Its been what? Almost 2 years since I've posted here? Phew. Time goes so quickly. i can't even tell you what I wrote the last time that I logged in.
I can tell you that my recovery from my ex - the depression & suicide, the anxiety - hasn't been around in a very long time. I can also tell you that my days have been a little bit rocky lately. I won't indulge you as to why right now but yesterday my house was really quiet for a good majority of the day. I found myself thinking back to how I felt when I left my ex and I recognized that the pain that I'm feeling currently, gave me the same thoughts that I had then. I honestly had the thought "i can make the hurt go away just by a little cut". I stood and looked at myself in the mirror and couldn't believe that after all this time, those thoughts were capable of creeping into my head.
The difference between last time and this time is that I've grown. I'm stronger. My heart hurts right now, and it may hurt even more in the upcoming days, but I don't have control over that. I only have control over how I act and react and I choose to be stronger than I was a couple of years ago. I cried a lot yesterday. And this morning. I recognize that this comes from fear. I don't have a crystal ball (if anyone does, please let me know, Id like to borrow it) so when my gut tells me that I may not get what I want, or need in this case, I'm automatically frustrated & scared. People react to these emotions different ways. I cry to release these emotions.
Over the last couple of years I learned a lot about myself. I learned that I could love again. I learned that I'm happy doing crazy things with my hair and that will probably never change (if you remember, my ex despised colored hair. To that I say "go f*ck yourself cause I'm gonna be me, regardless of what you think). I learned that I'm stronger than I think I am but some days, I really need someone else to carry the weight, and that's okay. I also learned how to need someone else and I'm terrible at it. Let me explain this because a lot of strong, independent people out there are going "psssh. I don't need anyone except myself. I can do it alone." Maybe so. I've been a single mom for 10 years so you can imagine that I've gotten pretty darn good at taking on daily chores, taking care of people, taking care of the animals that live here, doing "manly" chores, etc. When I met my current significant other, I found it difficult to give up doing those things and ask for help. Fast forward almost 2 years into our relationship, it's still difficult to let go of doing everything (bet you didn't see that coming!). But that doesn't mean that I don't need the help or don't want the help. It just means that I'm stubborn and need to learn to let go of control more (something else I'm terrible at). I slowly started letting him change light bulbs and kill bugs so I'm getting there. :) Here's a secret: even if I say I don't need help, and even if I do things myself in exasperation, my heart is still happy that he's asked or told me to stop doing everything. Every. Single. Time. I also treasure the feeling of having someone to come home to & vent to. That's something I've gotten good at but I digress because my next few words are getting into that.
On top of all of these things, I've learned that I like having someone else by my side and as much as I bitched and as much hell as I went through and as many times as I swore off love, somehow I learned that I'm still capable of loving and love was capable of creeping back into my life. I have so many insecurities from my past relationship. Just yesterday I asked my cousin if she could pinpoint a reason why it seems like the universe has damned me to love people that either don't love me back, or don't want to stay with me. This morning I woke up angry at the universe for not giving me what I want and for potentially taking away something that I'm finally happy with. I still haven't come up with a reason for the struggles I'm dealing with now. My cousin doesn't have a logical reason for my question although she did encourage me that I'm "strong and independent and sometimes that's a lot for people to handle". The end of her statement did tell me that I should never change who I am and I appreciate that. I appreciate those that love me for who I am and those that love my weirdness, my moods, my random thinking. These people are the ones that I know I can count on. Every. Single. Time.
I'm done rambling on for now. I have a lot to do today and some deep breathing & meditation is in order so that I can get through the day in one piece (small goals here, people. Larger goals will come later).
Until next time. Here's to not giving into pain, anger, and frustration. Here's to being able to see that you've come miles than you were before and acknowledging that you still have miles to go but being willing to work on that is a huge achievement. Cheers.
Thursday, June 22, 2017
Thursday, December 31, 2015
12/31/15 - What A Ride
17 minutes until 2016...
What a year it's been. 2014 ended on a sour note but in reading my first post in 2015, I had a very positive outlook on what I wanted to gain from the new year. The first few months were extremely difficult in trying to put my life back together from depression. I found out who my family truly is...my closest friends I can count on one hand that have been with me for ages. These people picked me up and carried me through months on end until I could hold myself up.
Slowly but surely my year got better as I got stronger and I can honestly say that there haven't been any major falls throughout the year that I haven't been able to overcome. I'm also proud to say that I've been able to travel a lot this year and made a few new friends (two of my goals that I had set at the beginning of the year).
9 minutes until 2016...
My goals for 2016 include saving money (today held the surprise of getting hired for a new job!), getting things set to start a new business, no injuries from training that require surgery, and building myself physically into a much stronger person. Emotionally, I'm solid. That's one of the main things I wanted to see from 2015 - Me rebuilding my foundation into a solid piece of work that I'm proud of. It's been an amazing year over all and I'm happy to have amazing people in my life that have helped me be able to sit here and write all these positive things.
Not sure if I'll continue this blog into 2016 but we'll see.
If not, here's to everyone who's been there for me, followed my blog from the beginning, and anyone that I may have encouraged just a little bit by writing. You're all amazing.
Here's to an amazing life and a phenomenal 2016! CHEERS YALL.
What a year it's been. 2014 ended on a sour note but in reading my first post in 2015, I had a very positive outlook on what I wanted to gain from the new year. The first few months were extremely difficult in trying to put my life back together from depression. I found out who my family truly is...my closest friends I can count on one hand that have been with me for ages. These people picked me up and carried me through months on end until I could hold myself up.
Slowly but surely my year got better as I got stronger and I can honestly say that there haven't been any major falls throughout the year that I haven't been able to overcome. I'm also proud to say that I've been able to travel a lot this year and made a few new friends (two of my goals that I had set at the beginning of the year).
9 minutes until 2016...
