it, just take a look at the dozens of shoes in my closet), how to mow grass in straight lines so they evened up with the house (I think he was a bit OCD), and how to appreciate the simplicity of a thunderstorm.
Both of these fathers/dads had their faults but faults in a person are what make them who they are. Faults are what make a person special and what give others the memories (good and bad) that they can cherish forever. If a person was perfect all the time they'd be utterly boring and we wouldn't have anything to remember about them because they would never do or say anything that would engage us.
Here's to you guys, both my father and my dad. I miss you both and will cherish the memories that I've pulled from the dusty shelves.
And, here's to being parents anyway that we can figure out how. Because somewhere along the line, we're going to screw up but as long as we love our kids and spend the random days of the year with them washing tires on cars and watching thunderstorms from the porch, then they'll be okay. Because those are the days they'll remember most. Cheers.
Saturday, February 21, 2015
2/21/15 - Let me Clear my Head
Boy oh boy, I woke up this morning all out of sorts. I had SO many dreams last night about my ex that when I woke up I really wanted to go downstairs and take it out on my wave master. Alas, my shoulder is healing and I can't use it like that YET.
Ironically, he wasn't actually IN my dreams (in person) but they revolved around him. The entire night was one ongoing dream about him cheating on me with his girlfriend and them being together for a good while before he and I broke up. It had random people in it and random places but every time a new location popped up, there was somebody there asking what happened and when I explained it to them, they were so confused and saying "well that doesn't add up. He was cheating on you as soon as he moved to DC". No kidding. I've had this happen in real life as well...as soon as I tell the person I broke up with my boyfriend in late September, he talked to me through the 3rd week of October saying he missed me and it was so hard not talking to me, and then by the end of October ignored me completely, they ALWAYS respond "That's too soon to just meet somebody and start having a relationship after being with somebody for 2 years, he was seeing her before that".
Anyway, I just wanted to write about the dream thing this morning so I can get it off my mind. I woke up being bothered because in the dream sequence there was a background of my ex traveling around with his new girlfriend here and there. Honestly the thought of this does bother me but not why you'd think. It bothers me because he always claimed he barely had any money. He owes my mom THOUSANDS of dollars and is paying her a measly $200 a month which is going to take him like, 6 years to pay off. So if he and his girlfriend really do do any traveling then he just needs to get his shit together, step up, and pay off my mom first. I think his plan is to hopefully get her paid off when he deploys in September over seas but seriously, that's like 3 years you've owed somebody money. Get your shit together.
So, with all that said, I'm going to get up and go make breakfast on this very cold and very snowy Saturday morning. I was up until 3am (night before was 1am and night before that 5am) so I'm a bit tired and have a headache. Plus, my shoulder really does hurt horribly today. I over used it yesterday because I took it out of the sling since that was annoying me. I had a few errands to do this morning before my Krav seminar this evening but I'm not sure I'm going to get out to do those because of this crazy weather. I REALLY can't wait to get out of VA and go somewhere warmer. It's going to be great to be able to pack up some winter clothes and put them away and forget about them, at least for awhile.
I'm also looking forward to busting out my flip flops for my trip next weekend to Los Angeles!! THAT is be a blast!
Not a whole lot has happened this week to report on. I did get a new car. However, I had no intention of getting a new car! I went to the dealership to see about refinancing my X3 because the payments were SO high and just killing me monthly. It ended up being $300 a month cheaper to lease a new vehicle and on top of that, it's a 4 series which is AMAZING. It's AWD which is great and has a ton of room. I didn't really need the SUV because I have the Jeep.
Alright well, breakfast time it is. I'm pretty hungry. Hopefully its a good day and I can indeed get out of the house for a bit. Snow boots it is. I miss you flip flops!
Here's to a cleared, peaceful mind and a good start to the day. Cheers.
Ironically, he wasn't actually IN my dreams (in person) but they revolved around him. The entire night was one ongoing dream about him cheating on me with his girlfriend and them being together for a good while before he and I broke up. It had random people in it and random places but every time a new location popped up, there was somebody there asking what happened and when I explained it to them, they were so confused and saying "well that doesn't add up. He was cheating on you as soon as he moved to DC". No kidding. I've had this happen in real life as well...as soon as I tell the person I broke up with my boyfriend in late September, he talked to me through the 3rd week of October saying he missed me and it was so hard not talking to me, and then by the end of October ignored me completely, they ALWAYS respond "That's too soon to just meet somebody and start having a relationship after being with somebody for 2 years, he was seeing her before that".
Anyway, I just wanted to write about the dream thing this morning so I can get it off my mind. I woke up being bothered because in the dream sequence there was a background of my ex traveling around with his new girlfriend here and there. Honestly the thought of this does bother me but not why you'd think. It bothers me because he always claimed he barely had any money. He owes my mom THOUSANDS of dollars and is paying her a measly $200 a month which is going to take him like, 6 years to pay off. So if he and his girlfriend really do do any traveling then he just needs to get his shit together, step up, and pay off my mom first. I think his plan is to hopefully get her paid off when he deploys in September over seas but seriously, that's like 3 years you've owed somebody money. Get your shit together.
So, with all that said, I'm going to get up and go make breakfast on this very cold and very snowy Saturday morning. I was up until 3am (night before was 1am and night before that 5am) so I'm a bit tired and have a headache. Plus, my shoulder really does hurt horribly today. I over used it yesterday because I took it out of the sling since that was annoying me. I had a few errands to do this morning before my Krav seminar this evening but I'm not sure I'm going to get out to do those because of this crazy weather. I REALLY can't wait to get out of VA and go somewhere warmer. It's going to be great to be able to pack up some winter clothes and put them away and forget about them, at least for awhile.
I'm also looking forward to busting out my flip flops for my trip next weekend to Los Angeles!! THAT is be a blast!
Not a whole lot has happened this week to report on. I did get a new car. However, I had no intention of getting a new car! I went to the dealership to see about refinancing my X3 because the payments were SO high and just killing me monthly. It ended up being $300 a month cheaper to lease a new vehicle and on top of that, it's a 4 series which is AMAZING. It's AWD which is great and has a ton of room. I didn't really need the SUV because I have the Jeep.
Alright well, breakfast time it is. I'm pretty hungry. Hopefully its a good day and I can indeed get out of the house for a bit. Snow boots it is. I miss you flip flops!
Here's to a cleared, peaceful mind and a good start to the day. Cheers.
Saturday, February 14, 2015
Why I'm Perfectly Happy without a "Valentine"
Hearts, flowers, candy...
Red, pink, white...
Rinse, lather, repeat....
...It all starts to sound and look the same after awhile.
As a kid, Valentine's Day is exciting because you get to make handmade cards for your friends at school, have parties with all kinds of treats that your mom won't let you eat at 10am at home, and find out if that boy you like has a crush on you. As you get older, you become more aware of the fact that Valentine's Day is more about buying stuff than showing love. It's my personal opinion that if you can tell someone you love them 365 days out of the year, why do you need to have one specific day that's dedicated to that? So you don't look like a goober by telling someone how you actually feel? Trust me on this, take that leap any other day of the year...she won't think you're ridiculous!
I like Valentine's Day because I have a daughter who likes Valentine's Day. That's about the extent of it. If I'm dating someone, I don't want to feel the pressure of having to pick out something to buy them. Lets go out to dinner together or lets have a kid-date where we can take the kid with us and everyone can be happy.
Every year previous to this one I would dread this "holiday" if I wasn't dating someone. This year is a little different. It's been almost 5 months since I broke up with my ex and trust me when I say that February wasn't a month I was looking forward to. The 15th (tomorrow) would be our 2 year anniversary and with V-day being the day before that, I just KNEW I was going to sit and be a wreck all day. That was 5 months ago. Fast forward to...well, right now...
There is SO much more that is going on in my head right now but most importantly, I'm happy being by myself. I don't particularly care that I don't have a significant other to share today with because I have my daughter. My cousin is even visiting from NJ so I'm very much looking forward to seeing her today and going to dinner this evening. I have these amazing friends that put up with me day in and day out that I just love to the end of the earth because you KNOW they're good people to the core. I'm happy, I'm healthy, and I'm generally loving my life every single day.
There are definitely times when it would be awesome to sit and be able to text someone about insignificant details from my day or have someone that I knew was my other half or to spend weekends with but wishing for those times have become far and few between and for that, I'm SO thankful. When I think about a future relationship I may have, I don't think about my ex because I know that my next relationship will be different. There will be a totally different type of person that I'm with because I deem it so. I've made the positive changes that I needed to in order to break the cycle of dating the same type of person. So, for now, I'm content to just sit and wait for that person to be put in front of me when it's time. I don't feel the need to go on a hunt for him because I'm too excited to see what's in store for me on a day to day basis.
On that note, despite recovering from having my bicep muscle re-anchored, a bone shaved off in the top of my shoulder, and a rotator cuff tear repaired, I'm happy to say that February has started off and continues to show the promise of finishing out as a wonderful, busy, month. With or without a Valentine, 2015 is sure looking good.
So here's to actually celebrating the things that make you happy on a daily basis and finding that you don't NEED to have anyone but yourself, your family, & your close friends to make you smile. Cheers.
Red, pink, white...
Rinse, lather, repeat....
...It all starts to sound and look the same after awhile.
As a kid, Valentine's Day is exciting because you get to make handmade cards for your friends at school, have parties with all kinds of treats that your mom won't let you eat at 10am at home, and find out if that boy you like has a crush on you. As you get older, you become more aware of the fact that Valentine's Day is more about buying stuff than showing love. It's my personal opinion that if you can tell someone you love them 365 days out of the year, why do you need to have one specific day that's dedicated to that? So you don't look like a goober by telling someone how you actually feel? Trust me on this, take that leap any other day of the year...she won't think you're ridiculous!
I like Valentine's Day because I have a daughter who likes Valentine's Day. That's about the extent of it. If I'm dating someone, I don't want to feel the pressure of having to pick out something to buy them. Lets go out to dinner together or lets have a kid-date where we can take the kid with us and everyone can be happy.
Every year previous to this one I would dread this "holiday" if I wasn't dating someone. This year is a little different. It's been almost 5 months since I broke up with my ex and trust me when I say that February wasn't a month I was looking forward to. The 15th (tomorrow) would be our 2 year anniversary and with V-day being the day before that, I just KNEW I was going to sit and be a wreck all day. That was 5 months ago. Fast forward to...well, right now...
There is SO much more that is going on in my head right now but most importantly, I'm happy being by myself. I don't particularly care that I don't have a significant other to share today with because I have my daughter. My cousin is even visiting from NJ so I'm very much looking forward to seeing her today and going to dinner this evening. I have these amazing friends that put up with me day in and day out that I just love to the end of the earth because you KNOW they're good people to the core. I'm happy, I'm healthy, and I'm generally loving my life every single day.
There are definitely times when it would be awesome to sit and be able to text someone about insignificant details from my day or have someone that I knew was my other half or to spend weekends with but wishing for those times have become far and few between and for that, I'm SO thankful. When I think about a future relationship I may have, I don't think about my ex because I know that my next relationship will be different. There will be a totally different type of person that I'm with because I deem it so. I've made the positive changes that I needed to in order to break the cycle of dating the same type of person. So, for now, I'm content to just sit and wait for that person to be put in front of me when it's time. I don't feel the need to go on a hunt for him because I'm too excited to see what's in store for me on a day to day basis.
On that note, despite recovering from having my bicep muscle re-anchored, a bone shaved off in the top of my shoulder, and a rotator cuff tear repaired, I'm happy to say that February has started off and continues to show the promise of finishing out as a wonderful, busy, month. With or without a Valentine, 2015 is sure looking good.
So here's to actually celebrating the things that make you happy on a daily basis and finding that you don't NEED to have anyone but yourself, your family, & your close friends to make you smile. Cheers.
Sunday, February 1, 2015
2/1/2015 Bowl Day Lessons and Reflections
Well, being since it's the day where Americans bow down and worship a football and the guys that throw it around for sport and get paid multi-millions of dollars for it, I'm going to just go ahead & assume it's Super Bowl Sunday. I don't have a problem with the Superbowl or with football at all but I do generally feel like players are WAY overpaid for something that isn't that significant. They make a huge amount more than our military members make and they probably have better health care coverage as well. But, I digress, because this post isn't about football at all.
