I've been stuck on this subject all day. Brainstorming about how things we experience, and how we react to them, affect ourselves and those around us.
Everything we do in life requires us to make decisions. We either choose what we're taught as the "right" thing or we choose the "wrong" thing. The decisions may not even be really conscious ones. Even doing something that we do as a daily routine like getting dressed, brushing our teeth, or just simply getting out of bed and getting the day started is a decision on a small scale. If we choose not to do these things, the rest of our day can be affected in some way and even these small things have an effect on others that we will encounter during the day (if you don't believe me try not brushing your teeth for a few days and have conversations with someone).
So, how do our actions in a relationship affect the ones closest to us? My first thought, is to hit on the well known cliché that "actions speak louder than words". As a kid and a teenager, I never really felt like my actions affected those around me and I acted without considering that the things I said might not add up to my behavior. This is Typical behavior for children and teenagers because they usually live in their own worlds. As you get older and experience the world beyond the town that you've grown up in and get to come across people that you haven't known forever, you realize that the world doesn't revolve around you. In fact, you're only a minute fraction of the tiniest speck on an enormous map that is ever growing with people. There are just over 7 BILLION people in this entire world so the general thought is that you're so small, your actions don't have enough of an effect to really matter. So why think about them? Why think before you act and speak? Why not just do what you really want to or say the first thing that comes to your mind?
Let me break off for a second and give you an example of how something as small as a "normal" school day can be affected by the tiniest of actions. I feel that this can sort of give a sense of how much small actions can affect others. As a single mom, my world is ruled by my 8 year old daughter & my two dogs. It's ruled by a daily routine that is rarely flexible as far as being on the clock concerns. My alarm goes off at 5:45am every morning during the week. I wake up, meditate for a few minutes and then I check my email, check my daily horoscope, and sometimes check Facebook & Instagram. By 6:15am I'm in the shower and by 6:30am I'm out of the shower putting my hair up or straightening it or whatever I'm going to do to it that day and then I quickly throw on some foundation and a few other makeup items (not a big make up wearer unless I'm going somewhere special). By 6:45-6:50am I'm in my daughters room down the hall making sure she's out of bed because she likes to turn her alarm clock off in the morning for "just 5 more minutes". I run back and get dressed while she showers and then gets dressed, and by 7:15am we are downstairs cooking and eating breakfast, packing a snack for school, making sure last minute papers are in the backpack, filling water bottles, taking the dogs outside and feeding them. We're out the door by 7:35-7:40am. I drop my daughter off by 8:15am, hit the gym, run errands, go to appointments, etc. etc. etc. If ANY of this changes and we leave any later than 7:40am we're late to school because traffic backs up after that time. If my daughter decides she wants that "5 more minutes" or if my hair takes longer than it should or if I'm on Facebook longer than I've allotted, we're behind that traffic and late to school. If Natalie's late, it affects her attendance record which sometimes happens. That doesn't seem like a huge affect but on the other side of things, if I'm late getting her to school, I'm late to my training sessions at the gym. That pushes my trainer's schedule back and makes her late with her other clients and then both of our appointments we've got for the rest of the day are off kilter. Sometimes people don't like to push things back that 10 minutes so I have to reschedule this or that meeting. My days fill up FAST so you know what? Lets just be on time and make everyone's life a little bit less chaotic.
After school doesn't get much better when we go to karate, come home, have dinner, and by 7:00pm I tell my daughter to start getting ready for bed. This is a process, ALWAYS. There's bath or shower, 15 minutes of reading alone, 1 or 2 books read together, snuggle time and then by about 8:30 or 9:00pm she's out until I go get her the next morning. Usually that time is pushed a bit because she likes to play in the tub and then spend time with the dogs or whatever. I'm exhausted when bedtime rolls around but after that I STILL have stuff to do and usually don't get to bed before 11:30pm. If she gets to bed later than 9, she's exhausted and we start the whole late process over again because she doesn't want to get up. My point is that EVERYTHING has a ripple effect. You might be one tiny person compared to 7 billion but your actions can effect your family, friends, coworkers, etc. on a daily basis and more so, can effect yourself and your attitude and how you treat people.
So, how do my actions in and out of a relationship affect my daughter? I'm smart enough to know that if I'm not happy, my daughter isn't going to be either. If I'm in a bad mood, it affects the way I act toward her. Common sense. When you're in a relationship or married, if there are negative feelings, they unload on the kids because truly, "shit rolls down hill". I've always hated the saying "Happy wife, happy life". I think it's completely untrue and unfair and for sure needs to be changed to something like "happy spouse, happy house". Men can be just as moody as women and their attitude has the same affect on their family that the female's does.
When you're happy in a relationship things are generally good with attitude and actions. So I won't really touch on that. When you're in a relationship and things aren't so hot, even the smallest of actions can be detrimental. I asked a friend of mine his thoughts on this subject. I'm always eager to hear the point of the opposite sex because, just like females, you tend to get mixed opinions and thoughts pending on A) How they've been treated by the opposite sex, B) How they've grown emotionally from being hurt, and C) How they generally view the opposite sex and treat them. The general consensus from my friend was that actions of one person in a relationship can fully make the other person pull away. Granted, ALL relationships have issues and all arguing takes two people. You can either make it or break it with one argument, one action, and the things said. If you're having an argument with your other half and one person refuses to communicate and just walks away or refuses to tell you how they're actually feeling and won't address a problem, that's most likely to really piss the other person off when they're trying to fix things or figure out what's wrong and they can throw their hands in the air while tossing in the towel. People can't read minds so speak up and make yourself heard. If you an argue with someone and tell them why THEY'RE wrong (or why you think they're wrong anyway) then you can damn well communicate to them when you're feeling something. My guess is this stems from fear of criticism by the other party but I'll digress because this is not a therapy session and I'm not getting paid as if it is.
