Ohhh where to begin with this. I cried (briefly) for us today. I was hit with the painfully honest truth that pretty much our entire relationship was me believing things would change and you holding me at arms length and not letting me in. I honestly believe that we could have been something great. We could have that future we talked about so many times that both of us wanted. We both had the same goals - a family. A daughter. A house. We had SO many conversations and the week that we met up after I left, you said "I thought we were trying to build a future together!" How can you be literally sick over me leaving and say something like that and then...nothing. How can you email me and say "I thought you were my rock. I guess I'm going to have to start over...again...and figure this out on my own" after you told me you weren't in love with me? Put yourself in my shoes...
What would you have done if I never introduced you to my family?
What would you have done if I never invited you home for anything?
What would your conclusion be if I never posted ANYTHING about us or where we traveled to or things we did to my friends?
How would you have reacted if I was the one who talked to some random girl from a Craigslist personals ad?
How would you have reacted if you found intimate Facebook messages from me to my "friends" and heard voicemails from my moms nurse on my phone talking bout how they were so excited to see me and "thanks for calling 5 times today to check on me"?
What conclusions was I supposed to make after months of barely any PDA and intimacy and rarely any "I miss you's" or asking about how MY day was?
And yet...when we were together and went out and did something fun, things were SO GOOD.
Why is that? Why the mixed messages? I had so many people tell me to watch for the red flags - pay attention to the red flags, that you were holding me at arms length and not letting me in. And I knew it was the truth. But the truth hurts so I continued to aggressively push everything back that I should have paid attention to. Everything that would have saved me all this mess I'm going through now, I pushed away.
Truthfully, I have NEVER loved anyone as much as I love you. That hasn't changed. I can be enraged and frustrated and upset...but I still love you. I know eventually that will fade. Eventually I'll move on with my life and find someone that loves me for everything that I am and everything that I'm not. They'll accept me and all of my 'crazy' flaws. Maybe the 'friend' that you're with now is your someone special that makes your heart beat and gives you excited butterflies like you did for me. I don't know what my thoughts are on that. But I'm going to try not to think about it too much. My goal is to make the constant noise in my head stop. This is the noise that is ALWAYS, no matter what I'm doing, reminding me of you or wondering what you're doing, or what you're thinking about. I can be insanely busy and focused on something else but there's still that little part in the back of my brain that is always thinking about you. Once that goes away, I know I'll be able to move on easily. I'm ready for that.
I suppose that life is what you make it so I'm trying to make a new normal. A new normal life that makes both me and my daughter happy to wake up everyday (she doesn't have that problem) and happy to be alive. One day at a time I suppose. Last week wasn't that bad and so far, I'm hoping this week will be the same. Here's to finding the life that we always wanted together but, separate. Cheers.
Happy things today:
1) Catching up on a few shows
2) relaxing & trying to get rid of this cold once & for all
3) The gorgeous weather
4) Making potential plans for travel w/my cousin in February
5) A positive 'head doctor' second appointment - lots of realizations but sometimes the truth is what we need to hear even if it hurts
Irritating stuff today:
1) This stupid cold! I lost my voice pretty much completely and have been barely understandable all day
2) Crowds at the grocery store
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