I've been toying around with doing another post but it just hasn't felt like it's been the right time and I don't want to feel forced to write. So the past couple days I've been sort of reflecting on how quickly this past year truly went. I tend to do that when there was a big event in 2014 and the same event arrives in 2015. Hence: SuperBowl. Last year, my Christmas gift to my ex boyfriend was a hand made puzzle box. It had 2 compartments. In one, I had purchased a David Yurman leather wrap bracelet that I knew he wanted and I put it in the smaller drawer. In the other drawer, I folded up the 2 pieces of paper that I designed telling him I was taking him to the SuperBowl. I spent awhile online trying to find a really good looking template that looked like SuperBowl tickets and then entered in info on them: Date, Time, Place, Given to you By: Best girlfriend ever. So anyway, I guess my ex knew ahead of time that I had gotten him tickets so when he opened his gift he wasn't that excited. I, however, was bouncing off the walls because it meant a trip to NYC for me as well and I'm always excited for that! I was truly disappointed at his lack of enthusiasm though because I had put a lot of thought into what I wanted to do for him. We did get to go explore NYC for a few days, spent way too much money like we always did when we travelled, and went to see if we could upgrade the seats I got him for the game because he wasn't happy with them. They weren't great seats, I will definitely admit that, but they were EXPENSIVE. I certainly was happy just staying in our seats and watching from where we were but there was kind of an attitude from my ex that was a bit annoyed that I hadn't gotten better seats. It was upsetting and a bit hurtful to me but hey, we talked it out and went on about our trip.
Lesson 1) Don't spend stupid amounts of $ on someone, ever, if they haven't done the same for you and if you know deep down inside that they aren't going to commit.
I am proud to say though, that I can sit back and reflect on these moments, and I'm not angry or upset. It's just a memory to me right now, an experience that I can talk about, something fun that I got to do and add to my list of cool stuff in my life.
Change of pace: Last night I went out with an old friend, and 2 friend's of his. My friend and I have known each other since 2008. He and I met up and watched a movie at his place and then went and had dinner and met everyone else at BW3's to watch the UFC Fight. I was SO excited just to be out because it's been ages since I've been out to watch a fight. Hanging out with people after you haven't done so in awhile tends to A) Wake you up even when it's way past your bed time (I got home at 230am which is unheard of) and B) make you think about why you're there. So here's what I came up with:
I was able to go out & spend time with friends because I WANTED TO. There was no second thought in my mind about maybe not doing it because I had someone I'd have to talk to about what their opinion and feelings about the situation were. There was no one to answer to or argue with and I didn't have to explain for the billionth time that my guy friend and I are JUST FRIENDS. We've been friends for 6 years and that's not going to change because he's a true friend and he's got my back when I need it and vice versa. I also have friends available to hang out with. What I mean, is that when I'm in a relationship, I tend to push away my guy friends for fear of the person I'm with getting jealous. It's so nice to not have to do that. I don't have to deal with someone who's insecure and is going to give me a guilt trip about being out. I realize this works both ways - I get jealous and insecure too. But if you've taken the time to introduce me to your friends, and I KNOW they're just friends, then go on with it. Have a fun evening, and I'll talk to you when you get back or if you have a break. Don't be hypocritical and get upset when I get jealous that you're going out with a female friend if you're not letting me go out with a male friend. There's lines for these things that need to be drawn and understood. But right now, I'm glad that there's no lines. I'd greatly like to find somebody that is okay with me having male friends, wants to meet them, come hang out, and is willing to do the same for me with their friends.
So, the fight was awesome, Silva defended his title like the Champ that he is and the commercials showing the spots for UFC184 at the end of the month have me wanting to get in the gym even harder and just train as much as humanly even possible. I have so much respect for the fighters and what they put themselves through and I'd love to be able to have their endurance and strength and skills.
Anyway, so my lesson for the day: It's much better to not be in a relationship and to be able to do what you want to do and not have to answer to anyone rather than to be in an on going miserable
relationship where you're giving everything and not getting anything in return except for
contradicting feelings and statements to what you're giving out. Yes, I want a relationship. But it's going to need to be with someone that's just going to let me be me. No more changing myself for people or putting off my family and friends because they make the other person uncomfortable or the other person wants you all to themselves. If they can't accept your family & friends then they're not the right person for you and really aren't accepting you as a whole.
Until then, so thankful for the true friends I have that were there before my relationships and that have stuck with me through them. You guys are the ones that pull me through all the crap and I'm thankful for every one of you.
Here's to true friends that have your back no matter what, taking a full year to realize some of life's most important lessons, being able to reflect on the past and be okay with it, and most importantly, here's to truly being happy with yourself and who you are. Cheers.
I've been toying around with doing another post but it just hasn't felt like it's been the right time and I don't want to feel forced to write. So the past couple days I've been sort of reflecting on how quickly this past year truly went. I tend to do that when there was a big event in 2014 and the same event arrives in 2015. Hence: SuperBowl. Last year, my Christmas gift to my ex boyfriend was a hand made puzzle box. It had 2 compartments. In one, I had purchased a David Yurman leather wrap bracelet that I knew he wanted and I put it in the smaller drawer. In the other drawer, I folded up the 2 pieces of paper that I designed telling him I was taking him to the SuperBowl. I spent awhile online trying to find a really good looking template that looked like SuperBowl tickets and then entered in info on them: Date, Time, Place, Given to you By: Best girlfriend ever. So anyway, I guess my ex knew ahead of time that I had gotten him tickets so when he opened his gift he wasn't that excited. I, however, was bouncing off the walls because it meant a trip to NYC for me as well and I'm always excited for that! I was truly disappointed at his lack of enthusiasm though because I had put a lot of thought into what I wanted to do for him. We did get to go explore NYC for a few days, spent way too much money like we always did when we travelled, and went to see if we could upgrade the seats I got him for the game because he wasn't happy with them. They weren't great seats, I will definitely admit that, but they were EXPENSIVE. I certainly was happy just staying in our seats and watching from where we were but there was kind of an attitude from my ex that was a bit annoyed that I hadn't gotten better seats. It was upsetting and a bit hurtful to me but hey, we talked it out and went on about our trip.
Lesson 1) Don't spend stupid amounts of $ on someone, ever, if they haven't done the same for you and if you know deep down inside that they aren't going to commit.
I am proud to say though, that I can sit back and reflect on these moments, and I'm not angry or upset. It's just a memory to me right now, an experience that I can talk about, something fun that I got to do and add to my list of cool stuff in my life.
Change of pace: Last night I went out with an old friend, and 2 friend's of his. My friend and I have known each other since 2008. He and I met up and watched a movie at his place and then went and had dinner and met everyone else at BW3's to watch the UFC Fight. I was SO excited just to be out because it's been ages since I've been out to watch a fight. Hanging out with people after you haven't done so in awhile tends to A) Wake you up even when it's way past your bed time (I got home at 230am which is unheard of) and B) make you think about why you're there. So here's what I came up with:
I was able to go out & spend time with friends because I WANTED TO. There was no second thought in my mind about maybe not doing it because I had someone I'd have to talk to about what their opinion and feelings about the situation were. There was no one to answer to or argue with and I didn't have to explain for the billionth time that my guy friend and I are JUST FRIENDS. We've been friends for 6 years and that's not going to change because he's a true friend and he's got my back when I need it and vice versa. I also have friends available to hang out with. What I mean, is that when I'm in a relationship, I tend to push away my guy friends for fear of the person I'm with getting jealous. It's so nice to not have to do that. I don't have to deal with someone who's insecure and is going to give me a guilt trip about being out. I realize this works both ways - I get jealous and insecure too. But if you've taken the time to introduce me to your friends, and I KNOW they're just friends, then go on with it. Have a fun evening, and I'll talk to you when you get back or if you have a break. Don't be hypocritical and get upset when I get jealous that you're going out with a female friend if you're not letting me go out with a male friend. There's lines for these things that need to be drawn and understood. But right now, I'm glad that there's no lines. I'd greatly like to find somebody that is okay with me having male friends, wants to meet them, come hang out, and is willing to do the same for me with their friends.
So, the fight was awesome, Silva defended his title like the Champ that he is and the commercials showing the spots for UFC184 at the end of the month have me wanting to get in the gym even harder and just train as much as humanly even possible. I have so much respect for the fighters and what they put themselves through and I'd love to be able to have their endurance and strength and skills.
Anyway, so my lesson for the day: It's much better to not be in a relationship and to be able to do what you want to do and not have to answer to anyone rather than to be in an on going miserable
relationship where you're giving everything and not getting anything in return except for
contradicting feelings and statements to what you're giving out. Yes, I want a relationship. But it's going to need to be with someone that's just going to let me be me. No more changing myself for people or putting off my family and friends because they make the other person uncomfortable or the other person wants you all to themselves. If they can't accept your family & friends then they're not the right person for you and really aren't accepting you as a whole.
Until then, so thankful for the true friends I have that were there before my relationships and that have stuck with me through them. You guys are the ones that pull me through all the crap and I'm thankful for every one of you.
Here's to true friends that have your back no matter what, taking a full year to realize some of life's most important lessons, being able to reflect on the past and be okay with it, and most importantly, here's to truly being happy with yourself and who you are. Cheers.
Thursday, January 22, 2015
1/22/15 Lets Project
I'm thoroughly beat up today. I switched my training schedule this week and quite frankly, I'm bruised, raw knuckled (if you don't believe me give a look at my Instagram photos documenting the week), and just overall sore. So as I lay here wishing for a hot tub to miraculously appear, I want to take a few minutes to project to the things that I'm really looking forward to in the close future. I'm doing this because all I've been hearing about lately is Valentine's Day, dances, and things for couples to do and I want to just kind of dwell on how happy I am by myself right now. Yes, I mean that. I'm enjoying concentrating on myself so unless some random perfect guy that I haven't met yet drops out of nowhere then I'm pretty sure I'm going to just keep my single status. Oh, and if the hot tub shows up before the guy, I'm totally keeping the hot tub and not even giving him a second thought.
I'm kind of in awe at how quickly January has flown by already. The days have been packed with training sessions, Krav classes, studying for my NASM exam, planning our move, general errands, & spending time with my daughter.
February is going to bring an exciting baby shower for a friend of mine. I'm pretty excited to mark this on the calendar because this is her third child and I have yet to be able to attend a shower for her. It's marked in Sharpie & I'm going. No matter what. Valentine's weekend will be spent with my cousin. 50 Shades of Grey comes out so there we will sit, wishing the movie had an NC-17 rating instead of an R rating because really...well, if you've read the books then you'll get it. The 15th will mark what would have been my 2 year anniversary with my ex so I'm looking forward to a great girls weekend and I'm happy to not have any drama in my life at the moment! The end of February brings my trip out to LA for UFC 184 which is sure to be one of the most exciting weekends of the entire year. I'm meeting Ronda Rousey for crying out loud and getting to hang out with her so you really just can't beat that.
March sees me going down to scope out our new living quarters. I'm checking out schools, gyms, grocery stores, and general location to see if it's going to be right for us. I also have a 5k I'm doing and then I'm back out to CA for the NAGA (grappling) tournaments out there!
April is Spring Break and my daughter & I have a Color Run we're doing together! First one of the year! Yay!
May has me traveling to FL for Krav Instructor Training for a few days. I may just add a couple days on for beach time. Because...well, it's the beach.
June is a 5k here in town and we're moving
July...who knows
August is the much looked forward to annual beach week with my cousin & her family!!!! I am SO excited about this bc we had a blast last year!!
September sees me in Vegas for my 2nd annual TVD Convention (hopefully we go early so we can actually have time to explore this year)
October is my daughter's birthday
November I'll be out in CA AGAIN for the Tinkerbell Marathon
And December...well, who knows. But, it IS Christmas so that's a plus. :)
There's a few more runs and races incorporated into that craziness but for now, I'm feeling happy with one day at a time, strengthening myself, and spending time with my munchkin. I have some friends out in CA I'd like to spend time with if possible when I'm there too! I really hope this year does slow down a little bit and maybe I can catch some concerts here and there or something. Who knows? I'm sure there will be ups and downs but as last year proved, I KNOW I can get through anything at this point and come out on top. So here's to being single, loving life, and not having any regrets. Cheers.