My goals for 2016 include saving money (today held the surprise of getting hired for a new job!), getting things set to start a new business, no injuries from training that require surgery, and building myself physically into a much stronger person. Emotionally, I'm solid. That's one of the main things I wanted to see from 2015 - Me rebuilding my foundation into a solid piece of work that I'm proud of. It's been an amazing year over all and I'm happy to have amazing people in my life that have helped me be able to sit here and write all these positive things.
Not sure if I'll continue this blog into 2016 but we'll see.
If not, here's to everyone who's been there for me, followed my blog from the beginning, and anyone that I may have encouraged just a little bit by writing. You're all amazing.
Here's to an amazing life and a phenomenal 2016! CHEERS YALL.
Monday, September 28, 2015
My Life - ONE YEAR LATER
Yeah...you read that subject line correctly. It's been a year...ONE WHOLE YEAR...since my life did a spiral that I never thought I'd have to endure.
The last time I blogged was May 1st. It's been awhile and a lot has happened in 4 months but for those of you keeping up with me, you know where I started a year ago. As a recap for those of you who don't know, September 28th, 2014 was the day that I called my ex and asked him if he loved me. It had been almost 2 years that we were together and he had never uttered those words. The response that I got was, "do you really want to have this conversation right now?" Fast forward to an hour or so later and I got "No, I don't love you. I've tried to make myself love you and have kept hoping it would change but it hasn't. I also don't have any love to give right now...". This coming from someone that I had made my life revolve around and had dropped everything for and was invested in heart and soul. I knew my decision to break up with him was the right one when I made it. It was one of those things that you feel deep in your gut needed to happen but don't act on because you know it's going to be painful to endure and quite frankly, lonely. It was easier to stay and save myself from the loneliness as well as from having to start over in the dating world (I thoroughly despise the concept of dating & the morons that come with it).
Despite breaking up with my ex, we kept in touch for a couple of weeks- mostly in the form of me regretting my decision to leave him (loneliness kicked in, I was sad that I had lost the person that was seemingly my best friend) and him saying he missed me. I found out about 2 weeks after I left him that he had met a girl in his area (he moved at the beginning of Sept bc of military) and I freaked out. Welcome to my spiral I never thought I would be in. Online Facebook stalking, constant panicked texting, panicked phone calls and voicemails...all of these things signs of a deep rooted depression that I had ignored for a LONG time because I wasn't actually happy and hadn't been happy in my relationship. I had lost the foundation of who I was and couldn't function without my ex there since my world WAS him. I remember calling my ex, leaving him a voicemail where I was just hysterically in tears, hanging up, and then waking up on my bathroom floor with blood on my wrists. This all in a period of a couple of hours but after that was kind of slow motion and blurry. Calling for help, having phone calls that were made to therapists for me to try and get me an immediate appointment, texting my friends because I needed that support system...
All in all I know I never wanted to actually try and end this beautiful life that I have but I'll NEVER forget the deep seated pain that I felt in my heart and gut when I learned my ex had moved on within a matter of weeks. I can't even really put it into words and you won't understand unless you've been in a similar spot and you know where I'm coming from. There's literally a physical hurt that you experience that's crippling. It's awful and I'll never wish that on anybody.
Admitting that you're depressed and need help is a whole other feat in itself but it's also something that I'd never change for the world. Going twice a week to my therapist was literally a life saver. Having a constant support of close friends (at any hour of the day) is also something that will stay with me forever. I know who's in my circle and who I can trust to listen and never ever judge me...it's a VERY small circle but I'd never change it.
I was released from therapy back in June with the knowledge that experiences like those that I went through ONLY make you stronger but you have to be willing to fight for yourself and know that you're worth every bit of the struggle. I'm worth it.
There have been so many positive outcomes from my ordeal that I can't even count them. I got involved in Krav Maga for stress management in January of this year, fell in love with it, and joined in Muay Thai and Jiujitsu. I'm confident that I could hold my own in any kind of altercation and I enjoy fighting for sport, but more importantly, the self confidence I've gained from those activities has been life altering. Despite a few injuries and surgeries from fighting, there's absolutely nothing negative that I have to say about my experience with martial arts and Krav. I've met some amazing people that I'll always be friends with and the atmosphere at the academy is family oriented.
I've gotten to travel a lot this year which I'm always thankful for but it's been so much fun to travel with my friends. We've gotten to know each other better and have gotten to see each other in different environments other than our home. It's been a blast, I have the best people in my life.
I have a couple of new tattoos but the one closest to my heart is my Semicolon on my wrist. If you haven't heard of the Semicolon Project, google it. It's such a great way to bring awareness to depression and anxiety and self-harm and it lets people know that they're not alone. A semicolon is a place in a story where an author could have ended the sentence but they chose not to. In essence, you're the author and the sentence is your life. The semicolon tattoo is a way of letting the world know that you chose not to end your story.
Today I received my NASM Personal Training Certification so officially, I'm a personal trainer now. Studying was a TON of stress but again, I couldn't have passed without the support that I got from the people around me.
There's been a ton more that's happened and that is happening but honestly, the most important thing is that I'm legitimately HAPPY and I love who I've become. I don't regret spending 2 years of my life with someone that didn't love me because I've learned from it. Nobody can predict the future but you can learn a ton about yourself when you're willing to look at your past. You can also be sure that what I endured won't stop me from being willing to love someone else. There's no reward that comes from closing yourself off and putting up cement walls around your heart. Being hurt can only make you stronger but you have to let the hurt in when it comes and be willing to work with it and mold it into something that is going to make you a better person. Today I can successfully say that I've done that.
So after a year chock full of personal growth and new opportunities, I can truly say this:
HERE'S TO FINDING OUT WHO YOU REALLY ARE AND FINDING OUT WHAT YOU'RE MADE OF.
HERE'S TO CHOOSING TO THRIVE ON YOUR STRENGTHS AND YOUR WEAKNESSES. HERE'S TO THOSE THAT LOVE YOU NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE OR WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH.
Cheers ya'll.
