Thinking back to when you were a kid...why did you love roller coasters? What about them thrilled you? The slow creeping toward the top? Or was it the sudden unexpected plummet to the bottom that took your breath away?
If you're like me, it was a mixture of both. Over all it was just a thrill every time. Even now, I love roller coasters. However, I WANT OFF of the emotional one that I seem to be on. I no longer want to ride and I don't care if it's torn down or burned to the ground. I'll opt for the straight drive right out of the whole f**king theme park if that's what it takes.
As explained to me today, I'm normal. I'm a normal human being who's grieving a loss and this roller coaster of emotions is perfectly normal. **Cue one eyebrowed stare which means, "Really?!"** Up until yesterday my days were GREAT. And yesterday I plummeted. I definitely haven't been able to get rid of the anger that has accompanied the mess of thoughts that I've had about my dear old ex and his new sidekick. I'm really just tired of the same thoughts that I can't get to go away no matter how busy I stay or how much I tell myself it's not beneficial to be even thinking about these things. I'm angry at the fact that he took her to meet his brother and his family at Christmas and probably home to CA for New Year's and I'm angry that he didn't have balls enough break off our relationship when he knew he didn't love me. I'm angry that his brother probably had nothing to say at the fact that my ex moved on so fast (wtf?!). I'm angry that he didn't care enough to answer my calls for help and I'm furious that he moved on so fast. I'm even more angry that his girlfriend is buying into his crap and his SELFISHNESS. Even more than all of that mess, I'm angry that I can't forget him like he's forgotten me. I'm also angry that I spent so much $ on him. About 95% of me wants to call or text him and tell him to mail the watches that I bought him back because Lord knows with all 3 or 4 I'd be able to pay off my credit card and then some. He also probably told his ex he bought them himself which is crap. But hey, I couldn't even get him to mail back my Tupperware containers that I used on a regular basis so I know the watches (eh hem...time pieces) won't happen.
So all in all, I need stress relief. I start acupuncture tomorrow a couple times a week and I'm killing my workouts at the gym. I need clarity so meditating is the choice for that. I need to do it more than I do because it works. My choice of social media lately has been Instagram for the sheer fact that I don't have to post anything but photos which is what I like to do anyway. I don't have to worry about wanting to look up anybody or deal with drama.
I JUST want to get off this ride. It's been a hell of a ride and I'm tired of it. I don't want a new ride, I just want to be back at home where I know for sure that I won't be plummeting unexpectedly into a valley of unwanted emotions.
I'm off to do some much needed relaxation and hope I get a restful nights sleep!!
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