I'm kind of in awe at how quickly January has flown by already. The days have been packed with training sessions, Krav classes, studying for my NASM exam, planning our move, general errands, & spending time with my daughter.
February is going to bring an exciting baby shower for a friend of mine. I'm pretty excited to mark this on the calendar because this is her third child and I have yet to be able to attend a shower for her. It's marked in Sharpie & I'm going. No matter what. Valentine's weekend will be spent with my cousin. 50 Shades of Grey comes out so there we will sit, wishing the movie had an NC-17 rating instead of an R rating because really...well, if you've read the books then you'll get it. The 15th will mark what would have been my 2 year anniversary with my ex so I'm looking forward to a great girls weekend and I'm happy to not have any drama in my life at the moment! The end of February brings my trip out to LA for UFC 184 which is sure to be one of the most exciting weekends of the entire year. I'm meeting Ronda Rousey for crying out loud and getting to hang out with her so you really just can't beat that.
March sees me going down to scope out our new living quarters. I'm checking out schools, gyms, grocery stores, and general location to see if it's going to be right for us. I also have a 5k I'm doing and then I'm back out to CA for the NAGA (grappling) tournaments out there!
April is Spring Break and my daughter & I have a Color Run we're doing together! First one of the year! Yay!
May has me traveling to FL for Krav Instructor Training for a few days. I may just add a couple days on for beach time. Because...well, it's the beach.
June is a 5k here in town and we're moving
July...who knows
August is the much looked forward to annual beach week with my cousin & her family!!!! I am SO excited about this bc we had a blast last year!!
September sees me in Vegas for my 2nd annual TVD Convention (hopefully we go early so we can actually have time to explore this year)
October is my daughter's birthday
November I'll be out in CA AGAIN for the Tinkerbell Marathon
And December...well, who knows. But, it IS Christmas so that's a plus. :)
There's a few more runs and races incorporated into that craziness but for now, I'm feeling happy with one day at a time, strengthening myself, and spending time with my munchkin. I have some friends out in CA I'd like to spend time with if possible when I'm there too! I really hope this year does slow down a little bit and maybe I can catch some concerts here and there or something. Who knows? I'm sure there will be ups and downs but as last year proved, I KNOW I can get through anything at this point and come out on top. So here's to being single, loving life, and not having any regrets. Cheers.
Monday, January 19, 2015
1/19/15 #GetSome
Quite frankly, I'm going to make this sort of quick. My day is pushing 15 hours and I just got home so I kind of want to turn my ringer off, eat dinner, watch a movie, and do nothing for a little bit. But, I just want to express how great things are lately. I was kind of dreading having a few good days for the fear of having a bad few moments thrown in there out of nowhere. Hasn't happened in awhile and for that I'm just plain thankful.
Quick updates:
Daughter is doing well with her recovery from oral surgery last week.
Research for moving in early summer is coming together
I'm getting stronger with my training sessions and Krav sessions
My ex has been at the back of my mind where he belongs and not bugging me or trying to get into my brain (I can finally listen to songs that reminded me of him just a few weeks ago and not think anything of it).
I have to say, my excitement right now is focused on Krav. I woke up at 445am so by 5:30 this evening I was exhausted and just wanted to come home & go to sleep. Class was at 5:30 so by about 10 minutes into it, my adrenaline was running high and I wasn't tired anymore. I gained the focus (that "zone") that I get in to when I'm fighting and ran with it. Most people you'll talk to don't understand why you'd want to go and get a little bruised up or intentionally do something that's going to hurt your body but if you're loving what you're doing, you can't really explain it. Yeah, getting hit hurts, but it makes you push that much harder to finish what you're doing. It's a great feeling to come through at the end of a class and have a few bruises or bloody knuckles and realize that you actually have the strength to fight back and survive. I love it and pretty often you can find pictures on my Instagram proudly hash tagged #getsome.
So, with things going so well, I'm really just happy to have so many people around me that are supportive and accepting of the path I'm on and want to continue on.
Here's to progress in every area of life. Cheers.
Quick updates:
Daughter is doing well with her recovery from oral surgery last week.
Research for moving in early summer is coming together
I'm getting stronger with my training sessions and Krav sessions
My ex has been at the back of my mind where he belongs and not bugging me or trying to get into my brain (I can finally listen to songs that reminded me of him just a few weeks ago and not think anything of it).
I have to say, my excitement right now is focused on Krav. I woke up at 445am so by 5:30 this evening I was exhausted and just wanted to come home & go to sleep. Class was at 5:30 so by about 10 minutes into it, my adrenaline was running high and I wasn't tired anymore. I gained the focus (that "zone") that I get in to when I'm fighting and ran with it. Most people you'll talk to don't understand why you'd want to go and get a little bruised up or intentionally do something that's going to hurt your body but if you're loving what you're doing, you can't really explain it. Yeah, getting hit hurts, but it makes you push that much harder to finish what you're doing. It's a great feeling to come through at the end of a class and have a few bruises or bloody knuckles and realize that you actually have the strength to fight back and survive. I love it and pretty often you can find pictures on my Instagram proudly hash tagged #getsome.
So, with things going so well, I'm really just happy to have so many people around me that are supportive and accepting of the path I'm on and want to continue on.
Here's to progress in every area of life. Cheers.
Thursday, January 15, 2015
I found true love. And I made another list.
Today was a pretty epic day. My daughter had surgery for the first time this morning and had to be put to sleep with an IV for it. We've both known for the past week that this was going to happen today so all week she was pretty nervous. We talked through it a couple times a day and finally today she woke up and just flat out said "I don't want to do this but afterward I'm going to make a video saying I did something I didn't want to do and I didn't even cry. And then I'm going to send it to Mr. Wegert" (her karate instructor). You know what? She did too. She rocked it out and I was the one holding back the tears as the nurse stuck her with the needle for the IV. Granted, she was hopped up on laughing gas but all the same, I've got one brave girl and I totally don't give her enough credit where it's due.
But in the middle of all of that, while I was holding my daughter's hand, I had this moment of clarity that hit me out of nowhere. I truly already have the love that I NEED in my life. I've got this amazing, beautiful, kind-hearted little girl that needs ME. That's all I want anyway is someone to need and want me and I totally have that with no-strings attached. My daughter's love doesn't depend on what kind of job I have or if I have one at all. It doesn't depend on how busy she is during the day. It doesn't rely on what kind of mood she's in and it certainly doesn't leave just because she loves other people too. It's there, it's constant, and it's unconditional.
When you become a parent you kind of fall into this routine everyday and even though you have moments where you gain new insight, you still do what you've got to do everyday without fail, and you know your kids love you even when you screw up. Today though, looking into my daughter's bright brown eyes, I REALLY felt what it means to be a parent and to have someone that TRULY loves me. THAT is the most amazing feeling in the world because when she gets grumbly and moody and tired and when I get frustrated with her, I will look back on that singular moment and remember that THAT'S what this life is about. Maybe one day I'll find a guy that can love me unconditionally and be as pure-hearted and honest with no strings attached and no ulterior motives but for now, I've got what I need in the other room in my 8 year old daughter.
On that note, I also reviewed my bucket list today. I wanted to check off some things that were done in 2014 and add a couple things to it. My travel portion incorporates some places I've already been but would love to go again and explore new regions of the area. I finally feel at peace and like I'm in a good place where I should be. I'm looking forward to a lot of things and have made a couple new friends that are just pretty darn awesome to talk to and relate to. So, without further ado, here's my list and here's to finding true love and being back on track. Cheers.
TRAVEL
Already done:
Paris (City of Paris, various Chateaus, catacombs)
Italy (Venice, Tuscany, Vincenzo, Pisa). Want to see Sardinia & Southern Italy & take a gondola ride
in Venice
Alaska (Sitka, Juneau, Ketchikan). Want to see the Northern Lights
Niagara Falls (Canadian side)
Ukraine (Kiev, Petrovski). Want to explore the city more and see the architecture.
To do:
Australia
Barbados
Galapagos
Greece
Punta Islita
Hawaii
Grand Canyon
Mt. Rushmore
Dracula's castle in Romania
London - ferris wheel & palace, pubs & 2 decker bus tour
New Orleans for Mardi Gras
Bora Bora - bungalow over the water
Isle of Skye, Scotland (fairy pools)
Calla Lily Valley, Big Sur, CA (my favorite flower!)
THINGS TO DO
Already done:
Swim with dolphins
5k color run or zombie run
Hot air balloon ride
Kiss underwater
New Year's Eve kiss at midnight
To do:
Swim with manatees
Zip lining
Drive across the country
Have an art studio (in home)
Write a children's book
Learn fencing
Catch a jar of lightening bugs with Nat
Buy my own home
Do the luau in Hawaii
Mall of America
New Year's in Times Square
Certification for Scuba Diving
White water rafting
Mardi Gras
Get married & die old with the person
But in the middle of all of that, while I was holding my daughter's hand, I had this moment of clarity that hit me out of nowhere. I truly already have the love that I NEED in my life. I've got this amazing, beautiful, kind-hearted little girl that needs ME. That's all I want anyway is someone to need and want me and I totally have that with no-strings attached. My daughter's love doesn't depend on what kind of job I have or if I have one at all. It doesn't depend on how busy she is during the day. It doesn't rely on what kind of mood she's in and it certainly doesn't leave just because she loves other people too. It's there, it's constant, and it's unconditional.
When you become a parent you kind of fall into this routine everyday and even though you have moments where you gain new insight, you still do what you've got to do everyday without fail, and you know your kids love you even when you screw up. Today though, looking into my daughter's bright brown eyes, I REALLY felt what it means to be a parent and to have someone that TRULY loves me. THAT is the most amazing feeling in the world because when she gets grumbly and moody and tired and when I get frustrated with her, I will look back on that singular moment and remember that THAT'S what this life is about. Maybe one day I'll find a guy that can love me unconditionally and be as pure-hearted and honest with no strings attached and no ulterior motives but for now, I've got what I need in the other room in my 8 year old daughter.
On that note, I also reviewed my bucket list today. I wanted to check off some things that were done in 2014 and add a couple things to it. My travel portion incorporates some places I've already been but would love to go again and explore new regions of the area. I finally feel at peace and like I'm in a good place where I should be. I'm looking forward to a lot of things and have made a couple new friends that are just pretty darn awesome to talk to and relate to. So, without further ado, here's my list and here's to finding true love and being back on track. Cheers.
TRAVEL
Already done:
Paris (City of Paris, various Chateaus, catacombs)
Italy (Venice, Tuscany, Vincenzo, Pisa). Want to see Sardinia & Southern Italy & take a gondola ride
in Venice
Alaska (Sitka, Juneau, Ketchikan). Want to see the Northern Lights
Niagara Falls (Canadian side)
Ukraine (Kiev, Petrovski). Want to explore the city more and see the architecture.
To do:
Australia
Barbados
Galapagos
Greece
Punta Islita
Hawaii
Grand Canyon
Mt. Rushmore
Dracula's castle in Romania
London - ferris wheel & palace, pubs & 2 decker bus tour
New Orleans for Mardi Gras
Bora Bora - bungalow over the water
Isle of Skye, Scotland (fairy pools)
Calla Lily Valley, Big Sur, CA (my favorite flower!)
THINGS TO DO
Already done:
Swim with dolphins
5k color run or zombie run
Hot air balloon ride
Kiss underwater
New Year's Eve kiss at midnight
To do:
Swim with manatees
Zip lining
Drive across the country
Have an art studio (in home)
Write a children's book
Learn fencing
Catch a jar of lightening bugs with Nat
Buy my own home
Do the luau in Hawaii
Mall of America
New Year's in Times Square
Certification for Scuba Diving
White water rafting
Mardi Gras
Get married & die old with the person
Monday, January 12, 2015
1/12/15 Blurred Lines
I was having a conversation with a couple people yesterday about the suicide of a teenager at a local high school. There was no clue left as to why this young man ended his life. Someone said something to the effect of "I think he was bullied though". At that point the conversation skipped to something that tied into technology and social media.