The last time I blogged was May 1st. It's been awhile and a lot has happened in 4 months but for those of you keeping up with me, you know where I started a year ago. As a recap for those of you who don't know, September 28th, 2014 was the day that I called my ex and asked him if he loved me. It had been almost 2 years that we were together and he had never uttered those words. The response that I got was, "do you really want to have this conversation right now?" Fast forward to an hour or so later and I got "No, I don't love you. I've tried to make myself love you and have kept hoping it would change but it hasn't. I also don't have any love to give right now...". This coming from someone that I had made my life revolve around and had dropped everything for and was invested in heart and soul. I knew my decision to break up with him was the right one when I made it. It was one of those things that you feel deep in your gut needed to happen but don't act on because you know it's going to be painful to endure and quite frankly, lonely. It was easier to stay and save myself from the loneliness as well as from having to start over in the dating world (I thoroughly despise the concept of dating & the morons that come with it).
Despite breaking up with my ex, we kept in touch for a couple of weeks- mostly in the form of me regretting my decision to leave him (loneliness kicked in, I was sad that I had lost the person that was seemingly my best friend) and him saying he missed me. I found out about 2 weeks after I left him that he had met a girl in his area (he moved at the beginning of Sept bc of military) and I freaked out. Welcome to my spiral I never thought I would be in. Online Facebook stalking, constant panicked texting, panicked phone calls and voicemails...all of these things signs of a deep rooted depression that I had ignored for a LONG time because I wasn't actually happy and hadn't been happy in my relationship. I had lost the foundation of who I was and couldn't function without my ex there since my world WAS him. I remember calling my ex, leaving him a voicemail where I was just hysterically in tears, hanging up, and then waking up on my bathroom floor with blood on my wrists. This all in a period of a couple of hours but after that was kind of slow motion and blurry. Calling for help, having phone calls that were made to therapists for me to try and get me an immediate appointment, texting my friends because I needed that support system...
All in all I know I never wanted to actually try and end this beautiful life that I have but I'll NEVER forget the deep seated pain that I felt in my heart and gut when I learned my ex had moved on within a matter of weeks. I can't even really put it into words and you won't understand unless you've been in a similar spot and you know where I'm coming from. There's literally a physical hurt that you experience that's crippling. It's awful and I'll never wish that on anybody.
Admitting that you're depressed and need help is a whole other feat in itself but it's also something that I'd never change for the world. Going twice a week to my therapist was literally a life saver. Having a constant support of close friends (at any hour of the day) is also something that will stay with me forever. I know who's in my circle and who I can trust to listen and never ever judge me...it's a VERY small circle but I'd never change it.
I was released from therapy back in June with the knowledge that experiences like those that I went through ONLY make you stronger but you have to be willing to fight for yourself and know that you're worth every bit of the struggle. I'm worth it.
There have been so many positive outcomes from my ordeal that I can't even count them. I got involved in Krav Maga for stress management in January of this year, fell in love with it, and joined in Muay Thai and Jiujitsu. I'm confident that I could hold my own in any kind of altercation and I enjoy fighting for sport, but more importantly, the self confidence I've gained from those activities has been life altering. Despite a few injuries and surgeries from fighting, there's absolutely nothing negative that I have to say about my experience with martial arts and Krav. I've met some amazing people that I'll always be friends with and the atmosphere at the academy is family oriented.
I've gotten to travel a lot this year which I'm always thankful for but it's been so much fun to travel with my friends. We've gotten to know each other better and have gotten to see each other in different environments other than our home. It's been a blast, I have the best people in my life.
I have a couple of new tattoos but the one closest to my heart is my Semicolon on my wrist. If you haven't heard of the Semicolon Project, google it. It's such a great way to bring awareness to depression and anxiety and self-harm and it lets people know that they're not alone. A semicolon is a place in a story where an author could have ended the sentence but they chose not to. In essence, you're the author and the sentence is your life. The semicolon tattoo is a way of letting the world know that you chose not to end your story.
Today I received my NASM Personal Training Certification so officially, I'm a personal trainer now. Studying was a TON of stress but again, I couldn't have passed without the support that I got from the people around me.
There's been a ton more that's happened and that is happening but honestly, the most important thing is that I'm legitimately HAPPY and I love who I've become. I don't regret spending 2 years of my life with someone that didn't love me because I've learned from it. Nobody can predict the future but you can learn a ton about yourself when you're willing to look at your past. You can also be sure that what I endured won't stop me from being willing to love someone else. There's no reward that comes from closing yourself off and putting up cement walls around your heart. Being hurt can only make you stronger but you have to let the hurt in when it comes and be willing to work with it and mold it into something that is going to make you a better person. Today I can successfully say that I've done that.
So after a year chock full of personal growth and new opportunities, I can truly say this:
HERE'S TO FINDING OUT WHO YOU REALLY ARE AND FINDING OUT WHAT YOU'RE MADE OF.
HERE'S TO CHOOSING TO THRIVE ON YOUR STRENGTHS AND YOUR WEAKNESSES. HERE'S TO THOSE THAT LOVE YOU NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE OR WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH.
Cheers ya'll.
Friday, May 1, 2015
4/30/15 Finally, I can BREATHE!
Holy moly! It's the end of APRIL. ALREADY. I can't even express how quickly time has flown by since the New Year. It seems like decades ago that I started this blog and didn't know where I was going to end up or which way to turn. I've really comes miles since that and as of today, can OFFICIALLY say that every part of my ex boyfriend is in my past.
The ex and I used to shop A LOT. For whatever reason I'd buy him this and that with no regard as to how it was going to effect me financially. After having no boyfriend for 7 months and having to pay bills that were from stuff I bought him from that time, I was able to wake up this morning and pay off EVERYTHING. I don't think anybody really knows how freeing that is but let me tell you, it's an AMAZING feeling. A few months before we broke up I almost had my one large credit card paid off. I think I only had $2000 left to pay on it. And then I made a big purchase for the ex and BAM. Back to square one. I have some theories as to why we buy people things but I really don't want to go into them in depth. In a nut shell, I kind of figure that we do these things for people we love because a) you like to make them happy or b) you're trying to buy their love. For me, the choice was A. I love to see people happy and I don't really think twice a lot of times about buying them something if it's something they need or even just something they'd want to have but can't get themselves. It's second nature because I do it for family and friends as well. In this case, my buying got out of hand and I ended up in a bigger hole than I could ever imagine. To the point where paying on interest on a credit card was ALL I was doing every month and there was no progress being made.