So, if I'm in a relationship with someone and it ends, how does THAT affect those around me? After all, they weren't in the relationship so theoretically, they wouldn't have anything to do with it. Very wrong assumption because I can easily tell you that ending a relationship causes grief and grief changes our attitude and outlook toward everyone and everything.
When my ex and I broke up and I went through all the crap that is thankfully coming to an end, I had a total change of attitude. I was unmotivated, lethargic, and just generally BLAH for lack of a better word. I'm usually a happy person and I'm optimistic (sometimes to the point of fault because if I truly think something can be done, I'll come up with 100 ways to try it even if it really isn't possible and I'll come up with some solution that's not logical at all). I like being that person that's ridiculously positive because that plays on self-confidence. The more positive I am, the better I feel. If you tell yourself it's going to be a crappy day, it's probably going to be a crappy day. By now, we all know that I'm not ALWAYS that person but that's life for everyone. If there weren't any downs then there wouldn't be any ups and we would wonder why life was so boring.
Let me just say this: With a BLAH attitude, your kids KNOW. You can fake smile and make your voice an octave higher when you talk to them but THEY KNOW. It's a little creepy how my daughter just gets what I'm feeling sometimes by looking at me. She knows the perfect moment to hug me and say something that's wise beyond her years that just softens my heart. Being happy and healthy is ideal because my attitude effects her. It's not always possible and my worry, is that she also is only 8 and doesn't need to be stressing about my relationship drama. That would be my reason for faking happiness around her. She needs to know that mommy is okay and can do her job without breaking down. The thing about being a parent (and especially a single parent) is that there are no breaks. You can't just decide that you're not feeling well and want a break because you & your partner had a fight and you need time to regroup. When you're physically sick? No breaks. Do it anyway and try not to infect your kid. This, in theory, applies to emotions too. You don't want your kid to see you not at your best. You want them to know you're strong and can handle anything for them. THAT is my initial thought. But when I actually sit and think about MY life and how I grew up, I want my daughter to know that I have weaknesses. If you're fighting with your spouse, you want to know that they FEEL and they're human right? You don't want to be with somebody that's always a solid wall. It's no different with kids. They need to see that their parents FEEL and aren't perfect. I wouldn't want a perfect parent for the sheer fact that when I think back and remember when I screwed up, the times I remember most are when my mom sat with me and was able to relate because she told me about mistakes she made. It made me understand that everyone screws up and it's part of growing up. If your parent is consistently non-communicative and never shows emotion, that has a huge effect on how you will grow up and treat your kids. Thankfully many people break away from that example and are able to recognize that it's not healthy.
Kids are going to play off of your actions and emotions. So if my actions and emotions after a relationship ends are negative, my daughter's will be too. And really, you can't be upset at that because kids learn by example. I think the test here is to know that you have to talk to your kids. It's okay to be upset or angry, but if you take that out of them, they're going to act the same. When I'm in a bad mood and get frustrated, my daughter gets frustrated which just frustrates me more. If I sit and tell my daughter what I'm feeling and roughly try to express why I'm feeling it, she understands and either tries to cheer me up or knows to give me a short time by myself. If I think about my current behavior and emotions and take the time to realize that I need to act logically and realize that my daughter has absolutely nothing to do with how I'm feeling, then I'll realize that by toning down my behavior I will in turn effect how she acts toward me.
When kids are in the picture, it's hard to realize that they get it. They play off of us and they learn from how we act and how we treat them. Kids are people too! They're tiny people but they're people nonetheless. Any time I'm in a bad mood and find myself taking it out on my daughter, or if I find myself getting frustrated and raising my voice with her or speaking to her in an unacceptable tone, I try to remind myself that I'd never get away with that behavior with an adult. If that's the case, then why would I treat my daughter that way? Thankfully, my daughter gives it right back to me if I get frustrated with her. She will yell and get an attitude with me if I do the same to her. It usually reminds me that you can only expect to get out how much you put in to any relationship. I shouldn't expect her (or anyone) to have a good attitude and good actions if I don't do the same for them.
Here's the most important part of ALL of that rambling. If you concentrate on yourself, you'll be happy and be able to have a better relationship with people around you and you'll be able to concentrate on your kids the way they deserve to be concentrated on while being able to teach them about all the crazy emotions they'll experience in life without scaring them away. I don't mean go out and be self-absorbed but if you do what you need to do to be healthy and happy (be it getting your nails done or getting a massage or even going to therapy) then that is going to cause your actions and attitude to be positive. Positive actions beget positive reactions and a positive attitude begets the same. It's a cycle just like anything else in life. Do what makes you happy, find your passion, and find the things that are important to you. Thrive on them and BE happy. I'm finding that a positive outlook on life and learning from negative experiences are the only ways to be at peace.
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