Technology has come SUCH a long way. When I got my first cell phone I was 15. The ONLY reason that my parents got it for me was that I started driving and they didn't want me to be without a way to call them if something happened. My phone was HUGE by todays phone standards. The bottom portion flipped down, the screen was TINY and it had a huge antenna that pulled out. There was no texting, no sharing of photos, no internet usage, no app for this or that. You dialed a number and you talked to whoever you were calling and you hung up.
With the onset of fierce technological advancements there are countless pros and cons. It's solely my opinion but the benefits of texting and apps have about a 50/50 split pending on what they're used for. Texting is great if you're not a phone talker like me. It's great if you need to send somebody a photo quickly of something you'd think they would like in a store or if you're busy and want to talk to more than one person (multitasking). Apps are great for games, notes, and easy access to various programs. However, with texting comes the ability to hide behind your words. Would you actually bully someone to their face? Maybe you would but I'm certain countless others wouldn't. Would you really stand in front of someone naked? My guess is probably not. Words and photos are used to get reactions from people over the computer and phone. Perhaps the young man that committed suicide in town was bullied over text or and didn't want to TALK to anyone about what was going on. Who knows. One thing I do know for certain is that my daughter at 8 years old asks for a phone and she absolutely won't be getting one until she starts driving. Even then, the probability is high that I'll be keeping track of absolutely everything that goes in and out of that phone.
My point to all of this swings around to address a subject that I'm unfortunately all too familiar with: emotional cheating. Yesterday I received a random text from a male friend that I've known since sophomore year in high school (going on 15 years now). I had a crush on this guy in high school but we never dated, never messed around, never even held hands. There's been no kind of romantic history. We were platonic friends and even now, we're platonic friends and that isn't going to change because with friendships that last THAT long, I never want to mess with a good thing by crossing that friend zone line into the relationship zone. Also, my friend has a girlfriend.
It's been proven that over 50% of men define cheating as physical intimate contact with a woman that they're not in a relationship with. They don't think that inappropriate sexual words exchanged with that other person is considered cheating. The majority of women define cheating as any action or word that is inappropriate and intimate with someone other than who you are in a relationship with.
That's how I define it as well. If I'm dating someone and they're having a sexual conversation in person, via text, over a website, on Facebook, through Snapchat, Tinder, Craigslist, or any other option out there, then they're cheating. They aren't being faithful to me and respecting me or our relationship that we have together.
My friend sent me a random text yesterday saying something I viewed as inappropriate. I blew it off at first but he kept on pushing the subject so I called him out on it. My exact text back to him read,
"I'm sure your girlfriend would love this. I'm not trying to play this game cause I'd be pissed if I were her. Jus' sayin. You shouldn't even be talking about this and I'm not trying to come cross bitchy but you're NOT SINGLE. In all seriousness, this is the shit I consider emotional cheating. That's what was done to me and I don't want your girlfriend to have to deal with it because it's disrespectful. You need to have respect for her and for your relationship with her. I've always believed that if you have to delete something so your other half doesn't see it then you shouldn't be doing it or saying it".
There's a line so fine between flirting and inappropriate that I truly believe it shouldn't even be stepped near. I absolutely refuse to buy into any kind of harmless flirting with ANYONE if I know they're in a relationship. I've had the majority of my exes emotionally cheat on me (I think maybe 2 out of about 5 or 6 I was certain I could trust) and I in no way, shape, or form wish that feeling on anyone else. I dare say that physical cheating is the lesser of those 2 evils because at least with that you can consider maybe it was only physical and maybe there wasn't any feeling behind it (not that I would choose either because both are an absolutely despicable thing to have done to you). With my last ex, there were women he communicated with through Craigslist personal ads, friends and ex girlfriends over Facebook messenger talking about his sex life and various things that he would talk about remembering doing with them, and texts sent with a couple females. When confronted about it he always blamed the fact that he wasn't emotionally stable because of his divorce and that he was "just trying to feel something again". I've also heard the excuse "it's harmless flirting" a ridiculous amount of times. It may be harmless to you and to the person on the other end that you're talking with but it is harmless to your partner that you're in the relationship with? (See my previous blog post on how our actions affect those closest to you).
If you have to delete anything or lie about anything to the person you're with, DON'T DO IT. Consider how your other half would feel if they found whatever text or message or snapchat or whatever that you were about to send. Be respectful of them and realize that once that line between flirting and inappropriate is crossed, the trust you have from your partner is gone.
Technology makes it SO easy to be unfaithful to someone these days. There's so many quick dating sites that have easy access apps. One swipe on your phone screen and you can either approve of and have a dating match in your area. One inappropriate photo on Snapchat can be sent in 2 seconds with the thought that "it's okay, it'll get deleted in 10 seconds". One ad can be answered on Craigslist Personals and you can meet up with some random stranger. REALLY?! Do we really want to devalue our personal relationships that we have with other people so that we can do these things? Is it worth it? Or is it more worth it to have some self control and true respect for ourselves and the people that we knowingly decide to have relationships with while keeping our circle of trust in tact?
I suppose it's just a matter of either pushing or not pushing a button on our phones or computers but if it's that easy to ruin a relationship, then I'd rather leave my phone off and close the laptop.
Friday, January 9, 2015
How do your actions effect me and the guy next to me?
I've been stuck on this subject all day. Brainstorming about how things we experience, and how we react to them, affect ourselves and those around us.
Everything we do in life requires us to make decisions. We either choose what we're taught as the "right" thing or we choose the "wrong" thing. The decisions may not even be really conscious ones. Even doing something that we do as a daily routine like getting dressed, brushing our teeth, or just simply getting out of bed and getting the day started is a decision on a small scale. If we choose not to do these things, the rest of our day can be affected in some way and even these small things have an effect on others that we will encounter during the day (if you don't believe me try not brushing your teeth for a few days and have conversations with someone).
So, how do our actions in a relationship affect the ones closest to us? My first thought, is to hit on the well known cliché that "actions speak louder than words". As a kid and a teenager, I never really felt like my actions affected those around me and I acted without considering that the things I said might not add up to my behavior. This is Typical behavior for children and teenagers because they usually live in their own worlds. As you get older and experience the world beyond the town that you've grown up in and get to come across people that you haven't known forever, you realize that the world doesn't revolve around you. In fact, you're only a minute fraction of the tiniest speck on an enormous map that is ever growing with people. There are just over 7 BILLION people in this entire world so the general thought is that you're so small, your actions don't have enough of an effect to really matter. So why think about them? Why think before you act and speak? Why not just do what you really want to or say the first thing that comes to your mind?
Let me break off for a second and give you an example of how something as small as a "normal" school day can be affected by the tiniest of actions. I feel that this can sort of give a sense of how much small actions can affect others. As a single mom, my world is ruled by my 8 year old daughter & my two dogs. It's ruled by a daily routine that is rarely flexible as far as being on the clock concerns. My alarm goes off at 5:45am every morning during the week. I wake up, meditate for a few minutes and then I check my email, check my daily horoscope, and sometimes check Facebook & Instagram. By 6:15am I'm in the shower and by 6:30am I'm out of the shower putting my hair up or straightening it or whatever I'm going to do to it that day and then I quickly throw on some foundation and a few other makeup items (not a big make up wearer unless I'm going somewhere special). By 6:45-6:50am I'm in my daughters room down the hall making sure she's out of bed because she likes to turn her alarm clock off in the morning for "just 5 more minutes". I run back and get dressed while she showers and then gets dressed, and by 7:15am we are downstairs cooking and eating breakfast, packing a snack for school, making sure last minute papers are in the backpack, filling water bottles, taking the dogs outside and feeding them. We're out the door by 7:35-7:40am. I drop my daughter off by 8:15am, hit the gym, run errands, go to appointments, etc. etc. etc. If ANY of this changes and we leave any later than 7:40am we're late to school because traffic backs up after that time. If my daughter decides she wants that "5 more minutes" or if my hair takes longer than it should or if I'm on Facebook longer than I've allotted, we're behind that traffic and late to school. If Natalie's late, it affects her attendance record which sometimes happens. That doesn't seem like a huge affect but on the other side of things, if I'm late getting her to school, I'm late to my training sessions at the gym. That pushes my trainer's schedule back and makes her late with her other clients and then both of our appointments we've got for the rest of the day are off kilter. Sometimes people don't like to push things back that 10 minutes so I have to reschedule this or that meeting. My days fill up FAST so you know what? Lets just be on time and make everyone's life a little bit less chaotic.
After school doesn't get much better when we go to karate, come home, have dinner, and by 7:00pm I tell my daughter to start getting ready for bed. This is a process, ALWAYS. There's bath or shower, 15 minutes of reading alone, 1 or 2 books read together, snuggle time and then by about 8:30 or 9:00pm she's out until I go get her the next morning. Usually that time is pushed a bit because she likes to play in the tub and then spend time with the dogs or whatever. I'm exhausted when bedtime rolls around but after that I STILL have stuff to do and usually don't get to bed before 11:30pm. If she gets to bed later than 9, she's exhausted and we start the whole late process over again because she doesn't want to get up. My point is that EVERYTHING has a ripple effect. You might be one tiny person compared to 7 billion but your actions can effect your family, friends, coworkers, etc. on a daily basis and more so, can effect yourself and your attitude and how you treat people.
So, how do my actions in and out of a relationship affect my daughter? I'm smart enough to know that if I'm not happy, my daughter isn't going to be either. If I'm in a bad mood, it affects the way I act toward her. Common sense. When you're in a relationship or married, if there are negative feelings, they unload on the kids because truly, "shit rolls down hill". I've always hated the saying "Happy wife, happy life". I think it's completely untrue and unfair and for sure needs to be changed to something like "happy spouse, happy house". Men can be just as moody as women and their attitude has the same affect on their family that the female's does.
When you're happy in a relationship things are generally good with attitude and actions. So I won't really touch on that. When you're in a relationship and things aren't so hot, even the smallest of actions can be detrimental. I asked a friend of mine his thoughts on this subject. I'm always eager to hear the point of the opposite sex because, just like females, you tend to get mixed opinions and thoughts pending on A) How they've been treated by the opposite sex, B) How they've grown emotionally from being hurt, and C) How they generally view the opposite sex and treat them. The general consensus from my friend was that actions of one person in a relationship can fully make the other person pull away. Granted, ALL relationships have issues and all arguing takes two people. You can either make it or break it with one argument, one action, and the things said. If you're having an argument with your other half and one person refuses to communicate and just walks away or refuses to tell you how they're actually feeling and won't address a problem, that's most likely to really piss the other person off when they're trying to fix things or figure out what's wrong and they can throw their hands in the air while tossing in the towel. People can't read minds so speak up and make yourself heard. If you an argue with someone and tell them why THEY'RE wrong (or why you think they're wrong anyway) then you can damn well communicate to them when you're feeling something. My guess is this stems from fear of criticism by the other party but I'll digress because this is not a therapy session and I'm not getting paid as if it is.
So, if I'm in a relationship with someone and it ends, how does THAT affect those around me? After all, they weren't in the relationship so theoretically, they wouldn't have anything to do with it. Very wrong assumption because I can easily tell you that ending a relationship causes grief and grief changes our attitude and outlook toward everyone and everything.
When my ex and I broke up and I went through all the crap that is thankfully coming to an end, I had a total change of attitude. I was unmotivated, lethargic, and just generally BLAH for lack of a better word. I'm usually a happy person and I'm optimistic (sometimes to the point of fault because if I truly think something can be done, I'll come up with 100 ways to try it even if it really isn't possible and I'll come up with some solution that's not logical at all). I like being that person that's ridiculously positive because that plays on self-confidence. The more positive I am, the better I feel. If you tell yourself it's going to be a crappy day, it's probably going to be a crappy day. By now, we all know that I'm not ALWAYS that person but that's life for everyone. If there weren't any downs then there wouldn't be any ups and we would wonder why life was so boring.