At this point in my life I'm thinking more about my future. There's things that I want to do in the near future but I can easily see the need to be able to pay off whatever I charge every month without racking up some huge debt. If I can't do some of those things when I want to, they're just going to have to wait because I refuse to go back into that hole for anybody, including myself.
I've never been the most financially responsible person but apparently it's time to step up and take on that challenge. Why not? I'm already on a mission to do other new things things year that I haven't done before so that's going on the list. :)
On another note, these past few months have been CRAZY exciting. I've gotten the opportunity to fly to CA to a training camp at Punishment Training Center (owned by Tito Ortiz) and will be trained for 2-3 days by Cris Cyborg. Google her if you don't know the name. It's going to be brutal and I'll probably need to write a will before I go but hey, its something I love and I'm good at. Plus, my training partner will be coming with me and she's just kick ass anyway so it'll be a good time.
I've been traveling a lot which everyone in the world knows I love to do. I'd like to plan something special for my birthday this year since I didn't do much of anything last year. We'll see. It's a little ways off and there's other priorities first that need to be taken care of.
I'm seeing someone new and I'm pretty excited about it but unless you know me and you're well informed, details shall be kept to myself. All I WILL say is that he actually SHOWS that he cares and that's pretty nice to have. He's younger and that's different for me but honestly, he's got his shit together more than some older people I've been with so it's really not a big deal. So there's that.
I'll be moving soon so that's going to be an adventure in itself. I'm sticking to VA for another year because I couldn't find a school on such short notice for my daughter but I think this is how things are meant to play out. I feel settled and on the right track at the moment with no major hang ups and that's a good thing. I feel like I'm focused on the right things and being the best person I can be right now and more so, I'm HAPPY with where I am in life.
I definitely haven't written in awhile and I'm okay with that. I come here when I feel called to do so and that's enough for me.
So, until next time. Here's to the small moments of struggling that have turned into a larger picture of success. Cheers.
I've been traveling a lot which everyone in the world knows I love to do. I'd like to plan something special for my birthday this year since I didn't do much of anything last year. We'll see. It's a little ways off and there's other priorities first that need to be taken care of.
I'm seeing someone new and I'm pretty excited about it but unless you know me and you're well informed, details shall be kept to myself. All I WILL say is that he actually SHOWS that he cares and that's pretty nice to have. He's younger and that's different for me but honestly, he's got his shit together more than some older people I've been with so it's really not a big deal. So there's that.
I'll be moving soon so that's going to be an adventure in itself. I'm sticking to VA for another year because I couldn't find a school on such short notice for my daughter but I think this is how things are meant to play out. I feel settled and on the right track at the moment with no major hang ups and that's a good thing. I feel like I'm focused on the right things and being the best person I can be right now and more so, I'm HAPPY with where I am in life.
I definitely haven't written in awhile and I'm okay with that. I come here when I feel called to do so and that's enough for me.
So, until next time. Here's to the small moments of struggling that have turned into a larger picture of success. Cheers.
Sunday, April 5, 2015
4/5/15 Easter & All It Had to Offer
I find myself posting here less and less as daily life consumes me. I think that's okay. I actually think that's a good thing. It means my heart and my head are getting back where they belong and I'm getting back on the track I need to be on.
I'm on a mission. I have a set of long and short term goals that I very much plan on meeting. Right now, a relationship isn't really on that list of goals unless a guy magically falls out of the sky and somebody decides to tap me on the shoulder and say "hey, you need to take time out of your schedules to date this one". And even then, that comment needs to be followed by a spread sheet of pros and cons with the pros heavily outweighing the latter. Every once in awhile I come across a guy that's nice to look at, chat with, flirt with, etc. but nobody has really proven to me why I need to stop the path I'm on right now (or at the very least, slow it down) to be with them. I'm okay with that.
Easter (or, Oestre if you're of the pagan beliefs) was a good one this year. It's always really exciting to see my daughter get so excited about her goodies in her Easter basket. We don't keep a lot of candy and sweets around the house so the bunny likes to deliver movies, gift cards, mad libs, and organic treats to make her happy. I really hope she never grows out of the fun of having characters deliver gifts. My mom & I still make little baskets for each other from the Easter Bunny and still label a few gifts "From Santa" at Christmas time. It just makes the holidays a little more magical and fun.
The only snag I seemed to hit today was having my ex pop up first thing this morning. One of those situations where you just kind of look sideways at your computer and go "Really? Do you really want to start with this crap right now?" I made the comment to my cousin and a friend yesterday "Ha! Tomorrow isn't just Easter, it's He Who Shall Not Be Named's Birthday! I'm going to celebrate not having to spend $ on him by going out and buying myself something nice!" I made the comment as a joke, offhand, with no intention of actually doing said buying and with no intention of giving my ex any other kind of thought. Apparently, the technological world had other ideas today. I fired up the good ol laptop earlier this afternoon with the intention of printing some tickets and boarding passes (vacation tomorrow!) and the very first thing on my laptop calendar reminder was "___ Birthday". Thanks for that MacBook. Eyeroll. Delete. I needed to put some videos onto my external hard drive so I fired that up and lo and behold, the first folder I see is from when the ex borrowed my hard drive and uploaded movies to it so his name and his movies popped up. Again, repeated eye rolling and deleting ensued but the irritation continued to hang around for a bit. One of those moments where you just kind of sit and breathe and go "REALLY?! Can't you just GO AWAY?!" Permanently? Forever? And whatever words might be synonyms for Permanently?
