It's been a day for thoughts. My ex used to tell me "don't think so much..." when I'd contemplate and pick apart things and over analyze things. I think he had other reasons for telling me that but today, it was a day filled with thoughts of him. I woke up feeling "off" today. I was tired from not going to bed at a decent hour (reading sucked me in) and I didn't want to get up because of it. Thankfully I had training this morning and I honestly could have spent more than an hour with the weights. It was a good workout but I was definitely in a zone this morning and needed that burn.
I spoke with 3 different people today. We all had conversations about me, how I was doing, how I was feeling. Ironically, all 3 said the EXACT same thing. "He wasn't right for you. I didn't like him when I met him. Something was off. I don't know what it was but you guys didn't fit right together". That certainly isn't the first time I'd heard that and it didn't hurt my feelings or upset me. It just got me thinking about the fact that I KNOW things weren't right and I stayed longer than I should have because I was hoping things would change. These facts aren't new to me. I'm quite certain that they're right as well and I'm not arguing against them. So my second question from my cousin this evening was "So why are you holding on?" I didn't answer right away. I had to think because my first thought was "I'm not". That's only 1/2 true. I'm not holding on to him. I want to be done. I don't want to feel anything for him. And when I look at his picture and think about what we used to be, I don't feel that tug on my heart that causes pain. What I feel is jealousy. This is kind of a revelation for me and I don't like it. I don't want to think about him and in turn think about him being with someone else and I don't want to think that he's sitting around probably laughing with her and making memories on weekends or going out to dinner with her and forgetting about me.
So what's my solution? Moving on myself seems like a viable solution and the best revenge at that and I'm trying. Really, I am. But moments like now, and days like today, I feel like I'm taking 2 steps forward and 1 step back. I'm not a patient person by any means so a slow process like healing is driving me crazy (ha...I've got jokes...crazy....get it?). I'd very much like the universe to just make me wake up and be able to forget about all of this and just go about my daily life. That would be GREAT. I'm not really sure what my solution until then will be.
For now, I'll wrap this up so I can get off the internet and finish out the evening.
Things that made me happy today:
1) A good workout
2) Seeing two friends I always like to visit with
Upsetting things today:
1) A full day of thoughts that weighed me down all day
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