Let me just say this: With a BLAH attitude, your kids KNOW. You can fake smile and make your voice an octave higher when you talk to them but THEY KNOW. It's a little creepy how my daughter just gets what I'm feeling sometimes by looking at me. She knows the perfect moment to hug me and say something that's wise beyond her years that just softens my heart. Being happy and healthy is ideal because my attitude effects her. It's not always possible and my worry, is that she also is only 8 and doesn't need to be stressing about my relationship drama. That would be my reason for faking happiness around her. She needs to know that mommy is okay and can do her job without breaking down. The thing about being a parent (and especially a single parent) is that there are no breaks. You can't just decide that you're not feeling well and want a break because you & your partner had a fight and you need time to regroup. When you're physically sick? No breaks. Do it anyway and try not to infect your kid. This, in theory, applies to emotions too. You don't want your kid to see you not at your best. You want them to know you're strong and can handle anything for them. THAT is my initial thought. But when I actually sit and think about MY life and how I grew up, I want my daughter to know that I have weaknesses. If you're fighting with your spouse, you want to know that they FEEL and they're human right? You don't want to be with somebody that's always a solid wall. It's no different with kids. They need to see that their parents FEEL and aren't perfect. I wouldn't want a perfect parent for the sheer fact that when I think back and remember when I screwed up, the times I remember most are when my mom sat with me and was able to relate because she told me about mistakes she made. It made me understand that everyone screws up and it's part of growing up. If your parent is consistently non-communicative and never shows emotion, that has a huge effect on how you will grow up and treat your kids. Thankfully many people break away from that example and are able to recognize that it's not healthy.
Kids are going to play off of your actions and emotions. So if my actions and emotions after a relationship ends are negative, my daughter's will be too. And really, you can't be upset at that because kids learn by example. I think the test here is to know that you have to talk to your kids. It's okay to be upset or angry, but if you take that out of them, they're going to act the same. When I'm in a bad mood and get frustrated, my daughter gets frustrated which just frustrates me more. If I sit and tell my daughter what I'm feeling and roughly try to express why I'm feeling it, she understands and either tries to cheer me up or knows to give me a short time by myself. If I think about my current behavior and emotions and take the time to realize that I need to act logically and realize that my daughter has absolutely nothing to do with how I'm feeling, then I'll realize that by toning down my behavior I will in turn effect how she acts toward me.
When kids are in the picture, it's hard to realize that they get it. They play off of us and they learn from how we act and how we treat them. Kids are people too! They're tiny people but they're people nonetheless. Any time I'm in a bad mood and find myself taking it out on my daughter, or if I find myself getting frustrated and raising my voice with her or speaking to her in an unacceptable tone, I try to remind myself that I'd never get away with that behavior with an adult. If that's the case, then why would I treat my daughter that way? Thankfully, my daughter gives it right back to me if I get frustrated with her. She will yell and get an attitude with me if I do the same to her. It usually reminds me that you can only expect to get out how much you put in to any relationship. I shouldn't expect her (or anyone) to have a good attitude and good actions if I don't do the same for them.
Here's the most important part of ALL of that rambling. If you concentrate on yourself, you'll be happy and be able to have a better relationship with people around you and you'll be able to concentrate on your kids the way they deserve to be concentrated on while being able to teach them about all the crazy emotions they'll experience in life without scaring them away. I don't mean go out and be self-absorbed but if you do what you need to do to be healthy and happy (be it getting your nails done or getting a massage or even going to therapy) then that is going to cause your actions and attitude to be positive. Positive actions beget positive reactions and a positive attitude begets the same. It's a cycle just like anything else in life. Do what makes you happy, find your passion, and find the things that are important to you. Thrive on them and BE happy. I'm finding that a positive outlook on life and learning from negative experiences are the only ways to be at peace.
Everything we do in life requires us to make decisions. We either choose what we're taught as the "right" thing or we choose the "wrong" thing. The decisions may not even be really conscious ones. Even doing something that we do as a daily routine like getting dressed, brushing our teeth, or just simply getting out of bed and getting the day started is a decision on a small scale. If we choose not to do these things, the rest of our day can be affected in some way and even these small things have an effect on others that we will encounter during the day (if you don't believe me try not brushing your teeth for a few days and have conversations with someone).
So, how do our actions in a relationship affect the ones closest to us? My first thought, is to hit on the well known cliché that "actions speak louder than words". As a kid and a teenager, I never really felt like my actions affected those around me and I acted without considering that the things I said might not add up to my behavior. This is Typical behavior for children and teenagers because they usually live in their own worlds. As you get older and experience the world beyond the town that you've grown up in and get to come across people that you haven't known forever, you realize that the world doesn't revolve around you. In fact, you're only a minute fraction of the tiniest speck on an enormous map that is ever growing with people. There are just over 7 BILLION people in this entire world so the general thought is that you're so small, your actions don't have enough of an effect to really matter. So why think about them? Why think before you act and speak? Why not just do what you really want to or say the first thing that comes to your mind?
Let me break off for a second and give you an example of how something as small as a "normal" school day can be affected by the tiniest of actions. I feel that this can sort of give a sense of how much small actions can affect others. As a single mom, my world is ruled by my 8 year old daughter & my two dogs. It's ruled by a daily routine that is rarely flexible as far as being on the clock concerns. My alarm goes off at 5:45am every morning during the week. I wake up, meditate for a few minutes and then I check my email, check my daily horoscope, and sometimes check Facebook & Instagram. By 6:15am I'm in the shower and by 6:30am I'm out of the shower putting my hair up or straightening it or whatever I'm going to do to it that day and then I quickly throw on some foundation and a few other makeup items (not a big make up wearer unless I'm going somewhere special). By 6:45-6:50am I'm in my daughters room down the hall making sure she's out of bed because she likes to turn her alarm clock off in the morning for "just 5 more minutes". I run back and get dressed while she showers and then gets dressed, and by 7:15am we are downstairs cooking and eating breakfast, packing a snack for school, making sure last minute papers are in the backpack, filling water bottles, taking the dogs outside and feeding them. We're out the door by 7:35-7:40am. I drop my daughter off by 8:15am, hit the gym, run errands, go to appointments, etc. etc. etc. If ANY of this changes and we leave any later than 7:40am we're late to school because traffic backs up after that time. If my daughter decides she wants that "5 more minutes" or if my hair takes longer than it should or if I'm on Facebook longer than I've allotted, we're behind that traffic and late to school. If Natalie's late, it affects her attendance record which sometimes happens. That doesn't seem like a huge affect but on the other side of things, if I'm late getting her to school, I'm late to my training sessions at the gym. That pushes my trainer's schedule back and makes her late with her other clients and then both of our appointments we've got for the rest of the day are off kilter. Sometimes people don't like to push things back that 10 minutes so I have to reschedule this or that meeting. My days fill up FAST so you know what? Lets just be on time and make everyone's life a little bit less chaotic.
After school doesn't get much better when we go to karate, come home, have dinner, and by 7:00pm I tell my daughter to start getting ready for bed. This is a process, ALWAYS. There's bath or shower, 15 minutes of reading alone, 1 or 2 books read together, snuggle time and then by about 8:30 or 9:00pm she's out until I go get her the next morning. Usually that time is pushed a bit because she likes to play in the tub and then spend time with the dogs or whatever. I'm exhausted when bedtime rolls around but after that I STILL have stuff to do and usually don't get to bed before 11:30pm. If she gets to bed later than 9, she's exhausted and we start the whole late process over again because she doesn't want to get up. My point is that EVERYTHING has a ripple effect. You might be one tiny person compared to 7 billion but your actions can effect your family, friends, coworkers, etc. on a daily basis and more so, can effect yourself and your attitude and how you treat people.
So, how do my actions in and out of a relationship affect my daughter? I'm smart enough to know that if I'm not happy, my daughter isn't going to be either. If I'm in a bad mood, it affects the way I act toward her. Common sense. When you're in a relationship or married, if there are negative feelings, they unload on the kids because truly, "shit rolls down hill". I've always hated the saying "Happy wife, happy life". I think it's completely untrue and unfair and for sure needs to be changed to something like "happy spouse, happy house". Men can be just as moody as women and their attitude has the same affect on their family that the female's does.
When you're happy in a relationship things are generally good with attitude and actions. So I won't really touch on that. When you're in a relationship and things aren't so hot, even the smallest of actions can be detrimental. I asked a friend of mine his thoughts on this subject. I'm always eager to hear the point of the opposite sex because, just like females, you tend to get mixed opinions and thoughts pending on A) How they've been treated by the opposite sex, B) How they've grown emotionally from being hurt, and C) How they generally view the opposite sex and treat them. The general consensus from my friend was that actions of one person in a relationship can fully make the other person pull away. Granted, ALL relationships have issues and all arguing takes two people. You can either make it or break it with one argument, one action, and the things said. If you're having an argument with your other half and one person refuses to communicate and just walks away or refuses to tell you how they're actually feeling and won't address a problem, that's most likely to really piss the other person off when they're trying to fix things or figure out what's wrong and they can throw their hands in the air while tossing in the towel. People can't read minds so speak up and make yourself heard. If you an argue with someone and tell them why THEY'RE wrong (or why you think they're wrong anyway) then you can damn well communicate to them when you're feeling something. My guess is this stems from fear of criticism by the other party but I'll digress because this is not a therapy session and I'm not getting paid as if it is.
So, if I'm in a relationship with someone and it ends, how does THAT affect those around me? After all, they weren't in the relationship so theoretically, they wouldn't have anything to do with it. Very wrong assumption because I can easily tell you that ending a relationship causes grief and grief changes our attitude and outlook toward everyone and everything.
When my ex and I broke up and I went through all the crap that is thankfully coming to an end, I had a total change of attitude. I was unmotivated, lethargic, and just generally BLAH for lack of a better word. I'm usually a happy person and I'm optimistic (sometimes to the point of fault because if I truly think something can be done, I'll come up with 100 ways to try it even if it really isn't possible and I'll come up with some solution that's not logical at all). I like being that person that's ridiculously positive because that plays on self-confidence. The more positive I am, the better I feel. If you tell yourself it's going to be a crappy day, it's probably going to be a crappy day. By now, we all know that I'm not ALWAYS that person but that's life for everyone. If there weren't any downs then there wouldn't be any ups and we would wonder why life was so boring.
Let me just say this: With a BLAH attitude, your kids KNOW. You can fake smile and make your voice an octave higher when you talk to them but THEY KNOW. It's a little creepy how my daughter just gets what I'm feeling sometimes by looking at me. She knows the perfect moment to hug me and say something that's wise beyond her years that just softens my heart. Being happy and healthy is ideal because my attitude effects her. It's not always possible and my worry, is that she also is only 8 and doesn't need to be stressing about my relationship drama. That would be my reason for faking happiness around her. She needs to know that mommy is okay and can do her job without breaking down. The thing about being a parent (and especially a single parent) is that there are no breaks. You can't just decide that you're not feeling well and want a break because you & your partner had a fight and you need time to regroup. When you're physically sick? No breaks. Do it anyway and try not to infect your kid. This, in theory, applies to emotions too. You don't want your kid to see you not at your best. You want them to know you're strong and can handle anything for them. THAT is my initial thought. But when I actually sit and think about MY life and how I grew up, I want my daughter to know that I have weaknesses. If you're fighting with your spouse, you want to know that they FEEL and they're human right? You don't want to be with somebody that's always a solid wall. It's no different with kids. They need to see that their parents FEEL and aren't perfect. I wouldn't want a perfect parent for the sheer fact that when I think back and remember when I screwed up, the times I remember most are when my mom sat with me and was able to relate because she told me about mistakes she made. It made me understand that everyone screws up and it's part of growing up. If your parent is consistently non-communicative and never shows emotion, that has a huge effect on how you will grow up and treat your kids. Thankfully many people break away from that example and are able to recognize that it's not healthy.
Kids are going to play off of your actions and emotions. So if my actions and emotions after a relationship ends are negative, my daughter's will be too. And really, you can't be upset at that because kids learn by example. I think the test here is to know that you have to talk to your kids. It's okay to be upset or angry, but if you take that out of them, they're going to act the same. When I'm in a bad mood and get frustrated, my daughter gets frustrated which just frustrates me more. If I sit and tell my daughter what I'm feeling and roughly try to express why I'm feeling it, she understands and either tries to cheer me up or knows to give me a short time by myself. If I think about my current behavior and emotions and take the time to realize that I need to act logically and realize that my daughter has absolutely nothing to do with how I'm feeling, then I'll realize that by toning down my behavior I will in turn effect how she acts toward me.