The path that I'm on currently does NOT include my ex, thinking about my ex, looking up my ex or any part of his life or the years that we had together. I'd quite like him to stop unexpectedly showing up! The path that I'm on very much includes moving in June as planned, finding an amazing job, and possibly even adding a Nutrition degree to my list of things I want to do. I'm thinking I may want to work with seniors once I move somewhere warmer. We'll see. Like I said, on a mission. I feel like great things are happening and I'm finally in a place where I'm happy and on the right track again.
I truly enjoyed today over all. My mom cooked a great meal and my daughter and I hung out at her house. It's FINALLY starting to get warm outside and so we played in the yard with our dogs and enjoyed the weather. I'm definitely thankful for my family and the chance to be with them as much as possible. My mind and body are healing (I'm back to Krav & lifting at the gym! Yay!) and I couldn't ask for a better group of friends and family that have stood by me in these last 6 months (that long already, I know, time flies!).
Tomorrow is a new day and my munchkin and I are off to paradise for a couple days for Spring Break. More on that when we return though. :)
Here's to the hangups and little snags in life that make us fight even harder to reach our goals. Cheers!
I'm on a mission. I have a set of long and short term goals that I very much plan on meeting. Right now, a relationship isn't really on that list of goals unless a guy magically falls out of the sky and somebody decides to tap me on the shoulder and say "hey, you need to take time out of your schedules to date this one". And even then, that comment needs to be followed by a spread sheet of pros and cons with the pros heavily outweighing the latter. Every once in awhile I come across a guy that's nice to look at, chat with, flirt with, etc. but nobody has really proven to me why I need to stop the path I'm on right now (or at the very least, slow it down) to be with them. I'm okay with that.
Easter (or, Oestre if you're of the pagan beliefs) was a good one this year. It's always really exciting to see my daughter get so excited about her goodies in her Easter basket. We don't keep a lot of candy and sweets around the house so the bunny likes to deliver movies, gift cards, mad libs, and organic treats to make her happy. I really hope she never grows out of the fun of having characters deliver gifts. My mom & I still make little baskets for each other from the Easter Bunny and still label a few gifts "From Santa" at Christmas time. It just makes the holidays a little more magical and fun.
The only snag I seemed to hit today was having my ex pop up first thing this morning. One of those situations where you just kind of look sideways at your computer and go "Really? Do you really want to start with this crap right now?" I made the comment to my cousin and a friend yesterday "Ha! Tomorrow isn't just Easter, it's He Who Shall Not Be Named's Birthday! I'm going to celebrate not having to spend $ on him by going out and buying myself something nice!" I made the comment as a joke, offhand, with no intention of actually doing said buying and with no intention of giving my ex any other kind of thought. Apparently, the technological world had other ideas today. I fired up the good ol laptop earlier this afternoon with the intention of printing some tickets and boarding passes (vacation tomorrow!) and the very first thing on my laptop calendar reminder was "___ Birthday". Thanks for that MacBook. Eyeroll. Delete. I needed to put some videos onto my external hard drive so I fired that up and lo and behold, the first folder I see is from when the ex borrowed my hard drive and uploaded movies to it so his name and his movies popped up. Again, repeated eye rolling and deleting ensued but the irritation continued to hang around for a bit. One of those moments where you just kind of sit and breathe and go "REALLY?! Can't you just GO AWAY?!" Permanently? Forever? And whatever words might be synonyms for Permanently?
The path that I'm on currently does NOT include my ex, thinking about my ex, looking up my ex or any part of his life or the years that we had together. I'd quite like him to stop unexpectedly showing up! The path that I'm on very much includes moving in June as planned, finding an amazing job, and possibly even adding a Nutrition degree to my list of things I want to do. I'm thinking I may want to work with seniors once I move somewhere warmer. We'll see. Like I said, on a mission. I feel like great things are happening and I'm finally in a place where I'm happy and on the right track again.
I truly enjoyed today over all. My mom cooked a great meal and my daughter and I hung out at her house. It's FINALLY starting to get warm outside and so we played in the yard with our dogs and enjoyed the weather. I'm definitely thankful for my family and the chance to be with them as much as possible. My mind and body are healing (I'm back to Krav & lifting at the gym! Yay!) and I couldn't ask for a better group of friends and family that have stood by me in these last 6 months (that long already, I know, time flies!).
Tomorrow is a new day and my munchkin and I are off to paradise for a couple days for Spring Break. More on that when we return though. :)
Here's to the hangups and little snags in life that make us fight even harder to reach our goals. Cheers!
Friday, March 6, 2015
3/6/2015 Losing a Father, Twice
At 31, I've been through A LOT. More than I care to discuss with the public of the internet but if you know me well then you know my background and the things that have come and gone along with it over the years.
To me, in order to define yourself as a dad, you need to be present in your child's life. You need to be present in their memories of birthdays, Christmas, and every other random day of the year that passes by without a thought. Anyone can be a father to a child but it takes somebody that has real courage to stand up and be a dad.
I've had the privilege of having both types of men in my life (and yes, I'm calling it that because it's taught me A LOT about parenting and I wouldn't be who I am without both types of men in my life). As a child, you instinctively love your parents. A child only shies away from their parents if fear is instilled or not enough attention is given or some kind of situation like that is present.
When I was in L.A. this past week my mom called and informed me that my father had passed away (biological). I knew he had been very sick (cancer, emphysema, etc) and I even went to see him in the hospital a couple days after I had shoulder surgery. I decided that I'd go and visit because if he needed closure before he passed away, then I wanted to give it to him so that he could hopefully go in peace. Besides not looking anything like the guy I remember, he was still stubborn and hard headed which completely runs in our family.
