7pm on the last day of Thanksgiving break...I'm alive and haven't been massively tortured these last few days. Who knew?! I certainly didn't expect it. I'm not going to go all crazy and say it's been perfect and unemotional and ex-boyfriend-thoughtless but I tell you what, it's been better than I expected and that's all I'm asking for right now.
Today was a lazy day. I sat around, ate, and watched TV. Got some laundry done but that's pretty much the extent of my productiveness. For today, I'm okay with that being since it was the last day of break and tomorrow starts back at the grind of 3 days a week of training, 5 days of cardio, & a slew of errands and appointments all week.
I think today, one of my main thoughts centered on the topic of remembrance. I was wondering how I'll be remembered from this relationship. Eventually memories fade a bit and a person becomes less thought of on a daily basis and I that thought kind of makes me sad. I don't like the idea of someone else being in my place making new memories but I also logically know that someone will eventually take his place and I won't think of him much either. And when I do, it'll just be a passover and I can smile or laugh at a memory. Right now it makes me a bit sad to think that maybe he's already done that with me and I'm just a memory. It is however interesting to think back on my past relationships before this one and realize that I've done just the same. I don't think about those people as much as I used to and they've become part of my past. They've helped me to become the person that I am and things that I thought I'd never get over or move past or forget have faded.
If you ask me honestly, I think that because of how I acted and reacted to things, my ex won't remember me well. I'm probably on his "crazy" list with his ex wife, the girl that he dated when he met me, and a couple others from his past that I remember hearing about. Does that bother me? Eh. To some extent. But only because I know it's not true. "Crazy" is a term that is widely over used to describe someone who's behavior you don't necessarily understand fully or agree with. My actions were used to try to get my ex to see that I was hurting and to try to understand what he was thinking. I also am wary of anyone that calls all their exes "crazy" because there's something that doesn't add up with that. There's a common denominator that isn't being brought to the forefront of those stories. My thought is that we all aren't crazy...something in his actions made us act a certain way that wasn't acceptable to him.
I digress. What's done is done. My day was relaxing, unproductive, and enjoyable. Yes, I thought about my ex. But again, there wasn't a huge wave of emotional hurt that followed those thoughts. They were more based on curiosity and centered around what he has going on and what he's thinking.
Today I miss him for sheer loneliness on my part. Not miss him because of everything else (it was reversed last time). I'd like to be able to find someone and have everything fall into place without any doubt that I'll have to start over again. Eventually. Until then, I'll keep having productive weeks, fun weekends, and unproductive holiday breaks filled with apple pie and Buffy the Vampire Slayer marathons. Cheers.
Things that made me happy today:
1) Sleeping in
2) Sitting around being lazy today
3) Food (specifically my mom's apple pie)
I'm not even going to list anything irritating today because I don't have anything of substance to list.
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