When kids are in the picture, it's hard to realize that they get it. They play off of us and they learn from how we act and how we treat them. Kids are people too! They're tiny people but they're people nonetheless. Any time I'm in a bad mood and find myself taking it out on my daughter, or if I find myself getting frustrated and raising my voice with her or speaking to her in an unacceptable tone, I try to remind myself that I'd never get away with that behavior with an adult. If that's the case, then why would I treat my daughter that way? Thankfully, my daughter gives it right back to me if I get frustrated with her. She will yell and get an attitude with me if I do the same to her. It usually reminds me that you can only expect to get out how much you put in to any relationship. I shouldn't expect her (or anyone) to have a good attitude and good actions if I don't do the same for them.
Here's the most important part of ALL of that rambling. If you concentrate on yourself, you'll be happy and be able to have a better relationship with people around you and you'll be able to concentrate on your kids the way they deserve to be concentrated on while being able to teach them about all the crazy emotions they'll experience in life without scaring them away. I don't mean go out and be self-absorbed but if you do what you need to do to be healthy and happy (be it getting your nails done or getting a massage or even going to therapy) then that is going to cause your actions and attitude to be positive. Positive actions beget positive reactions and a positive attitude begets the same. It's a cycle just like anything else in life. Do what makes you happy, find your passion, and find the things that are important to you. Thrive on them and BE happy. I'm finding that a positive outlook on life and learning from negative experiences are the only ways to be at peace.
Thursday, January 8, 2015
1/8/15 Because Making Lists is What I do Best...
I said this morning that I was going to make a list of things Id really like to find in whoever I end up dating next. I did that today (actually, just in the last half hour or so) and I made my final list of races that I want to do this year. I greatly narrowed it down from a huge list of about 15 to a list that's practical and financially affordable. Id love to be able to do everything but some of the dates overlapped with each other & with other things (eh hem...TVD Convention again in Vegas anyone?!). Plus, at no less than $40 a race per person plus hotels & gas & food (I usually make it a weekend event), these things get a little costly. Beginning in March I'll be doing a Foam Glow run in Richmond (not too far away!). There's a Color Run in April, a Wounded Warrior run in June, a Dirty Girl mud run in August, and I'm finishing off the year by flying to Disneyland in CA for the Disney Half Marathon. There's also a 10K that weekend at the same location so I haven't fully decided which Im going to train for. I may just push myself to go for the 13.1 miles...we'll see. I have til February to decide because that's when registration opens. I'm VERY excited. I signed my daughter up to run a couple of the color runs with me so it really will be fun!! (Side note: I never would have thought I'd be combining the words running and fun in any sense...)
Anyhow, so the majority of the day was taken up by appointments...my munchkin has to have oral surgery next Thursday morning. :-( Im more worried than she is!!!! No kidding. I was sitting in the surgeons office listening to them talk about putting her out with the IV and just worrying to death. My daughter however was like "Oh. Well, okay. I'm a little nervous but I'm a blackbelt in karate so it'll be okay." She never fails to amaze me and I love her SO much. I'm so proud of the independent, strong little lady she's becoming.
So, a bit ago, I wrote a "Dear Santa" blog. I was griping about a day when I had lunch with some friends that couldn't discuss anything except for sexual stuff. I got irritated because that entire day was filled with innuendos and disregard for any emotional crap I was going through at the time. It got me thinking about things that would be nice to have if I could ever find someone that didn't play games & was trustworthy. My initial list is first followed by a couple add ons. Overall, it's really been a fabulous few days. I'm happy, smiling, laughing...and I genuinely feel like I'd even be okay going out with someone new. Only problem with that is I DON'T DATE. I've said it a million times: I hate dating. I'd rather have friends that can travel to cool places with me but all my friends are married with kids...so yeah. I suppose that will certainly help my 2015 goal of more travel but I'll be doing it by myself sometimes! If anyone figures out the answer to the dating thing let me know.
The Things I'd like to find in my other half:
1) Please be well-rounded and semi-aware of happenings in the world. I don't watch the news. In fact, I hate the news. And I hate politics. But I semi-know about issues in the world because I'm part of social media and I check up on things so that if people talk about them, I can join in the conversation if I want to.
2) Please read. Please read more than Maxim. Not to say it doesn't have good articles, because sometimes it does. But please read books or something of that sort. I don't care if you read Biographies or Fiction or Sci-Fi. Just read something other than trashy magazines. My favorite books are fantasy/fiction types but chances are, if you suggest a book, I'll read it.
3) Please love music. Or at least LIKE it. Please realize that I love all genres of music unless it makes me want to slam my head against a wall (re: System of a Down or Rage Against the Machine) or drive a tractor through a cornfield because my dog got ran over by my ex-wife (re: super twangy country). Please know what a Genre is.
4) Like to travel! This isn't a request unless you don't ever want to go anywhere with me and even then, that really isn't cool. It's a deal-breaker for the most part because I WILL travel. It'd be great if you liked to learn about other cultures like I do but you MUST be a good travel buddy and also like road trips (random ones are the most fun).
5) You're going to need to like to eat. I love to eat & I love to try new foods. I eat 6 times a day (Please don't comment on the fact I'm always eating. I'm pretty aware of the fact that I carry around protein bars and fruit and such). Would you rather me be grumpy?
6) Understand that I'm not a stereo-typical female. Cars, UFC, motorcycles...those things top my list of stuff that I know & understand & can discuss because I've had experience with all of them at some point or another. However, I AM still female. I like shoes (they may be running shoes but still...) & sunglasses & shopping randomly (window shopping is awesome). I won't beg you to go shopping with me. I'll ask you if you want to go and I won't throw a fit if you say no. If you say yes, we can definitely look at stuff you want to look for (or if you want to go to Lowe's or Gander Mountain or something I'm cool with that too. I like those stores). I also won't ask you to pay for stuff for me or carry my bags.
7) Please know that I like a few of the finer things in life. I like the quality designer things have because they really don't wear out as fast as some other things. I like to go to really nice restaurants once in awhile and stay in nice hotels when I travel. If it's just us, I like renting impractical awesome cars when we travel. Because I can and it's fun sometimes to do stuff that's not completely logical. However, I do love Target and TJ Maxx as well.
8) Be healthy! This isn't a request. You need to be as concerned about your health as I am about mine because A) It gives us the option to do active things together (get your mind out of the gutter. I'm talking about snowboarding and hiking and the like). B) I REALLY don't like fast food (except maybe Chic Fil A once in awhile). It makes me feel guilty to say "You can stop there but I'm not eating anything". If you're of the healthier mindset you'll also understand WHY I'm in the gym as much as I am. Please don't complain about me going to the gym as much as I do. I work my ass off for what I have and I don't intend on losing it.
ADDITIONS TO THIS LIST:
9) You need to accept that my daughter & I are a package deal. It's both of us, not just me. Please treat her as so after you meet her. If you disrespect her (or if you just doesn't like you) it just won't work.
10) Animals! You really should love animals. I have a soft spot in my heart for all animals, I love the zoo and the aquarium even though I've been there TONS of times! My 2 dogs are my babies and they're spoiled rotten. If they don't like you either, it's not going to work.
11) Don't be afraid to speak up and talk to me. You MUST be willing to TALK to me.
12) I'm sensitive and if I don't understand something you've said, I'll ask what you meant or if you can repeat yourself. It doesn't mean I wasn't listening it just means I'm not processing what you're meaning. Please attempt to explain yourself again without getting frustrated with me.
13) Please be willing to go out once in awhile, have a couple drinks and just hang out or go dancing or something but also know that I like to stay home and cuddle on the couch with a good movie as well. If you wanna throw some wine & a fireplace in there I'm TOTALLY okay with that (Moscato D'Asti is my favorite wine).
14) Don't play games. This is NOT a request. I'm 31 and I STILL can't find somebody that knows what loyalty and exclusivity actually means. If you want to give the girl with the nice ass a look at the beach, cool. Chances are, I'll have noticed her first and pointed her out to you. If you want to Facebook message your "friend" that's your ex girlfriend on Facebook about your sex life...First, you're getting a dictionary for Christmas that's turned to the page where "inappropriate" is listed. Second, you're now single.
15) The beach. Like the beach. I LOVE the beach and I feel most at home when I'm near the ocean. I will travel to the beach A LOT during the summer so I'd like it if you go with me.
16) Let me know when YOU want to do something for YOU. Guys night out? Cool. Have fun. Want me to come and do something you love? Awesome. If I like it, I'll join you next time too. If not? Don't stop doing what you love because I might not like it. Teach me about things you enjoy. We'll switch off on stuff like picking movies, places to eat, & things we do together. There's no reason for one person to get everything they want and the other to be left feeling like the things they like are not important.
17) Realize that all of these things apply to me as well in a vice versa context. If you think I'm being weird or sketchy, call me out on it and let's discuss like adults. Then we can make up. :)
I'm sure I'll be adding to this but that's it for now.
Here's to PROGRESS. CHEERS.
Anyhow, so the majority of the day was taken up by appointments...my munchkin has to have oral surgery next Thursday morning. :-( Im more worried than she is!!!! No kidding. I was sitting in the surgeons office listening to them talk about putting her out with the IV and just worrying to death. My daughter however was like "Oh. Well, okay. I'm a little nervous but I'm a blackbelt in karate so it'll be okay." She never fails to amaze me and I love her SO much. I'm so proud of the independent, strong little lady she's becoming.
So, a bit ago, I wrote a "Dear Santa" blog. I was griping about a day when I had lunch with some friends that couldn't discuss anything except for sexual stuff. I got irritated because that entire day was filled with innuendos and disregard for any emotional crap I was going through at the time. It got me thinking about things that would be nice to have if I could ever find someone that didn't play games & was trustworthy. My initial list is first followed by a couple add ons. Overall, it's really been a fabulous few days. I'm happy, smiling, laughing...and I genuinely feel like I'd even be okay going out with someone new. Only problem with that is I DON'T DATE. I've said it a million times: I hate dating. I'd rather have friends that can travel to cool places with me but all my friends are married with kids...so yeah. I suppose that will certainly help my 2015 goal of more travel but I'll be doing it by myself sometimes! If anyone figures out the answer to the dating thing let me know.
The Things I'd like to find in my other half:
1) Please be well-rounded and semi-aware of happenings in the world. I don't watch the news. In fact, I hate the news. And I hate politics. But I semi-know about issues in the world because I'm part of social media and I check up on things so that if people talk about them, I can join in the conversation if I want to.
2) Please read. Please read more than Maxim. Not to say it doesn't have good articles, because sometimes it does. But please read books or something of that sort. I don't care if you read Biographies or Fiction or Sci-Fi. Just read something other than trashy magazines. My favorite books are fantasy/fiction types but chances are, if you suggest a book, I'll read it.
3) Please love music. Or at least LIKE it. Please realize that I love all genres of music unless it makes me want to slam my head against a wall (re: System of a Down or Rage Against the Machine) or drive a tractor through a cornfield because my dog got ran over by my ex-wife (re: super twangy country). Please know what a Genre is.
4) Like to travel! This isn't a request unless you don't ever want to go anywhere with me and even then, that really isn't cool. It's a deal-breaker for the most part because I WILL travel. It'd be great if you liked to learn about other cultures like I do but you MUST be a good travel buddy and also like road trips (random ones are the most fun).
5) You're going to need to like to eat. I love to eat & I love to try new foods. I eat 6 times a day (Please don't comment on the fact I'm always eating. I'm pretty aware of the fact that I carry around protein bars and fruit and such). Would you rather me be grumpy?