In my case, my biological father was an alcoholic and was physically abusive to me and my mom at various moments during my childhood. One of my earliest memories of him is with me being crouched in the narrow hallway just outside of my bedroom in the wee hours of the morning and seeing him toss my mom across the living room during one of their arguments. I was maybe 3? My parents divorced when I was 7 and a year or so later my mom remarried. Over the years I went to visit my dad upon occasion - the last time I had seen him before he got sick was when I was 4 months pregnant with my daughter. My daughter's dad and I went down to visit him to let him know he was going to be a grandfather. I tried keeping in touch by sending cards over the years or going to my grandparents when I knew he would be there but I think there's only so much one person can do when the other party doesn't make an effort. My mom re-married a year or so after the divorce and we moved in with my step-dad which was a totally different world. I've shut a lot of things out about my early childhood but over the past few days, I've come to realize that my father will always be my father. I may not have a lot of "daddy" memories of him but I've pulled a few out of my childhood vault that have made me smile and laugh because when my father was around and was in a good mood, things were as they should be in any family. Happy. He had a great smile, a great laugh, and the bottom line is that I know he loved me, he just didn't know how to show it and couldn't find the courage to sober up enough to help keep our family together. I saw this love when I went to his house the other evening and he had 2 photos of me on his wall: one from my high school graduation that I had sent him, and one from when I was a baby.
So, before I continue, here are the happy memories that I pulled out from a very dusty shelf when going through my father's things in the trailer the other evening:
1) Learning to ride a bike with him. I think this should probably be something that every single child has the honor to keep in their memory bank with one or both of their parents. And every single parent should die knowing that they helped their child to learn to ride a bike.
2) Sitting in my dad's tow-truck with him and feeling like I was on top of the world. I can look at pictures of the truck now and know it wasn't that big but as a kid, it was HUGE and I loved it.
3) Washing the tires of my dad's old cars he was building and had sitting around. It was my job and I took it seriously. I credit the fact that I love cars and everything to do with them to my mom & dad who both raced and loved cars.
I'm sure there are other memories but those pop to the surface first when thinking about things.
I also got to bring some things home thanks to my Uncle & his wife that let me come down and go through everything. The things that I brought home? MY toy cars. It's an honor for me to be able to give them to my daughter to play with. She loves cars and trucks as much as I did when I was a kid and today we built a whole cars land on the living room floor that had a garage, a rescue center, a military base, and a construction site. I also brought back my dad's old belt buckles. He LOVED belt buckles and I can't remember seeing him without one on. There must be 15 different belt buckles but I'll keep them forever and probably pull them out and go through them upon occasion. Marbles. I loved marbles as a kid and forever had them rolling around the living room floor. So now they'll belong to my munchkin too and I can get upset when I step on them or they ruin my vacuum cleaner. And, last but very not least, family photos. Photos of my parents before I was born, photos of my dads cars, photos of me, and photos of us together on occasion.
I have to laugh because now I know where I get my general need to keep anything that might be of value in some form or another. My father kept EVERYTHING. Tomorrow is his funeral and despite not really being able to figure out a lot of emotions I've had over the past week or so, I know that he deserves my presence there and I'm happy that he can finally be at rest.
In 2001, my step-dad committed suicide (I was a junior in high school). Despite being totally blindsided with the news when I got it, I never knew he was unhappy. He was always present, always aware of what I was doing (sometimes to the point of annoyance but I think that's the job of any dad in any teenagers life), and always ready to hear me out if I wanted to talk. After my mom got remarried, we moved to a 344 acre farm a town over from where we lived with my biological father. It was a kids heaven on earth. A mile long driveway, space to run and play, a creek to play in, trails to walk, etc. etc. As a teenager, I hated it. It was 30 minutes from any of my friends and I had to wake up stupidly early to commute to school. I couldn't sneak out because the driveway was a mile long and my friends lived so far they certainly weren't coming to get me in the middle of the night. Alas, I had a boring few years as a teenager because I lived on a farm (side note: I'm completely moving to the country when my daughter is a teenager to keep her out of trouble!). In retrospect, I loved growing up here, I loved having a present step-dad that cared too much, and I miss every single bit of it and would give anything to go back to those moments. My step-dad is the one that I call my "dad" when I talk to friends and family. My memories range from riding on the tractor with him and feeding cows to sitting with him on the back porch and watching thunderstorms to having typical teenager arguments about friends that he thought were bad choices. The moments that he was able to give me growing up are what I list as my "daddy" memories.
As a dear friend pointed out to me the other day, I'm lucky to have both of these men in my life. I'm lucky that I even have the few good memories with my biological father because even those could have been bad and there are people that don't even get those few memories. I'll treasure those forever because I know that without him and without the tough moments, I really wouldn't be who I am today. He's my foundation that I've grown up on. I'll always remember him with his darkened olive skin, jet black hair, huge belt buckles, and cover alls as he worked on his cars outside.
I'm thankful that my step-dad taught me things on the complete other end of the spectrum of life. How to manage money (I'm not very good at it, just take a look at the dozens of shoes in my closet), how to mow grass in straight lines so they evened up with the house (I think he was a bit OCD), and how to appreciate the simplicity of a thunderstorm.
Both of these fathers/dads had their faults but faults in a person are what make them who they are. Faults are what make a person special and what give others the memories (good and bad) that they can cherish forever. If a person was perfect all the time they'd be utterly boring and we wouldn't have anything to remember about them because they would never do or say anything that would engage us.
Here's to you guys, both my father and my dad. I miss you both and will cherish the memories that I've pulled from the dusty shelves.
And, here's to being parents anyway that we can figure out how. Because somewhere along the line, we're going to screw up but as long as we love our kids and spend the random days of the year with them washing tires on cars and watching thunderstorms from the porch, then they'll be okay. Because those are the days they'll remember most. Cheers.
To me, in order to define yourself as a dad, you need to be present in your child's life. You need to be present in their memories of birthdays, Christmas, and every other random day of the year that passes by without a thought. Anyone can be a father to a child but it takes somebody that has real courage to stand up and be a dad.
I've had the privilege of having both types of men in my life (and yes, I'm calling it that because it's taught me A LOT about parenting and I wouldn't be who I am without both types of men in my life). As a child, you instinctively love your parents. A child only shies away from their parents if fear is instilled or not enough attention is given or some kind of situation like that is present.
