What a Creeper

Its been what?  Almost 2 years since I've posted here?  Phew.  Time goes so quickly.  i can't even tell you what I wrote the last time that I logged in.

 I can tell you that my recovery from my ex - the depression & suicide, the anxiety - hasn't been around in a very long time.  I can also tell you that my days have been a little bit rocky lately.  I won't indulge you as to why right now but yesterday my house was really quiet for a good majority of the day.  I found myself thinking back to how I felt when I left my ex and I recognized that the pain that I'm feeling currently, gave me the same thoughts that I had then.  I honestly had the thought "i can make the hurt go away just by a little cut".  I stood and looked at myself in the mirror and couldn't believe that after all this time, those thoughts were capable of creeping into my head.

The difference between last time and this time is that I've grown.  I'm stronger.  My heart hurts right now, and it may hurt even more in the upcoming days, but I don't have control over that.  I only have control over how I act and react and I choose to be stronger than I was a couple of years ago.  I cried a lot yesterday.  And this morning.  I recognize that this comes from fear.  I don't have a crystal ball (if anyone does, please let me know, Id like to borrow it) so when my gut tells me that I may not get what I want, or need in this case, I'm automatically frustrated & scared.  People react to these emotions different ways.  I cry to release these emotions.

Over the last couple of years I learned a lot about myself.  I learned that I could love again.  I learned that I'm happy doing crazy things with my hair and that will probably never change (if you remember, my ex despised colored hair.  To that I say "go f*ck yourself cause I'm gonna be me, regardless of what you think).  I learned that I'm stronger than I think I am but some days, I really need someone else to carry the weight, and that's okay.  I also learned how to need someone else and I'm terrible at it.  Let me explain this because a lot of strong, independent people out there are going "psssh.  I don't need anyone except myself.  I can do it alone."  Maybe so.  I've been a single mom for 10 years so you can imagine that I've gotten pretty darn good at taking on daily chores, taking care of people, taking care of the animals that live here, doing "manly" chores, etc.  When I met my current significant other, I found it difficult to give up doing those things and ask for help.  Fast forward almost 2 years into our relationship, it's still difficult to let go of doing everything (bet you didn't see that coming!).  But that doesn't mean that I don't need the help or don't want the help.  It just means that I'm stubborn and need to learn to let go of control more (something else I'm terrible at).  I slowly started letting him change light bulbs and kill bugs so I'm getting there.  :)  Here's a secret:  even if I say I don't need help, and even if I do things myself in exasperation, my heart is still happy that he's asked or told me to stop doing everything.   Every. Single. Time. I also treasure the feeling of having someone to come home to & vent to.  That's something I've gotten good at but I digress because my next few words are getting into that.

  On top of all of these things, I've learned that I like having someone else by my side and as much as I bitched and as much hell as I went through and as many times as I swore off love, somehow I learned that I'm still capable of loving and love was capable of creeping back into my life.  I have so many insecurities from my past relationship.  Just yesterday I asked my cousin if she could pinpoint a reason why it seems like the universe has damned me to love people that either don't love me back, or don't want to stay with me.  This morning I woke up angry at the universe for not giving me what I want and for potentially taking away something that I'm finally happy with.  I still haven't come up with a reason for the struggles I'm dealing with now.  My cousin doesn't have a logical reason for my question although she did encourage me that I'm "strong and independent and sometimes that's a lot for people to handle".  The end of her statement did tell me that I should never change who I am and I appreciate that.  I appreciate those that love me for who I am and those that love my weirdness, my moods, my random thinking.  These people are the ones that I know I can count on.  Every. Single. Time.

I'm done rambling on for now.  I have a lot to do today and some deep breathing & meditation is in order so that I can get through the day in one piece (small goals here, people.  Larger goals will come later).

Until next time.  Here's to not giving into pain, anger, and frustration.  Here's to being able to see that you've come miles than you were before and acknowledging that you still have miles to go but being willing to work on that is a huge achievement.  Cheers.