6) Understand that I'm not a stereo-typical female. Cars, UFC, motorcycles...those things top my list of stuff that I know & understand & can discuss because I've had experience with all of them at some point or another. However, I AM still female. I like shoes (they may be running shoes but still...) & sunglasses & shopping randomly (window shopping is awesome). I won't beg you to go shopping with me. I'll ask you if you want to go and I won't throw a fit if you say no. If you say yes, we can definitely look at stuff you want to look for (or if you want to go to Lowe's or Gander Mountain or something I'm cool with that too. I like those stores). I also won't ask you to pay for stuff for me or carry my bags.
7) Please know that I like a few of the finer things in life. I like the quality designer things have because they really don't wear out as fast as some other things. I like to go to really nice restaurants once in awhile and stay in nice hotels when I travel. If it's just us, I like renting impractical awesome cars when we travel. Because I can and it's fun sometimes to do stuff that's not completely logical. However, I do love Target and TJ Maxx as well.
8) Be healthy! This isn't a request. You need to be as concerned about your health as I am about mine because A) It gives us the option to do active things together (get your mind out of the gutter. I'm talking about snowboarding and hiking and the like). B) I REALLY don't like fast food (except maybe Chic Fil A once in awhile). It makes me feel guilty to say "You can stop there but I'm not eating anything". If you're of the healthier mindset you'll also understand WHY I'm in the gym as much as I am. Please don't complain about me going to the gym as much as I do. I work my ass off for what I have and I don't intend on losing it.
ADDITIONS TO THIS LIST:
9) You need to accept that my daughter & I are a package deal. It's both of us, not just me. Please treat her as so after you meet her. If you disrespect her (or if you just doesn't like you) it just won't work.
10) Animals! You really should love animals. I have a soft spot in my heart for all animals, I love the zoo and the aquarium even though I've been there TONS of times! My 2 dogs are my babies and they're spoiled rotten. If they don't like you either, it's not going to work.
11) Don't be afraid to speak up and talk to me. You MUST be willing to TALK to me.
12) I'm sensitive and if I don't understand something you've said, I'll ask what you meant or if you can repeat yourself. It doesn't mean I wasn't listening it just means I'm not processing what you're meaning. Please attempt to explain yourself again without getting frustrated with me.
13) Please be willing to go out once in awhile, have a couple drinks and just hang out or go dancing or something but also know that I like to stay home and cuddle on the couch with a good movie as well. If you wanna throw some wine & a fireplace in there I'm TOTALLY okay with that (Moscato D'Asti is my favorite wine).
14) Don't play games. This is NOT a request. I'm 31 and I STILL can't find somebody that knows what loyalty and exclusivity actually means. If you want to give the girl with the nice ass a look at the beach, cool. Chances are, I'll have noticed her first and pointed her out to you. If you want to Facebook message your "friend" that's your ex girlfriend on Facebook about your sex life...First, you're getting a dictionary for Christmas that's turned to the page where "inappropriate" is listed. Second, you're now single.
15) The beach. Like the beach. I LOVE the beach and I feel most at home when I'm near the ocean. I will travel to the beach A LOT during the summer so I'd like it if you go with me.
16) Let me know when YOU want to do something for YOU. Guys night out? Cool. Have fun. Want me to come and do something you love? Awesome. If I like it, I'll join you next time too. If not? Don't stop doing what you love because I might not like it. Teach me about things you enjoy. We'll switch off on stuff like picking movies, places to eat, & things we do together. There's no reason for one person to get everything they want and the other to be left feeling like the things they like are not important.
17) Realize that all of these things apply to me as well in a vice versa context. If you think I'm being weird or sketchy, call me out on it and let's discuss like adults. Then we can make up. :)
I'm sure I'll be adding to this but that's it for now.
Here's to PROGRESS. CHEERS.
1/8/2015 F*ck This!
That was the FIRST thought on my mind this morning and you know what it's pertaining to? The fact that it's 9 Effing degrees outside and there's a wind chill advisory. Fuck that. Seriously. I got in at 1 something this morning from a friend's house and it was 14 and BRUTAL. I want sand, and sun, and FLIP FLOPS. I MISS MY FLIP FLOPS DAMNIT!!! Ugh. I'm flying to Los Angeles in late February and may just not come back until summer.
Anyway, so I'm totally procrastinating right now because I do need to get up. My daughter is missing school today because she has an orthodontist appt and an oral surgeon appt this morning. I don't envy her. The thought of the dentist makes my teeth hurt. However, I very much plan on taking her to a great lunch afterwards because the poor girl is a worrier and is going to be asking a zillion questions about having to get 2 teeth pulled at a later date and if she's going to need braces, when she has to get them, if they'll hurt, etc. etc. I don't remember worrying so much as a kid and I'm definitely pretty laid back when it comes to that stuff now so I have no idea where it comes from for her.
Definitely an update on all that later...
As for me?? Well, my days have gotten significantly better. I've been just stupidly busy as always but I'd say since I last posted, I feel like me again. There's a couple things I want to do today if I get the time. The first is to register for at least 3 5K's and 1 10K this year. My mile time is continuing to improve and I attribute that to making myself do at least 3 miles a day if not more (on the days I don't weight train because it's only a mile on weight days. Who wants to run when you're working legs?).
The second, is I want to make a new "Dear Santa" list. The list of things I want in a guy. Not too much has changed but I do want to go back and re-read it & edit it a bit & add some things to it. THAT I'm excited about because if things keep up like they have the last 3 days, I'll be glad to say that I'm in a much better place & ready to start over with someone new. I'm still terrified that I'll have to go through heartbreak again but recently, I think I might have been proven wrong in thinking that all guys are the same. Trust me, I'm happy to say that and I've always been of the "no risk, no reward" mindset.
So, with that said, I'm off to shower and curse my way through starting the Jeep to warm up while I eat breakfast so I can somehow brave this cold. I need a parka in this nonsense. And someone to lay with that'll let me keep my feet warm up against them (eh hem...requirement #1 of the new list). :)
More later...
Anyway, so I'm totally procrastinating right now because I do need to get up. My daughter is missing school today because she has an orthodontist appt and an oral surgeon appt this morning. I don't envy her. The thought of the dentist makes my teeth hurt. However, I very much plan on taking her to a great lunch afterwards because the poor girl is a worrier and is going to be asking a zillion questions about having to get 2 teeth pulled at a later date and if she's going to need braces, when she has to get them, if they'll hurt, etc. etc. I don't remember worrying so much as a kid and I'm definitely pretty laid back when it comes to that stuff now so I have no idea where it comes from for her.
Definitely an update on all that later...
As for me?? Well, my days have gotten significantly better. I've been just stupidly busy as always but I'd say since I last posted, I feel like me again. There's a couple things I want to do today if I get the time. The first is to register for at least 3 5K's and 1 10K this year. My mile time is continuing to improve and I attribute that to making myself do at least 3 miles a day if not more (on the days I don't weight train because it's only a mile on weight days. Who wants to run when you're working legs?).
The second, is I want to make a new "Dear Santa" list. The list of things I want in a guy. Not too much has changed but I do want to go back and re-read it & edit it a bit & add some things to it. THAT I'm excited about because if things keep up like they have the last 3 days, I'll be glad to say that I'm in a much better place & ready to start over with someone new. I'm still terrified that I'll have to go through heartbreak again but recently, I think I might have been proven wrong in thinking that all guys are the same. Trust me, I'm happy to say that and I've always been of the "no risk, no reward" mindset.
So, with that said, I'm off to shower and curse my way through starting the Jeep to warm up while I eat breakfast so I can somehow brave this cold. I need a parka in this nonsense. And someone to lay with that'll let me keep my feet warm up against them (eh hem...requirement #1 of the new list). :)
More later...
Monday, January 5, 2015
1/5/15 I Used to Love Roller Coasters - Now I Want Off
Thinking back to when you were a kid...why did you love roller coasters? What about them thrilled you? The slow creeping toward the top? Or was it the sudden unexpected plummet to the bottom that took your breath away?
If you're like me, it was a mixture of both. Over all it was just a thrill every time. Even now, I love roller coasters. However, I WANT OFF of the emotional one that I seem to be on. I no longer want to ride and I don't care if it's torn down or burned to the ground. I'll opt for the straight drive right out of the whole f**king theme park if that's what it takes.
As explained to me today, I'm normal. I'm a normal human being who's grieving a loss and this roller coaster of emotions is perfectly normal. **Cue one eyebrowed stare which means, "Really?!"** Up until yesterday my days were GREAT. And yesterday I plummeted. I definitely haven't been able to get rid of the anger that has accompanied the mess of thoughts that I've had about my dear old ex and his new sidekick. I'm really just tired of the same thoughts that I can't get to go away no matter how busy I stay or how much I tell myself it's not beneficial to be even thinking about these things. I'm angry at the fact that he took her to meet his brother and his family at Christmas and probably home to CA for New Year's and I'm angry that he didn't have balls enough break off our relationship when he knew he didn't love me. I'm angry that his brother probably had nothing to say at the fact that my ex moved on so fast (wtf?!). I'm angry that he didn't care enough to answer my calls for help and I'm furious that he moved on so fast. I'm even more angry that his girlfriend is buying into his crap and his SELFISHNESS. Even more than all of that mess, I'm angry that I can't forget him like he's forgotten me. I'm also angry that I spent so much $ on him. About 95% of me wants to call or text him and tell him to mail the watches that I bought him back because Lord knows with all 3 or 4 I'd be able to pay off my credit card and then some. He also probably told his ex he bought them himself which is crap. But hey, I couldn't even get him to mail back my Tupperware containers that I used on a regular basis so I know the watches (eh hem...time pieces) won't happen.
So all in all, I need stress relief. I start acupuncture tomorrow a couple times a week and I'm killing my workouts at the gym. I need clarity so meditating is the choice for that. I need to do it more than I do because it works. My choice of social media lately has been Instagram for the sheer fact that I don't have to post anything but photos which is what I like to do anyway. I don't have to worry about wanting to look up anybody or deal with drama.
I JUST want to get off this ride. It's been a hell of a ride and I'm tired of it. I don't want a new ride, I just want to be back at home where I know for sure that I won't be plummeting unexpectedly into a valley of unwanted emotions.
I'm off to do some much needed relaxation and hope I get a restful nights sleep!!
If you're like me, it was a mixture of both. Over all it was just a thrill every time. Even now, I love roller coasters. However, I WANT OFF of the emotional one that I seem to be on. I no longer want to ride and I don't care if it's torn down or burned to the ground. I'll opt for the straight drive right out of the whole f**king theme park if that's what it takes.
As explained to me today, I'm normal. I'm a normal human being who's grieving a loss and this roller coaster of emotions is perfectly normal. **Cue one eyebrowed stare which means, "Really?!"** Up until yesterday my days were GREAT. And yesterday I plummeted. I definitely haven't been able to get rid of the anger that has accompanied the mess of thoughts that I've had about my dear old ex and his new sidekick. I'm really just tired of the same thoughts that I can't get to go away no matter how busy I stay or how much I tell myself it's not beneficial to be even thinking about these things. I'm angry at the fact that he took her to meet his brother and his family at Christmas and probably home to CA for New Year's and I'm angry that he didn't have balls enough break off our relationship when he knew he didn't love me. I'm angry that his brother probably had nothing to say at the fact that my ex moved on so fast (wtf?!). I'm angry that he didn't care enough to answer my calls for help and I'm furious that he moved on so fast. I'm even more angry that his girlfriend is buying into his crap and his SELFISHNESS. Even more than all of that mess, I'm angry that I can't forget him like he's forgotten me. I'm also angry that I spent so much $ on him. About 95% of me wants to call or text him and tell him to mail the watches that I bought him back because Lord knows with all 3 or 4 I'd be able to pay off my credit card and then some. He also probably told his ex he bought them himself which is crap. But hey, I couldn't even get him to mail back my Tupperware containers that I used on a regular basis so I know the watches (eh hem...time pieces) won't happen.
So all in all, I need stress relief. I start acupuncture tomorrow a couple times a week and I'm killing my workouts at the gym. I need clarity so meditating is the choice for that. I need to do it more than I do because it works. My choice of social media lately has been Instagram for the sheer fact that I don't have to post anything but photos which is what I like to do anyway. I don't have to worry about wanting to look up anybody or deal with drama.
