Ugh. Have you ever not had a word for how you feel and "ugh" is the only thing you can come up with that seems to work? Yeah. THAT.
I swear at times my brain is going to be the death of me. I've been told countless time that I think too much. I read too much into things. I worry too much. See, here's the thing. I think in any relationship, you tend to project the future. Or certain parts of it. When I got together with my ex, I'd ask him if we were "dating" or if we were "a couple". He NEVER wanted to "put a title on it". I know now that in the beginning, it was because he was seeing someone else & didn't want to specifically have to let her go because he had a "girlfriend". However, when you're IN a DEFINED relationship I don't think all projection is bad. I think you need to project some and not just "have fun". If you don't, one day you find yourself having dated someone for years and you have no idea what you're doing with that person. There's no end goal. If you're dating someone exclusively, what's the goal? If you don't intend on marrying them, why are you dating them? To quote that Taylor Swift song, "So it's gonna be forever, Or it's gonna go down in flames". SO TRUE.
Anyway, my point, is that projection can be either positive or negative. When you're trying to move on with your life, trying to forget about someone, and trying not to think about them constantly, projection probably isn't the best. And as a friend put it over the weekend, "Stay with me. Stay in the here and now, don't go to the past". So living in the past and memories isn't ideal. And thinking about the future isn't ideal either. Tonight, after getting through the day, I projected and I broke down. I started thinking about the upcoming holidays and how much I really am dreading them. Holidays are important to me. They're a time to be with family, to be happy. Thanksgiving is just around the corner and I DO NOT want it to be here. We usually go to my mom's for Thanksgiving. She cooks, I bring a couple dishes...and in the past couple years my ex has been with us. This year, she has a new boyfriend who's coming and she invited someone she knows that can't make it home to their family. All well and good...but...NO. Do I want to be social? No. Do I want to answer 50 questions about my life? No. Do I want to act like I'm perfectly fine and not thinking about everything? No. I'm not a hugely social person at it is. I don't do well in a huge crowds and I don't know what to say to people that I don't know. I answer questions directly and leave it at that. My ex was the social one. He knew what to say to people and could sit and talk to them for hours (Ha! I guess that makes sense since he makes new "friends" so easily...go figure). Either way, my previous point: I'm dreading Thanksgiving. So after I gathered myself from being a crying mess in the kitchen, I decided to refocus. First, I finished cooking dinner. Second, I texted my support system. It consists of a solid 3 people on a regular basis. There are others but these 3...they've been there since everything happened last week and they text me from the time I get up to the time I go to sleep or if I need anything at any time, they're it. I told them my heart hurt. I told them why. I cried some more. And I made a plan for Thanksgiving Day. I'm going to run a 5K that morning that's local and then I'm coming home, showering, and focusing on ME. I'll do whatever it takes to make sure that my head is in a good spot and then dinner will be LATER that day. For us, we usually eat around 1 or 2 and then socialize until 6-ish. Not this year. I'll arrive around 4 and only be there for a couple of hours. I need to do what's good for ME so that I can heal. I consistently have to remind myself of this because I always stop and say "oh, well that person might get offended." or "I don't want to upset this person". This is about ME. It's about what I need this time. For now, it feels good to have a plan. But I also need to remember to try not to project so much. The future will get here and I will have survived whatever it intends to swing my way.
I miss the ex. SO. MUCH. There's a hole in my heart that he occupied that will never be filled in by anyone else in the same way but I imagine it can be covered up pretty thickly so that I can feel okay again eventually. I desperately welcome that time and hope that it doesn't take too long because the waves of sadness that I feel randomly are really irritating more than anything else. I want to move on and be happy with someone else at some point in time. I'd like to just be happy in general if that's possible. The someone else part will come when it's supposed to.
Anyway, I promised myself I'd make a list everyday and so here it is for today:
Things that made me happy:
1) Waking up well rested & refreshed
2) My workout at the gym & making the decision to train 3 days a week again, not just 2. So M,W,F will be weight days with a mile or 2 of running and T, Th will be cardio days
3) Seeing my friend today who does my hair & having her put mermaid colors back in it. Bright colors = happy. *Side note: I don't put colors in my hair for anyone else. It's for ME. Right after my ex & I broke up I colored my hair bc I hadn't done it for the time we were together bc I knew he didn't like it. His first words before even saying hello were "What did you do to your hair?!" He said it made him feel like he had been holding me back when I ran out & did that first thing. Memo: This isn't about YOU, wasn't about you, and you didn't cross my mind when I dyed my hair. This is and was about ME. Color makes me HAPPY and I NEEDed Happy.
Things that upset me:
1) Thinking about him SO much today
2) Holiday projection
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