So, mostly I want to write that my afternoon has been bearable. My training session was really good today (it usually is but sometimes I'm just flat exhausted afterwards) and I ended it with a 2 mile run. My run was much faster today - probably from the stress I had built up from earlier in the day. Hey, let's do it. If the stress is there, let it benefit my runs and workouts. My mile time dropped to low 11's today and it's usually in the low to mid 12's.
Anyhow, this afternoon was also my therapy session which I've been calling my "head doctor" appointment. It adds a little humor for me and beats saying Im seeing a shrink. I was calm until I walked into the office and then just kind of got nervous about the fact that is have to talk about everything but honestly, I was pleased. She's incredibly nice and perceptive and not forceful which I like. My first thought when I pulled into where her office is located was "oh universe, you really have a not so appealing sense of humor. WHY?!" The office is in the same set of buildings as my ex's "head doctor" is located. Fabulous. Cue major eye rolling. But, it is what it is and it's not about him, it's about me. I mean, it mostly was about him but you know...
So the question of the day... "So would you go back with him?" Fair question. The answer seems obvious. MY answer? "I don't know". What?! After all this?! << That's my inner dialogue getting ready to kick my butt. Yeah, truly. I don't know. And I don't know because the good still outweighs the bad and when things were good, they were SO GOOD. Happy, exciting, etc etc. Alas, it's probably a good thing that's not an option because I don't think my physical self or my heart could take the bad stuff.
My personal conclusion of the day? I'm not actually crazy! My ex was just selfish and didn't have enough of a gut to stand up and tell me he didn't love me so he led me and my daughter on for almost 2 years. Note to anyone dating anyone else: don't tell the person you're with that you can see them in your future ans tell them you're working toward a future if you don't actually see and feel that. Be bold enough to stand up and save them the pain that can cut quite literally like a knife. Be sure you're fully over your ex wife or ex husband or ex in general before dating ANYONE (a feat that apparently takes more than a couple of years for some people). Don't be selfish and lead people on because being with someone helps you to feel like you have a "rock" to lean on when you need it most in your life. A relationship is about being equal and helping each other equally. One person should never put in more effort than the other just because the other is busy or preoccupied with their everyday problems or things in their schedule.
I could go on for days. Alas, I have a relaxing evening that I would like to get to. I felt better walking out of that office than I have in a very long time. I felt like someone finally LISTENED and finally heard me (not that my friends haven't, but it's a bit different). Listening without frustration being directed at me is all I wanted in the very first place. Maybe things would have been different if I hadn't been ignored for weeks prior to all this by HIM? Meh...I'll save that for another day and time because I honestly don't want to delve into it now and I honestly don't think he cared enough about how all of this made me felt to pick up the phone. Such is life. I'll gladly take a relaxing evening over stress. Cheers.
Things that made me happy today:
1) my daughter wrote me an incredibly sweet note in the journal we share
2) my puppies were overly ecstatic to see me come home today for whatever reason
3) I got a couple packages in the mail I was expecting
4) I got a load of compliments on my new gym shirt today that reads: Single, Taken, At the gym and don't have time for your shit (with a check mark next to that one)
5) a really good training session & run
6) food! I actually ate a full meal for dinner today. My appetite has been crummy lately
Hard things today:
1) getting out of bed
2) talking to my physical therapist about how things are going with me
3) trying to sort out and verbalize my thoughts in therapy today
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