*SIGH*
Where do I even start today? Today was a lazy day for me. My daughter stayed home from school due to having a bit of a cough so we decided just to have a non-productive movie day. Mental health day if you like. She played when she woke up and watched a movie downstairs while I caught up on one of my favorite shows, Revenge. I look forward to this show every week and it never fails to surprise me with it's twists and turns. This morning, as I feeling decent and caught up in the world of Emily Thorne/Amanda Clarke, I got abruptly smacked back to my own reality as a new character was introduced. Jack's new love interest has the same has the same f***ing name (minus the "e") as my ex boyfriend's new "friend". Right down to the same last name!! Granted, the ex's new interest had that as a married name but SERIOUSLY?! Must EVERYTHING in my world somehow relate to this mess that I'm dealing with? Can't I have an hour of bliss where HE doesn't exist anymore?! Apparently not. So after some ranting and raving (I didn't cry, I just was angry and annoyed) I finished my show and got on with my day which consisted of a couple movies with the munchkin, some board games, and general lazying around. Overall, not too shabby.
I would point out that I would like to have my full appetite back in tact some point soon. I love food. I seriously do. I workout so I can eat. But lately, I have no appetite and I'm below my goal weight which means that gains really aren't being made in my training sessions and THAT is a pain in the butt. Alas, tomorrow is my first therapy session with someone who hopefully can help me move past all this mess and I'm looking forward to that because all I want is my life back and the ability to smile more than maybe once a day.
So the rest of the day seemed to go without a hitch. I came across a lovely meme this evening that had me doing some deep breathing. It said "It took the worst thing I've ever done to become the best thing I ever did". Mmmm.....HONESTLY? I may go straight to a fiery inferno for saying this but, I'm glad you hurt. I am HAPPY that you hurt. Because you have NO RIGHT to have led someone on for almost 2 years talking about family and seeing me and my daughter in your future and then to say that you're not in love with me. NO. RIGHT. I truly hope that one day I can look at the pictures and memories that I have stored away and be happy while I look at them. Right now, I have this boiling anger that I don't ever think I've felt toward anyone. It's a horrible thing to carry around and the worst part is, he knows how I feel. He's been crushed and shattered by his ex wife and guess who picked up those pieces? Me. I'm so glad I could be there for every break down, offer hundreds of words of advice, pick him up when he couldn't get off the couch and move, only to be stomped on myself.
I am NOT an angry person. Let me just clarify that. I don't get angry. I get upset, frustrated, etc. and as a result I cry because I hate not being able to verbalize what I'm feeling. But it's such a rare thing for me to get ANGRY. These past couple months have produced more anger than I think I've felt in a lifetime. I'm not being dramatic, I'm not exaggerating. In a 2 year relationship the ONLY time I've been this angry is just before we started dating. I found out that he had lied to me about seeing someone. He said they weren't seeing each other, they hadn't slept together, she was just a friend. False. They'd been dating for about 5 months, etc. etc. and I found this out from HER. I screamed and I yelled and I kicked a slight hole in my wall. But I stuck it out. I didn't walk away. I listened to his side and I made the decision to stay. Why? Right now I have no idea because at this moment, I don't have much to show for it except for a lot more anger, a lot of tears, some cuts on my wrist, and a very messed up brain. I'll be sure and jot it down the day that I don't feel the anger anymore.
You know what's the clincher here? There's a part of me that wishes he would be in touch somehow. Despite warnings from my family to stay away, I want to know if he feels anything at all or if he's just living his life on the thought that he let me go so he would stop hurting me so it's the best thing that he's done. I can't do anything but roll my eyes right now. If my shoulders were in tact, you better believe I'd be tearing up a punching bag as my therapy and not writing.
Anyway, that's my vent for the day. Still, overall, I've enjoyed snuggling with my munchkin all day and having her home. A little package arrived today from my dear friends in Australia. They're pop open cards, each with a different message. Today's message: "Everything is always impossible before it works". (R. Hunt Greene). What perfect timing. I needed to hear that today. So thank you to my amazing friends for ALWAYS caring about me, not when it's just convenient for them. I love you guys.
Things that made me happy today:
1) Staying around the house ALL day and having my baby girl here with me!
2) My friends that texted me ALL day despite work and school and made me smile a lot
3) My puppies that are curled up in fluffy little balls snoring next to me right now
4) My friend's package arrival
Things that irritated/made me upset today:
1) The new character in Revenge (THIS is why I'm not a fan of brunettes)
2) The irritating little meme message (so glad that me being hurt is what it took for you to move on)
Tomorrow is a new day! I'm looking forward to conquering it without any tears as I did today.
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