When I was in L.A. this past week my mom called and informed me that my father had passed away (biological). I knew he had been very sick (cancer, emphysema, etc) and I even went to see him in the hospital a couple days after I had shoulder surgery. I decided that I'd go and visit because if he needed closure before he passed away, then I wanted to give it to him so that he could hopefully go in peace. Besides not looking anything like the guy I remember, he was still stubborn and hard headed which completely runs in our family.
In my case, my biological father was an alcoholic and was physically abusive to me and my mom at various moments during my childhood. One of my earliest memories of him is with me being crouched in the narrow hallway just outside of my bedroom in the wee hours of the morning and seeing him toss my mom across the living room during one of their arguments. I was maybe 3? My parents divorced when I was 7 and a year or so later my mom remarried. Over the years I went to visit my dad upon occasion - the last time I had seen him before he got sick was when I was 4 months pregnant with my daughter. My daughter's dad and I went down to visit him to let him know he was going to be a grandfather. I tried keeping in touch by sending cards over the years or going to my grandparents when I knew he would be there but I think there's only so much one person can do when the other party doesn't make an effort. My mom re-married a year or so after the divorce and we moved in with my step-dad which was a totally different world. I've shut a lot of things out about my early childhood but over the past few days, I've come to realize that my father will always be my father. I may not have a lot of "daddy" memories of him but I've pulled a few out of my childhood vault that have made me smile and laugh because when my father was around and was in a good mood, things were as they should be in any family. Happy. He had a great smile, a great laugh, and the bottom line is that I know he loved me, he just didn't know how to show it and couldn't find the courage to sober up enough to help keep our family together. I saw this love when I went to his house the other evening and he had 2 photos of me on his wall: one from my high school graduation that I had sent him, and one from when I was a baby.
So, before I continue, here are the happy memories that I pulled out from a very dusty shelf when going through my father's things in the trailer the other evening:
1) Learning to ride a bike with him. I think this should probably be something that every single child has the honor to keep in their memory bank with one or both of their parents. And every single parent should die knowing that they helped their child to learn to ride a bike.
2) Sitting in my dad's tow-truck with him and feeling like I was on top of the world. I can look at pictures of the truck now and know it wasn't that big but as a kid, it was HUGE and I loved it.
3) Washing the tires of my dad's old cars he was building and had sitting around. It was my job and I took it seriously. I credit the fact that I love cars and everything to do with them to my mom & dad who both raced and loved cars.
I'm sure there are other memories but those pop to the surface first when thinking about things.
I also got to bring some things home thanks to my Uncle & his wife that let me come down and go through everything. The things that I brought home? MY toy cars. It's an honor for me to be able to give them to my daughter to play with. She loves cars and trucks as much as I did when I was a kid and today we built a whole cars land on the living room floor that had a garage, a rescue center, a military base, and a construction site. I also brought back my dad's old belt buckles. He LOVED belt buckles and I can't remember seeing him without one on. There must be 15 different belt buckles but I'll keep them forever and probably pull them out and go through them upon occasion. Marbles. I loved marbles as a kid and forever had them rolling around the living room floor. So now they'll belong to my munchkin too and I can get upset when I step on them or they ruin my vacuum cleaner. And, last but very not least, family photos. Photos of my parents before I was born, photos of my dads cars, photos of me, and photos of us together on occasion.
I have to laugh because now I know where I get my general need to keep anything that might be of value in some form or another. My father kept EVERYTHING. Tomorrow is his funeral and despite not really being able to figure out a lot of emotions I've had over the past week or so, I know that he deserves my presence there and I'm happy that he can finally be at rest.
In 2001, my step-dad committed suicide (I was a junior in high school). Despite being totally blindsided with the news when I got it, I never knew he was unhappy. He was always present, always aware of what I was doing (sometimes to the point of annoyance but I think that's the job of any dad in any teenagers life), and always ready to hear me out if I wanted to talk. After my mom got remarried, we moved to a 344 acre farm a town over from where we lived with my biological father. It was a kids heaven on earth. A mile long driveway, space to run and play, a creek to play in, trails to walk, etc. etc. As a teenager, I hated it. It was 30 minutes from any of my friends and I had to wake up stupidly early to commute to school. I couldn't sneak out because the driveway was a mile long and my friends lived so far they certainly weren't coming to get me in the middle of the night. Alas, I had a boring few years as a teenager because I lived on a farm (side note: I'm completely moving to the country when my daughter is a teenager to keep her out of trouble!). In retrospect, I loved growing up here, I loved having a present step-dad that cared too much, and I miss every single bit of it and would give anything to go back to those moments. My step-dad is the one that I call my "dad" when I talk to friends and family. My memories range from riding on the tractor with him and feeding cows to sitting with him on the back porch and watching thunderstorms to having typical teenager arguments about friends that he thought were bad choices. The moments that he was able to give me growing up are what I list as my "daddy" memories.
As a dear friend pointed out to me the other day, I'm lucky to have both of these men in my life. I'm lucky that I even have the few good memories with my biological father because even those could have been bad and there are people that don't even get those few memories. I'll treasure those forever because I know that without him and without the tough moments, I really wouldn't be who I am today. He's my foundation that I've grown up on. I'll always remember him with his darkened olive skin, jet black hair, huge belt buckles, and cover alls as he worked on his cars outside.
I'm thankful that my step-dad taught me things on the complete other end of the spectrum of life. How to manage money (I'm not very good at it, just take a look at the dozens of shoes in my closet), how to mow grass in straight lines so they evened up with the house (I think he was a bit OCD), and how to appreciate the simplicity of a thunderstorm.
Both of these fathers/dads had their faults but faults in a person are what make them who they are. Faults are what make a person special and what give others the memories (good and bad) that they can cherish forever. If a person was perfect all the time they'd be utterly boring and we wouldn't have anything to remember about them because they would never do or say anything that would engage us.
