So...I skipped a day. Wait, that sounds familiar. :) I started off writing because it was a way for me to get out all of my thoughts in one place without calling or texting or emailing my ex impulsively. And an even better way to put down my thoughts so I could lose the urge to strangle him. Some of that's still there but I'll get to that in a minute. When I first started writing, I said I was going to write everyday. I'm not sure that I need to do that because if I start cataloging every detail of my day, things are going to get really boring, really quickly. So I'll just write when I need to.
Yesterday was a good day but the evening was incredibly frustrating in dealing with having to be the mean mommy. I even got a "Ugh! This is the worst night of my life!" out of my daughter. I guess I'm doing something right, huh? After coming home from a later karate practice, I had to repeat the same requests over and over and over again before my daughter would do what she was supposed to. Having to repeat myself drives me nuts so I got extremely frustrated. Being frustrated = strict tone of voice and strict tone of voice = not happy daughter. In the end, my daughter ended up putting herself to bed with no story time & no snuggle time with the understanding that she wasn't going to waste my time just because she didn't want to do what she was supposed to. I envy grandparents because they get to spoil their grandkids and send them home.
Anyway, I had my weekly head doctor appointment today and that went well. I didn't really have much to report which was kind of odd since things had been so up and down. I was trying to explain that things have just been leveled out lately and I used the term "flatlined". Things have been "flatlined and boring". In a sense I guess that's true but what I meant was NO DRAMA. NO MAJOR CRISIS EVERYDAY. NO ROLLER COASTER EMOTIONS.
I'm really proud that I've gotten to this point but I'm just waiting for my emotions to change which is to be expected I guess. I'm hesitant to talk about how good I've felt because I'm afraid it's going to suddenly change. I wake up every morning and lay in bed looking around for a minute trying to figure out what I feel in that instant. The only thing that I can really say is still sticking around is small moments of jealousy and a little bit of anger to go with it. My head doc asked me what I'm angry about and I didn't answer right away. I had to give it some thought. Despite being the one to break up with my ex, I'm angry that he didn't tell me how he was feeling and that he let things go so far with us when he knew he wasn't in love with me. I'm angry that he didn't care enough to answer my calls or texts because he was always saying that he cared about me and respected me. MMMHMMM. I'm calling BS on that one. But, I suppose that too shall pass in full eventually and it's not as bad as it was.
I'm just entirely thankful that I've been able to wake up and be productive these past couple weeks. I really hope that it continues but we will see. The rest of my day today is to be spent studying as I've already run about as many errands as I can. It's off to karate later and then an early bedtime because I'm really tired. My lovely dogs were up and down most of the night for some reason or other so not much sleep was to be had. As I type this, they are both napping. Go figure. :)
Here's to a great rest of the week. Cheers.
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