Ever have one of those days where it seems you can't escape the past? I woke up knowing today was going to be a bit tough. Not to say I haven't gotten through the day or that I've cried or anything because I haven't. But the has been a bit more focused on the past than it should have. My ex was the first thing on my mind this morning. "They" (whoever they are) say that the first person on your mind when you wake up is either the cause of your happiness or the cause of your pain. I think today I'm sitting somewhere in between those two because I'm not happy with my ex (obviously) but I'm not in pain anymore either. But he's definitely the cause of my thoughts today.
I can't remember what I was thinking about when I woke up but I do know that before we left the house I wondered if he ever thinks of me when he woke up too. In the car, our song "Just A Fool" (Christina Aguilera & Blake Shelton) started on iTunes Radio and I HAD to change it. Just had to. We both loved that song & used to sing it as a duet together whenever it came on. One of the best moments with that was driving to NYC for the SuperBowl last year & just BLARING it with both of us singing at the top of our lungs but with so much heart & emotion. He had a gorgeous voice and I LOVED hearing him sing. I really hope to be able to listen to that song again because I love Christina and that's one of my favorites that she does. After that, "Stay" by Rhianna came on and my response was "REALLY?! Cmon iTunes, you're killin' me..."
Errands, etc. etc....Cue thoughts about New Years. Last year we spent New Year's in California at a hotel and attended a Great Gatsby themed party. SO much fun dressing up. Naturally I wondered what he's going to do this year.
Also thought about Valentine's Day...definitely not much on the "holiday" but the day after would have been our official 2 year mark. Hopefully this year that day will pass and I won't actually give it a second thought or if I do, it won't matter all that much. We'll see.
Today I miss the good times we had. That's what I've been focused on and I don't think that's a negative thing, but right now I don't really want to be focused on anything having to even do with my ex. I just want to have that fresh start & clean slate.
Fortunately, my other focus now is staying busy throughout the day and I've been seeing lots of friends lately for lunches and stuff like that. Today my morning was thoroughly brightened by visiting my hair girl. She had to fix a bit of my hair but her smile always brightens my day. :)
I'm looking forward to Krav tomorrow morning and hopefully getting the house cleaned up and Christmas presents wrapped. It seems like every year things get to be pushed more and more to the last minute! Time is flying for sure.
I came across tho wonderful letter last night and it was very touching. It's a letter from Anais Nin to Clementine von Radics and is encouraging and hopeful. Here's to good memories that make you sigh with nothing but happiness when they're thought of and a bright future enveloped by loads of emotional growth and good energy. Cheers.
"For women who are tied to the moon, love alone is not enough. We insist each day wrap it's knuckles through our heart strings and pull. The lows. The joy. The poetry. We dance at the edge of a cliff, you have fallen off. So it goes. You will climb back up again.
You rare girl, once again, you have a body that belongs to no lover, to no father, belongs to no one but you. Wear your sorrow like the lines on your palm. Like a shawl to keep you warm at night. Don't mourn the love that is lost to you now. It is a book of poems whose meters worked their way into your pulse. Even if it has slipped from your hands, it will stay in your body.
...You have your heart all to yourself again. A heart like a stone cottage. Heart like a lover's diary. Hope like an ocean."
No comments:
Post a Comment