I don't really know where to start today. I do know this will be fairly short since I have to leave for class in a few minutes and I don't intend on getting back online when I get home. I have a few relaxation/meditation/clarity things I want to try and technology isn't on the list.
As for today...it's almost been a week since all of this happened. But it HAS been a full week since I really started suspecting the ex had met someone, found her photo, etc. Around this time last week I was truly panicking. This is why he's ignoring me?! What do I do?! My heart raced for hours and that was really proven true because we had a physical test in class that evening and my heart rate was close to 80bpm. It's usually down by 70. So after class I came home, had given up on hearing anything regarding my texts, emails, google chat message, etc. I had sent that day, watched some tv, read, and went to bed. I'll follow up on what happened last Thursday, tomorrow.
As for today, honestly, it's been a very busy day but there hasn't been BAD in it. There's been a little sad, and a little unfocused, but not BAD. I slept REALLY well last night for the first time in SO SO long. I mean truly rested. I woke up and just kind of laid in bed for a minute to get my bearings, checked my horoscope, email...and decided that I was going to have a good day. I was going to keep as busy as I could and just try and focus on ME as much as I could. For anyone who doesn't know, I historically bend over backwards, change my schedule, wait around, etc. to do things for people. That's not a negative trait I don't think but I don't really ever spend time specifically on ME. It's a very strange feeling. So today, I took my daughter to school and hit the gym. And I mean really just hit the gym hard. I ran 3.3 miles in record time (or at least record time for me). Went to the grocery store, came home to unload that stuff, and met my mom for lunch (sushi!). And then, I went to an AquaFloat appointment. For anyone who doesn't know what that is...look it up and go do it. NOW. It's incredible. And relaxing. And mind clearing. Last time I went, it took about 15 minutes for my mind just to stop moving. Today it took about 10. The session is a full 60 minutes with 30 minutes of extra time for showering, tea afterwards, etc. About 40 minutes into it, my brain decided to click back on and I really had to actively work to re-relax myself. I didn't fully get back into a meditative state unfortunately but afterwards the hot shower and green tea helped to settle me. For some reason when I walked out of the building, I got that empty chest, sad feeling in my chest that's been so prominent these last few months. I can't pinpoint a trigger for it but I did sit quietly for a few minutes in my car, took a couple calming tablets, and I've been okay since. Here I am at 5:30pm, getting ready for class.
Now, let me just clarify, my ex has been on my mind ALL DAY. Seriously. Through all of the busyness, he's ALWAYS there. I'm not really certain how to make that go away but I have an inkling that it will fade within time. I'm always wondering what he's doing or if he thinks of me and how that makes him feel. I really suppose that I'll never know because the way he ignored me like a child would proves that I'll never get an apology and I'll never know WHY he chose the silent treatment over even something like "go away" or "screw you". Either of those would have been better than the ignoring. But, a week later, here I am and I'm still alive.
My friend sent me a quote this morning via email that really hit home. It said "Cry as hard as you want. But make sure that when you stop crying, you never cry for the same reason again". TRUTH in its finest. Don't make the same mistakes. Learn from them. THAT is something I'm looking forward to touching on next week with my head doctor because historically, I do the same thing over and over in a relationship and I'd like to break that cycle.
Another quote that I love: "Until you heal the wounds of your past, you are going to bleed. You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex; But eventually, it will all ooze through and stain your life. You must find the strength to open the wounds, stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in your past, the memories, and make peace with them". (Iyania Vanzant)
I think that one is pretty self explanatory.
On that note, I leave you with one that made me laugh, that I posted on my Facebook before I deactivated it, and that I remember frequently because it makes me smile:
"I'll see your silent treatment and raise you a fuck off."
CHEERS. <3
Things that made me happy today:
1) My daughter smothering me in kisses before she left for school and telling me I was the best mommy ever
2) Talking with my cousin via text and learning that she was in a similar situation and hearing her suggestions for resources that can potentially be of help
3) Sushi!
4) AquaFloat!
Things that made me upset today:
1) NOTHING. Can someone please just print this out and frame it please?!?!?! I got a little sad leaving the aqua float but there were NO TEARS. Epic. Just epic. <3
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