I JUST want to get off this ride. It's been a hell of a ride and I'm tired of it. I don't want a new ride, I just want to be back at home where I know for sure that I won't be plummeting unexpectedly into a valley of unwanted emotions.
I'm off to do some much needed relaxation and hope I get a restful nights sleep!!
Sunday, January 4, 2015
1/4/15 I Had to Leave...
So, first, I realized I've still been dating these posts with a December date. Definitely something I would do. :-). At least I got the year right!
Anyway, so today has actually ended up being a stay at home day. I did our meal plan for the next few days so I can go shopping tomorrow for the stuff. LOTS of yummy food on the menu.
My girl got this amazing Lego set from her dad for Christmas so we've been putting that together for hours and watching the Jetsons.
More importantly, I've been doing some thinking today on what it means to be with someone and how someone makes you feel in a relationship. At the beginning of any relationship there's that "honeymoon phase". The first 3 months are phenomenal and then you start to get to know the person. I've had this in all of my relationships except for this latest one. We were friends for 6 months before we started officially dating so there wasn't really any of the honeymoon phase (he actually agreed with me on this once when we discussed it so I'm not downing that part of our relationship). I prefer this...being friends with someone first was incredibly beneficial. So after the "everything is perfect" phase, what do you move to within 6 months and a year and after that? How does that person make you feel when you're with them? The absolute best memories I have of my ex are 1) The first time he came over to my house and I walked him out to his car when he left he pulled me close and kissed me. One of those passionate, can't be rivaled by words moments. And then it started pouring down rain. It was seriously something out of a movie and I'll remember that moment and how I felt forever. 2) Laying on the couch watching movies with him laying in my lap and me playing with his hair.
I bring these moments to light because they're moments when I felt closest to my ex. I felt like we belonged together. They're small things but they stand out most because we were there together. We were present and our hearts were in it. As time went on, as previously mentioned in a different post, he was more distant, not present, no heart. There is absolutely nothing worse than being with someone and having them make you feel like you're alone. I've always said that complacency in any relationship will kill it quickly. Complacency is different than not being present and shutting out the other person though. So I think this might be filed under one of the reasons things came to a close. I said from the beginning that we were no longer on the same page and I've kind of just now been able to pinpoint how that made me feel. I felt very alone even when we were together.
Anyway, there wasn't a whole lot of point to all that except to get what I was thinking out and to put it to rest with everything else. I'm getting there (where I need to be). Baby steps. Little by little I'm finding my heart doesn't hurt so much and I'm getting back to a sense of normal.
So I guess here's to all the randomly occurring thoughts and emotions that pop up on quiet days. May they bring a sense of calm and quiet within ones heart and head. Cheers.
QOTD: "I had to leave. I felt lonely when he held me." -Warsan Shire
Anyway, so today has actually ended up being a stay at home day. I did our meal plan for the next few days so I can go shopping tomorrow for the stuff. LOTS of yummy food on the menu.
My girl got this amazing Lego set from her dad for Christmas so we've been putting that together for hours and watching the Jetsons.
More importantly, I've been doing some thinking today on what it means to be with someone and how someone makes you feel in a relationship. At the beginning of any relationship there's that "honeymoon phase". The first 3 months are phenomenal and then you start to get to know the person. I've had this in all of my relationships except for this latest one. We were friends for 6 months before we started officially dating so there wasn't really any of the honeymoon phase (he actually agreed with me on this once when we discussed it so I'm not downing that part of our relationship). I prefer this...being friends with someone first was incredibly beneficial. So after the "everything is perfect" phase, what do you move to within 6 months and a year and after that? How does that person make you feel when you're with them? The absolute best memories I have of my ex are 1) The first time he came over to my house and I walked him out to his car when he left he pulled me close and kissed me. One of those passionate, can't be rivaled by words moments. And then it started pouring down rain. It was seriously something out of a movie and I'll remember that moment and how I felt forever. 2) Laying on the couch watching movies with him laying in my lap and me playing with his hair.
I bring these moments to light because they're moments when I felt closest to my ex. I felt like we belonged together. They're small things but they stand out most because we were there together. We were present and our hearts were in it. As time went on, as previously mentioned in a different post, he was more distant, not present, no heart. There is absolutely nothing worse than being with someone and having them make you feel like you're alone. I've always said that complacency in any relationship will kill it quickly. Complacency is different than not being present and shutting out the other person though. So I think this might be filed under one of the reasons things came to a close. I said from the beginning that we were no longer on the same page and I've kind of just now been able to pinpoint how that made me feel. I felt very alone even when we were together.
Anyway, there wasn't a whole lot of point to all that except to get what I was thinking out and to put it to rest with everything else. I'm getting there (where I need to be). Baby steps. Little by little I'm finding my heart doesn't hurt so much and I'm getting back to a sense of normal.
So I guess here's to all the randomly occurring thoughts and emotions that pop up on quiet days. May they bring a sense of calm and quiet within ones heart and head. Cheers.
QOTD: "I had to leave. I felt lonely when he held me." -Warsan Shire
1/4/15 Unexpected Dreaming
I don't USUALLY blog in the morning hours. I also am usually up before the sun these days and don't go to bed before 1130pm but I suppose since I fell asleep around 9pm last night I should have known things would be a bit off. It's 9am and I just fully woke up about 30 min ago. I started tossing and turning around 630 I guess but it wasn't just shoulder discomfort like it usually is.
I had a massively weird dream about my ex. Figures right? The dream entailed me being on some kind of cruise or vacation with my extended family (there's a lot of us so we were all spread out around this HUGE table during a meal). It was later in the year - late September to be specific - and the news was on. It was showing some kind of an attack overseas and I remember thinking that's where my ex was deployed to. After that, a messenger came in with a wrapped up letter and when I opened it, it was from my ex. I thought it was weird that he would write to me and not to his girlfriend. In the letter he stated that he didn't know if he was going to make it because there were a lot of attacks and such going on and that he was going to try and call at some point and to keep my phone on. A bit of time passed (a few days) and the exact same setting was happening in the dream except there were a lot of huge waves crashing onto the boat we were on and these fold down windows they had needed to be shut. My phone rang but there wasn't anyone there and then another letter came in and this one said "I'm sorry! I love YOU!" (Go figure right?). In the dream I got this image of my ex kind of all battered and beat up from fighting where he was. Okay so time passes a bit more and this time I was walking around the same boat but it had turned into this hotel area that was really really crowded with people. My family was sleeping on the floor in the halls because it was so packed. I got a phone call and when I answered it, my ex was yelling because of bad service and noise in the background. He said that he had been where I was and was looking for me but I didn't answer his texts as to where I was and he had to leave to get back overseas. I told my family it was him and Id missed him and one of them answered "Oh, well, it's just (insert his name here)." End dream.
Very weird but Im fairly certain it combined elements of the fact that he IS going to be deployed later this year with my wondering if something will end up happening to him under the circumstances he will be in. As far as the letters, my subconscious probably is wondering if he will ever change. No matter though because a) it doesn't actually affect me in reality and b) it doesnt benefit me to sit and wonder about his path of life.
So, I'm off to cook breakfast, hit the gym, and maybe even go see a movie today. I'm ready for it to get warm outside for sure. The rain and cold just makes it insanely miserable. Thank goodness for heated seats. :-).
Here's to being able to write down my thoughts so they're no longer on my mind and having a clear headed day! Cheers!
I had a massively weird dream about my ex. Figures right? The dream entailed me being on some kind of cruise or vacation with my extended family (there's a lot of us so we were all spread out around this HUGE table during a meal). It was later in the year - late September to be specific - and the news was on. It was showing some kind of an attack overseas and I remember thinking that's where my ex was deployed to. After that, a messenger came in with a wrapped up letter and when I opened it, it was from my ex. I thought it was weird that he would write to me and not to his girlfriend. In the letter he stated that he didn't know if he was going to make it because there were a lot of attacks and such going on and that he was going to try and call at some point and to keep my phone on. A bit of time passed (a few days) and the exact same setting was happening in the dream except there were a lot of huge waves crashing onto the boat we were on and these fold down windows they had needed to be shut. My phone rang but there wasn't anyone there and then another letter came in and this one said "I'm sorry! I love YOU!" (Go figure right?). In the dream I got this image of my ex kind of all battered and beat up from fighting where he was. Okay so time passes a bit more and this time I was walking around the same boat but it had turned into this hotel area that was really really crowded with people. My family was sleeping on the floor in the halls because it was so packed. I got a phone call and when I answered it, my ex was yelling because of bad service and noise in the background. He said that he had been where I was and was looking for me but I didn't answer his texts as to where I was and he had to leave to get back overseas. I told my family it was him and Id missed him and one of them answered "Oh, well, it's just (insert his name here)." End dream.
Very weird but Im fairly certain it combined elements of the fact that he IS going to be deployed later this year with my wondering if something will end up happening to him under the circumstances he will be in. As far as the letters, my subconscious probably is wondering if he will ever change. No matter though because a) it doesn't actually affect me in reality and b) it doesnt benefit me to sit and wonder about his path of life.
So, I'm off to cook breakfast, hit the gym, and maybe even go see a movie today. I'm ready for it to get warm outside for sure. The rain and cold just makes it insanely miserable. Thank goodness for heated seats. :-).
Here's to being able to write down my thoughts so they're no longer on my mind and having a clear headed day! Cheers!
Friday, January 2, 2015
1/2/15 Move It Move It...Literally.
That title applies in SO many ways right now!
First, that song from Madagascar played in the car yesterday and my little niece & nephew started dancing in their car seats so I definitely laugh when I think of that. Little arms waving and all.
Second, today has been nothing but moving! All. Day. Long. From 6:30am until about 6:30pm when I sat down for dinner. Gym, errands, more errands, organizing the house and cleaning out my closet, laundry....oy.
Third, move it...literally. Out of state. OFFICIALLY. My lease is up mid-May which is absolutely inconvenient because it's about 15 days before my daughter gets out of school. So I asked my landlord to extend the lease until the 3rd week in June. And then guess what? We're outta here. Right now it's looking like we will be heading to the Charlotte vicinity and that will be a transitional move just to get stabilized for awhile. Ultimately we will end up in a more tropical setting but I'm not ready to move quite as far as FL yet. However, Boca eventually is looking like it's going to be the place for us but for the next couple years, NC it is. VERY excited about this change but there's so much work to be done! I'll be down in the area to visit soon and scope things out. A school needs to be found, my official PT test needs to be taken so I can find a job there (I actually may have something lined up already but I don't want to jinx that), housing, packing....it's going to go by VERY fast. My daughter is pretty excited too actually which I'm happy about. She's considering it an adventure which is awesome. :)
Anyhow, so, this is going to be a short post. Bills must be paid and 630 is coming early in the morning. Lots to get done tomorrow as well!
Here's to no negativity today and sweet dreams. Cheers.
First, that song from Madagascar played in the car yesterday and my little niece & nephew started dancing in their car seats so I definitely laugh when I think of that. Little arms waving and all.
Second, today has been nothing but moving! All. Day. Long. From 6:30am until about 6:30pm when I sat down for dinner. Gym, errands, more errands, organizing the house and cleaning out my closet, laundry....oy.
Third, move it...literally. Out of state. OFFICIALLY. My lease is up mid-May which is absolutely inconvenient because it's about 15 days before my daughter gets out of school. So I asked my landlord to extend the lease until the 3rd week in June. And then guess what? We're outta here. Right now it's looking like we will be heading to the Charlotte vicinity and that will be a transitional move just to get stabilized for awhile. Ultimately we will end up in a more tropical setting but I'm not ready to move quite as far as FL yet. However, Boca eventually is looking like it's going to be the place for us but for the next couple years, NC it is. VERY excited about this change but there's so much work to be done! I'll be down in the area to visit soon and scope things out. A school needs to be found, my official PT test needs to be taken so I can find a job there (I actually may have something lined up already but I don't want to jinx that), housing, packing....it's going to go by VERY fast. My daughter is pretty excited too actually which I'm happy about. She's considering it an adventure which is awesome. :)
Anyhow, so, this is going to be a short post. Bills must be paid and 630 is coming early in the morning. Lots to get done tomorrow as well!
Here's to no negativity today and sweet dreams. Cheers.
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