Getting back and getting settled proved more difficult for me. I guess around 830pm my brain went into full overdrive and I tried to clear my head by walking around, puttering, finding stuff to do in the room but with little success and ended up just bursting into tears while a friend held me and let me cry. Seriously, I'm not sure where I'd be right now without the daily help of these people. Just holding me and letting me have my moment helped immensely and my brain finally quieted while my body stopped shaking with anxiety. Unfortunately I ended up with a heck of a headache from tension and all the dust I breathed in at the Color Run so falling asleep was MUCH needed and helped a lot. I slept solidly until around 3:30am when I woke up and had another 'moment'. Dreams of the ex's new "friend" texting me and asking "What the hell did you do?! He's not talking to me anymore!" caused that one so about an hour later I finally fell back to sleep. Thankfully I rested well until about 8am when my friend made me get up. I probably would have laid in bed all day. Seriously, getting up and moving in the morning is one of the most difficult things I've dealt with lately. I have no motivation to face the world and would rather just lay and stare at the ceiling. It's ridiculous. I've never been a morning person anyway but this on top of it just takes the cake. Again, so thankful for the people that text me in the mornings lately and tell me to get up because it's a new day. I NEED that right now.
The day in general hasn't been horrible. Only once today did (other than when I woke up) did I really have to do some deep breathing. A really good friend from Australia emailed me and asked how I was doing and said she missed me on Facebook (I deactivated my account over a week ago because I don't trust myself with it yet). I love her so much and her family too and at the same time it made me so happy to hear from her and know she was thinking of me, it made me sad to know that I couldn't just say "I'm great!". But I also know she doesn't mind my droning on about everything so I went to it.
That's really it. My daughter and I stopped at one of my favorite outlet malls today and that was a good distraction although again, my brain seems to think it's okay to consistently have HIM in the back lobe somewhere every little second. What's he doing, has he been here lately because it was one of our places to go hang out, I bet he'd like that shirt, has he hung out with her this weekend, I wonder if he texts her good morning like he used to do with me....and on and on and on. That's a consistent thing for me...no matter what I'm doing, the thoughts are there ALL the time - they're just sometimes quieter than other times.
Anyhow, it'll be sleep time soon. I'm greatly looking forward to relaxing for awhile, maybe catching up on some shows. Here's to the rest of the evening hopefully going smoothly and continuing without a hitch. Cheers.
Thought for the day: If someone is trained to think that "perception is reality" then how can they not apply that to the things that they do in the life? If you consistently say for years that they're never on various forms of social media and then they suddenly have a social media account with one person on it, how does is that perceived? It's automatically seen as odd because that person must be really important in some form or fashion. Perhaps it should be considered how something is going to be perceived by others before performing an action. Especially when that's what you preach in just about every other aspect of your life.
Things that made me happy today:
1) Having someone to kick my butt into gear this morning and say "You ARE okay. You're alive, and safe, and breathing".
2) Music. For the first time in awhile I was able to listen to certain songs in the car and just kind of get through them without any kind of crazy emotion. It's been awhile since I've sung to the steering wheel :)
3) Taking photos in a photo booth with my daughter. They came out really cute and she was very excited to have something to put in the journal that we share with each other.
4) Rita's Gelato at the mall today. One of my favorite things! This made up for the fact that they took out the Cinnabon.
Things that upset me today:
1) Waking up with an empty chest feeling. The hole in the heart feeling is just stupidly painful to deal with in general but when you wake up like that you really have to fight A LOT to get through it so you can dive into the day.
2) The email from my friend in Australia. Not upset me in a bad way because I was happy to hear from her. Just upset me because I don't like thinking about what's happened...
Link to my favorite song (the video for it) at the moment:
People Like Us
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