Here's to you guys, both my father and my dad. I miss you both and will cherish the memories that I've pulled from the dusty shelves.
And, here's to being parents anyway that we can figure out how. Because somewhere along the line, we're going to screw up but as long as we love our kids and spend the random days of the year with them washing tires on cars and watching thunderstorms from the porch, then they'll be okay. Because those are the days they'll remember most. Cheers.
Saturday, February 21, 2015
2/21/15 - Let me Clear my Head
Boy oh boy, I woke up this morning all out of sorts. I had SO many dreams last night about my ex that when I woke up I really wanted to go downstairs and take it out on my wave master. Alas, my shoulder is healing and I can't use it like that YET.
Ironically, he wasn't actually IN my dreams (in person) but they revolved around him. The entire night was one ongoing dream about him cheating on me with his girlfriend and them being together for a good while before he and I broke up. It had random people in it and random places but every time a new location popped up, there was somebody there asking what happened and when I explained it to them, they were so confused and saying "well that doesn't add up. He was cheating on you as soon as he moved to DC". No kidding. I've had this happen in real life as well...as soon as I tell the person I broke up with my boyfriend in late September, he talked to me through the 3rd week of October saying he missed me and it was so hard not talking to me, and then by the end of October ignored me completely, they ALWAYS respond "That's too soon to just meet somebody and start having a relationship after being with somebody for 2 years, he was seeing her before that".
Anyway, I just wanted to write about the dream thing this morning so I can get it off my mind. I woke up being bothered because in the dream sequence there was a background of my ex traveling around with his new girlfriend here and there. Honestly the thought of this does bother me but not why you'd think. It bothers me because he always claimed he barely had any money. He owes my mom THOUSANDS of dollars and is paying her a measly $200 a month which is going to take him like, 6 years to pay off. So if he and his girlfriend really do do any traveling then he just needs to get his shit together, step up, and pay off my mom first. I think his plan is to hopefully get her paid off when he deploys in September over seas but seriously, that's like 3 years you've owed somebody money. Get your shit together.
So, with all that said, I'm going to get up and go make breakfast on this very cold and very snowy Saturday morning. I was up until 3am (night before was 1am and night before that 5am) so I'm a bit tired and have a headache. Plus, my shoulder really does hurt horribly today. I over used it yesterday because I took it out of the sling since that was annoying me. I had a few errands to do this morning before my Krav seminar this evening but I'm not sure I'm going to get out to do those because of this crazy weather. I REALLY can't wait to get out of VA and go somewhere warmer. It's going to be great to be able to pack up some winter clothes and put them away and forget about them, at least for awhile.
I'm also looking forward to busting out my flip flops for my trip next weekend to Los Angeles!! THAT is be a blast!
Not a whole lot has happened this week to report on. I did get a new car. However, I had no intention of getting a new car! I went to the dealership to see about refinancing my X3 because the payments were SO high and just killing me monthly. It ended up being $300 a month cheaper to lease a new vehicle and on top of that, it's a 4 series which is AMAZING. It's AWD which is great and has a ton of room. I didn't really need the SUV because I have the Jeep.
Alright well, breakfast time it is. I'm pretty hungry. Hopefully its a good day and I can indeed get out of the house for a bit. Snow boots it is. I miss you flip flops!
Here's to a cleared, peaceful mind and a good start to the day. Cheers.
Ironically, he wasn't actually IN my dreams (in person) but they revolved around him. The entire night was one ongoing dream about him cheating on me with his girlfriend and them being together for a good while before he and I broke up. It had random people in it and random places but every time a new location popped up, there was somebody there asking what happened and when I explained it to them, they were so confused and saying "well that doesn't add up. He was cheating on you as soon as he moved to DC". No kidding. I've had this happen in real life as well...as soon as I tell the person I broke up with my boyfriend in late September, he talked to me through the 3rd week of October saying he missed me and it was so hard not talking to me, and then by the end of October ignored me completely, they ALWAYS respond "That's too soon to just meet somebody and start having a relationship after being with somebody for 2 years, he was seeing her before that".
Anyway, I just wanted to write about the dream thing this morning so I can get it off my mind. I woke up being bothered because in the dream sequence there was a background of my ex traveling around with his new girlfriend here and there. Honestly the thought of this does bother me but not why you'd think. It bothers me because he always claimed he barely had any money. He owes my mom THOUSANDS of dollars and is paying her a measly $200 a month which is going to take him like, 6 years to pay off. So if he and his girlfriend really do do any traveling then he just needs to get his shit together, step up, and pay off my mom first. I think his plan is to hopefully get her paid off when he deploys in September over seas but seriously, that's like 3 years you've owed somebody money. Get your shit together.
So, with all that said, I'm going to get up and go make breakfast on this very cold and very snowy Saturday morning. I was up until 3am (night before was 1am and night before that 5am) so I'm a bit tired and have a headache. Plus, my shoulder really does hurt horribly today. I over used it yesterday because I took it out of the sling since that was annoying me. I had a few errands to do this morning before my Krav seminar this evening but I'm not sure I'm going to get out to do those because of this crazy weather. I REALLY can't wait to get out of VA and go somewhere warmer. It's going to be great to be able to pack up some winter clothes and put them away and forget about them, at least for awhile.
I'm also looking forward to busting out my flip flops for my trip next weekend to Los Angeles!! THAT is be a blast!
Not a whole lot has happened this week to report on. I did get a new car. However, I had no intention of getting a new car! I went to the dealership to see about refinancing my X3 because the payments were SO high and just killing me monthly. It ended up being $300 a month cheaper to lease a new vehicle and on top of that, it's a 4 series which is AMAZING. It's AWD which is great and has a ton of room. I didn't really need the SUV because I have the Jeep.
Alright well, breakfast time it is. I'm pretty hungry. Hopefully its a good day and I can indeed get out of the house for a bit. Snow boots it is. I miss you flip flops!
Here's to a cleared, peaceful mind and a good start to the day. Cheers.
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